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I'm so tired of being dissappointed and crying, I'm so tired I hate my freaking life.


CoCo2009

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Feeling like a failure, mum? This i...
Feeling like a failure, mum? This is what you need to hear

Yesterday I woke up at 5:30am to find a bunch of roaches in my apartment. So I started to clean and then I had to get some stuff to repel them and blah blah blah, I spent almost my whole day disinfecting the apartment and cleaning. I guess I inhaled too many chemicals because I got kinda sick. So I chilled out for a bit. I have been asking my boyfriend to just walk the dog and feed him when he gets home since I do the laundry, cook for him, clean everything and walk the dog during the day. He doesn't do it..unless I remind him EVERYDAY. I only asked him to wash his own dishes yesterday and feed and walk the dog, he just sat there falling asleep so I fed the dog, he said he would get up and wash his own dishes ( I was tired and I didn't want to leave food out because of the roaches) He then said he would walk the dog but just sat there and watched t.v. and fell asleep so I just did it myself. This morning before he left for work I told him that he should have done it and that I do everything and all I ask him to do is two small things. He got all mad saying he is paying for everything and we had a huge argument. He kept saying he does enough by working and helping me pay my debt. I felt so hurt because I feel like he is just throwing it in my face like he doesn't want to do it or something. He said he takes me out and goes to work and he shouldn't have to hear me talking about doing things. I cried because he was just being mean and talking like he didn't care he hurt my feelings. I told him fuc you before he left for work. I don't care anymore, I'm tired of him being this way. I try to show him appreciation everyday for things he does for me I always have his food cooked, I clean, I do his laundry I, I cleaned up the roaches and everything.

 

 

I am really starting to hate my life so bad, If he breaks up with me later I don't even care because it hurts already. I try so hard and I just keep failing and I'm done.

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I don't know anymore I don't know about this relationship, I should just get out now after all these years things are never going to change. Only for a week and then BAM we're right back at square one. I mean I even told him that I appreciate everything he does for me but he just uses it to tell me he's too tired to do anything and I'm just freaking done. I hate my life it hurts trying to make something work and for someone to treat you fair and they just want to throw in your face what they do for you money wise. I get unemployment I pay for stuff too! I hate this so much I can't stop crying. Now he is going to be at work all day with his phone off like always and I am stuck here feeling like crap. I hate this so much you don't even know.

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I get unemployment because I was laid off. So I am looking for a job right now. But when I did work and he was unemployed all he did was sit on the couch all day. I clean and cook and have his dinner ready, do his laundry and everything. All he says about is I don't want you to feel like you need to do anything for me. I tried to tell him I do it because I care and thats what people do in relationships. When he comes home he doesn't want to do ANYTHING and I have started to accept that even, all I ask for him to do is walk and feed the dog. He can't even do that, he hardly wants to wash his own dishes after I COOKED FOR HIM. I can't stand this. I have to get out somehow I'm scared though. He'll probably come home and try to tell me he is breaking up with me and turn it around on me..I could be wrong but I don't know. I just feel so manipulated.

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What I will say is, don't break up with him while you're upset. If you break up with him, do it when you're calm and rational and thinking clearly. Not when you're thinking with your emotions. I know it sucks to have to remind a grown man to do these things, but your approach doesn't help any either. When you say things like, "You should have..." "You never do this..." "Why didn't you..." , he feels attacked and he will get defensive. Anyone would, whether they were in the wrong or not. So maybe he got defensive and seemed like he didn't care if he hurt your feelings, because you hurt his.

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Your bf is really unsupportive- if you are living together (at least in my opinion) that means sharing the chores. It worries me that you are scared of breaking up wrt to his reaction? He sounds quite 'passive-aggressive'. All comes together at a bad time, looking for a job these days is not easy. But you are a smart woman, and I am SURE there will be a good opportunity for you somewhere. Could you afford a studio/room?

