THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[t1lersm0m1]

I guess that this thread is in "Getting Back Together" because people are here, counting the days hoping their loved one will come back? Maybe? Maybe not?

 

Anyway, deep down inside, I hope to hear from my ex again. I don't know why, and I wish I didn't feel that way. I'm trying to figure out how to let go of that hope.

 

I am sticking to NC past day 30. I'm sticking to it until at least Easter, if not forever. I'm co-dependant, and I think that's why I wanted to fix him. I knew the pain he was in due to his lack of self-esteem and thought I could help him.

 

Stay strong everyone. NC is very important for our healing!

[Melting]

Day 3

 

Keep moving forward.

No more slip ups

[MMT]

Day 11

Stressful days. Today I had really stress if everythings go well with the stuff for uni. I said to myself, do everythings well because of him...after 2 seconds I said to myself ..what??? Because of him??why should I do something because of someone?? I want to do everything just for myself...people should not be my reason to do something anymore...this is what I am practicing these days....

 

I hope by next week I am done with enrolement at uni and I know another stage in my life begins from then with my new goal: studying well and get a great job...... Living my life...

[t1lersm0m1]

Keep up the great work everyone! Make sure your numbers keep going UP! We are doing this to HEAL, and put US first! We deserve happiness, but we have to find happiness within first.

 

I'm on this site doing the work, looking inside myself, evaluating my behavior in my past relationship, and learning. And I feel so much stronger!

[js0905]

I contacted you the other day.

I thought I was strong enough, but I was wrong

 

Nothing has changed and your still a liar.

 

Back on the NC path.... Day 2

 

 

 

Yes hang in there, most of us have lost our way once, twice and some even more times....

I have been there and done that a few times and I'm not proud of myself for it but we need to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and try again.

 

It does get easier every time but it is an uphill battle....

 

I'm currently on vacation with friends and family so they keep me distracted and so I didn't post yesterday.

[jenbrooks]

Hello everyone, this is my first post. Today marks my 12 days of NC. Even though we have not broken up yet, but things have been really rough, and I had to ask for the 30 day break to stop myself from going crazy. I tried very hard to save the relationship but I realized that during this period, I became needy, crazy, and desperate. I finally saw myself as not stable, emotionally hurt by what has happened, which caused me to be in a very insecure situation. I requested for the 30 day break from the relationship. It has to be done for my own personal health.

 

I initiated the 30 day break because keeping in touch has become pain. He's been neglecting me, doing minimal work to maintain our relationship, I've been completely opposite, not neglecting him back, but push harder for us to work together, you name it, counseling, scheduling dates, being there for him, eventually one day he told me that he's taking me for granted and that he's not as interested in me as he used to be. When I heard this, I wanted to break up, but he didn't want to, so we settled with middle ground and that is the 30 day break.

 

I don't know how many couples go through a 30 day break and come back together with success, regardless of the statistics, my only hope is whatever the outcome is, I hope it is for the best.

 

12 days without any contact, it's been very tough. Everywhere I go, I see us, the memory of us doing everything together, how could he not want to bring that back, how could he ask me to move out, and now we are apart. Doesn't he enjoy coming home to a fresh home made dinner? Oh gosh, today I'm staying at my friend's house, those laughter coming from the living room of a couple that live here. This reminds me of us again.

 

But think clearly Jen! Think using your head and not your heart. What are the benefits if he contacts you while you are like this? You have to learn to live without him, he already said he's taking you for granted, he already said he's not as interested in you as he used to be. He's not happy around you as much. He's not that in love with you anymore.

 

What can you do? Nothing! You cannot run to his house and ask for confirmation that he's going to come back, you cannot call him, you cannot text, define the results, what are they if you do the following? Ok, if I do the following then these happen:

 

* We end up talking, he may not want to see you again, leave you in limbo

* We end up talking, he may ask you for a date, and then call you whenever he needs to

* We end up talking, you give him the ultimatum, either he takes you back in the house or we break up

* We end up talking, make up sex, and then back to the painful routine of waiting for him to call again

* We end up talking, he is willing to take you back in the house, but he won't be happy because this is not what he wants

 

Basically, initiating contact is opening up the wound, not just a little bit, but quite larger. Damaging it some more, eventually, will lead to more depression for me.

 

Come on Jen! What's there to wonder anymore, he's become different, he's pulled away, he doesn't trust you anymore. He asked you to move out, he's been operating on his own, neglecting you, you are no longer his number one. Yes, as harsh it sounds, like a knife stabbing in your heart, his love has changed for you, the question is, can you live like this? Of course not...

