THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[NjoyStick]

Day 37, saw the new Batman movie yesterday and it was awesome!

The thought of her came back today and i don't want to talk about it with my mom cause i know she heard enough from me about it the last 5 months.

 

My friends know of the situation ofcourse and they tell me about single friends they know but it's not in my nature to go looking for someone new, i just want to heal and love will come to me when i least expect it.

 

I keep looking at people's stories through google, searching for "dumped for someone else" and i see alot of people who went through this and it makes me feel better about it.

 

Eveen though i keep thinking about her being with that douchebag all the time having the time of her life and thinking it's love.

 

Thoughts really crossed my mind about going to this guy and just beat the hell out of him...

Stupid arrogant ****...

 

How can she switch from a nice caring person to an arrogant **** that's been single for over 8 years cause nobody is interested in him.... I still don't get it... What the hell is she thinking?

 

She's too young to know what's going on i guess...

Alot of people tell me you have to experience alot together when you are young like looking for a house, buying furniture together, moving in and stuff like that but this new guy of hers already has his own place with his own stuff in it so she has no saying in it whatsoever...

 

Sometimes i just want to jump of a cliff and get it over with, even though she's not perfect for me and will never be, i'm still too attached to that lying *****...

 

Like my mom always told me: He who sows despair, reaps violence.

 

And that's what's going to happen to her, she dumped me for someone else, was there anything wrong with out relationship? She said no there wasn't but she somehow stopped loving me after 4 wonderful years...

And i don't believe in emotionally checking out cause that's disrespectful, immature and just pathetic, why would you check out of a good relationship with so many good things to happen in the future?

 

Emotionally checking out is a BS reason for people who need a soft way to start a new relationship right away with someone who they have these little feelings for...

 

You can't just dump someone after all these years and start something with a guy who you barely know and already be happy with without even knowing if they are right for you or not...

 

I've vented enough for today!

 

Time to think about the happy things again =)

[mickgriddle]

Does liking a single story on her facebook wall count as breaking contact? It's been 5 days post-break up, and I've been good with no texting/calling/messaging or whatever. Haven't even asked her close friends about her because I know that kind of stuff will come back to bite you. However, I got a sentimental moment and checked out her profile and "liked" a single update on how she changed her profile picture to one of a really cool photo from a past trip that she shared with me previously. I hope she doesn't take that as me reaching out to her. Eh, it'll probably serve me better to not even peep in the first place.

[NjoyStick]

Mickgriddle, it's for the best if you don't look at anything of hers, if you have a sad and bad time cause of the break up then it's best to cut contact fully, maybe even block her facebook for a while, cause if you don't you'll be temped to check it out once in a while and the possibility to find stuff you really don't want to know is high so instead of living through your ex, live through yourself, it's you-time and you-time only!

[skheehee]

Mickgriddle, it's for the best if you don't look at anything of hers, if you have a sad and bad time cause of the break up then it's best to cut contact fully, maybe even block her facebook for a while, cause if you don't you'll be temped to check it out once in a while and the possibility to find stuff you really don't want to know is high so instead of living through your ex, live through yourself, it's you-time and you-time only!

 

I gotta second you on this, NjoyStick.

 

Mick, I used to be like you, constantly checking checking on her profile at first, then slowly, checking in once in a while, to see any hints, any "hope" of her getting back to me. Then I realised after a while that all I'm doing was just stopping myself from truly healing, as all plastered over her Facebook wall are photos of her and the new guy(some in suggestive poses), and stupid declarations of "love" between the both of them, and it hurt me pretty darn good. Then, I did what should have done a long time ago. I stopped. And now, I feel much better. What you don't know won't hurt you. It's not true for everything, but in this case, it would help you, A LOT.

 

So stop checking in on her dude. Take it as though there's nothing left for you with her, and instead of putting her on a pedestal, think of her negative traits. Then, you will see her in a different light and you wouldn't want to check up on someone like that, would you?

[NjoyStick]

Pure words of wisdom Skheehee!

Try to listen to the people on this board Mick, some here are pretty far in the healing process and know the best way to deal with it!

 

No time for more hurt, just time for healing!

[Roundabout]

6 days of technical NC, I'm waiting for her part of rent check to begin full NC so I can tell her to just mail it to me

 

3 1/4yrs have gone by, I thought she was the one, but she isn't... moving on slowing but surely

[NjoyStick]

Roundabout, somehow we all thought the ones we had for so many years were the one for us but even after everything we did, all the love we gave they backed out...

