THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[missy25]

Day #1:

 

Yesterday we have decided to have a one-month break. I want to treat it as a break up, because I have heard that most "breaks" result in break ups. I had finals today, but I couldn't concentrate nor study. I have been crying on and off. When distracted by my friends or when I have someone to talk to the pain goes away. I think about him and our memories together. He wasn't my first love but my second, and it was genuine. I knew that he loved me, but maybe grew tired of us. I want to get in touch with him, but I know that the more I initiate contact, the further he runs away. I wonder if he feels the same way I am feeling? My brain is thinking that I shouldn't expect anything. I should expect the worse case scenario and think that either he will tell me that he doesn't want to be with me anymore, or not even initiate contact with me after a month. My heart is telling me to expect the good things though. That maybe in a month, he will realize what he is missing, and come back. I know right now, the more explanations I give him, the more he will say I am not respecting his request. I should have listened to him when he was verbalizing his concerns about our relationship. I don't know why I have been so caught up with me and not his needs. Now, I feel that everything is too late and he has made up his mind about us. I feel so helpless and lonely even if my friends have been trying to cheer me up. I want to improve myself, but I just want to cry it all out.

[Cope]

Day #7

 

7 days you are not even counting. I am sure you miss me, but not the way i would want you to. I am starting to feel good about not wanting you back. It is not time. IF there ever will be that kind of time, for sure it is not now.

 

I am pretty sure i will never see you again. I hope i do though. Who knows in which country our roads will pass again? Will i feel the same? Will my eyes be drawn to yours like they used to be? Who knows?

 

7 days and you're not counting.

[Swedese9]

Day 1

 

I actually started my NC over 30 days ago, but since I did'nt find this forum until now I wanted to share my story with everyone and keep the challenge going for another 30 days!

 

My ex girlfriend broke it off with me almost 3 months ago, we had been together for almost 3 months and went on a trip together to the Phillippines and really had a great time, I mean a perfect lovers vacation. She got jealous of me when we got home, I was talking to another girl on facebook who is an old friend which I did not see or do anything with. We just talked and maybe she was trying to screw things up(she send some pictures and sexy messages) but my intentions were purely friendly. Anyhow, my girlfriend saw that and said that she can't trust me because of that. The girl I talked to was maybe in to me but I never wanted to hurt my girlfriend. But she broke it off and I really felt miserable.

 

I did try to get back together with her, and we saw eachother for over a month but to her we were just friends and after a while I said that I dont wanna be friends and she understood and said that she did not want me to think that she wanted more, because she did not have the same feelings anymore. She thought that I really wanted to get back together, me on the other hand, knew that she felt like that and just said: "Okay, fine. I understand, but I never want to be just your friend, I cant do that." So we parted as friends and it's at that time the NC started for me.

 

This is almost a month ago and I havent talked to her since, not a word from both sides.

 

I just wanted people to know that, despite all your bad feelings, things will get better! You just have to think that you are the most important person in your life and nobody should have that kind off effect on you, wether it's someone who you love completely or that boss you hate. NO ONE SHOULD MAKE YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT YOURSELF! REMEMBER THAT!

 

I know it sucks and it's hard, and I miss my ex like crazy, but you can't think that they are magically going to come back, because guess what? No one likes a miserable person who just cries and being to emotional. I did that mistake and really thought that we could get back together during the time before we went NC. Please, everyone.. I know it's hard but don't bend on the NC, I did and screwed it up even more I think.. No call or even a text in over a month now, and this is the girl who said she never wanted to be with someone else and wanted me to move in at her place.

 

I hope she does contact me because I love her, but Im not thinking at all of calling her, I want her to contact me first, because she knows how much I do love her.

 

But I just wanted to say to everyone here, I know all the feelings you are going through, and it's OK. Just don't contact your loved one, let them come to you.

 

I now mine is not going to so I want to help anyone here that needs some guidance! And keep this NC train rolling on haha

 

Stay strong and remember, the most important thing is YOU!

