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ntAgainPetunia

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  1. ntAgainPetunia
    Tom, the whole holiday/birthday/whatever message thing is common and normal and a no-win situation. I'd tell you (and everyone else) to just not think about it, but we all do it anyhow. The fact that you recognize that you are commenting on it is a plus. You still can't win, but knowing you can't win seems to help get over it no matter what she says or doesn't say on xmas. I took a few minutes to look at your backstory and it seems like both of you are confused what you want. You've heard it a million times, but keep up with the NC, focus on yourself and if you do end up talking anytime in the near future, be calm, cool and no relationship talk. Best wishes through the holidays!
  2. ntAgainPetunia
    Bingo! Remember everyone, the point of NC, first and foremost, is to heal and ground yourself. Once you regain most of your strength, you'll be able to get a handle on what you want and that might be different than what you want at this point. My own case, I went NC for about 7 weeks. By that point, I was still not over my ex, but I had the strength by then to reach out and wish her a happy birthday. We slowly started talking and are at the point now where we chat online a few nights a week (and she is able to joke about me blocking her on FB). Will we reconcile? Who knows, but I was able to tell her face to face that I didn't want to date her at this point (and I don't, as we still have our own individual issues to deal with). Maybe, hopefully someday... or not. I'll be fine either way. So, NC = healing, and if, if, you can get to that point, then you can figure out what or who you want to do
  3. ntAgainPetunia
    It happens lje, don't beat yourself up for it. Just get back on that horse and ride into the NC sunset
  4. ntAgainPetunia
    Congratulations Lindorie! I hope we can all follow in your footsteps, whether that be relationship-wise or personal growth-wise, preferably both.
  5. ntAgainPetunia
    Right, I had to block my ex for a while til I was far enough along to handle it. Despite me wondering what was going on in her life, it did me a world of good. I second the recommendation, block them!
  6. ntAgainPetunia
    Hope your meetup goes well Lindorie! I guess the main tips I (and everyone else) would give is to stay upbeat and fun. Don't bring up the relationship directly, but it's probably fine to bring up specific good memories. You want to leave a positive impression. Treat it like a first date (because in some ways it is). And keep it relatively short. Again, best of luck!
  7. ntAgainPetunia
    rlhuk, congratulations, that's wonderful news! If you get a chance, post some of your experiences, I think people would appreciate hearing positive news (it gets so negative here at times). I don't think I'll be posting here very much either, but I still read the thread. My ex and I have been in LC for a couple of weeks. No idea what, if anything, will happen between us, but it's a step in the right direction. For everyone else, stay the course with NC. If and/or when you feel you've recovered enough don't be afraid to take baby steps toward your ex. But heal yourself first.
  8. ntAgainPetunia
    Don't beat yourself up over it. You just showed you can have a polite, civil conversation with him. That's not a bad thing.
  9. ntAgainPetunia
    Sean, the waking up issue is one of the classic signs of depression. That's not necessarily a bad thing now, it's one of the stages of grief. Just realize that it will go away eventually and don't beat yourself up about it now. The whole process is difficult, but one day you'll wake up and realize you slowly left that stage. Don't be alarmed if it comes back, it will be shorter if it does.
  10. ntAgainPetunia
    Killah, I'm glad you're feeling a little better! I asked my ex for space after we broke up and thankfully she respected that. That, and NC, helped me grieve properly and heal that much faster. Look at him avoiding you as a blessing for your own mental health! I still had plenty of down days, but they became less down and more infrequent as time went on. Just be prepared for that. My own situation: sent S a link yesterday to a poster that would be awesome for her classroom (she's a HS English teacher) but totally inappropriate, but that I knew she'd love. Had a couple of quick back and forths and then I went on with my day. I have to admit I was feeling pretty sad when I went to bed last night. Today was ok, haven't messaged her, will wait for her to initiate even if it takes days. And if she doesn't... I'll cross that bridge if I come to it. In the meantime, I have a busy week with family and friends, so I don't have a lot of time to miss or think about her.
  11. ntAgainPetunia
    blabla, I wished my ex a happy birthday and she didn't respond until later that evening. In her case, I think she was just processing things. That's not to say that's what your ex is doing, but one can't tell what is going on in someone else's mind. It's probably for the best that you don't expect a response, but don't try to read any messages into it. Then again, he might surprise you. Let go of expectations and let whatever is going to happen happen. Hang in there!
