CoCo2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 I pay my debts and save a little bit for an emergency. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 I never stated that I am not paying anything on my debts I am paying on them as well. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 I never stated that I am not paying anything on my debts I am paying on them as well. No, that isn't what i was suggesting. You said that when you asked him to put the money he is putting on your debt into savings instead he said no...i am saying that you could instead put the money that you are saving from him paying on your debt into a savings yourself. The amount would be the same. In other words if he is putting $110 a a week into your bills and you stated you didn't ask him to do that and could very well pay it off on your own, then you put the $110 you are saving by his helping and put that into savings for a house. Link to comment
metrogirl Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 What could/should he do at this moment to show you that he is commited? What exactly are you looking for him to do? Basically, what would be the things that he could do to make you say "oh ok, this is a true commitment from him to me"? Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 okay I understand what you are saying now. I can do that but what my issue is is that our future is so wishy washy....everyone here see's it and I can't seem to figure it all out. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 What could/should he do at this moment to show you that he is commited? What exactly are you looking for him to do? Basically, what would be the things that he could do to make you say "oh ok, this is a true commitment from him to me"? All I really want is for him is to tell me that he wants to put our money together to start saving for our future when we start making extra money. I don't mind have three separate accounts or him having his own accounts even , I just want him to express that he wants to save up together when we start making more money. And of course talk about our future together. Instead of waiting to see what happens. Link to comment
hers Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Coco everyone is understanding what you are saying. You want to save for the future. You want him to save for the future. You don't want frivolous spending on your part or his. But really what it boils down to is neither of you has communicated w/ each other properly & until you 2 learn to be on the same page & talk to each other & accept each other's faults & work thru problems with compromise & understanding, your relationship is not going to work. Link to comment
keenan Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 I still have the feeling this isn't really about money. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 Coco everyone is understanding what you are saying. You want to save for the future. You want him to save for the future. You don't want frivolous spending on your part or his. But really what it boils down to is neither of you has communicated w/ each other properly & until you 2 learn to be on the same page & talk to each other & accept each other's faults & work thru problems with compromise & understanding, your relationship is not going to work. I agree I feel like as long as we are fighting and arguing that even if he does want a future with me, he won't express it because of the way all these bad things are making him feel. For example I sometimes feel that he would be more open with me if we weren't arguing because he's not always feeling bad or upset about our arguments. Link to comment
Seymore Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 I have agreed to get our apartment in my name because he can't get one in his name. I have agreed to save the money in my saving account because he can't get a checking or saving account because his credit is so bad. I have agreed to save any extra money I make which I have. Well, that's respectable. Tell me - if his credit is so bad and you don’t need his help, why aren’t you telling him to worry about paying off his debt and spending his money on that to fix his credit? Does he really say "why bother saving if we're in so much debt" verbatim, or is that possibly your interpretation? If you are to have a future together, realize that no matter what, your credit will combine. That’s definitely something to think about for the future. I don't think you're very appreciative of his effort, BUT...I don’t think he’s right in giving you the money. It’s nice and all, but there is some severe miscommunication and lack of responsibility here, and if this is the case, he needs to stop farting around and giving you his money and spend it on paying off his debt. This is about both of you and your future, so you need to tell him "Stop giving me this money and work on your debt, I've got my stuff under control", for the sake of the future you're so worried about. Link to comment
hers Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 You have to stop fightign w/ him then. If you want him to be more open, he's going to have to see that he won't be in trouble with you everytime he opens his mouth. So far that seems that's all youir relationship is--him always in trouble for something & you always on his case. Have you don't anything anyone has suggested from your other threads regarding treating him better & not fighting? Link to comment
metrogirl Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 So in reality, he could just say....Coco, I love you and I'm looking forward to saving for our future? Because 4, 6, 15 months from now he could change his view of things. Telling you that he wants to save for the future doesn't guarantee anything. I had plans to save for my future too, and I'm no where near fulfilling that plan... I think you need to take a more relaxed approach to him and to the situtation. Since it appears that he was at least one time wreckless with his finances, maybe this is his way of getting you to help save for the future without him coming out and asking. If he comes off as he is going to be wreckless again, it might just make you take charge of the finances......Just my way of thinking. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 I could tell him that, our logic was that his debt is too far gone and he was planning on working with a lawyer or something. I'm not exactly sure how that works. Link to comment
Siriana Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Hm..... I believe you are upset because you guys live together but you don't have the sense of security. If you had a job would you feel the same? Probably you would feel safer if you didn't have separate accounts. But such things should be negotiated before moving in together. I don't think that just because you are not married separate accounts should be something that is considered normal - I mean 7 years is a long time, and you guys live together. It's practically marriage. But it should be discussed beforehand. And not having the same viewpoint on money puts a big strain on a relationship. Are you generally happy with him? Is there a chance you are just upset because you lost your job? Are you feeling bad because he's 30 and you don't see getting married in the picture? I am asking all these questions because I find it hard to believe this particular situation upset you that much. There must me more into it. