Failure

[LBP]

So this girl was flirting with me a lot and even at the end of the night told me that I was hot and that she wanted me to text her. I have a GF and am happy with her but I couldn't think of how to break that to this other girl and still be polite. Man, that was awful on my part. I just said that I couldn't promise to do that and made my way out. She was all up on a few other guys at that time, so that made it a bit easier, but still a bad move on my part.

 

What's the best way to let someone know that you're involved with someone else without coming accross as hurtful or dismissive? We talked a lot, myself and this young woman, and I definitely enjoyed her conversation. I think she is a decent person who I would enjoy being friends with. Every time she hugged me, or what have you, I shrugged her off in what I felt was a fairly clear indication of my nonexistant interest. It would not appear that I was direct enough.

 

You men and woman have any advice for me? I think I should have just taken her aside early on, as soon as she laid hands on me, and told her the facts. I should have been strong enough to do that. In my opinion, lesson learned... But it's hard to find the right circumstances in the heat of the moment.

[Casey13]

What's the best way to let someone know that you're involved with someone else without coming accross as hurtful or dismissive?

 

Is this a trick question or what? Answer is: "Youre great but I have a girlfriend" thats it

[servedcold]

C'mon, you have deep reserves of wit and tact, you don't need advice on this. Why are you really posting this?

 

Unless, she has you thinking, and it's troublesome to admit to yourself, nothing wrong with that btw, but face up to it. You aren't doing anything wrong by wondering until you keep putting yourself in situations that fuel doubts. If you really want the LTR you have, start skipping the bar crawls, or be the first to leave before the women you are meeting get grabby.

 

Subtext here, LBP? This is your second thread (that I'm aware of) in this vein. Nothing wrong with craving some freedom while abroad and having fun, but no one here can advise you on the right course re: freedom v relationship.

[LBP]

Sigh, you're right. I think I just suck. I love to go out and my GF doesn't. It just gets me into bad situations. I guess it's something I'll have to think on. i guess I just enjoy female attention too much. Makes me feel like a man. It shouldn't factor into it.

 

ugh. I never wanted to be this guy.

 

This girl was tonight is not one I'd have interest in dating. That's the truth. So why did I pander to it? Disgusting, on my part. I wish I had a good way to make up for it.

[kitchentable]

Ummm. You and my ex suffer from the same infliction. You can't assert yourself for the sake of the relationship. I don't understand the thinking here. "Well honey, I made it clear I had a girlfriend in the text message I sent her". Sorry man, I have zero sympathy for your plight and I have never been this harsh with anyone on here.

[LBP]

Ummm. You and my ex suffer from the same infliction. You can't assert yourself for the sake of the relationship. I don't understand the thinking here. "Well honey, I made it clear I had a girlfriend in the text message I sent her". Sorry man, I have zero sympathy for your plight and I have never been this harsh with anyone on here.

 

I won't argue with you. I've been pathetic. I need to reexamine my thinking and actions. Clearly, I'm insecure on some level. My actions have been hurtful and inconsiderate. I don't know what to think about myself.

 

I'm generally considering two things. First, how to let the girl down who may or may not text me. Second, whether or not to tell my GF. Maybe I should. Maybe it would be better. Then again, it'd hurt her, and she doesn't deserve that. I'm moving away in a few months and who knows whether or not we'll survive the LDR, but... I don't know. Damn it all.

 

Should I tell my GF about my transgressions? How would I go about that?

[kitchentable]

I believe that you don't like her. My ex would give her number out to 50 year old fat guys that asked because she didn't want to hurt their feelings. I just don't understand people that can't say no. It's not a judgment. You would be 10 times more irresistible if you acted disinterested.

[servedcold]

i guess I just enjoy female attention too much. Makes me feel like a man. It shouldn't factor into it.

 

If you really "sucked" you wouldn't be questioning yourself, but would be cheating by now.

 

It's tough, you can be in the Dead Sea, then miraculously, once you get involved, they come streaming out of the woodwork, a seemingly never ending supply.

 

Get used to this, my married friends tell me that the old cliche' about a wedding ring on a man being the ultimate aphrodisiac is true, so the phenomenon will only get worse. Just have to deal with it, and that will make you feel like a man just as much as female attention when your head is right.

[kitchentable]

I suggest you tell your girlfriend. I "discovered" some of my ex's texts and any explanation after that might as well be a lie. You have a few options from there. If your girl doesn't care then carry on. If she does, then you drop the charm and be honest with her about your insecurities. Let her decide if this is something she can live with or not.

[servedcold]

I suggest you tell your girlfriend. I "discovered" some of my ex's texts and any explanation after that might as well be a lie. You have a few options from there. If your girl doesn't care then carry on. If she does, then you drop the charm and be honest with her about your insecurities. Let her decide if this is something she can live with or not.