[MMT]

You chose the best way...N.C befor break up.if I chould decide again, I would decide for N.C before initiating break up with him... We were like you recently...I was trying my best but he just neglected me... I was so weak and dependent emotionally on him. I am also saying these days: doesnt he miss me??? Doesnt he want us to be together again? I dont know the answers.....

You are doing the best. Make yourself stronger and see what will happen. The best for sure.

[t1lersm0m1]

My emotions go back and forth, but the last few days have felt pretty good. I just hope I keep feeling better, rather than going back to feeling like crap again.

 

Last year I was so insecure and full of self-hatred, I don't know how I survived. I pushed a good guy away, and went CRAZY...begging, driving there unannounced, texting HUGE texts....all he asked for was time and I physically/emotionally didn't know how to give him time. I was out of my mind! I read self-help books, and for about 4 months searched my soul, and learned how to love myself. I acted like a lovesick teenager, instead of a 35 year old woman.

 

This year, I met a guy even better than the guy from last year, but I still had issues that I didn't realize. I don't know why it took the break up for me to say "Hey, this behavior is not normal, what is wrong with me, and how can I fix it?" I'm co-dependant, and have abandonment issues. I'm the adult child of an alcoholic. My abandonment issues caused me to go crazy when my ex would ignore me. He didn't like conflict, and would ignore me when all I wanted to do was resolve the conflict and find peace in our relationship. His ignoring me set off my abandonment issues and I would call/text/email relentlessly, even driving there. I told myself my actions were his fault for ignoring me. But now, I look back and realize I am in control of MY actions. His actions were wrong, but did nto justify my reaction.

 

My ex from this year is emotionally broken. And because I'm co-dependant I wanted to fix him. I knew what it was like to have low self-esteem and wanted to help him, but he didn't want to be helped. He got angry with me when I tried. But I tried because I thought I coudl fix him (AKA change him).

 

I'm working on me, and I'm becoming so much stronger.

 

My ex is the reason I came to this site, but I'm the reason I've stayed. I see through people's messages that I'm not the only one who feels this way, or acts this way.

 

I broke NC a few times. We broke up on a Friday, I texted and called Saturday. I drove there unannounced Sunday. 8 days later I texted, and then pretended I texted on accident. The end of htat week I mailed his two shirts. Then coming up on a month since he broke up with me I texted, then two days later I emailed. That email was 19 days ago, hency my 18 days of NC.

 

I will not break no contact, at least until April. I'm sure by then I won't have a desire to contact him, but if I do contact him, being the dumpee, April is the earliest I will do it. Part of me still hopes he will contact me before then, but my head tells me he won't.

 

Writing my feelings on this forum helps me feel better. I'm so glad I found this site.

[Melting]

Day 4

 

I awoke teary, not so much missing you... Just so incredibly hurt

[FindingClarity]

Day 26....When the hell am i gonna stop missing you. thank goodness for this place. Love you so much. Wanna message you right now.

[js0905]

Two weeks ago today I broke it off with him =(

Miss him like crazy but I know it hadn't been good for a long time.

What I miss now was long gone, the end of that happy time was probably already 6 months ago.

Since then it was mostly stressful and hurtful going back and forth.

[MMT]

Day 13

Miss you...misss youuuuuuu....

[Hangin Thread]

I miss you...hoping you enjoyed your trip - but maybe just maybe he isn't everything that you need.

I still love you.

[t1lersm0m1]

I dreamed of him last night, for the first time in a few weeks. Probably because I had a date last night and thought of him a few times while on the date. But I've found that the last few days I haven't thought of him as much. Yesterday I only had quick passing thoughts of him a few times during the day.

 

I'm healing. Maybe I'll feel like crap again in a few days, but I'm healing. I know how to love, and I'm not allowing any of my experiences to harden my heart. My heart is very much open to the possibility of being loved the way I deserve to be loved in the future. I'm learning from my experiences, and I'm growing.

[Melting]

Day 5

 

Things are on the improve and I won't fail again... Starting to find my feet

[Urbansun]

Day 3

 

It's been 5 days since break up and 3 days since my last msg to her, which was short and typical, not with the intention to be responded.

 

There was no ''official'' relationship yet.

However I thought I met a girl who was a perfect match. Before our next step, she left the stage running with a sudden ''forget me''.

 

Today, after 2 hard days, I discovered inner inside me other personal issues that I wouldn't be able to bring to the surface without this break up.

I'm willing to solve them asap.

 

So I believe it is already a painfull but constructive and positive experience for me.

Apart from the pain caused, I realised many things about me.

I just moved to a new country alone, without a routine and a job or somebody to whom I can talk and express my pain.

 

Maybe it was not a long relationship, but this time I'm giving this fight all alone. It makes it much more different from other similar experiences.

 

I don't know If I want to contact her again for an other try.

However I desperately need answers about the reasons of her decision, so that I can move on.

