My Ex came back, but only for a short while. Lessons learned.

[Artop]

Hi, I hope these lessons will help someone on this board.

 

My Ex broke up with me 1 1/2 years ago stating he just didn't know where the relationship was going. I was devastated to say the least. I tried to maintain NC but he kept breaking it from time to time. I would answer him or not answer him. When I was NC with him for 1-2 months at a time, I would feel so much better. About 5 months ago I finally admitted we will never be together again.

 

Fast forward to Christmas time. He became more friendy and we finally met up. We had a good time. We met up several more times since then. I did ask him what his intentions were. He told me and he seemed genuinely wanted to get back together. I let my guard down and was cautious but happy. I saw him a week ago and I asked him again if he was serious. He told me "you think too much".

 

Well, I could not get hold of him these past four days despite my e-mail/phone message. That's how he dumped last time, ignoring my phone calls.

 

So lessons learned:

 

1. Do not allow your Ex back unless he actually says: I made a mistake and you are the only one for me.

 

2. The relationship was broken the first time for a reason (in my case, he can't/won't commit). Unless that reason is addressed and fixed, it won't work the second time either.

 

3. Don't forget what your Ex put you through when he broke up with you. I took him back with open arms and he immediately stopped appreciating me.

 

4. Don't sell yourself short. Let him work for you.

 

I wanted my Ex to come back so badly but in the end I still did not get the relationship I wanted.

 

I am very sad, disappointed right now and probably wouldn't be able to sleep well for a few days. I do know I will survive this time without him.....

[lonelyandblue]

I'm glad that you know you will survive, I forget that it will be ok sometimes. But you are right.

[browneyedgirl36]

Good for you..You will be OK.

 

It's OK to give it another shot, but once that second shot fails, then it's definitely time to move on.

 

Hang in there.

[Seymore]

1. Do not allow your Ex back unless he actually says: I made a mistake and you are the only one for me.

 

Even that's not enough. Talk is cheap. I gave my ex about a dozen chances even after she said that. Without any improvement, nonetheless.

[Artop]

Even that's not enough. Talk is cheap. I gave my ex about a dozen chances even after she said that. Without any improvement, nonetheless.

 

 

I agree, talk is cheap. The sad thing was I didn't even get that.

[Artop]

Thanks loneyandblue and browneye. I need a little encouragement after this little setback.

[StillSmiling]

Why do we all seem to do this? It never seems to work out - or at least for most.

 

Thanks for sharing the lesson - I needed to read this about now.

 

Hang in there - hopefully the healing goes faster the second time around.

[Jd1983]

I'm sorry that you are feeling this way right now. This happened to me a few years ago, I was really devastated when my "first love" and I broke up the first time around. It took me literally years to get over it, or so I thought. I constantly told myself that if he treated me the way he did, I would never ever get back with him. Throughout the separation, I went out with different people who treated me way better than he ever did, but yet it wasn't what I wanted because in the back of my mind, I was still missing him. We eventually got back in touch, and decided that since so much time has passed between us, it would be alright to meet up. Wrong idea - we went out for 3 weeks and it was the worst decision I ever made in my life. He did so much damage in the 3 weeks alone that left a hole in my heart for another few years. He also claimed that he was a changed man, and that I was the "one" for him. Now that I think about it, they are just lies and he told me what he wanted to - possibly just to get back into my pants. If someone truly wants to be with you, you won't have to work as hard to make them want to be with you. Keep you chin up and your hopes high, you will soon find a guy that will love you for you. Hey, if I could do it - so can you.

[and again]

My ex came back after 4 weeks apart, saying how she had made a mistake and ran from her feelings. We lasted about another 3 weeks , whilst all through she was saying sorry for hurting you, i will never do it again, we were as good as ever if not better, even tried for a baby. Then one day after the smallest of disagrements she was off again. Wish i had never gone back the second time, i would have healed by now.

[BrokenheartUK]

So lessons learned:

 

1. Do not allow your Ex back unless he actually says: I made a mistake and you are the only one for me.

 

2. The relationship was broken the first time for a reason (in my case, he can't/won't commit). Unless that reason is addressed and fixed, it won't work the second time either.

 

3. Don't forget what your Ex put you through when he broke up with you. I took him back with open arms and he immediately stopped appreciating me.

 

4. Don't sell yourself short. Let him work for you.

 

I would give anything for my ex to give me another chance and would appreciate every one of these 4 lessons.

 

Even though I want her back right now, I would wait until I have sorted out my own issues so I'd be sure a second shot would work. I would also respect and appreciate her a hundred times more than I did while we were together. I still sometimes hope we can be together in the future and be better than we ever were after a period of time apart, but I know it's just a dream.

[kayamoyan]

thank you for your sharing what you learned! I can definitely apply this to my situation.

[Artop]

I am glad you recovered. I am mad at him and at myself. I bet my Ex was doing the same thing to me. I want to know why they do this but I know there are no answers.

[maverick554]

I'm just over 3 weeks into my break-up, and I've thought a few times about what I would do if my ex ever came crawling back and told me that she made a huge mistake and wanted me back. The key thing to keep in mind is what made your relationship end and if it is resurrected what will it actually be like. I would have very conflicted feelings if that situation ever did arise because on the one hand I would love to recapture the good times we shared together, but at the same time I would not want to go back to the times just before our relationship ended where I spent more time worrying about the relationship and being somewhat miserable in it, instead of enjoying it.