 

Way premature, and no don't stir up this stuff with your GF, that's both selfish and hurtful at the same time. We all have doubts from time to time, and have our heads turned briefly while in relationships. You haven't done a thing wrong.

[kitchentable]

I wouldn't want to explain a strange flirtatious text after my girlfriend reads it.

I do understand what the klingon is saying though.

[servedcold]

I do understand what the klingon is saying though.

 

If you are talking about me, I'm Romulan.

[kitchentable]

hahaha. nice

[purpleduckie]

well, my opinion might not be very popular... but i flirt, whether i'm in a relationship or not. i just make sure to drop the bf bomb early on... so it's just innocent flirting (nothing touchy... just friendly flirting...) and they won't push anything weird on me.

[tiredofvampires]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, WHOA.

 

You flirted and then didn't know how to extricate yourself. You didn't cheat on your GF, not even emotionally. Not condoning what you did, but it's not something I think of as unforgiveable.

 

Not knowing how to say "no" is a problem I struggle with, too. I can't say no very well even to girlfriends, when I need to assert myself in some way. Double that for men who are flirting mercilessly with me. I've been in your situation (though as I can recall, I always mentioned my bf -- not that some guys care!), and once I had time to think about it afterwards (beating myself to a pulp, as you are doing -- which is only good inasmuch as that it's causing you to remain true to some principles and set high standards for your behavior), upon consideration of the events I was able to re-steer the situation.

 

If she texts, then you can text back and simply say what you failed to come forward saying in person.

 

You know this is a vulnerability with you, and relates to some insecurity (I think maybe a sense of things being indeterminate with your GF makes you feel less committed in some sense, and that plays into your subconscious in ways, even though you're monogamous right now?)...so you know what to be on guard for, for next time. Understanding why you do it, which will require some introspecting, is more important than what you actually did here.

 

Needing approval from the opposite sex has deep roots.

 

I don't think you should 'fess up to your GF about this, even though I'm a person for nearly total transparency in relationships. Why? Because the gratuitous unhappiness it will cause will not be in proportion to the severity of the infraction.

[Miss Firecracker]

LBP, if you don't think enough of your girl to tell people about her...please let her go. I am surprised you are asking a question like this because you are very intelligent. You are going to break this woman's heart before it's over. So go ahead and do it now.

[tiredofvampires]

well, my opinion might not be very popular... but i flirt, whether i'm in a relationship or not. i just make sure to drop the bf bomb early on... so it's just innocent flirting (nothing touchy... just friendly flirting...) and they won't push anything weird on me.

 

I think this is a healthy middle-ground. You can be honest/have integrity and human at the same time, and still maintain control.

[kitchentable]

Tired of vampires. If you don't mind. I'd like to hear more about "needing approval from the opposite sex" and what the deep issues stem from. It was an issue with my ex that I couldn't deal with.

[kitchentable]

I don't think you should 'fess up to your GF about this, even though I'm a person for nearly total transparency in relationships. Why? Because the unhappiness it will cause will not be in proportion to the severity of the infraction.

 

Based upon who's scale? Maybe she has the right to call a spade a spade from her perspective. Where do you draw the line? We all have a different set of standards for what we will tolerate in a relationship. Hiding things you are actively doing to spare your partner unhappiness is absurd. I'm back to voting for total honesty and if you can't then walk away. This won't be the last time you give your number out and next time you might be hoping for the call. Innocent flirting is human. Failing to mention you are involved and/or leading this other woman on (by giving her your number) is not innocent. It may not be cheating but it's still dishonest to all in involved.

[JeckyllNHyde]

Ah.. welcome to the world of about 99% of women (j/k of course with the "statistics").

Seriously though, this used to be my dilemma before. And I know more girls deal with it, but get bashed for not letting guys know they have a bf, even if they don't have plans of cheating.. Most cases: the guys being so sweet, flirting and mad complimenting, you have a bf or have begun to see someone, and you don't want to come off rude or as if you have something against them. Plus you could risk losing a possible friend.

 

I had to bite the bullet though at some point in my relationship when things got serious. Just wasn't fair to the bf, forget about the other guys hitting on me. I was glad to see he was so upfront telling others he was already seeing someone, and only wanted to see her (me) so I took it as an example and did the same.

After a while it gets easier telling people you're taken. Ijust never had done it in the past relationships I'd been in, also b.c none had been as serious. I think the more attached you get to your gf, the easier it will get saying "no thanks, I'm taken" to these girls who come on to you.

 

At the end of the day you have to think about your own needs: do you want any problems/rumors breaking up you and your gf, or do you want to put the girls feelings first and lie so she doesn't feel bad?

 

I'd just say something like "Aw, sorry I didn't mention it earlier.. I have a gf." Kind of in a nice way but still straight to the point.

 

I don't bring the bf up to all guys though. Only if they ask me out and have gone past harmless flirting/talking. Or if I sense they have some interest in persuing.

