Wife continues emotional affair after discovery

[avman]

I definitely think she's making the moves for a divorce. The financial moves alone are a huge flag and you were right to set up some non joint accounts for yourself. It's time to start protecting yourself and your children.

 

You could try counseling but honestly if she refuses I'd tell you to just go ahead and file for divorce.

[avman]

I definitely think she's making the moves for a divorce. The financial moves alone are a huge flag and you were right to set up some non joint accounts for yourself. It's time to start protecting yourself and your children.

 

You could try counseling but honestly if she refuses I'd tell you to just go ahead and file for divorce.

[leftyAOK]

How did she respond when you told her that? Did she try to talk you out of it, or act upset or panicked?

 

First she was livid. Then sane. Then volcanic. Then irate.

 

I told her why I filed - that I felt like there was no hope for this relationship, that the moves she had made recently were indications of her moving on, and, frankly, you cheated on me.

 

If that is not the case, if in fact your relationship with him as not as bad as I have been imagining in my third eye, then I will not file for divorce because I want this relationship to work.

 

We went to counseling today, with the result from the therapist being that no one really is in a position to make any kind of decision about this relationship, I need some separate counseling for myself, and we will reconvene in a few weeks.

[leftyAOK]

How did she respond when you told her that? Did she try to talk you out of it, or act upset or panicked?

 

First she was livid. Then sane. Then volcanic. Then irate.

 

I told her why I filed - that I felt like there was no hope for this relationship, that the moves she had made recently were indications of her moving on, and, frankly, you cheated on me.

 

If that is not the case, if in fact your relationship with him as not as bad as I have been imagining in my third eye, then I will not file for divorce because I want this relationship to work.

 

We went to counseling today, with the result from the therapist being that no one really is in a position to make any kind of decision about this relationship, I need some separate counseling for myself, and we will reconvene in a few weeks.

[Cloud85]

I had a very similiar situation on my hands, so this may help. My wife was having an emotional affair with her best friend of 13 years. A little background: This best friend was a groomsmen in our wedding and we frequently hung around him. A year ago my wife started to become more and more distant and one day she came to me and told me all the things that were making her unhappy. We seperated and in the time of our first separation, she slept with her best friend. To make a long story short, unless you want to read my full story ( ) , she refused to cut contact with him. Our marital counselor said she needed to cut all contact if the relationship were to work.

 

We are now getting a divorce. She has a strong tie with this a-hole and she will never stop being his best friend , which is the reason why I chosen divorce. These events are more likely to occur in the future if the emotional tie is not severed. Not to mention the trust lost.

 

If your wife cannot and is not willing to put her all into making the relationship work, and never speak to this person again, then get out of it. Obviously it hurts you and you are losing trust in her. If her agenda is to keep being friends with this guy, then my opinion and from my experience, she is is being very selfish and unfair to her husband and marriage. I hope this helps you and I recommend that you read my story if you have a chance.

[Cloud85]

I had a very similiar situation on my hands, so this may help. My wife was having an emotional affair with her best friend of 13 years. A little background: This best friend was a groomsmen in our wedding and we frequently hung around him. A year ago my wife started to become more and more distant and one day she came to me and told me all the things that were making her unhappy. We seperated and in the time of our first separation, she slept with her best friend. To make a long story short, unless you want to read my full story ( ) , she refused to cut contact with him. Our marital counselor said she needed to cut all contact if the relationship were to work.

 

We are now getting a divorce. She has a strong tie with this a-hole and she will never stop being his best friend , which is the reason why I chosen divorce. These events are more likely to occur in the future if the emotional tie is not severed. Not to mention the trust lost.

 

If your wife cannot and is not willing to put her all into making the relationship work, and never speak to this person again, then get out of it. Obviously it hurts you and you are losing trust in her. If her agenda is to keep being friends with this guy, then my opinion and from my experience, she is is being very selfish and unfair to her husband and marriage. I hope this helps you and I recommend that you read my story if you have a chance.

[Trip McNealy]

ANy reason the other guy couldnt just walk away from your wife? What was in it for him being with a married woman?

[Trip McNealy]

ANy reason the other guy couldnt just walk away from your wife? What was in it for him being with a married woman?

[Eire1]

First she was livid. Then sane. Then volcanic. Then irate.

 

I told her why I filed - that I felt like there was no hope for this relationship, that the moves she had made recently were indications of her moving on, and, frankly, you cheated on me.