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 You have to stop fightign w/ him then. If you want him to be more open, he's going to have to see that he won't be in trouble with you everytime he opens his mouth. So far that seems that's all youir relationship is--him always in trouble for something & you always on his case. Have you don't anything anyone has suggested from your other threads regarding treating him better & not fighting? yes, I have basically taken on all the housework and just stopped nagging all together. But again this happened and all my effort has gone out the window. Now I feel like I can't even trust his word. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 Alot of this has truth in it, I feel like we should have talked about it before but we were too immature. I feel like since things aren't going good we aren't going to be able to talk about it and follow it through because we aren't feeling good about eachother, we are really uptight and on edge with eachother lately. I feel like crap because I don't have a job and worked my way up in the job I was in so I made more money than I think I will make now if I go into the same position entry level. I feel like he is turning 30 this year and in the past he told me he wanted to have kids within the first 5 years of his 30's and its like we aren't even close to that yet, so is he planning on doing these things with another woman? So many questions in my head. No real answers. Link to comment
Siriana Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Eh...and you don't want to start asking questions because you might brake up then and you are not sure you really need a brake up and probably at the same time you are too drained to really work on a relationship. That's how I see it. Well I say since right now you have no idea what you really want to do give it some time till you end up being completely drained and having no other choice then dealing with what to do with your relationship. Concentrate on finding a job (any job) and then after few months when you get used on a new job start dealing with your relationship - till then try to do as much as you can to relax (I suggest little bit of physical activity). It's stressful being without a job and ending 7 years relationship on top of it is just too much. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 I have begun exercising and reading more and looking for jobs constantly to keep my mind off of things. Sometimes I think if things really get terrible I will decide if I want to even be in this relationship. I hope I can figure this out sooner than later. This is no way to live and I realize this. Link to comment
Seymore Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 So this IS about far more than the money. He hasn't even turned 30 yet - give him a break! And why would you want to bring a child into the world when you're both in financial turmoil? That's not good for either of you or the baby. Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Unemployment is hard on you and also on him... a stressful time. He may be informing you he intends to spend some money on himself in future so you don't get the idea that he will support your forever without a job... he may be scared that that will be your expectation since he has been doing it for the last 5 months since you lost your job, and he wants that clear. But if you are fighting constantly, you need to try this: For one week, just break the cycle of fighting and refuse to fight. If you get angry or upset, stop yourself and write down what made you angry. Start a list. He should do the same. Then you agree you will not fight about those things, just take a walk, watch TV, do anything to stop the bickering. Then once a week, you sit down with those lists, and read them to each other, and talk about what you can each do to improve the things that irritate you. If you've got little things, many of them won't seem important or worth fighting over, so let them go. And for the big things that crop up again and again, you need to each come up with a plan on how to solve it. He decides what he could do, and you decide what you could do, then you both negotiate what you can do to fix it. Bickering can be a nasty habit to fall into, and you both have to agree it can and will stop, and that you will negotiate rather than fight. If you absolutely cannot negotiate with him, then there is no hope and you need to just throw in the towel and move on. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 Of course I don't want to bring a child into the world right now. I'm not ready for that type of responsibility What I am trying to express is I don't want to waste my time on someone who see's no future with me is what I am saying. I'm not getting any younger I'm 28 this year. I'm getting older and I can't stay with a man who doesn't want to ever commit to me Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 I'll try this again, I tried before but I gave up like in 1 day Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 oh and there is no way he thought he would have to support me forever, I made it clear that I don't want that and that I am looking for work. I don't like to rely on others financially. Link to comment
Seymore Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Of course I don't want to bring a child into the world right now. I'm not ready for that type of responsibility What I am trying to express is I don't want to waste my time on someone who see's no future with me is what I am saying. I'm not getting any younger I'm 28 this year. I'm getting older and I can't stay with a man who doesn't want to ever commit to me What do you mean he's not going to ever commit to you? Has he cheated on you? Isn't he working on things? If he's giving you every last cent he's got, I've gotta tell you, he sounds committed and that he cares about you. Link to comment
Siriana Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 When I was little bit younger - I am 28 right now and back then I was maybe hm....not sure 24? I dated a guy for two years and at the time I left him he was 30. I had the very same agony with him. We were not living together but I found his ways immature and his spending quite weird regarding the level of maturity I expected from the 30 year old. And looking back at it now I was right. He was acting very immature for a 30 year old. I felt that the relationship was terrible and I was in agony for a year weather to leave him or not. So one day I just freaked out and left him out of the blue - couldn't stand him any more. The thing why it was out of the blue for him is because I tried voicing my concerns to him regarding the stuff we disagreed about (and they were essential deep rooted problems which required a very deep discussion and asking a question are we for each other?) and he never ever really took the things I said seriously - it never really got through his tick skull that I am having a problem with something. When I said it he immediately assumed that's it - there is nothing more to do about it. It's not that important. It doesn't really put a strain on a relationship. It just her telling me a very unimportant detail that has no long term significance. So there is a chance your bf sees issues you have not as a whole picture but as separate little annoyances that are not that important. Very common with immature guys who don't really consider getting married while you're dating them lol Perhaps you are just not right for each other. After all if you're 28 and you started dating him at 21 you had plenty of time to grow up, define your priorities and change your mind on how a relationship should look like. Yeah... I say find a job and then dump him lol Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.