THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[jcapulet2007]

You didn't mention the backstory of why you broke up, etc, but did he ever mention the possibility of getting back together at all, or is that not even in the cards at all? It seems like he is definitely making you jealous by flaunting this new person around, or it could be a rebound -- do you suspect he was with her while you two were at the tail end of your relationship as well? Maybe that was a factor that led to the breakup...

 

I have no idea why we broke up :sad: He just suddenly stopped calling and then this woman appeared. I havent been able to speak to him.

 

It was a relatively short but very intense relationship (10 months) and that last evening we spent together, we seemed very positive. I spent 3 weeks worried sick about him, unable to contact him.

 

It really did come from nowhere.

[SadAndDepresse]

Day 3-

 

Time is going pretty slow.. feels like forever since we have talked. I am so confused as to why she hasn't called me, I'm sure it feels like nothing to her but it is so big to me. Coming up to exams in 2 weeks time just before she comes up, trying to concentrate on study but this means I am stuck at home and hardly any time to see friends because we are all studying, hard to get her off my mind.

 

Wondering if there is any hope in her mind to get back together after this "break" or if there is none, whether I should be still holding out so to speak. Only time will tell, 2 weeks from today until she is here.. Then I will get my answer and either move on or work it out.

 

Let's keep going

[HeavyD]

Day 1. WOW

 

I'm starting to feel like this is more of a challenge to her, and she doesn't even know about it haha. No matter what, she just cannot go a certain period of time without saying something.

 

The past couple of days I had been thinking "wow, it's been a while since I last heard from her... going on 21 days, that's a new record!"

 

So I get home from a 6 hour night class and decide to take a nap before finding out what was going on that night. About an hour later I wake up to my phone vibrating...

 

She sent a text, twice, that said "were you just in my court?" (she lives in a cul-de-sac). First, I laughed out loud to myself. Here I am moving on and engaging in everyday life, and the girl that DUMPED me, either has paranoia issues or thinks I am a total wacko. Either way, I'm fine with it.

 

I shot a quick next back and said "nope, you just woke me up from a nap in my living room... thanks"

[peanutbutterandjelly]

now i understand why they tell you not to break no contact. Cause while it may feel good at the time, or hours after, it does not feel good the next day. I dont regret my decision because i got some closure, but i do feel like i took a step backwards... he told me he would call me today to check up on me and he hasnt and of course im freaking out even though it is only 11am in the morning. I know i should just let it be, and perhaps continue to go NC even if he does contact me, I just know that if I do that, I WILL NOT talk to him for MONTHS and the idea absolutely terrifies me. I am not ready for that so i just feel like i am holding on to him by at thread.... just cause i cant let him go yet.

[JustOneSecond]

Day 1

Complete fresh start for me. Been kidding myself for weeks that him contacting me has anything to do with him wanting me back. I'm not gona let him mess me around. If he wants an ego boost he can get it somewhere else. I'm aiming for indifference.

I'm gona miss him so much but he can't keep giving me false hope, even if he doesn't realise he's doing it.

[feelingitnow]

Day 7

 

Yesterday was his birthday but I was able to hold off and not make any contact. Today I feel like there are unanswered questions I wanted to clarify -- he said it made things harder because he was still attracted to me and had feelings for me -- but I didn't ask what he meant by that, made things harder for what? And I wondered if he was just using me for sex in the 2 months after we broke up that we kept talking regularly and meeting for sex -- but he did say the last time that he didn't want me to think he was using me for sex -- and he said he had a one month break from someone he dated before and that it had a "positive outcome" -- I just wasn't sure what that outcome was, did they get back together? I wish I'd thought to ask that when I had the chance when we met for the last time last week. He also admitted that he'd gone on a few dates with someone new, but that this time apart new had nothing to do with the new person -- I asked if he liked them, and he said he didn't even know, just that he was physically attracted to them. He said that this wasn't to buy any time or anything, that being apart was the only way he could consider starting something new with me. He also did say that this wasn't a relationship "break" but it was a breakup...

 

So these questions are floating around in my brain and I kind of want to reach out to him to clarify them and what he meant. By the same token, we mutually agreed to be apart until December so that he could think about reconciling, that it was the only way that he could consider starting something with me again, was to have space and time apart -- and for me not to keep putting pressure on him. And that he needed time to process the past so that he could think about the future. I would like clarification to these questions I have, but at the same time am thinking of the effects of contacting him at this time. I don't want to mess any future chances up -- but December still seems so far away, and I am scared of what he will say then -- I wonder what am I waiting for -- do I want final closure now, or do I want to wait til December not knowing until then and just maybe to end up with a result of having closure then. I have no interest in being friends with him, if he does not want to date again or is seriously involved with someone new. I'm also worried he is just doing this hoping I will be able to be friends with him, which I told him will not be possible if we are not dating. I've talked to various friends, and some say to just respect his wishes and wait it out, others have said that it's not worth the aggravation for for me to just get some closure now and be done with it.