 

If that is not the case, if in fact your relationship with him as not as bad as I have been imagining in my third eye, then I will not file for divorce because I want this relationship to work.

 

We went to counseling today, with the result from the therapist being that no one really is in a position to make any kind of decision about this relationship, I need some separate counseling for myself, and we will reconvene in a few weeks.

You might want to meet with an attorney and just let him instruct you on precautions and things to consider, look out for, etc.

 

Clearly, she was going to use this period to move things around and get the upper hand, so I'd be on the defensive there.

 

As far as working this out, your wife owes it to you to cut him off for the time being and talk to you honestly and candidly. If she's unprepared to do that then that's just more reason to believe she's stalling you to plot things out in her favor.

 

Either she wants to save your marriage, or she wants to be with this guy, but she can't pretend to work on your marriage while continuing with him. I think you need another marriage counselor. This one seems too timid to lay down ground rules and flush out the reality in this situation.

[Eire1]

First she was livid. Then sane. Then volcanic. Then irate.

 

I told her why I filed - that I felt like there was no hope for this relationship, that the moves she had made recently were indications of her moving on, and, frankly, you cheated on me.

 

If that is not the case, if in fact your relationship with him as not as bad as I have been imagining in my third eye, then I will not file for divorce because I want this relationship to work.

 

We went to counseling today, with the result from the therapist being that no one really is in a position to make any kind of decision about this relationship, I need some separate counseling for myself, and we will reconvene in a few weeks.

You might want to meet with an attorney and just let him instruct you on precautions and things to consider, look out for, etc.

 

Clearly, she was going to use this period to move things around and get the upper hand, so I'd be on the defensive there.

 

As far as working this out, your wife owes it to you to cut him off for the time being and talk to you honestly and candidly. If she's unprepared to do that then that's just more reason to believe she's stalling you to plot things out in her favor.

 

Either she wants to save your marriage, or she wants to be with this guy, but she can't pretend to work on your marriage while continuing with him. I think you need another marriage counselor. This one seems too timid to lay down ground rules and flush out the reality in this situation.

[NJRon]

You should not have stopped the filing. If I were you, I would proceed full bore here. I hope you have a lawyer too, that will be very important. Divorces take a bit of time, so there's no reason why you can't keep going to counseling until then and see if she actually commits herself. By her actions and statements, it really doesn't seem like this is moving toward reconciliation at all and I would agree that it will probably be strengthening the bond with the other person because she will be looking for an outlet to vent about her marriage.

[NJRon]

You should not have stopped the filing. If I were you, I would proceed full bore here. I hope you have a lawyer too, that will be very important. Divorces take a bit of time, so there's no reason why you can't keep going to counseling until then and see if she actually commits herself. By her actions and statements, it really doesn't seem like this is moving toward reconciliation at all and I would agree that it will probably be strengthening the bond with the other person because she will be looking for an outlet to vent about her marriage.

[DN]

You said she reacted badly - but what did she actually say?

[DN]

You said she reacted badly - but what did she actually say?

[Cloud85]

ANy reason the other guy couldnt just walk away from your wife? What was in it for him being with a married woman?

 

IMO, I feel that this other guy, who I knew and trusted, was in love with her long before I came around. I view him as a very selfish person as well. I actually asked him to stay away from her, but she still called and talked to him frequently and he continued to allow the door to swing freely as did she. After having another conversation with him about what happened, he got a little defensive and told me that she was his girl to begin with. My buddy that was sitting with us had to restrain me from beating tar out of him and he quickly apologized for the comment

[Cloud85]

ANy reason the other guy couldnt just walk away from your wife? What was in it for him being with a married woman?

 

IMO, I feel that this other guy, who I knew and trusted, was in love with her long before I came around. I view him as a very selfish person as well. I actually asked him to stay away from her, but she still called and talked to him frequently and he continued to allow the door to swing freely as did she. After having another conversation with him about what happened, he got a little defensive and told me that she was his girl to begin with. My buddy that was sitting with us had to restrain me from beating tar out of him and he quickly apologized for the comment

[Yanet]

Divorce her on grounds of infidelity. Leave the kids with her. Make sure she doesn't get any of your income or house and then see if the other guy financially fulfills her too. You said "among other things" in the first post, is she sleeping with him too? If so, getting a divorce should be much easier and less costly for you.