  12. ntAgainPetunia
    OK, she is going to drop off the tomatillos at my house sometime after six (her idea). Guess I'd better clean a bit
  13. ntAgainPetunia
    Hopeparis, that's a tough one. If you blatantly ignore him, especially around your group, that can come across as rude and immature. But you certainly don't want to give him attention either. If you can, nonchalance around him would be best. And of course NC when you aren't around each other. Tind, never again is a long time. I try not to use the words never and always, as few things really are never or always. I think it will be easier for you to maintain NC if you think of it as small steps: NC today, for the rest of the week, NC for the rest of the month, etc. Saluk, I hope today wasn't too hard for you. As far as my situation, she is definitely not acting like "leave me alone." She went through and liked a bunch of my recent FB statuses last night, started a light conversation about a bathroom renovation picture I posted and just two minutes ago asked if I wanted a bowl of tomatillos from her garden. I should probably respond at some point
  14. ntAgainPetunia
    Interesting evening after I posted... After S sent her friendship message we joked around a little and I mentioned something about FB. S Well, I don't see what you post on facebook, so maybe you've changed your ways.[/i]" Me: "well, if you want to look..." (and I sent her a friend request) S: "Are you sure? Why the change of heart?" Me: "because I have no animosity toward you and my life is going in a positive direction" An hour later... S: "Here's the thing: I don't know if I'm strong enough to have the conversations. This year has been incredibly hard, and I have no idea where I am. I'm trying to find myself and my footing. I'm starting with a therapist. I started meds. I'm trying to figure out how to be who I need to be and how I need to be and how to be enough for me. There's some truth for ya. So, I am afraid. To have any sort of conversation." Me: "The most important thing is that you work on you. There is no rush to have deep emotionally draining talks, though that might have to happen at some point. FWIW, the biggest issue in my life has been fear, and I'm also working with a therapist on that. I think I get where you are coming from. I'm confident you will find your footing!" A little while after that S: "I think I have to figure out how to be alone. I've always been so desperate to be loved. I just have to figure out how to do that on my own. How to be enough for me. And how, to be good with being alone. and sometimes I'm OK. And sometimes I can't breathe. Thanks for listening." And then as I was getting ready for bed we had a few more light-hearted joking messages to each other. So, my take is that this is all positive. If (and yes, I know it's only an if), we were to ever get together again, we'd both have put work into ourselves. If we don't, I'm still happy she's trying to take care of herself and I know I'll be fine. We'll see what happens. I'll stay in LC and let her guide our interactions. Does this mean I have to leave the NC Challenge?
  15. ntAgainPetunia
    killah, I won't lie, there are going to be some very rough days ahead. In my case, just knowing that made it easier to get through them when they happened. Also, don't hold back your emotions, they're there to help you process things. You'll move on more quickly if you embrace that. More on my own situation here in a bit. Interesting days have already started
  16. ntAgainPetunia
    Well, only time will tell what ultimately happens, but I'm still optimistic yet grounded. For example, just a few minutes ago I got an FB notification from her. I had just set up a Twitter account (finally joining the 2010s), followed a few people (not her) and tweeted my first tweet ("To any Morlocks reading this in the distant future: sorry about the Eloi, my bad.") Nothing to do with anyone or anything, just me being dorky. Anyhow, she messaged me "So, social media is a weird thing. I get a notification on my phone that you have tweeted your first tweet. Seriously, how does Twitter even connect us? Anyway. Um, congrats? Let me know if you figure out Twitter because I don't get it." Update: she also sent this message a couple of minutes later "Thanks for responding to my message. I'm not sure how we build a friendship, if that's what you are thinking...I don't know. I don't know how to have a conversation about any of anything. I'd like to be friends, at some point, but i don't know if that's something we can figure out how to do. And I sure as hell don't want either one of us to be in any more emotional pain." She sounds conflicted and guarded, which I don't blame her one bit. Honestly, I don't want to jump right back into a relationship either, I'd rather take things slowly and see. Interesting days ahead...
  17. ntAgainPetunia
    Saluk, others, I agree that the message was her way of closure on her end. The reasoning or rationale behind it, who knows. I do find it interesting that originally it was essentially my fault we broke up and now it's no one's fault. Perhaps she's letting go of resentments. Perhaps she's seen second hand through mutual FB friends that I'm having an awesome life without her (concerts, travel, lots of new friends). In any case, it really doesn't change a thing. We were broken up before the message, we're still broken up afterward. If anything, she's opened up a little and sent a non-superficial message. You don't do that if you don't care. So, I continue on down the path that I'm going. My response back: "I agree with you that our relationship had hit a dead end and that the status quo was not working. It's better that it ended when it did instead of dragging on and causing any more damage. If you'd ever like to talk or just grab a tasty beverage let me know. In any case, I wish you nothing but the best in your life!" The ball is in her court now. We'll see if she ever decides to run with it. My therapist and I are working on a 'closure' letter of my own (perhaps to be sent to S). None of that weak, pansy-a** language that S sent (and she's an English teacher!) ---------------------------------------------------- Lindorie, I would be cautiously optimistic if I were you! Keep doing what you are doing, it's working wonders for you. I don't know your ex, so I don't know if putting all of the initiative on him is the correct thing to do. You might have to read subtle clues and either take some initiative or nudge him into it. Whatever you do, slow and steady, and keep on living your life for you.
  18. ntAgainPetunia
    beanpot, I don't know if this really changes anything or not. Yeah, it reads like she's trying to provide her own version of closure, but I gave her a closure letter six weeks post BU. Knowing her personally, it could really mean any number of things. As far as how I feel now, I don't feel that much different, just a little more puzzled I guess.