It just means they aren't worthy of our love, the fact that we are here together to share our stories tells us we are great people with a good heart so we have to save it for mr/mrs right!

[Neil123]

Attempt 1 Day 1:

 

So it's completely over. Done. I initiated the NC last night. We were completely in love (I think) and had our first holiday together book for late August. Her 'busy' and unpredictable modeling career and my temporary unemployment (waiting to start a new job in Sept) caused too many arguments and so I ended it last week, hopeless.

I changed my mind, I realised that maybe things will change in 2 months when I start work...I'd have been more busy and more confident and a different person, but the damage was done. She rejected my first letter to get back together, and then the pleading started. It only lasted for a day fortunately, one looong text message and two phonecalls, and then I threw in the towel. She told me I was pushing her away so I knew it was the end.

I took control and cancelled the holiday, and told her no more contact and we said our goodbyes last night. Closure.

 

So that's that. I'm not really sure how I feel about this. At first I was actually relieved it was over, and then I was apathetic this morning. I did some Yoga this morning to calm my head which was ok and then had a workout. I'm going to be doing ALOT of working out and yoga. I've been working out for 5 years already but i'm going to try and reach places that I have never reached before and look better than I ever have done.

I then drove round to her house to drop off the birthday present which has been sitting in my room for next month. Silly, but I did love her, and if I can't send her a text on her birthday then she can at least have those, besides I want her to remember me as a special person. I always got my presents spot on and she will no doubt cry hysterically when she opens it later. Her mum gave me a massive hug and said she's distraught it's over. We chatted about it for 10 minutes (I think that was wrong actually, but she insisted) and I left.

 

Back to how I feel. At the moment I'm fluctuating between missing her, confusion and anger. I miss how gorgeous she was, actually beautiful. Her eyes were large and blue, she had gorgeous blonde hair and legs that went on for miles. And ambitious. She had her finger in so many pies: model, stylist, writer. I miss her family too. I miss the fact that she was out of my league and I also miss the fact that she absolutely loved me. But I just don't know if I miss her personality. She was amazing and seemed to fluctuate between massively self righteous, confident and insecure. She loved to laugh and didn't take anything too seriously, apart from fashion. That was everything to her. I've thought I've loved her for years, but why are there no memories of her saying sweet nothings to me? Aren't I meant to recall all the good times? Maybe it was just lust? I don't know.

 

And then I get angry. Angry that she should've given me a second chance. I think I deserved one, obviously, and I think she will regret it, I really do. And I'm also angry that she always said she was so 'busy'. She wasn't busy. Her life was full of variety but she was certainly no busier than any person with a full time job. But for some reason I still felt neglected by her as she was too busy and the relationship died.

 

So that's day 1. Right now I'm worrying that no other girl in the world will be as gorgeous as she is. It all seems pretty natural so i'm not panicking yet.

 

Let's see how tomorrow goes.

[Blondie176]

Day 25-26

 

I got very confused regarding which day it was today LOL I guess thats a good sign!

 

I have nothing new to add really, i am letting go, i am slowly starting to look forward instead of backwards. I am still glancing over my shoulder on occasions at what could have been but i think that will wear off with time. Or maybe i will look back periodically and wonder about him. I hope one day i can do it with peace and sincerely hope he is doing well. Not that i wish he was doing crap right now...well ok maybe a little

 

xxx

 

Day 27- 28

 

I am nearly there!

 

I was out last night and can honestly say that he didnt cross my mind at all, when i got home though and was alone and quiet in bed, he crept into my thoughts. I can say though that when i think about him now it doesnt make me burst into tears like before. I still feel sad that we are done. But i can see now that time is my friend in this.

 

I still miss him but i miss the him i knew, the us that we were..not the him he is now..does that make sense? I feel like i dont know him anymore, not even sure what i would say to him now anyway, after a few pleasantries,then what?

 

For anyone on the early days, hang on in there. Let the feelings come, let the tears come, shout, scream, stay quiet, do what you have to do to get through. The anxiety will ease, the feeling lost and alone will ease, the not sleeping, the lack of appetite, the lack of interest in pretty much everything and everyone will ease. You will come through this. xxx

[g3m1nn1]

Day 4 / 3rd try

 

It goes on in circles, i either dont allow myself to step out of it or what.

