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StillSmiling

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  1. StillSmiling
    I'm glad SOMEONE finally asked this question. I've been wondering with every post being made how it was NC. LOL
  2. StillSmiling
    I have not read your story, but my Ex came sniffing around at Day 36. I got weak when I saw that he had been checking on me and IMed him. It opened a canof worms, lead to a phone call, then a meeting and a drink ... and offer to do somethingin the future. And now he has gone totally silent again. I don't regret the final meeting as I feel I understand the breakup better. I also understand myself better and what I want better. BUT, he now has me watching email and my damn phone again waiting to hear from him again. I'm sitting quiet. So just be careful of what you wish for.
  3. StillSmiling
    Thanks Yankee. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I at least feel like I am not as stuck.
  4. StillSmiling
    Day Done Well, I am going to say farewell to this challenge now. Going through this, falling down, and than having this final meeting last night I think has finally brought me to the place of being able to start moving forwards again ... for me. There is no more reason for a forced NC; it is what it is and I can see it clearly now. As predicted, our meeting was bitter sweet, respectful and very insightful for both of us. I am very grateful for the time we had last night, and for the year we had together. Just as in the death of my sister years ago, I have somewhat moved it from being sad that there was not more of it ... to being grateful for ever having it. Some are never so blessed. I did see him with those different eyes. Clearer and more understanding of what happened and why it happened how it did. And I was able to let him know I forgive him. I understand now why he ended it the way he did. And I was able to tell him in all honesty that I think he made the right choice, even though it hurt at the time, and at time still hurts. Thank you to all that have supported me with such encouraging words in the journey. I still have much healing to do and much to learn. But I don't feel as stuck anymore. It's time for me now, no longer holding onto a hopeful "us".
  5. StillSmiling
    Dave: I'm not sure how you can't keep going back to Day One when you have kids to pick up and drop off. I'm so sorry you are hurting. We're going to get through this. Remember how bad yesterday morning was? But it got better? It's going to again ... Megken: Your friends were right to have to you to have gotten rid of it. Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing he has "gotten to you". What he has done is SO wrong. No one EVER should be put through what he has put you through. StillSmiling: What the hell were you thinking? =) OMG I am SO scared now! 3 hours and counting until I am in the car ...
  6. StillSmiling
    Shock seems to be the first part of it for most of us. It sure was for me. And while I am putting my hand back into the fire tonight, I managed a few periods of about 3 weeks NC and then did a solid 36 days. It did give much of the insite I needed to be able to handle tonight. And tonight may or may not be one of the biggest mistakes of my life .. but I have to play it out. Do NC for YOU. To step back and understand better what was really happening. We can't see it in the heat of the moment. We're here for you, but you have to be here every day too. Hugs
  7. StillSmiling
    Oh the clarity we get, huh? I will forever watch out for that Mom Bomb thing in the future. Deadly.
  8. StillSmiling
    Day 0 / Again Bag of mixed emotions thinking about seeing him tonight. I think I am ready for this. - Trying hard to have no hope. Don't really think I do but ... Yes, there is a tiny tickle I have to admit to. - Praying for new eyes to see him through. - Grateful to now be able to now be part of the ending, and not just him walking away. - Confident now that it WAS NOT all my fault. We just had different boxes that we didn't fit into. - Knowing he made the right choice for us, when I was too weak to see it. - Admiring the warrior in him for being able to end it in the midst of the love and the passion and the fun we were having; knowing it was not right. - The chance to blast his ass for HOW HE DID IT! =) LOL - Asking him if his band can play at my upcoming wedding. (Just kidding Dave! LOL)
  9. StillSmiling
  10. StillSmiling
    Day Whatever The Hell It Is / 0 Was getting more pissed off by the moment. Ok, a few tears thrown in there, but still mad. Felt he was playing some sort of friggin game with not letting me know about going out or not. I HAVE HAD IT! Like I am suppose to keep my life on hold while he decides which day, or if ever he is going to tell me when??????? So I just walk back into my office. He's online right now. No email yet. No phone call or TXT. So I just wrote him: (and trust me, I am really trying hard to stay nice) "You still up for that drink, or decide it was a bad idea? Had not heard anything back from you, (except you were stalking ... and was trying to plan my week. Thoughts?" Well ... He replied, so let's the games begin: "Hi Sweetie, I'd love to have that drink with you. How about tomorrow night about 7? You pick the place. Love-R__" YIKES! Tomorrow is the 1 year anniversary of us meeting .. and I picked the place last year! I don't know if I should laugh or cry. I wrote back and suggested "perhaps a new annual tradition - Elephant Bar?". This is going to be one hell of a ride. After not seeing him for almost 2 months, I have to look in those eyes again. I just have to know one more time, for me. Wish me luck in seeing him with different feelings and knowing I can now break this awful cycle.