  19. ntAgainPetunia
    I got this message from my ex via FB earlier this morning. I posted this on my main thread too. I'm honestly not sure what to make of it or how I feel about it. I'm going to assume it's her version of a closure letter and/or no longer angry at me and/or no longer blaming the breakup on me and/or responding to the closure letter I gave her in Sept: "M, I hope you know that it is not your fault. You gave as much of yourself as you could give. And I knew that we had come to a point where we were at risk of giving up way too much of what we individually needed in order to try to stay together. I couldn't ask you to give anymore of yourself; I know that you gave what you could. And I couldn't give up any more of my own self in order to embrace the status quo. I think we both did the best we could. Were there times when either one of us made mistakes or could have done more? Of course. But is there a fault or a blame? Absolutely not. I hope that you know that. I think we both did the best we could. I hope that you are well. Thanks for listening."
  20. ntAgainPetunia
    Yesterday was three months post-BU and also ex's birthday. I sent my ex a bday card last week and wished her a happy bday yesterday on Facebook (I made a joke, nothing mushy). She replied with a "lol" and a saying we both used to use with each other. I'll assume she got the card yesterday also. In the evening, she sent the following FB message: "Thank you. For the well wishes, and for the card. I wrote a lot more here, and then I deleted it all. I'll leave it at thank you. For now." Of course, now I really want to know what she deleted I have no plans to contact her anytime soon, but I suspect I'm getting to the place where NIC or even LC will happen. I'm ok with that, at least for now. I think it helps that I've been on a couple of low-key dates recently, so my confidence is coming back. For those of you still struggling, it's a rollercoaster, but all rollercoasters end eventually. I know I have a while before the ride is over, but I'm enjoying the good times while they are here. (oh, obligatory NC day 1)
  21. ntAgainPetunia
    Well, I sent S's birthday card this morning. Depending on when the post office sorts it, it will either get to her house Saturday or Monday (her bday). When I got the idea to send her a card with a dorky message in it, it was more of a "oh hey, remember me?" type of thing. No expectations. But, since I'm trying to be honest with myself, it is a tiny little piece of a wedge back into her life. I do have expectations, and that would be to get a thank you back. If I don't get that, I will be disappointed. If I do, well, I deal with how I feel about it then.
  22. ntAgainPetunia
    lje1994, the mixed messages are pretty common. Even if she doesn't want to be with you, she probably still want you in her life. Do your best not take anything as a sign or proof that she wants to reconcile. Is there any way that your step-sister could warn you if your ex is coming around? Avoiding her may seem childish, but for the near term it will save you some heartache. Best of luck to you, and remember that it's a rollercoaster.
  23. ntAgainPetunia
    Thanks beanpot! The last couple of days have been alright. Mornings are kind of hard, but the day gets easier as it goes along. Last night ended a bit sour for me though, not because of any relationship issues, but more of my fundamental personality. I've joined a large running group recently and meeting people there has been great! It has taken me a bit out of my element, as I am somewhat reserved until you get to know me. Well, last night I was just not clicking with people. I kind of felt that conversations were going on all around me, but not with me. I felt almost invisible. This happens a lot when I'm in a large group situation, but I don't know any of the people well enough yet to just have one on one discussions. Plus... I'm going to a Halloween party Saturday with this group. It was great to be invited, and I'm both looking forward to it and quite nervous about it. Oh, S sent a followup message the day after our last 'conversation' saying "Thank you, btw, for your encouragement through (mutual friend) the weekend of the run. That made me smile. Hope you are doing well." So know I know that (mutual friend) will pass things along. I didn't reply, nothing in the message required a response. I am going to break NC again tomorrow by sending S a birthday card. It's a simple card, and I'm going to write in it "Hope 43 is a prime year for you (math joke). M" (Yes, I am very dorky, but that's one of my charms.) So, day 3/-1 NC I guess.
  24. ntAgainPetunia
    (Copied from my thread in ) Well, I broke NC, essentially sent the breadcrumbs I mentioned above. I got a letter yesterday from a credit agency saying "Hey, someone hacked us and they have your name, address, date of birth, SSN and drivers licence number. But don't worry, no financial information was taken." (Whew, huge relief there). I was livid to say the least and it triggered in me a F--- It, I Don't Care anymore response. After sending the message, I shut down the computer for the night. I didn't want to be online if/when she responded. She did end up responding (just a few minutes after, I believe) with a little inside joke and thanking me for congratulating her on the race. Therapist appointment in two hours. I need it. The steps backward are turning into a slide. Day 1...
  25. ntAgainPetunia
    Day 37 and I feel like I'm moving backward. I have an incredible urge to contact my ex, even if it's just to show her the menu for a new place in town and congratulate her on her half-marathon a week ago. I've been keeping myself very busy, but the thoughts of her keep creeping back into my mind. My chest is pounding and I feel like I did near the start of the BU almost three months ago. I feel that I'm going to break soon. Ugh!
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