Wife continues emotional affair after discovery

[DN]

But you aren't taking the high road - or the low road. You are taking a detour around the main issue here which is her cheating. And the problem with this detour is that it is taking you down the wrong road.

 

Neither of you are dealing with the truth - she is not telling you the truth and you are not telling her that you know she isn't.

 

Even if you were to reconcile the 'new' relationship would be based on lies and half-truths and it would never work on that basis.

[Iceman26]

But you aren't taking the high road - or the low road. You are taking a detour around the main issue here which is her cheating. And the problem with this detour is that it is taking you down the wrong road.

 

Neither of you are dealing with the truth - she is not telling you the truth and you are not telling her that you know she isn't.

 

Even if you were to reconcile the 'new' relationship would be based on lies and half-truths and it would never work on that basis.

 

My thinking exactly.

[leftyAOK]

But you aren't taking the high road - or the low road. You are taking a detour around the main issue here which is her cheating. And the problem with this detour is that it is taking you down the wrong road.

 

Neither of you are dealing with the truth - she is not telling you the truth and you are not telling her that you know she isn't.

 

Even if you were to reconcile the 'new' relationship would be based on lies and half-truths and it would never work on that basis.

 

I understand that. I just have this incredible urge to get angry, tell her I know about the birth control, tell her I know she's leaving her step-daughter in charge of our son while my soon-to-be-ex-wife goes out to meet him, tell her I know she is texting him "sleep tight" and he texts her "thinking of U".

 

But honestly, that would probably come back to be a poor, poor choice on my part. If there was an advantage to be gained by disclosing what I know then I would, but in New Hampshire there is no reason to do so.

 

I would like to find a place to segue in to that conversation, just to get one or more final stabs at her. But... I've got to pick my spots and take a higher road for now.

[abouttime]

I believe the opportunity will arise. I don't think of it the way the others do. I don't think about it as revenge or negative. It's not. It's a reckoning. an uncovering of what her nature is. It is an understanding of who she really is. I would suggest that your write a letter then read it to her. In it ask questions. Then give the answer. Such as

 

"what kind of mother leaves a preteen in charge of a younger child, so she can go have sex with another man? I'll tell you what kind of woman does that..... a crack * * * * * . How is your level of abuse worse then her's? Your addiction is to screw the other guy and if your children are left alone to do that, and something happens to them, well they should have been asleep anyways."

 

Then ask her this.

 

In the future when you feel you must abandon them to go have sex or go out and drink with your friends. Please call me and I will come over so that our son and daughter don't wake up (or in the case of your daughter can't go to sleep) in the middle of the night wondering where their mother is. In this case, because I am boring, it allows me to be available to parent them. Unlike you, I do not believe that they are a burden that should be handed off when I feel the need for an orgasm or a drink.

 

As I said, this is not revenge. It is a direct approach to effect a change in someones behavior. It is to reckon the true character of someone who is under the misapprehension that they are a good mother and a decent person. It is radical truth. Something that has been sorely lacking on her side in this marriage. Lefty, If I can offer any ideas or word pictures that would assist you in getting your point accross. I would be happy to help.

[Nutz]

- she has cut me off from discussing anything regarding this situation with my step-daughter, who I have known and (hopefully positively) influenced for the last nine years

 

Please tell me you didn't adopt the step daughter.

[Nutz]

This is PERFECT... let her go on her vacation from the situation...Leave you and the kids in the house....Two can play at her games...Continue with the divorce proceedings and get her for adultry and abondonment..She wants to separate things and have an affair...Put yourself in the best possible position.. By making her leave and leaving everything including the children with you...Tell her she never worried about you while having this affair, she should not start now...

 

LOL, I thought the same thing. While she's gone change the locks.

[Nutz]

You may want to consider consulting another attorney.

 

That thought has crossed my mind. He/she is ignoring some pretty blatant cliches of family law. The problem is they're cliches for a reason.

[leftyAOK]

Please tell me you didn't adopt the step daughter.

 

Nope, thought about it in the last few years because she's a great kid and her dad is growing more absent.

[Nutz]

Nope, thought about it in the last few years because she's a great kid and her dad is growing more absent.