 

I am trying to be strong, however, even though it is hard. I just hate the waiting and not knowing what can happen...

 

Does anyone have any suggestions?

[feelingitnow]

Sounds like you're sort of torn -- you say you don't regret contacting him but at the same time it has done more harm than good to you emotionally...hopefully he calls you today like he promised, I'm like that too, where if someone says something I expect them to follow through, otherwise it feels like they don't care. Try to stay strong...did he give any indication that you would be back together at some point, or did he make it clear that things were over for good? I think that's the real closure that you need, and if he hasn't made that clear then maybe that's why you're still holding on...I think that's the real answer that you need to have, so that you can decide which direction to go in your life next. Do you want to be friends with him, even if he does not want to be with you?

[feelingitnow]

Holy crap, end of day 29...

 

still dont believe its been this long, and yet its been no time at all.

 

I miss her, and am a bit sad, only because all the moving on I have done means leaving that part of my life in the past.

 

Tomorrow is day 30, I know its just a number, so as of now, I have no plans to call her or get in touch with her. The ball is in her court for that, and ill make a decision whether to respond if or when she does.

 

My therapist still thinks she is an addiction, and says the only way to break it is complete abstinence from the addiction, which is her.

 

 

Congratulations on making it this far!!! If it's an addiction then abstinence is the best way to avoid getting back into it, otherwise you would continue the unhealthy cycle it seems that you may have had before...

[feelingitnow]

I have no idea why we broke up :sad: He just suddenly stopped calling and then this woman appeared. I havent been able to speak to him.

 

It was a relatively short but very intense relationship (10 months) and that last evening we spent together, we seemed very positive. I spent 3 weeks worried sick about him, unable to contact him.

 

It really did come from nowhere.

 

 

 

Sad as it is to say, if this other woman appeared that quickly after you broke up then they probably had something going prior to the breakup. Sounds like you should avoid him like the plague, because it seems like he may not have been completely honest with you, and the thought of him with this new woman seems to be really causing you a lot of pain. In this case, it doesn't sound like there's a lot of hope for future reconciliation if he doesn't seem to be missing you as much as you are missing him, and he already has someone new. You should definitely stick to NC and try to move on with your own life and, when you're ready, try to find someone new yourself...

[feelingitnow]

All I can say is AWESOME! You are really putting your foot down here and showing that you're moving on with your life. You should be really proud for showing your indifference -- who broke up with whom, I wonder? Was she the dumper or the dumpee?

[jcapulet2007]

Sad as it is to say, if this other woman appeared that quickly after you broke up then they probably had something going prior to the breakup. Sounds like you should avoid him like the plague, because it seems like he may not have been completely honest with you, and the thought of him with this new woman seems to be really causing you a lot of pain. In this case, it doesn't sound like there's a lot of hope for future reconciliation if he doesn't seem to be missing you as much as you are missing him, and he already has someone new. You should definitely stick to NC and try to move on with your own life and, when you're ready, try to find someone new yourself...

 

Thanks for the response.

 

It is looking that way, but I find it really difficult to comprehend, as the weeks leading up to this had been amazing. The relationship had really started to deepen and he seemed to be really opening up about his feelings towards me. He had just started a new job which meant less time together but he was being more attentive calling etc. even if he finished work late he still popped over for half hour to say goodnight.

 

My only guess is that he met her through this new job. So much for all the support I gave him!

 

I've entered this challenge not because I think I can try and get him back..I'll never look at him in the same way now. But to heal from the pain that this cold discard has caused me. I have had no desire to contact him, but I don't know how I'll cope IF I do hear from him in the future or run into them again. I actually fear leaving my house now for that reason as he only lives around the corner..the thought of it at the moment makes me feel physically sick. I do miss him.

 

7 days NC !

[Nappyloxs]

Day 4. Still thinking of her. Snowed in at the house, so that is not helping much. Don't know why I keep thinking that she will comeback???? But still, I know that I am moving forward and just going through different stages. While I keep thinking of "comeback" conversations, I am also telling myself she is not coming back and to move forward. I am starting to slowly accept the truth.

