abouttime Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 I don't think you need to soften the blow. If she gets mad, tell her lets be adult about this. Just tell her the trust is gone. If she still keeps the charade that she wants to roomy it for a while. Then you tell her, let me give you an example. I don't trust you because of your lying and cheating on me. Come on, we're done. Stick a fork in it. This is direct. You believe you have to walk on eggshells around her. That "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorn". My friend she is not the woman scorn. She is the cheating skank. I believe you need to hit he right between the eye with her DP. You will ease the blow of divorce. In fact you can feign even more hurt. Tell her until you found the Depro Prevara you were considering trying to work on your marriage. But you got so pissed when you found that she obviously planned on screwing the OM regularly it pretty much ruined any thought of it. IN OTHER WORDS BLAME HER FOR BLOWING THE TRY FOR RECONCILIATION, BECAUSE SHE PLANNED TO KEEP ON CHEATING. SHE WILL BE HIT SO OFF GUARD, THAT SHE WON'T MAKE A PEEP. Link to comment
leftyAOK Posted March 24, 2009 Author Share Posted March 24, 2009 Well, I am getting extremely strong vibes that she is filing for divorce... now it is a race. If I contact my attorney this morning, how long will it take for my wife to be served papers? Link to comment
avman Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 It depends on how quick your attorney can prepare the papers and then how long it takes the process server to get around to serving them. It can take a few days. Link to comment
leftyAOK Posted March 24, 2009 Author Share Posted March 24, 2009 I feel like I've been sleepwalking and this might've cost me whatever advantage I might've had by filing first. Who knows how far ahead she is? Dammit... I should've just filed when my gut told me too. Why did I listen to my heart instead of the advice of people who have lived through this, my friends, and my family? You guys were right... at least this morning I submitted the personal data sheet and financial affidavit to my attorney. Maybe I'm one step ahead of the game. Link to comment
NJRon Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 Well, good luck to you. If she comes back with questioning working on yoru relationship, just make it clear that you are willing to work on the relationship down the road, but the legal marriage is over. They are, in essence, two different things. One is a legal contractent, the other being a spiritual/personal agreement. When i was going through my divorce I had a tremendous amount of trouble reconciling the end of the union and the fact that i had made vows that i had fully intended to stick with. It took me a number of years to finally come to the realization that marriage vows require TWO people to honor them. When one person ceases to honor them, then the vow is broken. When that realization came, i was able to forgive myself and release myself from the guilt of having to "go back" on my word. As it was, I filed first, even though I was going through the guilt feelings. But I knew there was no salvaging the marriage and I figured that if we did resolve our issues, we could always get married again down the road... they are two separate things. For various reasons, I felt it was more important for me to file first than it seems to be in your case. Filing is just starting the proceedings, it really doesn't lay out any charges except for the reason for filing. Link to comment
leftyAOK Posted March 24, 2009 Author Share Posted March 24, 2009 I think we are similar personalities, NJRon. I have so much guilt right now, but this is clearly the right thing to do. Thank you all so much for your time, opinions, advice, and support. I will need it more and more over the next few weeks. Link to comment
abouttime Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 Lefty, You need to leave this guilt behind. Jesus, himself said that adultery is the only reason you can divorce. My friend, if the GOD of this universe incarnate said that you are completely within your rights to divorce her because of cheating, you need to not be worried in the least. Hey, Its not that if she came to you with contrition and sorrow over what she did, that you wouldn't have at least entertained the idea of reconciliation. Don't lose a moments sleep over this. Link to comment
Eire1 Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 Lefty, You need to leave this guilt behind. Jesus, himself said that adultery is the only reason you can divorce. My friend, if the GOD of this universe incarnate said that you are completely within your rights to divorce her because of cheating, you need to not be worried in the least. Hey, Its not that if she came to you with contrition and sorrow over what she did, that you wouldn't have at least entertained the idea of reconciliation. Don't lose a moments sleep over this. Logically, you are correct. But actually experiencing something like this can be an emotional roller coaster, so you have to sympathise with all Lefty's confused feelings, apprehensions, etc. It's very confusing when the most significant person in your life suddenly blind sides you and instantly turns into your biggest enemy. I think only time will help him to move from the emotional trainwreck he's in to see things more clearly and logically. I suspect I'd be handling this far worse than Lefty if it happened to me. Link to comment
abouttime Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 I agree Eire1, That's why I think these sites are so useful. They allow the perspective of someone that isn't in the middle of it. Trying to focus on important, no imperative issues while your emotions are being cast about like a ship at sea just makes dealing with the pain that much more difficult. Link to comment
