CoCo2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 I never said I wanted his help forever, I just think if we are living together we should have a budget and not be selfish. I have paid for plenty of thing and I still do. Link to comment
SpaceGray Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 OP just chill. You would hate it too if your bf writes a thread about how you shouldn't spend on what you like. Link to comment
DN Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 OK - so instead of getting mad - start negotiating. Ask him to discuss with you (no demands) about how the two of you are going to manage your finances until you are married and after you are married and until you have a job and after you have a job. There are many ways to do it - merge all accounts, as my wife and I do, or have separate accounts and share the bills on an agreed basis. Or something else that you both agree to. You can agree how to budget, how the bills are paid and amounts for discretionary spending. Get some practical advice for a practical issue and stop getting so mad with each other. Negotiation and compromise - you really need to print that out in big letters and stick it on your fridge so both of you can stop the nonsense arguments that keep arising in your relationship. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 I don't think you understand. What I am saying is is that I am giving all of my unemployment money to the household as well. I'm not just sitting here with no money coming in. What I am saying is is that we live together and when two people are living together they should atleast put there money together to make sure all the bills are paid instead of saying okay I made more money and I can blow it on whatever. Thats irresponsible and selfish. I have never done that and I would never do that. Do you understand what I'm trying to explain? I find it peculiar that you assume that is what he plans to do simply because he wants his money separate. So...let me get this straight. Let's say you are putting 100 a week into the account and he puts in 600 (this is an arbitray amount) - he isn't supposed to be able to use any of this extra money the way he wants? Because you are a couple you feel there is some rule that the money HAS to be pooled into a joint account? Umm, no. That is not how eveyrone operates, particularly in this day and time. Sure, you pool bills and split them but NO it is not a given that all couples put all the money in one account. I don't do it even married. I will never lose my financial independence if i can help it. Why do you assume that if he isn't there iwth his money in an account you can see and manage that he will be irresponsible with it? These are issues you need to figure out. If you feel he would be that irresponsible without mommy helping to look in on things then maybe he is the wrong guy for you, and if he isn't like that, maybe you are not the right gal for him. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 Its not about what I would like... did you read the post? Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 this won't work, he won't work it out like this. We have too many problems and he won't work on them with me Link to comment
ProtestTheHero Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 It all boils down to this: When you react negatively to him wanting to use his own money for things he wants, we are going to assume (being on the outside and looking in) that you are now relying on him to furnish you with a certain lifestyle. From an outside perspective, it seems ridiculous that anyone would get angry over a person using their own money to buy what they want/need rather than using it to pay off someone else's debt. It's certainly not his responsibility to do that, and I don't see how it's an indicator of where the relationship's at. I have a lot of money -- family thing. Most guys are wired to be very defensive about this stuff because we don't want to be taken for a ride, and reactions like this will make us stop and question how much the $$ is an issue. I think the fact that you're already dismissing the possibility of an easy compromise (as proposed by DN) is more revealing of where you guys are at than anything else. Link to comment
huskiesfan Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 I kinda feel like I'm being misunderstood and attacked at the same time. Well, please help me to understand what you are trying to point out. From what you've said, it is clear that your boyfriend is contributing greatly towards helping you out. Do you want him to give up all of his money? If he is the only one working in the household, and he is already helping you out with whatever debt you have accumulated, he is entitled to do something for himself. Even if you two are planning on getting married, he is his own person, and doesn't have to have all of his money taken out of his control. I apologize if I seem like I am "attacking" you, that is not my intention at all. I am simply pointing out that your boyfriend is doing something very nice and very thoughtful to help you out, and it sounds like you are showing him very little gratuity. I was raised by a single mother growing up, and I quickly learned that any help that I got, no matter how big or small it is, was still something to be extremely grateful for. Its a shame that people don't think in those kinds of terms nowadays. