ntAgainPetunia

Tom, the whole holiday/birthday/whatever message thing is common and normal and a no-win situation. I'd tell you (and everyone else) to just not think about it, but we all do it anyhow. The fact that you recognize that you are commenting on it is a plus. You still can't win, but knowing you can't win seems to help get over it no matter what she says or doesn't say on xmas. I took a few minutes to look at your backstory and it seems like both of you are confused what you want. You've heard it a million times, but keep up with the NC, focus on yourself and if you do end up talking anytime in the near future, be calm, cool and no relationship talk. Best wishes through the holidays!

Bingo! Remember everyone, the point of NC, first and foremost, is to heal and ground yourself. Once you regain most of your strength, you'll be able to get a handle on what you want and that might be different than what you want at this point. My own case, I went NC for about 7 weeks. By that point, I was still not over my ex, but I had the strength by then to reach out and wish her a happy birthday. We slowly started talking and are at the point now where we chat online a few nights a week (and she is able to joke about me blocking her on FB). Will we reconcile? Who knows, but I was able to tell her face to face that I didn't want to date her at this point (and I don't, as we still have our own individual issues to deal with). Maybe, hopefully someday... or not. I'll be fine either way. So, NC = healing, and if, if, you can get to that point, then you can figure out what or who you want to do

It happens lje, don't beat yourself up for it. Just get back on that horse and ride into the NC sunset

Congratulations Lindorie! I hope we can all follow in your footsteps, whether that be relationship-wise or personal growth-wise, preferably both.

Right, I had to block my ex for a while til I was far enough along to handle it. Despite me wondering what was going on in her life, it did me a world of good. I second the recommendation, block them!

Hope your meetup goes well Lindorie! I guess the main tips I (and everyone else) would give is to stay upbeat and fun. Don't bring up the relationship directly, but it's probably fine to bring up specific good memories. You want to leave a positive impression. Treat it like a first date (because in some ways it is). And keep it relatively short. Again, best of luck!

rlhuk, congratulations, that's wonderful news! If you get a chance, post some of your experiences, I think people would appreciate hearing positive news (it gets so negative here at times). I don't think I'll be posting here very much either, but I still read the thread. My ex and I have been in LC for a couple of weeks. No idea what, if anything, will happen between us, but it's a step in the right direction. For everyone else, stay the course with NC. If and/or when you feel you've recovered enough don't be afraid to take baby steps toward your ex. But heal yourself first.

Don't beat yourself up over it. You just showed you can have a polite, civil conversation with him. That's not a bad thing.

Sean, the waking up issue is one of the classic signs of depression. That's not necessarily a bad thing now, it's one of the stages of grief. Just realize that it will go away eventually and don't beat yourself up about it now. The whole process is difficult, but one day you'll wake up and realize you slowly left that stage. Don't be alarmed if it comes back, it will be shorter if it does.

Killah, I'm glad you're feeling a little better! I asked my ex for space after we broke up and thankfully she respected that. That, and NC, helped me grieve properly and heal that much faster. Look at him avoiding you as a blessing for your own mental health! I still had plenty of down days, but they became less down and more infrequent as time went on. Just be prepared for that. My own situation: sent S a link yesterday to a poster that would be awesome for her classroom (she's a HS English teacher) but totally inappropriate, but that I knew she'd love. Had a couple of quick back and forths and then I went on with my day. I have to admit I was feeling pretty sad when I went to bed last night. Today was ok, haven't messaged her, will wait for her to initiate even if it takes days. And if she doesn't... I'll cross that bridge if I come to it. In the meantime, I have a busy week with family and friends, so I don't have a lot of time to miss or think about her.

blabla, I wished my ex a happy birthday and she didn't respond until later that evening. In her case, I think she was just processing things. That's not to say that's what your ex is doing, but one can't tell what is going on in someone else's mind. It's probably for the best that you don't expect a response, but don't try to read any messages into it. Then again, he might surprise you. Let go of expectations and let whatever is going to happen happen. Hang in there!

OK, she is going to drop off the tomatillos at my house sometime after six (her idea). Guess I'd better clean a bit

Hopeparis, that's a tough one. If you blatantly ignore him, especially around your group, that can come across as rude and immature. But you certainly don't want to give him attention either. If you can, nonchalance around him would be best. And of course NC when you aren't around each other. Tind, never again is a long time. I try not to use the words never and always, as few things really are never or always. I think it will be easier for you to maintain NC if you think of it as small steps: NC today, for the rest of the week, NC for the rest of the month, etc. Saluk, I hope today wasn't too hard for you. As far as my situation, she is definitely not acting like "leave me alone." She went through and liked a bunch of my recent FB statuses last night, started a light conversation about a bathroom renovation picture I posted and just two minutes ago asked if I wanted a bowl of tomatillos from her garden. I should probably respond at some point

Interesting evening after I posted... After S sent her friendship message we joked around a little and I mentioned something about FB. S Well, I don't see what you post on facebook, so maybe you've changed your ways.[/i]" Me: "well, if you want to look..." (and I sent her a friend request) S: "Are you sure? Why the change of heart?" Me: "because I have no animosity toward you and my life is going in a positive direction" An hour later... S: "Here's the thing: I don't know if I'm strong enough to have the conversations. This year has been incredibly hard, and I have no idea where I am. I'm trying to find myself and my footing. I'm starting with a therapist. I started meds. I'm trying to figure out how to be who I need to be and how I need to be and how to be enough for me. There's some truth for ya. So, I am afraid. To have any sort of conversation." Me: "The most important thing is that you work on you. There is no rush to have deep emotionally draining talks, though that might have to happen at some point. FWIW, the biggest issue in my life has been fear, and I'm also working with a therapist on that. I think I get where you are coming from. I'm confident you will find your footing!" A little while after that S: "I think I have to figure out how to be alone. I've always been so desperate to be loved. I just have to figure out how to do that on my own. How to be enough for me. And how, to be good with being alone. and sometimes I'm OK. And sometimes I can't breathe. Thanks for listening." And then as I was getting ready for bed we had a few more light-hearted joking messages to each other. So, my take is that this is all positive. If (and yes, I know it's only an if), we were to ever get together again, we'd both have put work into ourselves. If we don't, I'm still happy she's trying to take care of herself and I know I'll be fine. We'll see what happens. I'll stay in LC and let her guide our interactions. Does this mean I have to leave the NC Challenge?

killah, I won't lie, there are going to be some very rough days ahead. In my case, just knowing that made it easier to get through them when they happened. Also, don't hold back your emotions, they're there to help you process things. You'll move on more quickly if you embrace that. More on my own situation here in a bit. Interesting days have already started