lost1607307474 Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 This is why I have always kept my money separate from my boyfriend. And until we are perhaps married, or have children, and both have steady jobs - then I would be happy sharing money - but for now I like to keep it separate. If these issues are bothering you, then yes you should bring it up. You guys need to talk about it and draw some lines because it seems like you're both getting different ideas about what is happening with the money. Maybe the bottom line is that you shouldn't rely on him for your own finances? Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 i think if you have constant bickering, i can see why he is avoiding 'talks'... you should just try the making a list when you are irritated, and not fighting or bringing it up... Keep your list for a few weeks, and go for a few weeks without fighting, and he might be more willing to talk to you. make your first goal to just refuse to nag and fight. give yourself both a breather. it's obvious that fighting isn't fixing anything, so just stop for a while. Learn to count to 10 and let things go. after you have a job and things are less stressful, then you can start talking about improvements or your future again. but make a pact to stop fighting and nagging, because they dont' do anything but sour the relationship. Link to comment
hers Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 he told me he is tired of talking about our relationship and wants us to just be for a little while, he says we never go a day or two without talking about our relationship so I am a little nervous to bring it up again. why not just BE for now? what's the rush? Why can't it wait 2 weeks for you to talk about? Link to comment
Ac143 Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 he told me he is tired of talking about our relationship and wants us to just be for a little while, he says we never go a day or two without talking about our relationship so I am a little nervous to bring it up again. Then no dont bring it up. What do you say about your relationship every day or every other day? That would drive me nuts. I think the problem might be that you dont feel secure in this relationship & need to know where its heading. Which is giving you alot of aniexty over it. I think you should let it be, you are seeing progress. I would give it a month or so before bringing it up again & this time have specific questions that you need answers to. Right now take it day by day. If something bothers you though, you should bring it up but dont go looking for a fight. Link to comment
huskiesfan Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 he told me he is tired of talking about our relationship and wants us to just be for a little while, he says we never go a day or two without talking about our relationship so I am a little nervous to bring it up again. Ah, okay. When I say address the problems in the here and now, I didn't mean start talking about them now. I meant that you should take care of the problems going on now instead of worrying about where the relationship is going to go, that will fall into place with time. Like the other posters said, wait a while and then talk to him. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 I try to ask him about our future and where we are going etc....he says he loves me and he needs to see how we improve before we can talk about the future etc. He says I should see that he loves me and wants to work things out by the things he is doing such as helping me with my bills. I don't know what I should bring up and what I should just wait on anymore. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 Ah, okay. When I say address the problems in the here and now, I didn't mean start talking about them now. I meant that you should take care of the problems going on now instead of worrying about where the relationship is going to go, that will fall into place with time. Like the other posters said, wait a while and then talk to him. oh okay I understand Link to comment
Ac143 Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 oh okay I understand yes if you bring up your relationship & where its heading everyday....its almost just like nagging & he wont listen or take it seriously. Because its consistly the same thing over and over. Let this progress, improve on what you guys discussed & then talk about the future. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 What if things go well and then we talk later on and he acts like he doesn't want any commitment, then I have invested all my time and effort for nothing and I'm going to end up hurt anyway? I'm scared. Link to comment
huskiesfan Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 You don't know that though. Relationships are always a'changing, you never quite know whats going to happen. My guess is that he does want commitment, but he's probably unsure because of what's going on right now. If you guys just "be" for a while, he'll probably remember why he's with you in the first place. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 God I hope so Link to comment
Ac143 Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 What if things go well and then we talk later on and he acts like he doesn't want any commitment, then I have invested all my time and effort for nothing and I'm going to end up hurt anyway? I'm scared. Well 7yrs is a very long time to invest & its a scary thing if it doesn't work out, of course. Have you guys never talked about marriage before, in the 7yrs? If he tells you he doesn't want to commit then you need to decide what you want to do next. Will you be ok with not getting married & staying with him? If not, you will need to get the courage & leave. Its a deal breaker for alot of people (I am one of them), its unfortunate you were with someone for that long before getting this answer. Just focus on the NOW & make the best of the relationship, deal with that once you cross that bridge. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 he said he would want to marry me, but only if we weren't fighting all the time and things were stable. Link to comment
