THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[beanpot]

Day 43: It's like a spiral. A downward spiral. If I think about it, I just keep thinking about it, and thinking, and thinking. So I try and snap out of it. But the only thing that TRULY helps me to stop thinking about it is to think about reconciling.

[blabla]

Day 5: With each passing day I´m feeling better and less emotional. But the mornings are somehow the worst. I´m even cheerful, but he is in my thoughts constantly. I´m so scared I made a mistake, and I can´t wait for one month to go (starting from today) so I would have a reason to contact him. But I also hope that during that time I would somehow realise that we shouldn´t reconcile, because I know that he probably wouldn´t want to (because he is a sane person), or if by some miracle he would that nothing would change, and I will soon want to break up again.

[alldaisies]

I do not know how many days, how many weeks, months, nights...but tonight is another night that I cannot sleep.

 

Thanks that I have this place to come and write my crazy thoughts. When I miss him and when I do not want to think more about him.

 

I have to much to do, to read, to learn, I need too much friends, family a work, I need to keep myself busy, because every time I think in him I irremediably move backward. He was my everything and my perdition.

 

But well, life is not about others, or how much we love others, or how much others hurt us...for many life is just about ourselves and how much we do for ourselves. Then I am trying to find the balance, I continue fighting to forget the LOVE. After all, at least for me, LOVE is bigger than anything, and no matter what others try to say me or convince me. I am glad that I am able to LOVE others the way I do, and my love for him was not an exception.

 

Wherever you are, who ever you are...I LOVE you and I will forever LOVE you, or I will love you until you show me your dark side, or you give me a reason for stop loving you.

 

I continue counting the NC days, I am happy that I have not contacted him again. I will keep strong and one day I will finally say, that him is just part of the past. But until that day, I will have to keep counting the NC days.

[kate111]

Day 7. Feel like death. In denial.

[beanpot]

Stay strong Alldaisies.

[alldaisies]

Thanks beanpot..I will try, trust me, I am trying everything. At least now, and for first time, I am less affected, what is a good and a bad thing. It is not that I do not care more, it is that I am feeling for first time disconnected from him. I cut my last form of communication with him (Skype). I still have his email, but I do not plan to use it. And I know he will not write me a single word either, and if he does it, it is because he is bored or he want just to use me again or he needs me for any stupid reason. I moved earth and sky for him. I cried until there was not more tears. Now, it is my time to keep going and to recover completely.

 

I wish you are doing better with your NC challenge thing and your broken heart too.

 

No idea if it was already your birthday or no, but if it was, I hope you had a wonderful day.

[beanpot]

Thank you My birthday passed last month but I appreciate your well wishes so much. So much truly. I was hoping beyond hope that I would hear from my ex... but did not. It was crushing. Another obstacle over and done with I suppose.

 

I find that there are so few songs I can listen to these days without becoming emotional and thinking about my ex. But there are some... I don't know if they'll help you

 

 

 

 

[beanpot]

Day 45: I am planning a vacation for January 2016. The fact that I am planning a trip is acceptance that this, whatever this is, will last a while... Partial acceptance. Partial. Small steps. Baby steps. I want to tell my story, but ultimately I know that there'll be too many details and nuances that will be missed. She will always be the one that got away.

[alldaisies]

Thank you My birthday passed last month but I appreciate your well wishes so much. So much truly. I was hoping beyond hope that I would hear from my ex... but did not. It was crushing. Another obstacle over and done with I suppose.

 

I find that there are so few songs I can listen to these days without becoming emotional and thinking about my ex. But there are some... I don't know if they'll help you

 

 

 

]

 

 

Hi Beanpot...

 

I do not want to go out topic here..But I will use my NC post to reply to your message too.

 

Day # of NC.

 

It has been a while since our last contact. I am having a really bad day, a day full of insults and some sordid moments, and in days like this is inevitable for me to think in him, after all he invaded my life taking me in a very bad moment of my life. However, I am here, writing, talking to invisible cyber friends, humans like me, with more or less problems than me. Do this help me? Yes. I still think in him, but I refuse to do it as many times as I have done it in the past.