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 I never said I wanted his help forever, I just think if we are living together we should have a budget and not be selfish. I have paid for plenty of thing and I still do. Evem when you clarify your point isn't well taken by most because it sounds like you think couples should give up their individuality, their money, etc...why is all of this necessary to make you feel secure? It's his earnings. It isn't a very good mindset in the opinion of most here. As DN suggested, compromise. Compromise doesn't seem to even be on the tip of your tongue and for some reason you think that if he doesn't share a bank account that he will be running around tossing his money in the streets and not paying his share of the bills. Unless he has a big history with this I find it shocking that you would assume such a thing - i mean this is a man helping YOU pay off YOUR debts when he doesn't have to yet you are angry that he might want to eventually be able to say 'ok i've helped with that, i'd like to stop that for now". Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 It all boils down to this: When you react negatively to him wanting to use his own money for things he wants, we are going to assume (being on the outside and looking in) that you are now relying on him to furnish you with a certain lifestyle. From an outside perspective, it seems ridiculous that anyone would get angry over a person using their own money to buy what they want/need rather than using it to pay off someone else's debt. It's certainly not his responsibility to do that, and I don't see how it's an indicator of where the relationship's at. I have a lot of money -- family thing. Most guys are wired to be very defensive about this tough because we don't want to be taken for a ride, and reactions like this will make us stop and question how much the $$ is an issue. I would probably be offended if I were a gold digger but I couldn't be farther from that. I just don't want to be the one paying for everything while he spends all his money on toys and clothes. Which has happened in the past. Now he is trying to redeem himself but from what he says its for a limited time only. I HAVE HELPED HIM FINANCIALLY AS WELL I JUST LOST MY JOB IN OCTOBER I WAS PAYING FOR EVERYTHING ON MY OWN. Link to comment
BettyG Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Based on what I'm reading, it sounds like he agrees that the priorities are pay bills, save for house, etc. BUT he also wants to retain his independence and spend SOME of the money he has earned for things he would like to buy. What is wrong with that? I hate to be harsh, but if I were him i would break up with you over how unreasonable you're being. I know you're saying you want to look towards the future, but it's like you're beating him up for things he hasn't even done yet. Look at what he's doing now. He's prioritizing. He's helping you with bills. He doesn't have to do any of this at all. You're telling him to grow up. I say look in the mirror. Link to comment
keenan Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Even if that is all true, her reactions are still inappropriate. I don't blame him for making it clear that i might be helping now, but i am not planning on doing this forever. Simmer down, JS. My point is that *in their own heads* people are very rarely being irrational. If her behavior makes sense to her but not to us, then it's partly our job to figure out how SHE is seeing this. Then maybe we can help her get from Point A to Point B. Besides, I think I can see where she's coming from. It might be the case that she wants some consistency from him ~ wants to know where she stands. It may be that he's helping her out now, but that he's reveling in that power a little bit and is waving it in front of her face to make her feel unsure about the future. He could be taunting her...although I don't really see that... But CoCo, from a practical standpoint, IN THE FUTURE (edited) it may make sense to have 3 accounts: yours, his, and a shared account that most of your money goes into and that bills get paid from. That way you each have 'free' money to spend on what you want. Link to comment
Seymore Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 I don't think you understand. What I am saying is is that I am giving all of my unemployment money to the household as well. I'm not just sitting here with no money coming in. What I am saying is is that we live together and when two people are living together they should atleast put there money together to make sure all the bills are paid instead of saying okay I made more money and I can blow it on whatever. Thats irresponsible and selfish. I have never done that and I would never do that. Do you understand what I'm trying to explain? Maybe I don't understand, but the general consensus is the same as what I'm feeling, so maybe there's a miscommunication? Not sure. I'm not saying you are sitting there with no money coming in. Is he paying his half? Let me ask you this - if he said "Ok, I'm not going to give you any money at all, but I'll pay my share of the bills and buy something here or there for myself", what would you say? Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 Maybe I don't understand, but the general consensus is the same as what I'm feeling, so maybe there's a miscommunication? Not sure. I'm not saying you are sitting there with no money coming in. Is he paying his half? Let me ask you this - if he said "Ok, I'm not going to give you any money at all, but I'll pay my share of the bills and buy something here or there for myself", what would you say? I would feel confused because he said that he wanted to use the extra money he makes for saving to get Supra key for Real Estate cut back on, and for us to save for the future. I don't know and to be honesty I can't even talk to him about it anymore because we are always fighting about something and I don't want to bring it up again anytime soon. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 being in a relationship with someone shouldn't be this hard and complicated, we are never on the same page. If he broke up with me I probably would feel relief....I would be sad but I'm tired of fighting and just wanting to be happy and in a normal place. I'm freaking tired of this bs Link to comment