[sadbutrue]

Day 4...still weirdly great! All my friends are fab and...I don't know if anyone else feels this: apart from the initial thing when you meet someone, life is much more fun when you're not attached. It's funny, I genuinely feel this, and get dumped by people who claim to want freedom and fun, only to bitterly regret it. I care more about what's happening with SuperDave71 than my ex. Where are you SuperDave? I hope you're still helping people!

 

I love your positivity. I felt that way in the first days, I felt relieved because I was always stressed out. Im still good but afraid that I will feel bad in the future.

[Swedese9]

Day 35

 

 

Had a great day yesterday, but today started with tears.

 

I miss her so much but the thing that hurts me the most is that she does'nt seem to care about me at all.

 

Im pretty fine otherwise, everything else in my life is going great and Im happy about myself and confident in me.

 

But I don't want to be with anyone else, and I don't really like when people are saying that I have to keep moving on and find someone new.

[Enn]

Day 11...I think! He contacted me the other day to wish me happy birthday. Really - why do they bother? It's for them, not us. His message means nothing to me, I don't want birthday greetings from someone who has made the decision not to have me in his life, regardless of his message being 'from the bottom of his heart'. Also 'I do care for you.' When they're being rubbish, they always say that sort of thing: 'I DO care for you' or 'I DO love you' - yeah, if it was remotely meaningful there would be no need for the 'do.' Despite all actions being to the contrary, they come out with this nonsense. Oh and the killer: 'No need to reply.' Oh thank you, why not just cancel me out as a human being?! God forbid I should make my own decision about replying or not! (For the record: he KNOWS I won't reply). Being through exactly the same thing before, three years ago... Anyway - absolutely not responding to that crap. Onwards and upwards!

[missy25]

Day #3

 

I was fine yesterday... I didn't think of him that much, and I only cried once. I've thought about the things that he said: I don't think it's going to work out, I'm not happy, I feel trapped, I don't want you to get hurt, and I feel suffocated. I think that it's his way of saying goodbye to me, because we were suppose to meet up prior to the initiation of the one-month break, but he kept on putting it off. I think that he is guilty that he is going to say goodbye to me, and he can't face me! Yesterday, I hated him for being a coward. He thought it will hurt less if he did not see me or that a one-month break to ease my pain is a better option than leaving me dead cold. But it's such a passive-egressive and immature way of handling things! I resented him yesterday, and thought that I do not want somebody like him anyway.

 

This site has been helping me with my recovery, and my friends are there to support me. I know that I need to let go and move forward. But how do I? I miss him terribly... I miss him today more than anything. I feel like I'm punched in the stomach whenever the thought of you moving on and being with someone else cross my mind. I don't think that he misses me, because if he did, he would have gotten in contact with me a few days ago. I can't wait until the day that I recover from this... It's way too raw and painful.

[TeaLeaf1234]

Day 10

I had a really bad night the other day, I couldn't stop crying over you. I was filled with rage and my heart was broken because what I thought we had was real. You said at the beginning that you'd never stop wanting me...well you were wrong and it came sooner than I thought. Today, I thought of you and it felt like something was tugging at my heart but I can't keep wasting my time on you. You're doing just fine and I'm still crying. This isn't fair. I still hope you come back but the longer we're apart, the stronger I'll get. One day I'll wake up and I won't think about you. For now, I will get through another day without you with my head held high

[Enn]

Day #3

 

I was fine yesterday... I didn't think of him that much, and I only cried once. I've thought about the things that he said: I don't think it's going to work out, I'm not happy, I feel trapped, I don't want you to get hurt, and I feel suffocated. I think that it's his way of saying goodbye to me, because we were suppose to meet up prior to the initiation of the one-month break, but he kept on putting it off. I think that he is guilty that he is going to say goodbye to me, and he can't face me! Yesterday, I hated him for being a coward. He thought it will hurt less if he did not see me or that a one-month break to ease my pain is a better option than leaving me dead cold. But it's such a passive-egressive and immature way of handling things! I resented him yesterday, and thought that I do not want somebody like him anyway.