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Coco you sound very unhappy in this relationship. I don't know if its because you are unemployed & going stir crazy or because your BF really is that lazy or both.I would be upset too if I asked my SO to do one thing and he says he will but then doesn't. As far as paying for your debt goes, he doesn't HAVE to do it, he obviously wants to but shouldn't throw it in your face! If that's the case then tell him "thanks but no thanks"I know you guys have talked about all these things before, if things aren't improving but only getting worse then I would suggest...either counseling (but you said he won't go) or taking a break from eachother. 7 yrs is a very long time & just walking away won't be easy....at the same time being ungrateful, lazy etc is very easy behavior to fall into..which I think might be the case here so like I said a break might help & both of you will have time apart to see if this relationship is something worth saving.

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my mom is telling me I'm wrong and I should be happy someone is there helping me and that I'm jut nagging and now I feel like its my fault like I always do. I always feel like everything wrong is my freaking fault. How can everything be my fault all the time, he even says everything is my fault. I'm tired of this

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my mom is telling me I'm wrong and I should be happy someone is there helping me and that I'm jut nagging and now I feel like its my fault like I always do. I always feel like everything wrong is my freaking fault. How can everything be my fault all the time, he even says everything is my fault. I'm tired of this

 

I don't agree with your mother. She's encouraging you to stay in an unhealthy relationship.

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If I do everything for him why does he bring up he "takes me out and pays for my bills"? as why he doesn't have to do something as simples as washing his own plate and walking and feeding the dog. I mean I do his laundry, cook, clean, walk feed the dog all the time...why can't he do two small things? I didn't ask him to pay my debt, he told me he wanted to..whats going on here?

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Ok.. so you live with him, he is paying off your debt with his money, and he didnt help you feed the dog or do the dishes. right?

 

WE LIVE TOGETHER and I get unemployment this apartment is mine its in my name....It sounds so trivial when you put it like that. I have ALWAYS worked throughout my life and throughout this relationship. I was laid off in October and I am getting unemployment until I get a job. I get only 300 or a bit more less than him. He lives with me too so yes he is helping pay my credit bills BECAUSE HE TOLD ME HE WANTED TO. Since I don't have a job right now I make sure dinner is ready when he gets home, I wash the clothes and put them away, I do the dishes, I walk the dog, I feed the dog, I grocery shop. I DO EVERYTHING. All I ask him to do is walk the dog and wash his own plate off when he's done eating. I used to ask him to take out the trash but got tired of asking. I don't ask him to do ANYTHING but those two things and he THROWS in my face he is helping me pay my credit cards when HE told me HE wanted to help. HE also said he would help out around the house BUT HE IS NOT. Does that sound like he is right?

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I don't really know how to answer, though I want to. On the one hand, I could join the usual ena bandwagon (advice on this forum usually goes something like "you're good, he's evil, dump him"). And there's some truth in that: from what you wrote, your bf is lazy & takes you for granted.

 

On the other hand, from what you wrote, you take him for granted too. You live in a place he pays for, let him help pay down your debt, then turn around & tell him how he never does anything for you. Yes, you didn't ask him to pay your way, but he does anyway because he cares, that's what people do in relationships (sound familiar?). The two of you are not understanding each other. You each see your own contributions, but not the other person's, which leads to friction.

 

Put yourself in his shoes. He goes to work, takes care of you financially, then gets a hard time when he tiredly gets home to rest while you've spent the day at home relaxing. Try to understand how that makes him feel.

 

Once you have, talk to him and try to put him in your shoes. You stay home because you have to - laid off from work. If that's not depressing enough, you take care of his housework, you cook for him, you clean up after him, you walk his dog and not only is your effort not being noticed, he won't even lift a finger to help. Try to make him understand how that makes you feel.

 

Once you're both on the same page, you should have an easier time working something out. Delineate responsibilities clearly: such & such amount from your income goes toward your shared apartment, but when he gets home the dog is his responsibility (feeding/walking) and he vacuums/cleans the floors/takes care of the dog on weekends while you do the rest of the housework. Make sure the arrangement is fair and enforce it until it becomes habit.