 

Good. You just saved yourself about a hundred thousand dollars. And since we're on the subject I'd get a paternity test on the boy. It sucks, but you need to CYA. If she cheated with this other guy there's no reason to think she wasn't capable of having sex with other guys in the past.

 

Remember, judge her by her actions. Words mean nothing.

[leftyAOK]

Papers have been signed by her, she is representing herself. Our first court date is May 5, which might work out quite well since I may need a few margaritas later that night at Cinco de Mayo.

 

Every day is a little more closure, though there are still times, mornings usually, where I'm left alone with my thoughts I and I wonder if this is all just a bad dream.

 

I love the person she was years ago. The person she is now is gone and in the arms and/or thoughts of another man.

 

The things that really get me are the complete lack of an apology, remorse, or willingness to drop the aspects of the relationship she so enjoys with him and focus them back on me. I gave her the opportunities to do so, and she did not answer in kind.

 

There was love here once, but now there is only empty space I'm filling with my own "home movies".

 

As our court proceedings begin, I will continue to need all the emotional strength and advice I've been drawing from this virtual support system in addition to my friend and family.

 

Again, thank you all so much, like I said - each day brings a little more closure, a little more of myself comes back to life.

[Nutz]

What about a link removed for your kid? I was serious about that. You can get them done for under $100 these days.

[Baily]

You are in the EXACT SAME WORLD I was in just a few months ago.

 

Wife was cheating...I found out...she said never again and wanted to stay in the marriage....few weeks later found out that it was going on again...

 

dude...same boat...been there done that.

 

the best piece of advice I got I'll pass on to you.

 

BOTH people MUST be willing to give 100% for a relationship to work. If she won't or you won't it CAN NOT and WILL NOT work.

 

While divorce may suck...living in a loveless marriage for the kids won't work.

 

I saw my son losing it mentally during all our problems.

 

LOOK AND SEE the damage that this is doing to your kids. Staying together is the best option IF BOTH OF YOU are going to give 100% to the relationship...if not divorce for your sake and the kids.

 

The kids will hate it for awhile - with any transition they will - but they will adapt quick.

 

 

I JUST SAW THAT U ARE GETTING A DIVORCE -

 

STAY AWAY FROM ALL BEER AND DRINKS!!!! They are not going to help you only hurt you. Go back to doing hobbies and things you like in your off time...again DO NOT DRINK.

 

If you get a DUI - you only give her more ammo during the divorce and she'll use anything and everything against you. You are more likely to drunk dial and do stuff that is going to make your friends or her think you are losing you are going crazy....drinking is NOT going to help ANYTHING.

 

I cut off all drinking for 2 months until everything was situated. It was the best thing I did for myself.

[leftyAOK]

I am Baily... trying to stay away as much as possible. Dropping it cold turkey is just not going to happen, but I promise to all of you that I'm not going to drunk dial or DUI.

 

I know how important this is for my family, and obviously for me too.

[leftyAOK]

So here's my current drama:

 

This week we agreed that while she would be going out Wednesday and Friday night into Saturday morning that I would take care of the kids, and stay at our house. Last night I took my step-daughter out for a few hours after work. She and I got back to to the house around 8:30, and I stayed an additional 45 minutes in the basement downloading some new music to my iPod. My wife was very put out by this, said it was "weird" for me to be there since this was not one of the nights we agreed to have me in the house. I told her I had every right to be in the house, and I was only downloading music and not planning to stay, although I could if I wanted to, since it's within my rights to do so. She threatened me with a court order barring me from the house since, as she said, I was creating an unhealthy situation for the kids.

 

She is also under the impression that I am fully "moved out" even though she and I agreed that I would be temporarily staying at my sister's place until the situation either calmed down between us or I found my own place. Nearly 100 percent of my possessions are still at the house and I have not made any efforts to find an apartment until after we pay our taxes (we owed $1,400.00 this year so we are each paying 50 percent of the total due) on April 15.