 

You know, this sounds so familiar. I really think that their feelings and behaviour confuses THEM as much as it confuses us. I think because it wouldn't have occurred to us to split up, then we expect them to be clear about how they feel. All I will say is that being ENTIRELY absent from their lives has a habit of making their confusion disappear extremely quickly (and it certainly means you don't have to be around selfish behaviour). Stick to your guns and ignore him - the minute you do that the power dynamic shifts in your favour and you will get stronger every day. I promise!

[missy25]

Day #4

 

Dreamt last night that we got back together. I'll take it as a grain of salt though, as I never know what the future holds. Thinking about him still gives me a twinge of pain in my heart, and it gives me headache. I accidentally saw his instagram yesterday. The pics that he had put in were from places we went to, but I'm not included in there anymore. The break is really leading toward a break up it seems like. I'm really trying to move on and keep myself busy. I had my weak moments when I want to give him a call. Seems like everyday that we don't talk, he's moving farther and farther away from me, and I want him to know that I'm here. But then I revert back to thinking that talking to him will not be worth it, because he has decided on his mind that we are done and I can't change his mind. I feel like I'm going back and forth and it is tiring. I'm trying not to wait behind the wall and start living my life, but there are moments of weakness, and I go back to waiting.

[missy25]

You know, this sounds so familiar. I really think that their feelings and behaviour confuses THEM as much as it confuses us. I think because it wouldn't have occurred to us to split up, then we expect them to be clear about how they feel. All I will say is that being ENTIRELY absent from their lives has a habit of making their confusion disappear extremely quickly (and it certainly means you don't have to be around selfish behaviour). Stick to your guns and ignore him - the minute you do that the power dynamic shifts in your favour and you will get stronger every day. I promise!

 

Thanks Enn. It's so immature to be handling things via a phone call though. I still can't get my head around that. I know that's how he's trying to handle his confusion right now, but I still think after all we've been through, I deserve to hear it from him face to face.

[Enn]

Thanks Enn. It's so immature to be handling things via a phone call though. I still can't get my head around that. I know that's how he's trying to handle his confusion right now, but I still think after all we've been through, I deserve to hear it from him face to face.

 

You are absolutely correct but really...I know you're worried he's getting further away the more you aren't in touch but, even though it feels counter-intuitive, the opposite is the case. At the moment he KNOWS you are waiting for him and knows that you will get together at the end of the month of NC (if he decides). And if he DOES decide to meet again...you're asking to be put through the emotional grinder again. How dare he?! It's all on his terms. IMAGINE how he will react he loses control...if you're suddenly not there? he won't know what's hit him! Believe me - it's the only way. Give him the shock of his life. I'm behind you! I've been through this sort of thing so many times (I'm old...) and the ONLY regret I have in these situations is that I didn't get out (i.e. go No Contact) sooner. The sooner you disappear off the face of the planet, the sooner they come back but MORE IMPORTANTLY the sooner you heal. Unfortunately when I've done NC they've always come back and they've always been as useless as ever! Think about you - you're worth more than this! Have the guts to disappear...I dare you. NC is the ONLY way - whether you want them back or not - it's ALL you can do. Keep going!

[Bigdeal123]

You are absolutely correct but really...I know you're worried he's getting further away the more you aren't in touch but, even though it feels counter-intuitive, the opposite is the case. At the moment he KNOWS you are waiting for him and knows that you will get together at the end of the month of NC (if he decides). And if he DOES decide to meet again...you're asking to be put through the emotional grinder again. How dare he?! It's all on his terms. IMAGINE how he will react he loses control...if you're suddenly not there? he won't know what's hit him! Believe me - it's the only way. Give him the shock of his life. I'm behind you! I've been through this sort of thing so many times (I'm old...) and the ONLY regret I have in these situations is that I didn't get out (i.e. go No Contact) sooner. The sooner you disappear off the face of the planet, the sooner they come back but MORE IMPORTANTLY the sooner you heal. Unfortunately when I've done NC they've always come back and they've always been as useless as ever! Think about you - you're worth more than this! Have the guts to disappear...I dare you. NC is the ONLY way - whether you want them back or not - it's ALL you can do. Keep going!