JadedStar Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 No need for me to simmer down since i am not fired up. My point in my posts is to help point out to her why i think her posts are being responded to the way that they are - because she is the one who is fired up and not thinking this thru logically or rationally. Link to comment
DN Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 being in a relationship with someone shouldn't be this hard and complicated, we are never on the same page. If he broke up with me I probably would feel relief....I would be sad but I'm tired of fighting and just wanting to be happy and in a normal place. I'm freaking tired of this bsyes, but you keep saying that and when he does break up with you you get panicky and want him back. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 yes, but you keep saying that and when he does break up with you you get panicky and want him back. thats because I'm crazy Link to comment
JadedStar Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 I would probably be offended if I were a gold digger but I couldn't be farther from that. I just don't want to be the one paying for everything while he spends all his money on toys and clothes. Which has happened in the past. Now he is trying to redeem himself but from what he says its for a limited time only. I HAVE HELPED HIM FINANCIALLY AS WELL I JUST LOST MY JOB IN OCTOBER I WAS PAYING FOR EVERYTHING ON MY OWN. Does a man who helped pay a woman's bills that are not even his own debts sound like a man who will stick her with all the bills while he runs around buying toys? IF you say this to him like you have us, he mnight tell you shove it. I'd be very offended if this is what my partner thought about me wanting my money in my own bank account. WOW, i can't believe this man has been paying off your debt while you are only contributing 100 a week of unemployment money and you assume he can't wait to dance in the streets throwing his money away. I'd be asking myself long and hard why i am having this type of over reaction if i were you. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 thats because I'm crazy Well, i can't say that the things you have stated on this thread aren't sounding crazy. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 Does a man who helped pay a woman's bills that are not even his own debts sound like a man who will stick her with all the bills while he runs around buying toys? IF you say this to him like you have us, he mnight tell you shove it. I'd be very offended if this is what my partner thought about me wanting my money in my own bank account. WOW, i can't believe this man has been paying off your debt while you are only contributing 100 a week of unemployment money and you assume he can't wait to dance in the streets throwing his money away. I'd be asking myself long and hard why i am having this type of over reaction if i were you. Um I make more than 100 dollars a week. Also he has done this whole running around with his toys in the past while I struggled with bills. So should I see this as him changing for good or temporarily? What do I think about this if he has done it in the past? Link to comment
Seymore Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 I would feel confused because he said that he wanted to use the extra money he makes for saving to get Supra key for Real Estate cut back on, and for us to save for the future. I don't know and to be honesty I can't even talk to him about it anymore because we are always fighting about something and I don't want to bring it up again anytime soon. Ok, switch roles, then. He's unemployed, chipping in with his unemployment check, and you are giving him all of your extra money. You both understand that you're saving for the future. You want to buy some clothes or get a manicure, and he flips out. How would you feel? Not throwing anything in your face, just seeing how you'd respond. Is he using at least some of the extra money for saving? Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 Well, i can't say that the things you have stated on this thread aren't sounding crazy. maybe if you have been through all the bs I have been through you might be a bit more sympathetic but that is not what you are here for. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 Ok, switch roles, then. He's unemployed, chipping in with his unemployment check, and you are giving him all of your extra money. You both understand that you're saving for the future. You want to buy some clothes or get a manicure, and he flips out. How would you feel? Not throwing anything in your face, just seeing how you'd respond. Is he using at least some of the extra money for saving? that has been the case in the recent past and I didnt' get any mani's or pedi's because I knew we couldn't afford them. Link to comment
Seymore Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 So you're saying that in the current situation, he can't afford buying something for himself occasionally? How is he saving for your future then? Or is it supposed to be just one or the other, and not both? I'm confused. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.