I'm so tired of being dissappointed and crying, I'm so tired I hate my freaking life.

[Seymore]

I clean and cook and have his dinner ready, do his laundry and everything. All he says about is I don't want you to feel like you need to do anything for me. I tried to tell him I do it because I care and thats what people do in relationships. When he comes home he doesn't want to do ANYTHING and I have started to accept that even, all I ask for him to do is walk and feed the dog. He can't even do that, he hardly wants to wash his own dishes after I COOKED FOR HIM. I can't stand this. I have to get out somehow I'm scared though. He'll probably come home and try to tell me he is breaking up with me and turn it around on me..I could be wrong but I don't know. I just feel so manipulated.

 

This is very telling to me. You're throwing the fact that you cook and do the laundry in HIS face. He said you don't need to do it, but you do, then hit him with it. Then you let him give you money and blame him for throwing that in your face. Know why he gives you money? Because he CARES, and that's what people do in relationships. Your own words.

 

Whose dog is it?

[arwen]

Hey Coco, any news??

[SayWhen]

I think there are definitely two sides to this issue. While I can understand your frustration with your BF not helping you with chores, I can also understand your BF's frustration with you throwing it in his face that he doesn't help enough. In fact, I could really bet you that that might be the reason he throws all of the things he does for you in your face. He is getting defensive because you are attacking him. Right now he is supporting you and you should, in theory, be appreciative of that. If you really feel like he is not holding up his end of the bargain, then you need to talk to him rationally. He really does not sound like that bad of a guy. I hate to make excuses for him but some men honestly need to be reminded to do things (like taking out the trash, dishes) several times before it happens. If you are patient, I bet he would come around to the idea of helping you out more...but if you keep getting on his tail like this he is just going to get frustrated and distance himself from you. If that's what you want, then yes, you should end the relationship...but this seems totally salvageable to me. Good luck!

[CoCo2009]

I told him that I was fed up and I don't want him helping me with anything anymore. I told him that all my life I have provided for myself for this exact reason..that I don't have anyone holding anything over my head and I don't want him helping me anymore and that he can move out, I even told him that I would give him 30 days to move out. He claims he doesn't want to move out and that he wants to help me and keep helping me but I don't even believe him. He seems standofish and I confronted him about it yesterday and he says he isn't being standoffish "he's just tired" yeah right huh? So I'm still trying to figure out how to tell him to just go. I feel like its too hard to be with him..its so hard and I'm tired of hurting over and over again. I don't throw what I do in his face I only mention it when he acts like I'm his freaking maid. I do everything and I try my best to be a good person and girlfriend and I just want to be appreciated just like he is. I get unemployment benefits and I pay the bills I can with that and I also help him buy what he needs. I'm tired of being told "oh I help you so do what I say". You know what I mean? I need love and attention too....isn't it time to think about what makes me happy. I love him a lot. thats all I know.

[CoCo2009]

maybe I'm misreading him I don't know but this morning he got into the shower and starting singing and all this...He barely paid me any attention so I told him "could you stop acting this way towards me its making me feel bad" He said he isn't acting any way towards me..gave me a kiss and left for work. He is so confusing ugh.

[CoCo2009]

oh and now since I told him about how I felt two days ago he walks the dog and takes the trash out as soon as he gets home. Then he just plops down on the couch, eats, and falls asleep. Is this normal? I've never lived with someone so I'm wondering if I'm the one tripping out.

[EQD]

this may be a honeymoon phase. time will tell if he reverts.

[CoCo2009]

if you can call it a honeymoon phase, he is acting standoffish and I still have to do the dirty work of trying to end it with someone I love, but know I shouldnt be with because the relationship is toxic or whatever they call it.

[Scorpion Fury]

Maybe he's being standoffish because of what you said to him. First off, you told him "f you" before he went to work the other morning. That's pretty rude. Then, you told him you want him to move out. What do you expect?

[CoCo2009]

I don't expect anything from him but the truth. If he doesn't want to be with me why can't he just tell me instead of acting all standoffish. He has said things to me that are hurtful and yet I'm not being coddled...I'm telling him the truth...is the truth bad or should I lie? Do you get what I am saying..it probably sounds all mixed up.

[EQD]

sounds like your relationship has very very bad communication issues.