 

One thing you should NOT do is nag incessantly or make him the bad guy. That will trigger a defense mechanism and make matters worse. Try to handle the situation as you would with a coworker: be fair, set expectations, enforce.

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HE also said he would help out around the house BUT HE IS NOT.

 

When he said that, did you get specific? Don't let him get away with a generalized "I'll help around the house", make sure that conversation ends with a specific commitment. He'll take the trash out twice a week, he'l walk the dog at 8pm every evening. People are better at keeping specific commitments than they are at following up vague promises.

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I don't believe just because he is helping you pay your debt he is free of all chores around the house. If that was the case in every case then all stay at home moms should NEVER ask their SO to help with anything around the house. He lives there too and should help out, I mean walking the dog is not a huge chore.its not like you have no income coming in either. Did he ever help out with chores? or has this just started since he is helping pay off your debt?

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He volunteered to take the trash out everyday and guess what it never happened. We talked about after work and on the weekends he is responsible for the dog and guess what? He acts like the dog doesn't exist unless he is playing with him on the weekends. I always have to ask "can you take the dog out" or "The dog hasn't been out" I always have to feed the dog because he would just let the dog starve. Its freaking ridiculous. We have tried and talked about this a million times and he just says "Oh I forgot, Or Oh I was sleepy" He acts like when he comes home from work he body doesn't work anymore. He sits at a desk all day and I know that can be stressful, but too stressful to walk a freaking dog?! I don't think so. What happens when I find a job? He will still just make me do all the work like he has done before. Then what will be his excuse? That he things the woman should do it? That he things he shouldn't have to do anything? That he just doesn't feel like it?

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I don't believe just because he is helping you pay your debt he is free of all chores around the house. If that was the case in every case then all stay at home moms should NEVER ask their SO to help with anything around the house. He lives there too and should help out, I mean walking the dog is not a huge chore.its not like you have no income coming in either. Did he ever help out with chores? or has this just started since he is helping pay off your debt?

 

We talked about this before about how he wouldn't do any chores, and he said he knew he was wrong and he would do more such as washing the dishes, taking out the trash...then when I mention that he doesn't do it, like I did today...he acts like this. Like I shouldn't be telling him anything. Its a mess.

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well then stop being a doormat.

 

The next time he doesnt want to do the dishes, stick them in his bed or under his pillow.

 

or better yet talk to him about it and set firm rules. you arent going to 'tell him' anything by doing them for him anyway, and then yelling at him later for it.

Thats not going to accomplish jack.

 

Dont say 'if i dont do it then it will never get done' because thats exactly the kind of attitude that he is going to depend on you to have, and it sticks you with the bill everytime.

 

If you want to change something then change it, dont repeat the same tired cycle and expect different results.

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I don't believe just because he is helping you pay your debt he is free of all chores around the house. If that was the case in every case then all stay at home moms should NEVER ask their SO to help with anything around the house. He lives there too and should help out, I mean walking the dog is not a huge chore.its not like you have no income coming in either. Did he ever help out with chores? or has this just started since he is helping pay off your debt?

 

well then stop being a doormat.

 

The next time he doesnt want to do the dishes, stick them in his bed or under his pillow.

 

or better yet talk to him about it and set firm rules. you arent going to 'tell him' anything by doing them for him anyway, and then yelling at him later for it.

Thats not going to accomplish jack.

 

Dont say 'if i dont do it then it will never get done' because thats exactly the kind of attitude that he is going to depend on you to have, and it sticks you with the bill everytime.

 

If you want to change something then change it, dont repeat the same tired cycle and expect different results.

 

I'm tired of trying to change him, I'm done if he doesn't care enough to make things right I have to find a way to stop caring and get out of this relationship somehow, I say I'm scared of breaking up with him because I love him and will miss him and it will hurt but if someone doesn't care enough and tells you "DON'T TELL ME ANYTHING BECAUSE I HELP PAY THE BILLS" then they are a bad person and I need to find a way to be happy alone I hate my life so much.

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