Honey Pumpkin Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 I try to ask him about our future and where we are going etc....he says he loves me and he needs to see how we improve before we can talk about the future etc. He says I should see that he loves me and wants to work things out by the things he is doing such as helping me with my bills. I don't know what I should bring up and what I should just wait on anymore. Wow, long thread! I think he sounds as though he is showing his love by helping you out financially, and trying. I think you should have a break from talking about the relationship, and maybe enjoying being with each other without analysing where it's going. Not forever, but maybe take a break from this, and focus on your job, and living together, and maybe try to appreciate what he's doing for you. I think he's showing a generosity of spirit here that is actually rather lovely; try to see it in that light, rather than dwelling on the future all the time, and how he should commit. To me, his actions do show his commitment to you. Link to comment
Seymore Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 What if things go well and then we talk later on and he acts like he doesn't want any commitment, then I have invested all my time and effort for nothing and I'm going to end up hurt anyway? I'm scared. What if a plane crashes into your house? It sounds like you're looking for things to go wrong now. What if things go well? Great! Good step in the right direction. You can ask yourself what if until the cows come home, and you can choose to focus on the negative or the positive. What if things go well and you talk later on and he acts like he DOES want commitment? Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Author Share Posted February 11, 2009 You guys are right Link to comment
savignon Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 I think any steps towards the future include paying off debt first and foremost and see his gesture as "working towards the future". If he has $200 one month and has the choice of "saving for your fututre" or putting it toward your debt....I see them as being completely equal. You can't get a loan for a house with a lot of debt so he IS working towards your future. And, he is probably made the comment about buying his own stuff out of frustration and look at your reaction.......then, think about how you posted out of frustration and look at people's reactions! See what I'm trying to say?? The reality is that you have different views about how to immediately spend extra cash, but they have the same intention....a debt free future so you can meet your goals of being home-owners!! Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 >>he said he would want to marry me, but only if we weren't fighting all the time and things were stable. You know, i think he is being clear about your future here. He's said he wants to marry you, IF you can stop fighting and get things stable. So he's telling you what need to happen to have a future together, and he is actually being wise because your future will be a BAD future if you all you do is fight, so what's the point about talking about it at all if you can't go for a month without a fight? So i'd just back off and make a commitment to stop nagging, and stop fighting. If you go a month without fighting and bringing up trying to pressure him about the future, he might be much more willing to talk to you. When someone tells you something is really important (like stopping fighting), then perhaps you should just do that rather than continuing to push him for more when he's already made it clear what needs to happen for you to consider marriage. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 11, 2009 Author Share Posted February 11, 2009 I agree with you BSBH I think this is very important, I just need to focus more on stop nagging etc.. and not let my negativity get the best of me. Link to comment
natural Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 I agree with everyone else. The way the economy is right now, you are very blessed to have a man in your life who is willing and able to help you out. Think of all the people who have lost their jobsd and have no one. You are extremely lucky! Link to comment
Rabican Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 you ever hear the phrase dont look a gift horse in the mouth? Hes HELPING YOU with your debt, if you dont appreciate it send him my way I could use the help... nevermind the fact that Im not gay... but If he wants to help with my debts maybe we can work out a deal lol. Im in the same boat right now, im paying down my fiance's CC bills because she is staying at home with our new baby. She had the cards from before she had to quit working... and I have told her pretty much the same thing, were paying down the debt, and then Im buying myself some stuff. New motorcycle here we come... but debt comes first. Link to comment
Rabican Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 That's an instant classic! I thought the same thing, for such a short line that was very well put, and makes a great point. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 I agree with you BSBH I think this is very important, I just need to focus more on stop nagging etc.. and not let my negativity get the best of me. I am glad you are finding the thread responses to be some benefit. If he has stated that he would like to build a future with you, but also stated the arguments need to settle down, then if you really want to build that future it is a good idea to also work hard to do your part. Relationships are free will entities - he could walk away at anytime, but he is saying he'd like to make it work if the arguments can come to a real slowdown. And flipping out if he states he might like to have some of his own money in the future after he helps pare down your date is not a very strong move in the right direction. Think before you freak out. This sounds so simple but SO many arguments could be avoided if people would not allow their frustration and stress to make them hyper and aggravated and start visibly showing this to their partner. The thing is i strongly doubt that his words meant he wanted to help you pay off your debt and then put his money in an account to suddenly get slack on paying his share of the bills and toss his money in the street on a daily basis. He probably just meant that on occasion he might like to use it to buy something for himself, and there is nothing wrong wtih that. If he were really looking to be that irresponsible he surely would not be helping you trim down your debt right now. Try to be careful not to project your own needs so much and to the point that you are not listening to his needs. Link to comment
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