[yellow_sweater]

When you notice that a woman is starting to ramp up the flirting, delicately drop a mention of your girlfriend. "Hey, that's a totally amazing story about rafting down the Colorado! You know, me and my girlfriend were thinking of planning a similar trip. Would you recommend blah blah blah..." That type of thing.

 

Also, don't tell your girlfriend. Although you're feeling like you're doing something wrong, I feel like the best way to avoid additional harm is not to tell her AND to stop what you're doing.

 

YS

[JeckyllNHyde]

Agreed.. with all of it. ^^^^

[kitchentable]

LBP, I don't presume to know how easily you can change this behavior. So for argument's sake, what if he can't? As the vampire said "it's a deep issue". Learning to say you have a girlfriend won't stop girls from pursuing. When I was younger and single. If a girl said she had a boyfriend but still welcomed my attention I immediately lost all respect for her and her boyfriend.

[yellow_sweater]

Learning to say you have a girlfriend won't stop girls from pursuing. When I was younger and single. If a girl said she had a boyfriend but still welcomed my attention I immediately lost all respect for her and her boyfriend.

 

Actually, this is one reason (of a few) why I recently ended a friendship. Even though my (male) friend insisted that he LOOOVED his girlfriend, he continued to flirt with me. It's human nature to flirt a little bit, but he pushed things so far, and in some cases, got so explicit that I felt very badly for his girlfriend and lost a lot of respect for him as a person.

 

Don't be "that guy" who lets the flirting go too far.

 

YS

[tiredofvampires]

Tired of vampires. If you don't mind. I'd like to hear more about "needing approval from the opposite sex" and what the deep issues stem from. It was an issue with my ex that I couldn't deal with.

 

Well, this could be a topic for a dissertation...and I'm still in the process of investigating it. This is going to sound almost so trite, it might sound ludicrous, but when a woman doesn't have a history of the primary male in her life (her father) showing her love and approval, and her self-esteem is systematically undermined by those who are charged with the supposed unconditional love that she deserves, she ends up trying to prove and re-prove to herself that she is liked, loved, desired, wanted, needed, acknowledged. Male acknowledgement, feeling you command affection, is the issue, not sex. Pure and simple, it's a validation you never had when it was supposed to be given and shown, so you don't need to re-enact that each time someone builds your ego up. Which is why your ex even took men's numbers when she wasn't even attracted to them. She just wanted someone to show that they noticed her -- that she was worth a damn. When you've grown up believing you're not worth a damn, the fact that anyone would turn their head for you, give you the time of day, make you feel good about yourself in any way, shape or form, temporarily quiets that doubt which you carry like a shadow everywhere -- that no one can love you.

 

The more people show their affection, the more "evidence" you gather that you're loveable....even though it's counterfeit reassurance, because in the end, you know someone flirting with you doesn't love you and it's not proof of anything.

 

Based upon who's scale? Maybe she has the right to call a spade a spade from her perspective. Where do you draw the line? We all have a different set of standards for what we will tolerate in a relationship. Hiding things you are actively doing to spare your partner unhappiness is absurd. I'm back to voting for total honesty and if you can't then walk away. This won't be the last time you give your number out and next time you might be hoping for the call. Innocent flirting is human. Failing to mention you are involved and/or leading this other woman on (by giving her your number) is not innocent. It may not be cheating but it's still dishonest to all in involved.

 

True, the line is rather arbitrary. But I think that there are some universals; flirting and not mentioning your gf is just NOT the same transgression as having sex with them. If all things were equally bad, then we could say even innocent flirting is wrong. You're right, this is somewhat subjective and my opinion, but I think being a reasonable person and a moderate, it's FAIR for the punishment to fit the crime. And to most people, I think the crime of failing to mention one's girlfriend, while dishonest, is not a relationship-ender; it's a misdemeanor by simple relativity.

 

For the record, I wouldn't suggest the OP continue to do this. And I'd say if he is this aware of his actions and why and what perpetuates them, he's not likely to err like this again, because the emotional aftermath is not worth it. I'm not trying to gloss over what he did. But. The thing with having a conscience (as the OP has), and what separates him from someone who doesn't, is that they are trying to mend their ways to live congruently with what they know is right. If he were to continue this, and it was habitual, then I think he'd have to seriously question his commitment to his gf (as Jeckyllnhyde said, and I said, the more commited and cemented you are in the relationship, the easier it gets to say without hesitation that you're spoken for). I think that if he applies the "lessons learned" principle to this, then what is the sense of jeopardizing the whole relationship? If it was "felonious", it would be a different matter in my opinion. It's all on a relative continuum, and no one is honest 100% of the time in any relationship. It's good to strive for honesty, and I am usually honest to a fault, but it's also human to know that none of us are infallible.

 

But again, if this is uncontrollable despite his insights, then yes, he owes it to her to address it openly.