 

I had to get in and agree with Enn... It may feel like that but if they already know how on the hook and sinker you are for them, just the idea gives them the power to control the situation... I don't remember where I read this but it clearly reads: "He who cares the least, controls the relationship." Unfortunately for me, I revealed my card. I told him about this!!! The thing about my relationship is that we never fought! That is why it is so heart breaking and confusing. I can't put my finger where there was a problem at least from my point of view. Well, too bad.

But then as far as your relationship, if he is going to get farther bcs of no contact, do you really think he is worth keeping just because he is around??? I didn't think so. I don't have many exes in my life as I was married for a such long time and at the very young age. So my relationships after my marriage ended, weren't many. But I think one way or other, most exes come back and sometimes when they do, you don't even want them anymore! This is how I felt a couple of months ago when my ex from 10 years ago and an on again, off again relationship came back and declared his undying love for me(Mind you, not so obviously but he kept saying how I ruined him bcs he doesn't find anyone else as attractive as I and how he wishes he could go back in time and make up for all the mistakes he did in our relationship and how much he will always love me!!) ... I sent him just one sentence. I was so happy and content with my life that I wouldn't dwell in the past! My recent ex, however, was so different. For a long long time, I felt he was a gift from heaven for all I have gone through with my other exes!!! Little did I know, he was wearing a mask of this calmness, kindness and logic. I remember one rainy Sunday afternoon at his place, he was taking a nap and I finished the laundry and drank my tea and was reading my book and then I came to the bedroom trying to wake him up and I whispered: "wake up, wake up, I am bored!" like I am missing you way and not literally bored, if you know what I mean! For heaven's sake as if I have said something so so terrible! He woke up but then he is like "It is not my job to entertain you!" ... My jaws dropped! Here is me trying to be playful and let him know how much I want to spend time with him and I miss him when he is not around (i.e: sleeping) and here he is getting offended bcs he is so rigid towards my affection for him!! Mind boggling attitude as he was the one who always said he is the one who keeps initiating affection and being proactive!!! Eh... secretly I want to see who he will end up with since I don't think he will ever find anyone as compromising and kind to him as myself. I was not a doormat but I was very compromising toward meeting his needs and keeping our relationship drama free and healthy! I guess he thought he can get it from anyone!

[Cope]

Day #10

 

I have sudden urges to check his Facebook, fortunately they last only for seconds. I want to know how he is doing, i want to know how his life is, but i know that what i really want to hear is that he misses me and wants us back,he wants to work out the distance.

 

What is also helping me on maintaining the NC is the feeling that i am worthy and a feeling of selfishness. I will try to explain at the risk of being judged. I am a confident person in general, i really value myself and i believe that i am a real "catch". It might sound that i think too much of myself, but i am talking about that confidence that all of us should have. The one that was struck down by his loss of interest and the one i am currently healing. So being self confident i tell myself every day of NC that passes or every time i have one of those urges, that he is on the other side sometimes wondering when i will contact him. I am not saying that he is waiting, cause he most likely isn't, but i am sure that in the back of his brain he is wondering a bit of when i will contact him, or how am i doing and I KNOW that as time goes by and the NC continues, that thought is getting closer to the "front" of his brain.

 

I am not saying i am using NC to get him back. I've read about this and i don't like the idea. It may help to get someone back, but NC for me is to heal yourself and maybe improve yourself too, if you use it for manipulation, you are missing the point. You may manage to get them to contact you again, but when they do they will only see the same person they dumped. Also, you should not do NC to become a better person for them, or what you think they want, i see a lot of people doing this. NO. It's simple, a relationship ended, it hurts, you have stuff to learn about the you and the relationship and a lot of grieving to do. You have to pick up yourself and start building. If you do NC for them, you are in for another major disappointment.

 

This post started out to be sad, i am glad it turned into something empowering

[mrsin627]

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

 

Day 50... I had an awful dream the other night about her.

 

Awful feeling of loneliness is back.

