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Wife continues emotional affair after discovery


leftyAOK
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I discovered my wife's emotional affair last Wednesday, March 11, 2009 by piecing together cellphone records, text message bills, and emails. We have been married four years (married August 2004) and on February 28, 2009, she wrote me a letter saying, among other things, she is being "emotionally fulfilled" by her friends, such as this man she has known for 15 years.

 

Obviously I am obsessing over this breach of trust, and I am doing my best to back off and focus on the marriage and what I need to do to fix the problems I am responsible for in our marriage. I am seeking counseling for my own issues, and we started seeing a marriage counselor today.

 

Yet, I know she continues to see him and talk to him.

 

How can I deal with this situation while simultaneously trying to repair (or potentially even save) our marriage? We have two children, one daughter (hers, 11) and a son (ours, 2 1/2). We have so much history (been dating since January 2000). Is there a chance she is willing to make this a bona fide affair and get physical?

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The standard advice while going through counseling is that the person having the affair stop it while counseling is going on, otherwise it works against the counseling. Is she going to see the marriage counselor to help the marriage or to just appease you? Did you bring it up with the therapist?

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The standard advice while going through counseling is that the person having the affair stop it while counseling is going on, otherwise it works against the counseling. Is she going to see the marriage counselor to help the marriage or to just appease you? Did you bring it up with the therapist?

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I should have brought it up, but I did not. She said she wants this to work, but is unsure what the outcome will be. She has told me she wants the issues we discuss in counseling to be our marriage problems, not anything outside of it. She did acknowledge that she had a "relationship" with someone else in the session today, but the therapist and myself made no comment about it. She has told me that since I discovered it, that she feels like I'm obsessing over her relationship with him and should stop that and focus on the marriage.

 

Yet, she continues to see him and communicate with him.

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I should have brought it up, but I did not. She said she wants this to work, but is unsure what the outcome will be. She has told me she wants the issues we discuss in counseling to be our marriage problems, not anything outside of it. She did acknowledge that she had a "relationship" with someone else in the session today, but the therapist and myself made no comment about it. She has told me that since I discovered it, that she feels like I'm obsessing over her relationship with him and should stop that and focus on the marriage.

 

Yet, she continues to see him and communicate with him.

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Unfortunately after badgering her about it and us all weekend, and wanting to talk about it and us all the time, and making some rash decisions (I found out she cancelled her direct deposit, a huge red flag for divorce, so I moved money into a new account which she discovered and got absolutely livid about, more because I did not tell her I was doing it (?)), I don't think I am in a position to discuss it with her. It would be like poking the lion in the eye.

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Unfortunately after badgering her about it and us all weekend, and wanting to talk about it and us all the time, and making some rash decisions (I found out she cancelled her direct deposit, a huge red flag for divorce, so I moved money into a new account which she discovered and got absolutely livid about, more because I did not tell her I was doing it (?)), I don't think I am in a position to discuss it with her. It would be like poking the lion in the eye.

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If she is still having this 'emotional affair' then she is cheating. She either commits to you and to repairing the marriage or she doesn't - at the moment she hasn't.

 

I am surprised the counsellor didn't say that.

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If she is still having this 'emotional affair' then she is cheating. She either commits to you and to repairing the marriage or she doesn't - at the moment she hasn't.

 

I am surprised the counsellor didn't say that.

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She has told me that since I discovered it, that she feels like I'm obsessing over her relationship with him and should stop that and focus on the marriage.

 

I'd be tempted to kick her to the curb for that remark alone. Instead of acknowledging that what she has been doing is unhelpful to the marriage, as well as a betrayal of your trust, and fixing the situation by stopping seeing him, she's trying to blame you for the fact that you object to her cheating, and basically telling you it's none of your business, and would you please get on with the business of repairing all the damage that she is doing!

 

The marriage counselling, and indeed the marriage unfortunately, have absolutely no chance of working while she retains that attitude. If it were me, I'd be distancing myself from her entirely until she could give up the other person, and explain, in the counselling session if necessary, why you are being forced to do so.

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She has told me that since I discovered it, that she feels like I'm obsessing over her relationship with him and should stop that and focus on the marriage.

 

I'd be tempted to kick her to the curb for that remark alone. Instead of acknowledging that what she has been doing is unhelpful to the marriage, as well as a betrayal of your trust, and fixing the situation by stopping seeing him, she's trying to blame you for the fact that you object to her cheating, and basically telling you it's none of your business, and would you please get on with the business of repairing all the damage that she is doing!

 

The marriage counselling, and indeed the marriage unfortunately, have absolutely no chance of working while she retains that attitude. If it were me, I'd be distancing myself from her entirely until she could give up the other person, and explain, in the counselling session if necessary, why you are being forced to do so.

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I suspect she's made up her mind and from the sounds of the direct deposit switch, she's quietly getting her finances and everything in place to file for a divorce. She's probaby getting coached by her new boyfriend.

 

And frankly, it wouldn't surprise me if she's having both an emotional and physical affair. I've found the few will make such an admission. It's always easier to just lie, and unfortunately most people in this day and age just take the easy route and lie.

 

I wish you the very best.

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I suspect she's made up her mind and from the sounds of the direct deposit switch, she's quietly getting her finances and everything in place to file for a divorce. She's probaby getting coached by her new boyfriend.

 

And frankly, it wouldn't surprise me if she's having both an emotional and physical affair. I've found the few will make such an admission. It's always easier to just lie, and unfortunately most people in this day and age just take the easy route and lie.

 

I wish you the very best.

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It doesn't help that yesterday I told her I was filing for divorce in addition to her finding out about the money transfers done without her knowledge. I told her she was giving me no option, and that I needed my rights known and protected because of her actions of late, especially in regards to the money and the house.

 

Since then, I have stopped the filing, which now I think may come back to haunt me.

 

My actions yesterday are probably really going to come back and haunt me.

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It doesn't help that yesterday I told her I was filing for divorce in addition to her finding out about the money transfers done without her knowledge. I told her she was giving me no option, and that I needed my rights known and protected because of her actions of late, especially in regards to the money and the house.

 

Since then, I have stopped the filing, which now I think may come back to haunt me.

 

My actions yesterday are probably really going to come back and haunt me.

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It doesn't help that yesterday I told her I was filing for divorce in addition to her finding out about the money transfers done without her knowledge. I told her she was giving me no option, and that I needed my rights known and protected because of her actions of late, especially in regards to the money and the house.

 

Since then, I have stopped the filing, which now I think may come back to haunt me.

 

My actions yesterday are probably really going to come back and haunt me.

How did she respond when you told her that? Did she try to talk you out of it, or act upset or panicked?

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It doesn't help that yesterday I told her I was filing for divorce in addition to her finding out about the money transfers done without her knowledge. I told her she was giving me no option, and that I needed my rights known and protected because of her actions of late, especially in regards to the money and the house.

 

Since then, I have stopped the filing, which now I think may come back to haunt me.

 

My actions yesterday are probably really going to come back and haunt me.

How did she respond when you told her that? Did she try to talk you out of it, or act upset or panicked?

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