I am actually angry at myself for that, because how the heck can i progress if i am in this limbo.

So i took a trip with my friends yesterday to go see Batman in Vienna in Imax, and i juat came back, now awake for 26 hours.

The experience was great and all, but boy does driving at night suck, especially if you are not te driver, people around you are asleep and thoughts just come, and the drive is 3 hours, so woopiidooo. All the freaking unanswered and repeating questions, fu** me.

 

I know i shouldnt feel guilty for not being in contact with her, but i guess the dynamics just messed mee up. I need positive thoughts cuz this is not going anywhere...

 

Going to take a nap.

[Karianne]

g3m, I totally agree with you, the nights are the worst (like now). It'll get better though. I'm on Day 27 and I'm feeling much better than I did two weeks ago. I've finally come to terms with the breakup and reflecting, and realizing everything wasn't as peachy as I thought they were. I lowered my standards and I settled for less than I deserve. And my ex is right, I do deserve better. I know that in our present states us getting back together would do more harm then good. I look forward to the future, but I look forward to living in the now even more.

[skheehee]

g3m, I totally agree with you, the nights are the worst (like now). It'll get better though. I'm on Day 27 and I'm feeling much better than I did two weeks ago. I've finally come to terms with the breakup and reflecting, and realizing everything wasn't as peachy as I thought they were. I lowered my standards and I settled for less than I deserve. And my ex is right, I do deserve better. I know that in our present states us getting back together would do more harm then good. I look forward to the future, but I look forward to living in the now even more.

 

Yes, we deserve better. Much better. Putting our exes on a pedestal is only pulling us back from achieving our true potential.

[g3m1nn1]

Yes, we deserve better. Much better. Putting our exes on a pedestal is only pulling us back from achieving our true potential.

 

The problem occurs when we put them off the pedestal and still freaking want them...

[Chinafish]

The problem occurs when we put them off the pedestal and still freaking want them...

 

Ain't that the truth.

 

He broke NC last night, and I let him have it - both barrels. Told him he's made his choice, and to F O and leave me alone.

 

I've blocked him on fb, I've deleted 2 messages without reading them this morning. Maybe I'm finally seeing the light

[Neil123]

Yesterday didn't finish so well. I thought about her all night and only cheered up when she text thanking me for the present and I felt 'involved' again. I debated whether to text back and I decided to. Of course she was going to text me after I did that. She's a person who's hurting too, she deserves a text back. So I did, just saying enjoy them. I'm not counting that as a fail as I feel like I did the right thing.

 

 

Day 2 Attempt 1

 

Last night in bed, I somewhat regretted giving the present. All it does is make her miss me and feel guilty and I shouldn't make her feel that way. It's selfish to prolong her heartache just so I feel wanted for longer. It dawned on me that she's a person too with her own needs and own life. I actually feel a lot better today for that realisation. I need to let her go and stop thinking of what I want the whole time. I broke her heart and gave up on us first and I need to face the consequences now. Too many people forget that their (current or ex) partner is another person with their own life, wants and needs and see them as just a possession. That's why they refuse to accept it when they move on. It actually feels easier to deal with this when I'm doing it for her, and not for myself.

[skheehee]

End of Day 23 and 24

 

A few friends of mine told me that the ex has been posting in her Facebook stuff that the new guy does that pleases her e.g. Polishing her shoes, cooking for her in the middle of the night. Well, I was curious and broke my "Facebook fast", and tried to check up on her. Lo and behold, she has prevented me from seeing her updates and status on the social networking site. Oh well. It's not that I care. Just curious.

[Pleasedonot5]

Day 10, attempt 3 (wasn't able to post this yesterday)

 

Felt fine today (well, yesterday). I had senior pictures done (which turned out pretty well btw!) and went to my relative's house for dinner. Once there, my distant cousin had his girlfriend over, and I felt a large feeling of nostalgia, but it faded and I started to have fun when we started playing card games and joking around.