  11. StillSmiling
    Great job! You made me laugh about being on fire while calling his name! LOL
  12. StillSmiling
    WHY in the world do we do these things???? It's like a damn drug. I hate this! Please give me back MY life now! Hang in there ...
  13. StillSmiling
    Day ???? I can't even figure out what day it is anymore. I suppose it is back to Day One since I emailed him yesterday to agree to that drink. This morning I am pissed off. STILL no response from him. Why the hell did he torture me with the flowers and the offer of going out, only to not respond when I said yes? He is really fighting to "fill that hole" as he is now on 4 dating sites that I know of. The latest one being an obscure site that I am on. Yet, he won't turn back towards me and make another go of it. I am sick of this game. It now feels like a game he is playing. I always felt him to be so straightforward and admired the way he was never afraid to show his softer side. Now I feel like he is screwing with my head. I've gone back to jumping at the phone ringing and incessantly checking my email for a response from him. Just like in the beginning. He is putting me back through the torture again and I can't allow him to do it. I have thoughts this morning of writing him and telling him to just drop it all and leave me alone. I suppose I wanted the chance to correct the thoughts he has of me having moved on. And to see what his reaction would be. I had hope. And I don't want to have hope any more. And I don't want to want him anymore. It's time for me to take care of me only now. Too much time and energy and pain has already been spent on something that is not going anywhere. I swear these tears are going to be the last I shed for him ... EDIT: He just replied to my joke on the dating site of me asking him "Are you following me? LOL". He wrote "Yes, I'm stalking you. Don't look out your window " Great, yet no answer on the going out. This is beginning to get really sick.
  14. StillSmiling
    First, I can relate to all of the memories and pictures and how it triggers the hurt ... continue to clean what ever space you have to. Secondly, why would you want someone back that has cheated on you? How could you ever trust her again? Don't you think you deserve someone that will respect you more than that? Hold that head up a bit higher, and hold on for the one that properly care for a relationship. You'll make it.
  15. StillSmiling
    Hugs babe. I think we need a I'M THE PRIZE thread! In time we will KNOW this every day, every hour. Till then, we will remind ourselves here and know we are right. We ALL deserve the freedom in the heart to move forward from those that can't accept us as who we are.
  16. StillSmiling
    Yeah, I just read his stuff too. BIG MISTAKE. But we will learn from this ... *hugs*
  17. StillSmiling
    Day 4.9 Thanks Blue Dahlia ... Well, almost 8:30 PM here and no answer to my email. He had plenty of time as he has been "online" at the other site .. no time to answer me. Not an answer to my email for having a drink .. not to my joke on the dating site if he was "following me". This is beyond stupid now. He reaches out, I reply, and i get rejected again. Amazing what we set ourselves up for with this. I have to get off this treadmill of thinking he is even a sane person ... ACK. Was a fun day with a GF out to lunch and a hike. I have to pray for the strength to just STOP all of this and get on with life. He's a wacko. I think I may actually be pissed off for the first time at him. Would be a good thing to hold on to .....
  18. StillSmiling
    OK FINE! He's read my mail and no response. THEN, I log into a pretty obsure dating site I've been on ... guess who has signed up??? So I sent him a mail "Are you following me? LOL" I feel like I am back in high school. I REALLY have to be done with this .. Guess I am back to Day one again. and again and again ...