 

How did she think you'd react to it all? The way she is having this affair while sharing your bed and money show she has no respect for you and is taking you for granted.

[NJRon]

Whatever you do, don't leave the home. It puts you in a very bad position in the divorce. If anything, she should leave the home.

 

Speak with a lawyer before making any decisions on what to do and what not to do.

[DN]

Whatever you do, don't leave the home. It puts you in a very bad position in the divorce. If anything, she should leave the home.

 

Speak with a lawyer before making any decisions on what to do and what not to do.

Agreed, In particular, don't leave the children, they should be your primary concern now. In your place I would file for at least joint custody.

[melrich]

Whatever you do, don't leave the home. It puts you in a very bad position in the divorce.

 

You guys know the situation over there but am surprised at this. It would make no difference here....why does leaving the home make a difference to the eventual settlement?

[NJRon]

You guys know the situation over there but am surprised at this. It would make no difference here....why does leaving the home make a difference to the eventual settlement?

 

My understanding of this is that it can be interpreted as abandonment, which is especially damaging when children are involved. Not so much when it is just the spouses.

[Stereohead]

It will be considered abandonment. Even if he gets “kicked out” if he actually leaves the house he gives up all right to his possessions and share. My older sister divorced her husband (he was into child porn, and cheating on her…) and she kicked him out of the apartment when the evidence (spy program had copies of conversations he had, etc) become ample enough to really take it to court.

 

She had all right to take every last piece of furniture out of that apartment and bring it down here to my parents’ house-or be put into storage.

 

It’s important to realize, the law can not help you with getting your possessions back after you leave the property.

 

But anyways, I wouldn’t remain in this marriage. She should have never married you while still attached to this man, and she’s being selfish and blaming you for her own faults. How are you going to focus on the marriage when you can’t focus on your wife? Your wife is the marriage. Her infidelity is the problem.

 

I’m sorry you’re having to go through this, but I hope you do follow the great advice some posters here gave you.

[abouttime]

You need to move forward with the filing so you can protect yourself from having her incur debt that you would both be responsible. Moving your money and opening a new account is exactly what you should have done. It has gone physical. She wouldn't be jumping like this is it hadn't. Refile tomorrow. You don't have to sign, but you need protection. You also need to tape your conversations with a VAR. This is so if she makes any threats against you like calling the cops. You can record it.

[avman]

You guys know the situation over there but am surprised at this. It would make no difference here....why does leaving the home make a difference to the eventual settlement?

 

In many states there is kind of the feeling that possession is 9/10 of the law. So while "technically" its not written in stone that leaving the house means you lose it in the settlement many judges are reluctant to force people to make changes. So if the husband goes and finds a place to live and then tries to get the judge to give him the house the wife is going to argue that she'll be homeless. The judge looks at it and says well the guy has a place to live now and the girl has a place to live now so lets not change it.

 

It is essentially similar in the case of custody. Since there are many studies that show it's harmful to kids to disrupt their situation judges are very reluctant to make alterations without very good reasons. So if they are currently with mom and it's working ok - even if dad might be a better choice for custody the judges are unlikely to order it.

[leftyAOK]

Thank you all so much. I have gained a lot of perspective by listening to the advice and stories in this thread. Here's an update, and yes, it is 0600 EST, not getting much sleep lately.

 

She and I talked last night, and here is what I learned:

 

I have been emotionally replaced by him/friends in this marriage.

I have not been physically replaced (on this I have my doubts).

She said she would have left 6 months ago but felt I was not emotionally capable of handling the situation.

She regretted writing me the letter because in a way it gave me some false hope and things to try to work on.

If I become the person I used to be through therapy and initiative, she said it would a likely progression that we would form an emotional attachment again.

But, she said, that is the absolute best case scenario out of a million possible scenarios.

She said she will not blindside me with divorce papers.

She said she was going to talk to me about separating finances, I only forced the issue.

She said she would prefer to get some space from this emotional situation and have one of us go on a "vacation". She said she would suggest doing it herself, but feels I'm not emotionally equipped to handle the kids and other responsibilities.

She is also willing to continue this "roommate" arrangement that we have unless I cannot stop badgering her with questions or wanting to have long discussions.

 

It is so clear to me that this is not going to work, but I feel that there may be a chance. Am I deluding myself? Should I just get on with my life and begin planning for how to protect myself and my son?