[Bigdeal123]

Thanks Enn. It's so immature to be handling things via a phone call though. I still can't get my head around that. I know that's how he's trying to handle his confusion right now, but I still think after all we've been through, I deserve to hear it from him face to face.

 

 

Missy... Does it make you feel less disrespected if you know I was dumped over a text message after 3 years being together?? Does it make you feel less disrespected if you know I was absolutely in total dark not knowing he was going to break up with me? I had his Christmas presents already delivered and wrapped. He suggested he would be spending the Christmas eve at my house after we go to dinner as a family with my kids so that in the morning he will be there when the kids(24 and 19 then) open their presents?? Does it make you feel less respected to know he texted me: "Happy Christmas eve day honey!"... Does this give anyone a clue what he was going to text next??? Really???? they say you learn more about the other person at the end of the relationship then the beginning. I truly think so. What people do to us speaks more about them than about us!! How people treat us is a big sign of how highly they think of themselves. And if it is poorly demonstrated, there you go. You have your answer. They lack dignity and or integrity. Like Enn has mentioned several times. No contact is what will put them in their place. You are better than them to play their low childish games. We all are. My ex after two months of no contacts texted me asking for a text from the day he dumped and blocked me bcs of that text!!!! When I asked why he needs that text 4 months later, he replied he is not sure why he asked!... really? You go out of your way to text and ask for something you don't know why you asked??? He emailed me last 2 weeks ago and texted me a week ago, I am yet to reply and I will not ever. I honestly am living my life without worrying about the moment the other shoe will drop!!! I am a grown woman. I need a man who can be and wants to be my rock all on his own. He thinks he is high maintenance? Good for him, let him find the one who will give it to him. Hang in there. Shall this pass too.

[Cope]

Day #11

 

Woke up and i cried again. Still can't stop thinking about the good times. I don't want to think negatively about him, cause he has given me no reason. I know i can make up reasons, but that's not fair and it is too easy for me, I really want to grow from this experience so i am taking the hard way out. I am focused on my job. Thought that would be nice to get out of this period having more money to spend on traveling I would love to be able to get out more, but my circle of friends has shortened in this city. Can't wait to make the move to the other city where all my friends are.

 

 

[...]they say you learn more about the other person at the end of the relationship then the beginning[...]

 

TOTALLY agree, from my previous relationships also. This one is making it even harder by being all right and everything. Each day that passes and he doesn't break the NC i asked for, i respect him even more. Or course, it's probably not hard for him come to think of it. Still, we broke up gracefully and it's hard!Sometimes i wish he contacts me for some stupid reason so i can lose respect for him and help me move on. I've been through a bad break up and it was easier moving on cause i figured out how much of an A he was. This one? He has so many traits i love. Sometimes i wish i had the time to get to know him better so i can find something bad about him.

[Cope]

I am having stronger urges today of contacting him just to tell him i miss him and i know that would be THE WORSE thing i can do. I am happy i can still control it. I tell myself that the longer you wait, the better. I know it will get easier and that this is just a bad day. I think im at the point where it will get a bit worse before it gets a whole lot better

[missy25]

Day 2

 

So broke the NC after four days when I was out drinking with my friend. The thought of being in limbo was driving me ballistic. I called him up in the afternoon and no reply... He texted me in a few hours asking how I was doing. By that time, my friend and I were in a bar already and starting to drink. I couldn't handle all the confusion so I called him up. I told him that I hate being in a limbo because I'm not sure whether I should move on or not. He still said "I don't know", I asked him if he minded if I could date guys during this break, and he said "do what you have to do". I asked him again if he is sure and he said that he does mind. I told him that if he wants me to wait for him, it is unfair for me because at any time he can pull the plug and say it is over. I gave him a choice. I told him that I'm willing to work on this relationship, but if he doesn't want to and he thinks that our differences are unworkable, then let's just break up. He did say again that he wants his space, but he wants to work it out. we gave each other 2 weeks of space, while he works on his issues, and I work on mine.

 

It's frustrating because he thinks that relationships should be smooth and easy. I told him that once the honeymoon phase is over, that's when the real work begins, since no two people are the same. Odd too because most of our issues can be talked about and compromised, so I don't know why he's suddenly so confused...