 

Realize that I have been a hermit lately. The first month or so after the breakup, I was going out even if it meant pushing myself. Lately, I haven't really even tried to go out. At first, I don't think I was ready to go out. I missed her no matter if I was at a club, bar, or even the strip club (no not even for sex, just missed her). Now I want to go out and try an enjoy myself. Maybe even find a rebound.

 

Honestly, I am confused whether I want to I want a rebound or not. I want to focus on myself, but I think a rebound will help me realize that my ex. is not the only woman in the world and to actually have someone like me again for me, even if its for only a few months.

 

At least NC is easier now. I really don't want or think of contacting her anymore.

[HeavyD]

All I can say is AWESOME! You are really putting your foot down here and showing that you're moving on with your life. You should be really proud for showing your indifference -- who broke up with whom, I wonder? Was she the dumper or the dumpee?

 

 

She was the dumper. I had a thread floating around somewhere with the main story. Basically, she broke up with me. I went NC right away. She contacted me time and time again (negatively) just trying to get a rise out of me. It's like clockwork now. Every couple of weeks she will say something, just to see if I'll respond. Well I haven't given in once, and man does it feel good. I reply, but not what she wants to hear.

 

The sense of independence and freedom you get from knowing you are moving forward, while your dumper is falling apart, is awesome. Stay strong people!

[jj21]

Day 11: Feeling up and down all the time!! Trying to make it until Christmas when I might see her... Got a feeling she will contact eventually. We're on good terms and are friends, see what happens!

[HeavyD]

Well JJ if you're on good terms, you're 10 steps ahead of the game already... That means that communication lines are still open. Whereas the other 80% of us, they are either shut up completely (whether it's by them or us).

[feelingitnow]

I don't know the circumstances of the breakup, but that will have a lot to do with your chances of getting back together in the future; obviously you really care about her...maybe you are thinking she will come back because of denial? Again, I don't know the details and what the chances are for that to realistically happen but think about what led to the breakup and if you really think that it's fixable. In terms of keeping yourself occupied in the meantime, try to force yourself to connect with old friends and stay busy if you can -- a rebound may not be a bad idea but just make it clear to the person that you don't want anything serious, etc so that you don't end up hurting someone else as a result of it. In terms of getting back together, something these forums show is that those who focus on themselves while apart instead of trying to devise ways of getting back together seem to show the greatest likelihood of success in eventually getting back together...so focus on yourself, do what you have to do, and stick to NC for now if you have the answers that you need for now...and stay strong...I am feeling the same way too and so are the others on here, so you are not alone!!

[feelingitnow]

So today was Day 7 and I broke my NC today. We broke up in august, were talking regularly til last week --when we agreed for space until December, but there were just some open questions in my mind I needed answers to. so i texted him and he said I could ask via text...

 

I needed to know:

1) was he just using me for sex the times we met in sept and oct?

2) what did he mean when it made things harder that he was still attracted to me?

3) what "bad behaviors" did i have that he said he didn't like about me?

4) he'd said he had a "positive outcome" with an ex he took a break from before -- what was that outcome?

5) was he completely over me -- yes or no?

6) what was the point in us waiting til december?

 

his answers were:

1) he wasnt using me for sex and that he thought i was a "willing participant" and that he didnt want to be physical but i had pressed the issue (which i did bc we have a lot of sexual tension with each other) -- and that it always ended up happening anyway...

2) he said it made it harder to end things when we first broke up and then later in sept and oct "when things got messy"

3) he said i didnt respect him when he said no to things over and over and i still insisted anyway, like wanting to hang out/see him -- which he gave into. he always made me feel like he liked it, because he had always said before that me being aggressive was a turn on for him so i thought i had permission.

4) that the positive outcome was yes he and the person got back together briefly after they had time apart.

5) he answered very carefully that "like i told you before, in this instance, at this time, given the choice of yes or no, i would say yes.

6) that he needed the time apart and space to "clear his head, think about the things we talked about, and determine if his feelings really were genuine.

 

i just responded that he should have faith and remember the good times, and that i agreed that i was over the old relationship and that we would have to start something new again. so i guess tomorrow brings me back to day 1 again, but i feel more at peace having these answers and knowing where he is coming from. he felt like i didnt listen before, which i didnt always do, so im taking what he is saying at face value but still have hope for the future. absence makes the heart grow fonder, and i am going to focus on myself and hopefully we will both be different, better people when we meet again. i hope we can remember the reasons why we liked each other in the first place -- everything was good until july when we both went through a lot of transitions --job and housing moves, etc and then things kind of fell apart after that.

 

im hoping that the coming weeks will allow us both time to focus on ourselves and to be able to have a fresh start and a new beginning when we meet again.