[CoCo2009]

I know and thats another thing I brought up to him when we talked. He told me he is telling me everything and that he wants to be with me and there is nothing else to be said. I'm confused, I'm the one telling him everything and how I feel and he just says "I want to be with you, and help more" He said to stop asking him over and over because he gave me his answer and that he is simple to understand. Umm no he is not simple to understand. Sometimes he tells me that he is too "easy going" and that I can't just realize that he wants to be with me????? what does that even mean?

[CoCo2009]

either way I appreciate all of you guys here following my posts and giving me advice..Its like I'm at a fork in the road in my life and my relationship all at the same time. Things have been hard for awhile.

[Seymore]

oh and now since I told him about how I felt two days ago he walks the dog and takes the trash out as soon as he gets home. Then he just plops down on the couch, eats, and falls asleep. Is this normal? I've never lived with someone so I'm wondering if I'm the one tripping out.

 

I really don't get it...so he's walking the dog and taking out the trash..two of the main things you complained about he's taking care of, and now you're complaining about him falling asleep after he's worked all day. What do you want from him? You talk to him, he takes care of it and makes adjustments to his behavior, but it just doesn't seem to be enough? This is all confusing for ME, and I'm not the one in the relationship.

 

My ex was like that. I'd work all day long, come home and plop on the couch. No good - I had to run some kind of errand for or with her. She'd say "I worked all day too, you know!" - her work consisted of babysitting two kids. She had the luxury of going shopping at the mall or letting them run around while she surfed the web all day. She could take a nap during their naptime. I'm not saying it wasn't legitimate work, but she could relax or run the errands she needed to run. I was at a desk all day, and I felt that she was dismissing my job as less stressful, thereforee I couldn't relax after or play a video game for 45 minutes. I busted my butt all day, I EARNED a quiet evening here and there, but I still had to jump when she said to - it was like my work day never ended. I shouldn't have to be at her beck and call after working. And the money I made was going towards all of our dates - she never paid for anything. Maybe while married, it's a different story, but we were dating, yet she threw that in my face, too. "When we're married, all of this is going to change". I said "I have to die someday, but that doesn't mean I have to do it now".

 

It sounds like you're slowly trying to train or change him. One obstacle overcome, let's change/complain about the next thing...

 

Ask yourself - what is it you expect of him? If this continues, it's not going to be good or healthy. I'm reading a book right now about how we tend to love someone's potential, then slowly mold them to fit our vision of what they should be. We may love many aspects of this person, but we feel the need to "tweak" the aspects we don't love. It basically says that we should love the person as they are from the start, and not expect changes.

 

There's a fine line between changing someone and changing the relationship. One takes one person, the other is a realization and an effort including both parties. From your posts/threads, I see him changing, but you complaining like it's never enough.

 

As always, I could be wrong. I'm not lashing out at you or anything, just making judgments by what I hear.

[Ac143]

I don't expect anything from him but the truth. If he doesn't want to be with me why can't he just tell me instead of acting all standoffish. He has said things to me that are hurtful and yet I'm not being coddled...I'm telling him the truth...is the truth bad or should I lie? Do you get what I am saying..it probably sounds all mixed up.

 

 

Coco - do you want to be happy?? What do you expect from this guy? To come home & having fun constantly? You are home bored all day because you dont work & he comes home tired so he wants to relax. He is doing what you asked, what more do you want?

 

He wont be romantic or fun until all this tension is out of the relationship. You are assuming he wants out of this relationship & he didn't even say that. You also seem like you like drama & need excitement ALL the time.

 

You are doing the house work while he is working....that's fair enough. When you get a job then you guys will need split the chores. But for now....what exactly do you want from him?

 

He does what you want then you complain about him sitting on the couch to relax. When you got home from work when you were working what did you do when you got home?

[CoCo2009]

I don't see where I am trying to change him. All I want is to be treated right just like he wants to be treated right. I'm getting the impression that since he works right now which I can't control because I was laid off, that I should bow down and kiss his feet. I could see if I was not actively looking for a job and not earning ANY money and just sitting around all day with the apartment a mess, and not cooking or doing anything AT ALL for him, I could see why he would treat me like I don't exist because I would be acting selfish. I don't have a problem with him coming home and doing what HE AGREED to do such as feeding the dog and taking the trash out and going to sleep thats fine. But what I am saying is don't relationships take work on both ends.