 

Beanpot, thanks for sharing those songs. I am like you, he is ever present, no because he wants to be present in my life, but because I refused for very long to let him go. I made thousands of stories and made many songs, letters, poems, movies, and stories our story. Without doubt there people out there that have gone through more challenges and problems, people that I profound admire for being strong, full of life, positive, people who is big for me, like a hero. When I see them, I feel really small, I feel like I am complaining or having a pain for nothing, and for a while after that I adopt a more positive attitude. But again, when the yelling surround me, when they attack me, I go back to the root of the pain, and I become nothing again.

 

I am glad you can talk about your birthday with a happy face, even so, the woman you love did not contact you. Too bad, she is the one losing. I tell that myself when I think in him, and it helps. I am glad that you are planning a trip for January, good luck with that. Enjoy every second of your vacation.

[kate111]

Day 9. He still occupies about 90% of my thoughts. I wish he would call and keep checking my phone and email. Yet when he called I ignored it. Maybe I should have called him back.

 

This is awful. When does it get better?

[jobelle]

Day 9. He still occupies about 90% of my thoughts. I wish he would call and keep checking my phone and email. Yet when he called I ignored it. Maybe I should have called him back.

 

This is awful. When does it get better?

 

Kate, I read your other post where you mention why you broke up with him. Hang in there. I'm proud of you for not taking his call.

[kate111]

Kate, I read your other post where you mention why you broke up with him. Hang in there. I'm proud of you for not taking his call.

 

Thanks Jobelle. I can't deny that I hope he comes to his senses and begs me back. He has always said he wants marriage and children, just not now. So perhaps there is some hope of him changing his mind once he loses me. My fear now is that I pushed him away by saying it was over, it's too late, I'm moving on etc. Perhaps I should have said I was moving on and if he changes his mind give me a call. My pride would not let me do that. But now I'm being plagued with what ifs.

[beanpot]

Day 46: Oh god oh god oh god why. I was good about not looking at social media whatsoever for over 2 months. She is so perfectly beautiful in all of her Instagram photos. I am a fool for doing this. God why.

[saluk]

I haven't been posting much in here because I've been essentially avoiding the situation. I went on a cruise, and haven't been back to church until today. I want to call it day 0. Except I never said I would have no contact with the new guy - only no contact with her. And that still stands. So maybe it's still, er, day 28? Except for a few times of peeking on facebook. I know I know. But now I have faced it for real, and come away... mostly positive?

 

At the beginning of church I saw her leaning the boyfriend. Ugh! There were few people in the room and they were facing me, it almost felt like she was saying "See, I've got someone and you don't". It put me in a bad mood, but it went away pretty quick with worship and the message. Going to church with an ex is an amazing experience to be honest. As much as it's a place where I can open myself up to be hurt again - it's also the place I feel I've had the most victories. They brought up in the message seeing others be blessed when you haven't, which fits right in with the true source of my jealousy. It's not really that I want to be with her and he gets to - it's that she has found another ME. And I have yet to find another HER. But I can see that I am the one who is witholding my own blessing. Her and her new beau aren't why I'm unhappy, not really.

 

Then, after church, I was talking with some people, and the boyfriend came over to talk to some of them - and then he started asking me questions and just generally being friendly. We had a great little conversation, and it was nice to start getting to know him a little better. Towards the end of our discussion, she came over and had this look - she clearly wasn't thrilled that he was talking to me. But we had a few more things to say, so we kept going while she stood there and then went to talk to some others for a bit until he was ready to go.

 

It was really strange. And afterward... I was laughing about it. Almost hysterically. I really don't know what is with her. Nope, she didn't say hi to me or acknowledge me at all, even when her family was there talking to me. She was trying to leave as fast as possible so she didn't have to be around me anymore. But her boyfriend is, well, cool. I like him. it's awesome that we can be friendly. I have no idea if he knows who I am. Would he be so friendly if he knows she almost married me?

 

My overall impression is that he is a lot like me. Her tastes clearly haven't changed all that much. I don't know if that makes me flattered or rankled. Probably a little of both.

 

I'll just keep on moving on!