Rabican Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 I dont believe there is any problem you can solve, or anything you can do on your end to repair, fix, or preserve your marriage until your wife ends this emotional affair. Its sort of like having getting shot with an arrow... antibiotics are gonna be great so you dont die of an infection. But in the meantime you have to get the arrow out and stop the bleeding. I would simply demand that the nonsense involving this guy stop 110% right now, anything less than that = divorce. Then you make the promise to her that YOU will also do everything in your power to fulfill her needs... but theres no point in wasting your time doing that while she continues to cheat on you... and yes an emotional affair is cheating. Link to comment
leftyAOK Posted March 25, 2009 Author Share Posted March 25, 2009 So... today's the day I sign the initital filing papers. In fact... my lawyer is supposed to be here at 8:15 a.m. EST, which is basically now. I am still waffling on this, but I cannot ignore the facts. This marriage must end, and our new relationship needs to be defined for the sake of our son and for our own sanities. Link to comment
orangesoda Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 good luck. you're making the right decision. Link to comment
leftyAOK Posted March 25, 2009 Author Share Posted March 25, 2009 OK... so strangely I feel like... a weight has been lifted? I am still exceptionally nervous and wary about the future. But knowing the process has begun has given me a moment's peace in this storm. Thank you all for the candid advice and unwavering support. If anyone feels bad about punching me in the face, don't. I needed it, and probably deserved it. Link to comment
NJRon Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 It's always tough to take advice when you don't *feel* it yourself. It takes a lot of strength to sit down and do what you *know* is right for you even when your heart is screaming otherwise. I commend you. I'm glad that you feel some weight being lifted. You have made your decision now and, as long as you stay committed to the well-being of yourself and your children, I am sure you will have the strength to see it through. Link to comment
Iceman26 Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 I've been following your thread and I think you did the right thing. In order for anything to be worked out here, she needed to drop the affair, come clean with you, and get some counseling to resolve issues. She didn't, and is doing the typical thing that a wayward spouse does in an affair, which is to blame the betrayed spouse for all the problems in the marriage. The divorce paperwork on your end was a necessity. She is preparing for divorce. I am curious and I may have missed this, but do you know the other guy? What do you know about him? Link to comment
abouttime Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Lefty, You did the right thing. I will still hope that she has a complete change of heart and tries to win you back. She may be in a deep fog. This could bring her out of it. As I said, you don't have to sign the divorce decree, but it is an incredibly strong message to her. The point is, the ball is her court. She can lawyer up and fight. Or she could wake up and say. OMG, I am losing my husband and family. But you have done what you needed to do. I'm proud of you. Link to comment
avman Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 I think you did the right thing too. You can't allow yourself to be used like a doormat. It's not good for your self esteem and mental health. She's made her choices so she'll have to live with that. You can now take control of your own life and make your own destiny. Link to comment
leftyAOK Posted March 25, 2009 Author Share Posted March 25, 2009 You know what I really fear in this situation? Her. I am afraid of my wife, and her potential reaction(s) to these pending events. She so wants to be in control that I feel like I am forcing a decision down to her, but how can she not be expecting this? I need to keep the facts in perspective: - she intentionally excluded me from social activities for months - she intentionally kept this relationship a secret from me and never, ever would have revealed it if I did not get paranoid and start snooping around the house or viewing online records of texts and phone calls - I asked her to stop seeing him, she refused and continues to lie about her whereabouts - she has refused to go to marriage counseling until I work on my "issues" - she has cut me off from discussing anything regarding this situation with my step-daughter, who I have known and (hopefully positively) influenced for the last nine years - she has cut me off from contact with her parents/my in-laws, who I have always had a close relationship with - she has cut me off from contact with her online (via Facebook, etc.) in order for her to hide her posts and online activities - she has twisted her words and mine to make it seem like I am the crazy one - she secretly cancelled her direct deposit into our joint checking account - she has secretly gone on Depo-Provera even though I am sterile Justified decision on my part? When you look at the facts, absolutely. Is it still an emotional decision? Wow, is it ever. Feel like it's the worst decision I have ever made. I regret it. My god what have I done? What am I doing to this beautiful, amazing woman and our family and our life? Then it hits me. She's gone, and has been for a while. I'm holding on to the memories of what we had, not have. I cannot turn back time. She is 36. I am 35. We have changed so much in nine years together. It is time for me to admit that we are who