 

Here's the reply from my lawyer when I asked her what are my legal rights and options in this situation regarding me staying at the house at pre-determined dates, or at all?:

 

------

You have no formal agreements (legal) as to who will reside in the marital home, temporarilly or permanantly. She does not have a restraining order, and likely would not be able to get one, considering there is no evidence of a credible threat to her safety (or the kids) per the statute. So, you have a right to be there, that being said, I would try to stay out of each others ways, as much as possible, suggest she discontinue threatening you, particularly while she has no legal representation, and does not know what the law is. I received notice that there is a first appearance scheduled for this matter on May 5 at 9AM. As stated in the notice, it is not necessary to have a lawyer present, I do not need to be there, but certainly will if you request it. I suggest that at that hearing you schedule a mediation ASAP, I will represent you at that, and these matters re: home, visitation etc. can be resolved at that time and entered into court as temporary orders. Keep me posted

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[Baily]

I am Baily... trying to stay away as much as possible. Dropping it cold turkey is just not going to happen, but I promise to all of you that I'm not going to drunk dial or DUI.

 

I know how important this is for my family, and obviously for me too.

 

Coach - I'm not saying drop it cold turkey...just take a break.

 

I'm no AA member nor am I saying 'BEWARE' nor 'drinking is bad'....it's just in times like these a focused mind will act and react better than even if you've had one drink.

 

Having been through this...and still going through it (it'll never end)....you never know when problems or things in connection need to be worked on. Only you know you best...and what is best for you right now only you can decide.

 

There have been times where I thought everything was clear sailing and I did go out and have a pint only to find out I'd get a call from her or have to take care of something....the problem was I was more emotional (I wasn't mean, rude, jumpy or crazy) but I didn't react in a way that was conducive for our relationship.

 

Even amongst all the garbage that is going on clarity is going to be your friend.

 

Three things I found that helped during this time

 

1- Disc Golf - getting out in nature and just throwing the frisbee around. You can find a course near you at link removed...frisbees are cheap buy a driver and a putter. 2 frisbees will cost you $14 and 99% of disc golf courses are FREE...a few cost $2....big deal.

 

2- Limiting all my 'emotional' talk to ONE friend that I truly trusted. He was there in good times and in bad...he supported me 100%. I owe him to this day...reminds me that I need to call him. Note that EVERYONE I knew was calling me and asking me about it...I had to relive it over and over again. What I found was that I took on their attitudes. If someone said, 'she's wrong I would be mad...etc etc.' I would get off the phone and be mad. If they said 'You should do this....and I would do that..' Whether I liked it or not I took on their emotions just because how tough of a time it was. Learn to talk about it with ONE PERSON and ONE PERSON ONLY. Everyone else I said I don't want to talk about it any more. The rest, while having my back, honored my statements that I truly didn't want to talk about it....some called me every day...I think it was part of their drama too and they somehow enjoyed talking about it as if we now had something wonderful we could converse about...it took time telling these people 'no, I don't want to talk about it' before they finally got it...but I had to stick to my guns that only ONE PERSON whom I trusted would be involved. I'd be willing to bet you are getting the same calls.

 

3- Gym - working out assisted in many ways. Getting out energy, feeling better about myself physically, taking a break from everything else that was going on.

[NJRon]

Lefty... this is where it gets rough and you get a chance to see the person tat has been acting non-chalant and easy start to become a real pain. Do yourself a favor and just try to stay out of each other's hair as your lawyer suggests. The idea is to keep her in a good mood (feeling like she is winning) when you go to divorce court... mediation is the best.

[Anna.]

Lefty, I've been following your situation since the beginning of this thread. I just want you to know that I think you are a genuinely good man for keeping as cool of a head as you have and handling the situation the way you have through out all of this. I think you are a great example of a man of good character, dignity, and self-respect.

 

Good luck

[leftyAOK]

Thank you all so much for your kindness, support, and candidness throughout the last few weeks. It has been appreciated more than you all will ever know, and if I am to meet any of you in real life, I owe you many, many rounds of the top shelf liquor of your choice.

 

I thought I might share this "little" sign from the Universe today. Believe it or not, I am still laughing about it. And I take it as a good sign of my recovery. Or the rum and coke I'm drinking. Either/or.

 

[Author's note: the following has a little bit of sarcasm weaved into it, so bear with me]

 

A few weeks ago, my STBXW had herself an enjoyable Saturday afternoon helping a friend from work car shop. She came home and was said she was excited about helping her friend from work get a great deal on a dark grey 2007 Ford Mustang. Cool, I said. My wife is a shrewd negotiator, it probably came in handy.