[beanpot]

Day 47: Can't sleep. Looking at Instagram really took a toll. God what a terrible set back. Sisyphus was rolling that boulder up a little bit every day, and today it just came crashing back down. This is so discouraging, so depressing, so maddeningly frustrating. For the love of god please let this just go away.

[blabla]

Day 9: , today it´s a really bad day. I miss him terribly. And the past week was so fantastic, and the weekend was awesome! I guess this is the effect of my excessive alcohol intake on Saturday night. Jesus, I could even cry. The urge to contact him is huge, but I wont. It is too soon, and there is no real reason to do it. I would love if we could get back together, I´m so scared that he wouldn´t want to, because why would he?

[rlhuk]

Day 47:

 

It's receeded a bit again. I'm over halfway to the 85 days NC I got to before. I need AT LEAST 3/4 months I think. But, there is a night on next month that I'm going to,and I know he will be there. It's going to be hard, there's no animosity between us so I hope if I blank him (which I will try my very best to do) he won't think there's something wrong. I know it will upset him. It's going to be so hard being in the same room as him.

 

I didn't think about him excessively over the weekend though. Keep on going!

[ntAgainPetunia]

Beanpot, I understand the feeling. I know that if I hadn't blocked my ex, I'd be sneaking peeks at what she is doing on FB. As it is, I didn't block a couple of her friends, so I kind of know when the ex is going out with her best friend. Don't know if her new bf (if that's even what he is yet) is with them, but I suspect not.

 

Day 23 for me. My goal is to make it to the end of the month and see how I'm doing then.

[beanpot]

Beanpot, I understand the feeling. I know that if I hadn't blocked my ex, I'd be sneaking peeks at what she is doing on FB. As it is, I didn't block a couple of her friends, so I kind of know when the ex is going out with her best friend. Don't know if her new bf (if that's even what he is yet) is with them, but I suspect not.

 

Day 23 for me. My goal is to make it to the end of the month and see how I'm doing then.

 

Thank you friend for your kind words

[beanpot]

Day 48: Looking at her Instagram... has been a blessing and a curse. It was so incredibly painful. She posted a song by Chvrches called Leave a Trace. The lyrics are... daggers. It may have just been a song that she really liked in that moment. But over-analyzing things is what we do best as dumpees right? Assuming it is about me... has convinced me (at least at this moment) that she doesn't love me anymore, that she hates me, that she sees me as her captor, that she sees me as her manipulator... all things that the lyrics conveyed. So I embrace this... I embrace an imaginary hatred that she has of me. I have lost all hope... that which I clung to for so long. So long. And... now I can move on.

 

I tried thinking about the things that I dislike about her as a way to get over her... But that didn't work because everything is painted rose. I could pick nothing out. But now... it's different. Now I have convinced myself that she hates me, she wants nothing to do with me. And this... this has now allowed me to move on. I have finally moved onto the ACCEPTANCE phase of the grief. A small step, a tremendously painful step, in the right direction I suppose.

 

Saluk... Sisyphus had some positive gain on the boulder today. Hope you are hanging in there too.

[saluk]

Good going beanpot! Yeah, when we finally realize they really don't care about us, it gets strangely easier. When we think they made a mistake... it's not just that we want to be with them again, but we think THEY actually want to be with US again. There must be something else that is stopping them. Don't they realize how good they had it with us? But no. They really don't care. They care so little as to be perfectly OK never speaking to us again! Why waste energy trying to get with someone who really doesn't care? What we liked about being with them was that they cared. If that's gone...

 

As for me, yesterday's positive encounter with her boyfriend and her awkward reaction to the two of us hitting it off has given me boulder pushing boosters. The usual pattern is that Sunday when I see her it brings me to my lowest point, and then I spend the week pushing back up. This time I feel like I got the power back. I can't say seeing them together didn't hurt, but at the same time my desire to be with her isn't really there. My jealousy now is more rooted in that part of me that doesn't think she deserves to be happy until I am happy.