 

I respect her decision but I don't believe her somehow.

I still hope that after some weeks she will have the time to thing about it.

I know that it could be just my illusion...

 

After 30 days... I wonder what will happen.

[js0905]

Another day....

Want to let him know I miss him but for what?? I told him that many times before and it didn't make him try harder to make time for me.

I miss his blue eyes, his amazing kisses, the way he smelled, his awesome body and the way he made me feel when we were together.

Crap, crap, crap.....

[t1lersm0m1]

I'm still on the road feeling good, I hope it continues. I started feeling good for several days last time, then I went back to feeling like crap. 7 weeks post break up. We broke up once before and so I asked him three weeks ago last night if it was really over and he said yes, forever. And right now, I feel wonderful. Just hope I keep moving in that direction!

[rippedinsides]

Day 1

 

Re-starting NC. It's been 1.5 yrs since BU but I'm not able to get over him. The pain just gets worse each day. I went NC for a while, then got back in touch. He was very good to me and was very loving. Like an idiot I asked him whether there was a chance to reconcile. I guess I took it too fast. He said that he doesn't see himself being in a relationship with anyone. And that I'm just a friend to him. He still wants to do things together, hang out, etc. But it hurts too much. I don't want to move on from him. But this is killing me. And I know if I am to stay alive I need to move on. So I'm re-starting NC. No definite time period. Will stick on to it (hopefully) till I can get out of depression as I am in right now. Maybe I'm not good enough for any man. But I definitely don't deserve someone who can't make up his mind what he wants with me. If anything we shared means anything to him anymore, let him work for it. I've done enough. I've begged enough. I've catered to his whims enough. It's my fault for being a doormat. And I'm putting an end to it. Growing a back-bone!!!

[AE9876]

Well done. I love a happy 'ending'....though your journey continues. There is a success stories thread somewhere you should post this there.

 

All the best

[AE9876]

Don't beat yourself up. You did your best here. NC should really work for you either way as being ever available has worked against you. You are certainly good enough for the RIGHT man. Please be strong and do this. And I know your heart won't be in it but I think you need to get on the dating sites and get yourself out there. It could be just the boost you need right now.

 

Be strong. xxx

[rippedinsides]

Don't beat yourself up. You did your best here. NC should really work for you either way as being ever available has worked against you. You are certainly good enough for the RIGHT man. Please be strong and do this. And I know your heart won't be in it but I think you need to get on the dating sites and get yourself out there. It could be just the boost you need right now.

 

Be strong. xxx

 

Thanks so much.

[AE9876]

Another day....

Want to let him know I miss him but for what?? I told him that many times before and it didn't make him try harder to make time for me.

I miss his blue eyes, his amazing kisses, the way he smelled, his awesome body and the way he made me feel when we were together.

Crap, crap, crap.....

 

I know when I was doing no contact if I had sent a message over every random thought I had I would have looked like some crazy person (given that they ranged for undying love to total anger as ever). It is easy to say but believe me your restraint will be worth it. If he gets in touch with you especially AND if he doesn't.

 

You send those messages, you don't get a reply right away. It sends you another kind of crazy. Then you sit on it and sit on it, checking your phone every minute. You regret sending it. You REALLY regret sending Then you lose the plot and send him yet another message to tell him how upset you are that he didn't reply....

 

OR he replies and it is not what you want to hear. OMG now you have set yourself back. You have to try and extract yourself from this mustering up as much dignity as you can. Pretend you are okay and you go back to day 1 of NC .... do not Pass Go, do not collect £200. You have undone the toughest bit of work you ever did.

 

Stay strong and on track.

 

Best wishes

[AE9876]

Thanks so much.

 

You are very welcome. Don't ever put yourself down like that. And honestly get yourself on link removed (mainly cos it's free). Don't mention break ups and issues with how awful men are. Just the inevitable flurry to your inbox will do you the world of good I am sure. Grant you they won't all be your cup of tea (far from it) but it only takes one after all. It has done wonders for my esteem I can tell you. x

[Urbansun]

Day 4

 

Hard day again with many ups (less pain) & downs.

 

Fighting with my biology all alone is an endless hell.

I need somebody to talk about it. Nobody in sight...

 

Slowly realizing that she might ment the "forget me" part and there is no hope to get in any sort of touch with her again.

 

Spend hours writing letters to her that she will never receive. It's helping a lot though... While writing and reading countless times these letters, it was the only part of the day I felt creative and focused.

 

I wish I will be able to extend the NC time for ever after 30 days, but it seems impossible now.

I need answers... I don't like this, but I need them like a drug addict.

 

How soon will I focus again on my needs and happiness instead for bringing her memory back every single minute?

 

The third time I'm passing through such an experience in my life, this time alone...