we are, and unless BOTH people are willing to commit to fixing whatever it is may be broken, no amount of therapy, counseling, or Zoloft is going to help this relationship. I have tried the impossible; I have tried to be Superman in this relationship and have enough energy to make this work for the both of us. I am "only" human. Do I feel awful for potentially stringing her along by saying I wanted to work on this and better myself and be married again and that I don't want a divorce? Yeah. But, truth be told I know now that I wasn't really being honest with myself and listening to my gut, which was screaming "GET OUT!". Do I think this is going to come back to haunt me? I think so. Maybe it won't, but I am not entirely convinced that she won't use that as fuel for her flamethrower. I'm rambling, so my apologies for this long post. It's cathartic to get it out of my head, and incredibly encouraging to know that there's a community of people that will offer up a virtual hand to help me pull myself up off the mat. Link to comment
abouttime Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 As I said, blame the depo provera. What is your STBXWs history. She has a child from another relationship. Marriage? Link to comment
leftyAOK Posted March 25, 2009 Author Share Posted March 25, 2009 As I said, blame the depo provera. What is your STBXWs history. She has a child from another relationship. Marriage? Yes, she was married previously, divorced in 1999. Daughter was born in 1997. Perhaps not so coincidentally, this new "fling" is, personality-wise, a near 100 percent clone to her ex-husband. To answer someone's question earlier, I do know The Other Man. Not well, but well enough. Link to comment
AmIafool Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Lefty, you've done the right thing. This woman is neither beautiful or amazing. She is amazingly deceitful, manipulative and cruel. You need to grow a spine and be willing to stand up to her. She has you intimidated - that needs to end. Don't give in to her BS any more. Why should you feel guilty for filing for divorce when you listed yourself the things she's done to you: - she intentionally excluded me from social activities for months - she intentionally kept this relationship a secret from me and never, ever would have revealed it if I did not get paranoid and start snooping around the house or viewing online records of texts and phone calls - I asked her to stop seeing him, she refused and continues to lie about her whereabouts - she has refused to go to marriage counseling until I work on my "issues" - she has cut me off from discussing anything regarding this situation with my step-daughter, who I have known and (hopefully positively) influenced for the last nine years - she has cut me off from contact with her parents/my in-laws, who I have always had a close relationship with - she has cut me off from contact with her online (via Facebook, etc.) in order for her to hide her posts and online activities - she has twisted her words and mine to make it seem like I am the crazy one - she secretly cancelled her direct deposit into our joint checking account - she has secretly gone on Depo-Provera even though I am sterile Whenever you emotions are wavering, take out this list and review it. These are the cold, hard facts. These are her actions. What do they say about her character? What do they say about what she is capable of doing? Link to comment
Baily Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 1st off - I just started reading through your posts today and I admire how you are willing to tell your story. Mine isn't too far off from yours. I now understand that marriage is a job. A job that must be worked on by both parties. If only one person is doing the work the marriage will fail. It's hard not to want to 'tell my story' but I wanted to post and say it sounds like you've done things the right way. If you learn from the mistakes in this past relationship you won't repeat them again. In regards to her cutting you off from her family - you have to know that makes perfect sense. It's her family....let it be that way. Same thing goes with her daughter. Yes she messed up...she has to live with it. She is on damage control. She is going to want to limit what news gets out about her. Her reputation is now at stake as well. No matter if she likes it or not....the truth will come out. Good luck in your journey and be mindful of the mistakes you made in the rear view mirror so you don't make the same mistakes. Link to comment
Iceman26 Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 To answer someone's question earlier, I do know The Other Man. Not well, but well enough. What's his story? Married, girlfriend, details man. Have you confronted the guy? Told his wife, etc. The reason I ask is because he's pretty much been excluded from this conversation and if you have any chance of saving your marriage he has to be gone. Link to comment
leftyAOK Posted March 25, 2009 Author Share Posted March 25, 2009 Why in the world would I want to escalate the amount of tension that exists between us? Why do I even owe him a moment's thought of my time? Divorced for a number of years. 11 year old son from previous marriage. That's all I really care to disclose. Link to comment
Iceman26 Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Why in the world would I want to escalate the amount of tension that exists between us? Why do I even owe him a moment's thought of my time? Divorced for a number of years. 11 year old son from previous marriage. That's all I really care to disclose. Simply because his presence is threatening your marriage and your family. No worries man, I just thought additional information might help. Link to comment
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