 

My thoughts lately have been focused on whether I truly want to get back together with her or not (if she brings it up). I've had two recons in the past that failed due to the same problems, and the longest didn't last for more than three months. So, I'm faced with wanting her and serious apprehension. If she initiates a reconciliation conversation, I will have to tell her these concerns of mine, and tell her what I would like her to work on. These improvements include:

 

-Honesty

-Upfrontness with her feelings, no sugarcoating, no sparing my feelings because she doesn't like fighting

-An examination of the people she hangs out with (some can be VERY immature and it may have rubbed off on her. I've learned that her being friends with my ex ex is a definite no-no (she tried to screw this whole situation up for me). I would also, in the future, like her to make friends with my friends on Track, XC, etc. so we have more mutual friends)

 

I don't think that this is too much to ask for, because I'm friends with her friends (and I will continue to pursue friendships with her friends if we're to get back together)... It just isn't/wasn't being reciprocated towards the end of the relationship. I remember at this one Track party that we went to about a week before we broke up and she didn't even try to have a good time. A matter of fact, she was texting my ex ex five minutes after we arrived there about how bored she was and about how my ex ex should come "save" her. Then, she left about an hour later. I thought that such was very immature, because even in a place where I didn't necessarily fit in before (her youth group, I'm non-religious), I still made friends with a lot of her friends.

 

Seeing her at a party on day 11 (which really is today). I'll let everyone know how that goes!

[Blondie176]

Day 29 Been busy enjoying family and the lovely weather here today, i am very tired so an early night for me tonight. He is still invading my thoughts but i can discard of them more easily now. I am still dreading the day i see him again or hear about things that happen between him and his new gf, moving in together, kids ect but i will deal with that as and when it happens. I know that although hearing that might sting, it wont knock me to the ground in a heap like it would have done 29 days ago.

 

I think i will need more than 30 days to get over him. I am not putting any time limit on my healing, it will take as long as it takes. I dont intend to record the days after tomorrow though because as much as this site has helped me, ( a massive thankyou to members present and past for posting such supportive messages and sharing their journeys xxx) i think it is time to move on. Pretty sure i will pop back to update and hopefully encourage others though.

 

I am sort of enjoying the thought of a new road ahead for me, if i am honest with myself X and i would not have worked out in the long run, i wont go into the whys cause there is no point now. Both of us would need to work on things and i am not sure i could be bothered with the hassle lol

 

I am not at a point where i sincerly wish him well, i obviously dont wish him any harm but wishing him all the best at this point would be false.... hopefully that changes with time. Just so i can be at peace with everything.

 

Anyway i rambled on a bit hehe.. hoping you guys are hanging on in there xxx

[g3m1nn1]

Blondie you certainly came a long way, record broken

 

I guess wishing an ex all the best, comes after all the waer is under the bridge and no sooner.

Anything we say in the meantime is half true, imo.

Good luck and do stop by anytime

[Chinafish]

Aww Neil, you're as bad as me. I Feel horribly guilty if I ignore his texts. I told him to leave me alone yesterday, and having ignored his texts this morning, I completely buckled and emailed him this evening. I even apologised for being mean yesterday, when really I meant every word.

 

He hasn't replied, thank God, so I'm back to square 1.

[Neil123]

Aww Neil, you're as bad as me. I Feel horribly guilty if I ignore his texts. I told him to leave me alone yesterday, and having ignored his texts this morning, I completely buckled and emailed him this evening. I even apologised for being mean yesterday, when really I meant every word.

 

He hasn't replied, thank God, so I'm back to square 1.

 

It's hard isn't it! To be honest, I only replied because I believed I brought it on myself with the present stunt. It was harsh to expect her to accept it without somehow acknowledging it. I think it's best to set a precedent and ignore any messages they send you if that's the rules. Either they won't send again or they will want you more (if that's what you want).

 

Best of luck! It's good to be here with other 'sufferers'!

[Neil123]

Day 2 Update

 

I've been thinking about what I was talking about earlier all day. But i've been happy. For two years now I've played games in order to ensure she doesn't get over me. I realised that the best way to love her is to let her go and be happy.

So I sent her a message (i'll start again I suppose) about my motives with the present; I apologised for not being the amazing boyfriend that we both believed i'd been; I explained that love is more than just thoughtful gifts and gestures (which i did alot of) and that it's about support, appreciation and understanding - which i didn't do enough; I told her that I'm taking a few months to better myself; that maybe in the future we can give it another go, but only if i'm/we're ready; and finally, that today is the first day in a while that i remembered that i absolutely loved her (and how to love her).