 

Am I supposed to try and make all the effort in trying to talk to him about how things are going? Since he works am I supposed to sit around and be ignored and wonder if he really wants to be with me? Telling me over and over again that he will do certain things around the house but then coming home, doing NOTHING, and then telling me that since he HELPS pay for things HE VOLUNTEERED to help with he shouldn't have to do the things HE VOLUNTEERED TO DO? Its so confusing you know. I just want to show him that I want things to work out and he just sits there doing the bare minimum and then tells me I'm not right. I laid it all out on the table because I want to know where he stands. Its okay if he is going to be standoffish because I expressed myself. But I am upset too and I'm not being standoffish because I am being an adult and telling him how I feel.

 

If he feels like he doesn't want to talk to me or be around me because of the things I said..why can't he say "I don't want to be around you right now or talk to you because I am angry at the way you talked to me" Why does he have to act standoffish and leave me guessing? Why can't we just be open to each other. Thats all I want is the truth..For example..he does his share for 2 days after us arguing and then gets into a comfort zone again and just pretends our argument never happened. I'm sick of this back and forth cycle. Either you want to be fair in this relationship and do what you say or you don't and you get out of the relationship. Its like HE loves the drama of going back and forth not me. I'm tired of the drama, I HATE DRAMA, so its hurtful to hear that I might like it. The last thing I need in my life is drama and I told him all of this also.

[CoCo2009]

To your last question, I used to come home to him sitting on the couch doing NOTHING while sitting in a pile of trash and dishes. I had to come home to a filthy apartment and no food nothing just his behind either gone at his friends house or sitting around playing video games. I had to cook AND clean and work! .... He gets it all and all I ask for him to do is small chores which he does only when he feels like it. I'm fed up with his behavior....I will give him the benefit of the doubt that he will continue to do it but he has stopped so many times and I just see it coming from a mile away. I'm not going to wait to see if he stops but if he does stop I will understand that he likes to change for a small amount of time to not hear me "nag" and I'm getting out because I'm tired of making all the effort in this relationship, I'm officially done and if he's okay at risking it I'm done because its obvious he doesn't care if I stay or leave.

[Ac143]

Sorry if I offended you with the drama comment coco. But why are you fighting and arguing with him over this? If he keeps going back to his comfort zone, he apparently isn't taking you seriously & you guys are repeating this cycle. You shouldnt have to remind someone you live with to do 1 or 2 chores CONSTANTLY.

 

I REALLY think you guys need a break from eachother, there is sooo much tension in this relationship & doesn't seem like a happy place right now.

 

Something has to change & I think YOU need to make the change for YOU.

[Seymore]

Wait...he got into a comfort zone again? He quit walking the dog and taking out the trash after two days?

 

Why do I feel like I'm either being misinformed or not hearing the whole story?

[CoCo2009]

Well I guess I'll just have to lose my relationship too, I mean it fine I guess. I'll be okay..I'm just so angry and hurt that he is willing to have our relationship end over something so trivial. He doesn't really love me or care about me and I wish I never met him to be honest. I'm hurt so much and I wasted so much time! I put my everything into this relationship only to be taken for granted and thrown away like I'm trash. My self esteem is gone and my hope is gone. I hate relationships and I give up on them all. I'm done dating and giving my heart out. I'm done.

[CoCo2009]

Wait...he got into a comfort zone again? He quit walking the dog and taking out the trash after two days?

 

Why do I feel like I'm either being misinformed or not hearing the whole story?

 

No I'm sorry he has done this in the recent past but not within the last two days. Sorry for the confusion.

[Seymore]

Coco, there seems to be a recurring theme to your posts. You have a problem with him, then go on a "poor me" rant. You haven't answered my question - what do you want from him? Really?

 

Where did he say you have to bow down and kiss his feet? If I remember correctly, he said you didn't have to do those things, right? What is it you want from him, and be honest.

[CoCo2009]

I'm not going on a poor me rant.

[CoCo2009]

All I want from him is to be considerate and not only think of himself such as help around the house clean up after himself help with the laudry. I want us to have quality time together maybe a date night once a week or every two weeks where we talk and laugh and have a good time together. Support eachother emotionally. Plan a future together such as when we would like to maybe move into a condo or save for a house. Plan on getting engaged talk about if we want children etc...normal stuff.

[CoCo2009]

I have always been there for him and I'm just emotionally drained. I'm not doing a poor me rant. When he was unemployed I was there, now I need to coddle him because he works, I needed to coddle him when his cars were repossed because he was irresponsible and not paying the bills, I needed to coddle him when he got into a fight at the gas station. He's too old to be petted all the time. I'm over it. I'm not over it in a way where I don't care, it does hurt but I'm over worrying about his feelings.