 

Fast forward to approximately 5:20 p.m. today April 10, 2009. I am driving on the highway from where I work to pick up my son at daycare. I am losing my mind. I have to stay at the house tonight because my wife is going out all night; the house lately has been like a black hole for my emotions, dragging me down and putting me through the meat grinder because of all the memories.

 

I'm on the phone with my mom absolutely losing my mind, crying like a baby, when I see, in my rearview mirror, a grey Mustang zooming up behind me. I move over, and mutter under my breath about how the driver is weaving through rush hour traffic.

 

Then I notice the temporary plate with its vanity registration. Said phonetically, it's my wife's name plus the word "toy".

 

Interesting.

 

I follow the car off the highway and keep my distance. It pulls into the parking lot at a restaurant. Two people get out. The OM and his son.

 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

 

I waited until they went into the restaurant, then snapped two pictures of the license plate with my cell phone camera for... I don't know what, really. But I've got it on film in case I need it.

 

The question is: if she helped him finance it, or co-signed on the loan for the car, does that mean I get to use it part time? I'm not big on the new Mustang, but hey... I could cruise for chicks in it!

[servedcold]

The question is: if she helped him finance it, or co-signed on the loan for the car, does that mean I get to use it part time? I'm not big on the new Mustang, but hey... I could cruise for chicks in it!

 

If she just cosigned, no, you have no rights whatsoever with respect to the car. However, if she wrote a check from a joint bank account to make a loan, you do have rights as a creditor in the car.

 

Em, vanity plates? with your wife's name? classssssy, hehe. Does this guy have a mullet by chance?

[leftyAOK]

First appearance in court was this morning, and I'm an emotional wreck. She, of course, is playing it cool. We have a mediation session scheduled for May 18 to finalize the parenting plan and a few other financial matters.

 

Why do I feel like I'm being dragged along by the process?

Why can't I let go of her?

Why can't I admit to myself that the marriage would never have worked, and furthermore, why would I want to voluntarily stay in a situation that would only continue to hurt me?

Why can't I just admit that a year from now I'll be a stronger person?

 

I understand that spending nine years with someone is not something you can just turn off. I just wish it was easier to manage emotionally.

[MWC]

Wow lefty, I just pretty much read through every page of this post. First, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I can only imagine how difficult it is for you and I am sure it is not even half of the reality of it. I also have to say that I am extremely impressed with the manner in which you are able to carry yourself. I know for a fact that I would not be able to be anywhere near as civil as you have been throughout this process. I can't really offer any advice or answers to your questions, I just want to give you my support. I hope you have some good friends that are helping you through all of this. If I was closer I would love to buy you a drink and be there for you to unload on.

 

Anyway, hang in there. I know things probably seem the darkest right now and that it will never get better. Just focus on your kid and try to look towards the future rather than dwelling on the past. Things will get better for you and you will find happiness again.

[shenn]

Yes, this will probably get physical at some point. Your gut is telling you that. She needs to knock it off or your marriage won't work.

[loulee]

How many people does your wife want in your marriage..last count I took it was only 2 people per marriage..Stand your ground on this no amount of therapy will resolve ANY problem whilst your wife seeks comfort outside of this marriage with her ongoing emotional affair...It must stop..be firm...let her no she is under valuing you and the marriage you currently share. Do not compromise on this..be strong...refuse to address anything further in resolving your marriage issues until she eliminates this one...her actions will surely tell you how much she values you as a person, as her husband and as her priority....make it happen....some things are simply NOT acceptable..this is one of them

[leftyAOK]

Mother's Day was tough. Dredged up a lot of emotions that I had managed to hold in check for the last few weeks.

 

How do you truly react to the question from a three-year-old when he asks "I want to go home", and he's already with you at your new apartment?

 

I realize I am putting adult thoughts into his toddler mind, but it is still something that caught me completely off-guard.

 

This is such a soul-crushing experience. I deserve better than this. I know I do.

 

So why do I still miss her and pine for her? She has clearly moved on, to the point that she is barely even talking to me with exception for the weekly schedule and exchange of our son for activities and visitation.

 

How did/do you all recommended I get her out of my head, my heart, my soul?

[RipTideRush]

she wants to focus on the marriage? Isnt this third party dude part of the marriage problem?

 

She needs to be willing to break it off with this guy or your marriage will never be fixed as far as I am concernced.