 

I don't feel sad, but sort of solemn at the moment. I'm pleased I let her go and hopefully helped her forget all her guilt so she can move on. I'm upset that I may have lost my 'power' over her, but the relief that i'm not holding her life backs feels really good.

 

Anyways, onwards and upwards! I really hope I stick with this mentality. Yoga tomorrow morning and then spending the afternoon with friends. Let's go!

[Pleasedonot5]

Day 11, attempt three

 

Good day running, going to the gym, hanging out with friends, etc.

 

Saw the ex at a party today. I was anxious because she initially didn't show up and I wasn't prepared for that I guess. I felt a little awkward because of it. When she got there, she was affectionate, her friends were all giving her looks when she was around me, and everything was fine and then we started to act all crazy and fun like we used to. It got to a point where I was playing with her hair... I dunno but I kind of regret doing that. It got a little awkward after that, but I suppose nothing too bad. I felt a little better when a mutual friend said my ex told her she wanted to work things out (but I guess that was before the hair-playing and stuff). I hope I didn't screw things up though by hanging around with her more than I should have or by acting weird. Gahh

 

EDIT: But, she just posted a status saying, "I'm only me when I'm with you." Perhaps it wasn't such a bad thing after all. We'll see.

[skheehee]

End of Day 25

 

Had a bout of flu but met up with my mates to play soccer. Had a match and we trashed the other team 6-1. I sprained my ankle though. Urgh.

 

I'm beginning to realize that there are other things in life that make me happy. I don't need a SOMEONE to do so. Happiness is from within. And I was already happy before I met you, dearest ex-girlfriend.

 

It will take some time before I reach the stage where I do not care about her anymore. When that day comes though, I'm sure to savour every moment of my life after that. And I only have one person to thank for that. And that person, is ME.

[Blondie176]

Day 30

 

So here i am on day 30! I never thought i would get this far in the early days.

 

I liken this challenge to climbing a mountain, a solo climb but with fellow climbers all around you. Some flying past, some struggling, some slow starters but all offering their support along the way.

 

 

I started out on this challenge and failed miserably, twice! First time i got to day 12, second attempt to day 13, those early attempts were pure hell. I wasnt sleeping, eating, or taking any interest in anyone or anything. All i could think about was him and her. I felt like i was being haunted by them.

 

I cried all the time, i had panic attacks, i couldnt breath, i felt uneasy about my life, my future and my whole world felt like it had collapsed around me. I felt like a part of me had died, my best friend for 2 years had deserted me, threw me to the curb like a piece of rubbish no longer required. Its a lonely feeling and one that i thought i would never ever recover from.

 

Third attempt went a lot more smoothly, i think by then i was reluctantly starting to accept that he wasnt coming back, also questioning myself as to whether i would really want him back..that was a huge step for me.

 

The days have been hard and slow, there have been moments of sadness, moments of despair and moments of needing him so badly but i resisted. I started to re-connect with the world, saying yes to every invite out that came my way. I started to enjoy life again, he was never far from my mind but i was finding i was going short amounts of time not thinking about him. I was starting to move on!

 

I still think about him, i still wonder what he is doing, wonder if he is happy, wonder if he misses me at all? I still have moments of sadness that i lost my best friend and lover, i still believe we had a good thing going..but it just wasnt meant to be. I am accepting that, slowly.

 

I cant say i am at peace with the whole thing yet, i think i need more than 30 days ( 2 months if i include the other 2 NC attempts) but i can say that i am on the road to recovery. My heart no longer feels heavy, i am learning to be alone again, maybe someday i will meet someone new and open my heart once again. But for now its ok that i am alone.

 

I do want to thank everyone on this thread, you guys who post now and the ones who posted before has helped me more than you could know.

 

For those who are in the early days of their journey, please do believe people when they tell you that time heals, it is true! What you feel today will not stay forever, you may not notice when that feeling lessons, but it will, even if by only a tiny bit each day. As each day passes you are moving forward, although it really doesnt feel like that at the time. But one day you will notcie that you slept better or you managed to watch something funny on the tv without him or her invading your mind. You will smile again, i promise.

 

As for me now, i intend to stay in NC, i really dont think there is anything left to say to him. I played all my cards a long time ago and he made his decision to be with her and thats that. I have nothing let for him anymore. Just more time to move on completely.

 

 

Take care everyone and thank you for the support and kind words... pretty sure i will pop in and out of this forum in the future so see you around. xxxxx