 

I can't believe it's been 4 years since we started dating. I had no idea in October that we were going to embark on a crazy adventure taking us to some of my highest highs, and my lowest lows. It gave me a renewed goal and purpose in life, something to aim for, and also taught me some pitfalls. It broke me down so completely that the new me that I've stitched together is a vastly different person. I barely recognize the guy 4 years ago who, after she drove me home from seeing a movie with her family, shyly said: "Um, do you want to come in and talk for a bit?" We sat down on my couch and I looked over at her and said, "So. I think we are dating. What do you think?" And she said, "I'm glad you finally said it because I was beginning to worry that we weren't."

[alldaisies]

Sorry to read how you are feeling now beanpot. It is better not to over analyze things sometimes. You can get things wrong. I have made many mistakes in my life for overthinking sometimes. One of them, it was to believe he truly loved me. He was dumping me, and I was still believing in his love. Now, I am far apart from him, all is over in between us and I am still thinking that there is love. Weird? right.

 

It is always good to be in the phase of acceptance, I believe is less painful the situation at that point. Never think for others, it is my advice, believe that she hates you because a song, could give you a wrong message.

 

Ah, could you please resume for me the story of Sisyphus in brief lines. I did not know about that mythology character, I was reading about out of curiosity, but I got lost in reading.

 

This is my uncountable day of NC. I am having a bad day, I will leave it there..a very bad day. Best no to describe my feelings now. I have been attacked by my enemy. His new girlfriend. They both are against me, hurting my feeling even more.

[jobelle]

Thanks Jobelle. I can't deny that I hope he comes to his senses and begs me back. He has always said he wants marriage and children, just not now. So perhaps there is some hope of him changing his mind once he loses me. My fear now is that I pushed him away by saying it was over, it's too late, I'm moving on etc. Perhaps I should have said I was moving on and if he changes his mind give me a call. My pride would not let me do that. But now I'm being plagued with what ifs.

 

I know how it is to wonder if pride is ruining my love life, I struggle with it every day. However I think it's safe to say that after 8 years he had this wake-up call coming. You did the right thing.

 

You need to ask yourself if you are willing to take him back. If so, I would advise no contact for a few weeks and very low and casual contact afterwards. The ball is 100% in his court at the moment. I would advise against taking him back unless he gives you a very clear timeline on the issues that drove you apart - marriage and children. Do not give him more of you precious time otherwise.

 

I do wonder - have you ever asked him what "just not now" means to him? Did he ever give you a rough timeline or any milestones he wants to achieve before he settles down?

 

What was his reaction to the breakup? Did he get emotional? Did he beg? Did he offer to discuss those issues? Did he just comply with it?

 

If in your heart you think he didn't mean it when he said that he wants marriage and children, the best thing is to just move on and start NC immediately.

[Lindorie]

Day 14 of NC

 

I didn't officially start my NC challenge here since it was a spur of the moment decision (we last met up ob my birthday, after meeting fow coffee three weeks in a row) when I had a breakdown and decided I've had enough of the limbo we were in - spending hours together once a week for three weeks straight, but moving nowhere. I told him we couldn't be friends because it's too soon for me to see him like that and to take care, he said to take my time and let him know when I'm ready to meet up again.

 

Since then I haven't contacted him in any way or tried to learn anything about him. He was my home so it's been hard but for once I'm focusing on myself. I've found new job, picked up writing again, made new friends and even started chatting with some guy (purely friendly from both sides, but it's nice). For some reason my ex, even though he agreed to give me time and space, decided to go to the same party as me at the end of the month - knowing well that I'll be there because it's my bffs and my tradition to go. Making the whole thing even more awkward, we've met at that exact party two years ago so it's kind of an anniversary thing... I guess I'm about to meet him the same day my month of NC ends...

 

Anyway, I've decided to post my progress here to make myself remember the decision I've made, since for some reason today has been quite hard on me

[ntAgainPetunia]

Lindorie, I wish I could say that it gets steadily easier, but it doesn't. You'll have some good days followed by some rough ones, but the general trend will be upwards. Just knowing this helps with those bad days.

 

Oh, and day 24 for me, not too bad of a day. Ex gf's son's birthday today (7). Wish I could wish him a happy birthday myself, but I'm not going there.