 

maybe its a vain hope...but at least we have set a date to meet and it's not open-ended. i really care about this guy and am not ready to say goodbye to him forever yet, nor will i be able to maintain a friendship with him. it's either-or for me. but i am content not to have any contact until december, i got what i needed to off my chest and am not disappointed about breaking the NC.

 

i just feel kind of stupid bc throughout sept and oct i was bringing him gifts and stuff to try and win his heart back and apparently i was a fool for doing so at that time. he kept all of them and used them...maybe he is just doing tough love now to force me to focus on myself bc i was overly dependent on him, i dont know. but he doesnt matter now. what i accomplish in the weeks ahead will be a determinative factor, i cant be the same person -- and i need to do this for myself, too, whether we reconcile in the end or not. he is someone worth waiting for though, and honestly he is so high maintenance that i cant really imagine many other people having the patience to deal with him.

 

so we shall see...back to NC Day 1 tomorrow....

[waveseer]

^^^ He isn't taking responsibility for his own actions. Why would you want someone like that?

[feelingitnow]

^^^ He isn't taking responsibility for his own actions. Why would you want someone like that?

 

You know, you're right...everything he said was on me, my fault, like he told me, like he said before, etc etc etc. There is no sense of responsibility there at all...it does give me something to think about. I have been trying to meet new people, as well. And honestly, I bent over backwards a lot of times throughout the relationship to accommodate him. He would cancel plans at the last minute, saying "oh well such and such came up" etc. And then it was my fault that I put my other plans on hold intending to have a special time hanging out with him. I did accommodate him a lot. He is an only child, as well, and his parents shower him with attention even now so I am sure that has something to do with it, as well. Thank you for pointing that out about his responses -- something I hadn't really thought about before...

 

He would always have a tornado of excuses for things, and avoiding responsibility was a pattern in our relationship. And I always accepted that. If we do reconcile, that's not something that I should allow to continue...

[waveseer]

Unless he owns up to his part up front I would caution you against entertaining any thoughts of reconciliation. A lesson I learned the hard way.

[HeavyD]

I agree completely. It ALWAYS takes two to tango, no matter what the circumstances. Looks like he's taking the cowards way out and trying to pin everything on you. Well don't let him...

[Mustachio]

Well its 1:25 AM, which means that yesterday was Day 30... i made it, and it is now day 31.

 

I am not planning to call her, I miss her, but i am tired of being held back in my life by myself and and by that relationship. The future is mine, all mine.

 

I guess my only plan now that I have hit day 30 is simply to stop counting... might still be posting in this thread for a while, but we will see if i can stop the counting and just let it go.

[Theblueman123]

Well its 1:25 AM, which means that yesterday was Day 30... i made it, and it is now day 31.

 

I am not planning to call her, I miss her, but i am tired of being held back in my life by myself and and by that relationship. The future is mine, all mine.

 

I guess my only plan now that I have hit day 30 is simply to stop counting... might still be posting in this thread for a while, but we will see if i can stop the counting and just let it go.

 

Good luck, and congratulations. The purpose of this is to live without your ex. From 30 to forever if necessary. Oh, and also this is a victory over your ex. She didn't conquer you, but you overcame her. You won, and now it's time for the next act in your life to begin

[Nappyloxs]

Well its 1:25 AM, which means that yesterday was Day 30... i made it, and it is now day 31.

 

I am not planning to call her, I miss her, but i am tired of being held back in my life by myself and and by that relationship. The future is mine, all mine.

 

I guess my only plan now that I have hit day 30 is simply to stop counting... might still be posting in this thread for a while, but we will see if i can stop the counting and just let it go.

 

congratulations

[Nappyloxs]

The reason for the breakup was two-fold. We got into an argument, lots of hurtful things were said by both of us. She said she was leaving, I told her to leave, I left the room, and she left the house. Bigger issue was I was selfish in the relationship and I did not appreciate the terrific woman that I was fortunate to have in my life. To be honest, we were together for 2+ years. At around the one year mark, I wrote an email to my ex from 10+ years ago (just a friend now) saying how I did not know if she was the one. I didn't at that time, because I had moved away and we spent 3 months apart. But she relocated to were I am a month before the email. So I lost a part of her when she read that email and never fully realized until now that I never even attempt to gain it back or that there was a piece missing.

 

As for your post, don't worry about break NC most of us have done it several times. The important part is that you feel better now and feel like you can move on. I have broken NC 3 or 4 times. It was the last time, that was planned where I felt okay breaking NC and did not regret it after words. There was a purpose to break NC this time and that purpose was that it was for you this time. That makes a huge difference in moving forward.

 

Just finished Day 4!!!