[Enn]

I told him that if he wants me to wait for him, it is unfair for me because at any time he can pull the plug and say it is over.

 

Not exactly...because YOU can do that too! I know you are upset but this is madness. Stop it now!

 

PLEASE! Listen to us! Disappear! He isn't taking you seriously! Give him the shock of his life! (It's the ONLY chance you've got). As ever: Whether you want him back or not: No Contact (until he begs you to forgive him for this frankly crap behaviour) is your only option.

[missy25]

Hi Enn. Thanks for giving me a wake-up call... I really love him and I do want him back... But you are right. He finds me so predictable already. I guess in two weeks, I won't give him a call. At least I know that he initiated the call himself, and not because I forced him to do it. Then more NC until I get the answer I am looking for. For the meantime, I will be busy and have fun without him!

[Enn]

Do it! Go on - surprise yourself and him! How DARE he take you for granted. The ONLY way you will wake him up is if you're suddenly not there. It's TOO EASY for him at the moment. And God - say you did get together after this month; the balance of power is all wrong, it's like he's doing you a favour by even being around - misery will ensue. NO to that! We won't let you!!!

 

If you even think about contacting him...tell us first! Sit on your hands...run round the block...built a full-scale model of Big Ben out of matchsticks but DO NOT contact him!

[Cope]

built a full-scale model of Big Ben out of matchsticks but DO NOT contact him!

 

hahahahahah!! Loved it!

 

Enn's right missy25! When the first slightest thought of contacting him pops in mind, log in and post to us!

If you do try the Big Ben challenge, please pictures!!

 

Keep us posted!

[VeevaContact]

Hello to all,

I am writing this here because I found myself in the situation of being thrown out after a 4 year relationship and watching her date another guy while I was moving out. At this same time I was not only going to a new place and being completely heartbroken, I was starting a new job as well. So the day after I moved into my new place I started my new job and started moving on. 10 days later I even had started a new relationship with a modest, nice and caring girl. Then my ex came in pushing hard to know how I am doing, apologizing. I managed to keep my stronghold for 2 weeks. Then she called me and said she needs to be supported going to the doctor since she had been diagnosed with a probable tumor. I told her that I won't be there for her, told her that I am dating someone else and that her new boyfriend should encourage her. She said they were no longer together. Since I consider my ex the love of my life it was really hard for me to sit there and know I wasn't there for her. I dumped the new girl and met with my ex. We talked, she hugged and kissed me. Then we hung out 3/4 times, she would not hide her desire for me, kissing and cuddling like in the begging 4 years back. She was constantly asking why I love her so much and claiming no one would ever love her in such a way. I gave her her space, never pushed. Didn't talk to her for a week in between seeing each other.

Then she just disappeared. I decided to take control of things and started asking her to decide what she wants. She would not want to see me again. I accidentally saw her wait at a bus stop and took her to her destination with my car. She again complemented me a couple of times on how good I look and was visibly shy as if she first met me, but nothing more.

She disappeared again. Not wanting to talk and hiding from me. So I decided to ask her to make up her mind. So she said that there has been a reason for breaking up and that she only came back because she missed me and because she knows no one would love her like I do (yes she actually says that a lot and in the past I have been blamed by friends and family for being over-caring and too nice to her.), but she said she does not want to get back together.

Everyone says to not be stupid and let go, like I should have done the first time. Though there's a good friend of mine who's a psychologist and knows my situation well, and she says that my ex wants to see me fight for her. So I don't know what to do now. Haven't talked to her for 3 days, I don't even know what to say. So I am NC.

[Cope]

@veevacontact i am sorry to hear you are going through this. I would advise you to make a new thread if you want people to try and help you figure out what to do. If you are just venting, this is the perfect place!

 

She may want to see you fight for her, the question is, are you willing to? Why would you want her back into your life? Stay no contact till you can answer these questions and till you can say with all your heart and mostly a clear mind that you honestly want her back or you are ready to move on.