[canali]

even dr phil says nothing wrong with reconciliation but you both have to EARN your way back in (whoever left)

[SpeedingCars]

My guy did that several times. He would always "break up" with me by disappearing... then reappearing at that darn 2-3 month mark. I let him in cautiously everytime. We would be together for months, but then a HUGE argument would erupt and things would get too intense and all we would do is fight, so he'd "disappear" again.

 

So basically...I TOTALLY agree with #2! You need to both work on your issues and allow time for you guys to learn from your mistakes. Otherwise...it'll just keep resurfacing =/

 

I also agree 100% with the other lessons you have posted. But sadly, we seem to forget some of them the minute our ex comes knocking on our door.

 

Oh & Seymore is right. Too many times have I seen my friends give in when their exes say "I was so wrong, I am so sorry; you are the love of my life and I promise I will never leave you again"...only for them to treat them WORSE and leave SOONER! Words mean nothing. Go by their actions.

[Artop]

My problem is I thought 1 1/2 years should have been enough time apart. In other words, he would had time to think it over and decided that grass is not greener on the other side. I guess I was wrong.

[Tony in Phoenix]

It's OK to give it another shot, but once that second shot fails, then it's definitely time to move on.

 

 

I agree! I had a 7 year relationship end last March. Got back together last August after 5 agonizing months apart, now just broke it off for good in early this past January. There was a reason we broke up the first time. It's tough but you must let go. Things will be better, promise.

[Artop]

Update.

 

He finally e-mailed me yesterday stating he had been sick and feeling down and didn't feel like talking to any one. That was the reason he didn't call me back.

 

My first instinct was to call/email him back and see how he is doing. Take his excuse at face value.

 

My brain is telling me: You are a doormat. How can he have so little respect for you to ignore you for a whole week? He can't even pick up the phone for one minute to tell you what's going on?

 

Any thoughts on what I should do are welcome. I don't want to doubt him but I don't want to be end up looking like a fool.

[philove]

My ex made the exact same excuse when I didn't hear from her for a couple of days and I personally thought it was a load of bull. How difficult is it to send a quick text or email however ill you are?! She was actually ill but that didn't stop her from trying to get the sympathy vote off her Facebook profile so its rubbish.

 

Don't call him back, he's just using you when he needs your attention. He has a pattern and he will do it again. Think logically and not with your heart, you will always find the right answer.

[Artop]

Thanks philove. I needed another point of view. If I let him get away this time, he is just going to do it again and again. Like you said, he has a pattern.

[browneyedgirl36]

Thanks philove. I needed another point of view. If I let him get away this time, he is just going to do it again and again. Like you said, he has a pattern.

 

I agree with philove, too. A whole week without even a text? There's no excuse for that (barring coma or death), and he will do it again if you let him.

 

I am so sorry this is happening to you, but...yes, he definitely has a pattern, and he will repeat it unless you put a stop to it.

[rapunzel]

Hi, I hope these lessons will help someone on this board.

So lessons learned:

 

1. Do not allow your Ex back unless he actually says: I made a mistake and you are the only one for me.

 

2. The relationship was broken the first time for a reason (in my case, he can't/won't commit). Unless that reason is addressed and fixed, it won't work the second time either.

 

3. Don't forget what your Ex put you through when he broke up with you. I took him back with open arms and he immediately stopped appreciating me.

 

4. Don't sell yourself short. Let him work for you.

 

I'm sorry for what you are going through. And I agree with what the others said about the text. A week is a very long time to not hear from someone you are involved with, and an email or a text is very easy to send even if you are sick.

 

I went nine months after my first break up with my ex and then "got back together" (in retrospect, it was not even close to being together) with him. Despite the constant reading I did on these boards, and reading relationship books, and trying to work on myself, I know now that I made it way too easy for him. I did keep him at bay for those 9 months and I never begged, pursued, contacted or anything but I never heard the words that he made a mistake and I was the only one for him. I did hear a long heartfelt apology which I mistook for something more than what it was I felt like I made him work for it the second time. His actions after that were very confusing to me, as it seemed he was trying to spend time with me. But in reality, I ultimately made the first move and did not make him "work" for it. So I was tossed aside again. And I'm still recovering from it 6 months later, and now since we work together, having to witness him with a new woman. It is pure torture.

 

So I agree that one should proceed with utter caution when the ex comes sniffing around.

[fiffy]

Hey

 

I am really sorry to hear about your situation.

 

I guess a lot of us here dream of our exs coming back. I know I do despite having quite an abusive relationship. For me I have identified this longing as wanting to regain my self esteem after it being destroyed. I want him back to get me back. But I know I am going the wrong way to rebuild my self esteem if I do this. For most here I think they genuinly miss their exs. I do to some extent, but how much can you really miss abuse?

 

I think your story highlights how once something is over it can never really be rebuilt in the way we hope.

 

You have had to go through hell, and double disappointment and pain. I think we can all appreciate how hard that must be for you.

 

I think this post just shows how hard reconcilliation is and how low te chances of success are.

 

Thanks for sharing xx

[KronicMan]

getting back with an ex should never be hard or stressful....always tell youurself that.

[1MoreChance]

Thanks for sharing. You will be able to survive without him. he is selfish and uninsightful. you are very insightful. The important thing is that you learned.

 

Have you signed up for the NC challenge? I just did...