  19. StillSmiling
  20. StillSmiling
    Day 4.1 Done. Brief note to him saying: "Yes that's fine. Whatever feels right to you. Let me know" I know he has 2 gigs today so no clue when he will ever write back. Joy oh Joy, now I get to wait for his email again. This cycle has to stop some where ...
  21. StillSmiling
    Day 4 Funky afternoon yesterday as I still struggle with that one last meeting. That final martini is becoming famous in my head these days ... It was last Wednesday that he wrote and asked if we could "do it next week", and I have yet to answer him back. I guess he could take it as 1) He'll call if/when he still wants to do that OR 2) He thinks he offended me by putting it off saying he was busy last week. No clue what he is thinking. Since I have not heard anything more from him, I am beginning to assume that the "over-the-top" birthday flowers and the drink offer really were nothing more than a nice guy doing nice guy things ... and that I should not read anything more into it. I even wrote and asked about meeting up with him again in the main forum. Two responses, one each way. I flip flop back and forth on answering him, just as I flip flop back and forth on falling apart. Some hours I feel so strong and ready to move forward, and other hours feel just like it all happened yesterday. When I woke just a few hours ago I was TOTALLY convinced he is not worth getting hurt over again. That all I would be doing is setting myself backwards AGAIN. Now, I begin to wonder again if that will be the only way to get unstuck from this place I seem to be hovering in. Gotta get off the fence ... Last night had fun at the Bunco party and met more fun people. It's the best thing I can do in staying very busy. Today I have a GF coming over and we are going to hike the hills with the dogs. It really is a blessing to have San Diego weather and I have to focus on all I have to be grateful for and stop feeling so bloody sorry for myself ... OK, that's it. I'm going to email him back and meet with him. If I don't do this, I will always wonder ... BLAH!
  22. StillSmiling
    WOW, you REALLY need to be strong. This guy sounds like nothing but on-going heartbreak for you. So sorry you are hurting. The best thing you can do right now is not answer those calls and erase the mail. I KNOW, easier said than done, but he is really messing with you. *hugs*
  23. StillSmiling
    Day 3 Still feel like I'm on a slippery slope. No further contact on either side about going out next week. I was silly enough to actually check my email account that he usually writes to this morning. Zip. Perhaps he is rethinking it as well. Was told by another friend yesterday that I was crazy to see him again. Really, what would it accomplish? I suppose at least I could correct his impression of me being involved with another. Not that I think it would make any difference. It really would be the only reason to talk to him. Well, that and to tell him it WAS NOT all my fault. I HATE that he made me feel that way ... Had a date last night. Nice guy, not my type. But was fun to go out and hear some music without getting all freaked out about live bands and memories. Don't think I'll go out with him again, but he sure planted one of those shocker kisses on me when we said goodbye! LOL Gotta stay busy this weekend. It's the loneliness of the house on the weekend, without having to work that really runs me down. Have a Bunco party tonight with MeetUps. Should meet some fun people again. No tears this morning ... so it's a good start anyways.
  24. StillSmiling
    Ha Ha Ha I Love it! You Go Guy! Don't let her mess with your head. I love hearing you sound better!
  25. StillSmiling
    Day 2 While I'm not quite back at square one, it sure feels like I am hovering over it. That stupid tiny voice of hope is back at tickling in my thoughts. I felt so much better a month ago when I had finally resigned myself to the fact that there was no chance for it ever again. I was even able to FINALLY see all that was wrong about it. The work that HE still needs to do. He has not changed, only I have. I could remember how he threw it all away without even trying ... and now I am forgetting that. The bad is starting to fade again in my memory and I am trying so hard to hold onto it. I saw him log on and off rather quickly last night. Pretty certain it was to check and see if I had answered his email. No mail from me. And I will sit still for now until I can figure this out. It is like Blue Dahlia said; an addiction. (thank you) I almost had it beat, then took that tiny taste again when I emailed him and he called me. And wants to meet up next week. Perhaps I need the one last meeting, get my heart stepped on one more time, and go back to remembering it really is over and there is no chance. We really both have said all of it already. He has already told me numerous times that he can't go back. So WHY this friggin hope again? I wish I could ask him if he ever questions his decision to have ended it ... I just want this over with and be able to move on. I just want to stop crying again ...
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