CoCo2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 ^^ that seem cruel though, I don't want to be cruel to him you know? ugh Link to comment
Siriana Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 I didn't want to be cruel either. So I ended up being a miserable nervous wreck who couldn't stand him at times. I was postponing the decision just because he had no idea I wanted to leave him and that we were really not that compatible (I still wonder how on earth it slipped his mind) Not saying it was the best way to solve things but mostly in life we are less politically correct then on ena ;-) Link to comment
Seymore Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 No, just dumping him is not fair. I still believe it’s very ungrateful and immature to let him give you money and then complain about it, not to mention misleading to go for eight pages then reveal that the underlying issue is something else. There is a serious lack of communication that is dooming the relationship. I’m almost 30. My ex claimed in the beginning that she refused to move in until at least year 3. Before year 1 even, she was trying to move in with me. By the end of year one, she was taking me on day-long trips to look at wedding rings, and soon after was telling me that we could make marriage work with my meager salary supporting the both of us and her being a stay-at-home mom. I told her that I wanted to make more money and that if she was going to stay at home and not work, I definitely needed to wait because I had about $1,000 in debt to pay off as well, not to mention she had $2-3,000 herself, not to mention the issues she had. As it stood I was broke every month taking her out to eat. Did she see that as being responsible? No, she accused me of being scared to marry her, throwing in her unwanted two cents every so often about how I’m not ready. I got sick of explaining myself, and got sick of being badgered into doing something the relationship was NOT ready for, especially financially. Sure, I DID want to marry her at one point, but finances and her attitude (the latter by far) got in the way. Do you see your b/f as being serious about you? Yes, it’s been 7 years, I know. But honestly, the guy sounds like a good guy. Sit down with him and talk about the future - do NOT pressure him or guilt him to sway his response. Make him feel comfortable about being honest. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 I feel like if I try to ask him more questions he will go off, I think he needs time to sort out his feelings before I can even ask him what he wants anymore. I didn't mean to mislead anyone in this thread either. I do feel the way I posted about and its not because of something else, its all these things. Link to comment
Ac143 Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 This is definitely not just about money & sharing or not sharing accounts. 7yrs is a longgggg time to invest in a relationship & not be on the same page, can be very very frustrating. Sit down & have a heart to heart with him about everything. Tell him you guys NEED to work on this together (consider counseling) or its not going to work out. There is a lot of issues in this relationship, I dont even know where to begin, from the last post to this one. I think you need answers about your future together & really after 7yrs you have the right to know but you need to ask him & get direct answers. Then make a decision on what to do next. Do you want to get married to HIM? Does he want to get married? If so, when? 1yr, 2yrs - 5yrs? If you dont get on the same page, this relationship will end - one way or another. Not asking him or no talking to him will build up more resentment, frustration & aniexty. Its like you both are walking on eggshells.... Link to comment
huskiesfan Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Yeah... I say find a job and then dump him lol She should definitely not do that, given what he's done for her so far. That would be a cheap shot IMO. Coco, you should at least talk to him and get some relationship counseling before it has to get to that stage. You are right, dumping him after he helped you get out of debt would be extremely cruel. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 I have done a lot for him as well, just so you know. Link to comment
Ac143 Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 I have done a lot for him as well, just so you know. Ok so? Now what? You been in this relationship for 7yrs, Im sure you both have done alot in that time for eachother. Coco - you dont seem happy, Im not sure if its the relationship bringing you down or being unemployed or both. You need to figure out what you want out of your life, start planning what you want & talk to him - get on the same page. Nothing will change if you dont do something about it! Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 so I should try and talk to him again tonight? when he gets out of work? Link to comment
Siriana Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 She should definitely not do that, given what he's done for her so far. That would be a cheap shot IMO. Coco, you should at least talk to him and get some relationship counseling before it has to get to that stage. You are right, dumping him after he helped you get out of debt would be extremely cruel. I am not saying she should dump him after he pays her debts of. She should consider leaving him after she finds a job because not having a job and not having a relationship would be very stressful. And if she decided to leave him she could always repay that money to him. I would. It's not about the money or squeezing money out of him - it's about if in doubt wait a little bit and do not add some more stress on the top of the stress of being unemployed. Link to comment
Ac143 Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 so I should try and talk to him again tonight? when he gets out of work? Do you know what you want? Do you know what the problem is? Or are you going to talk to him about this "money" issue that's not really the issue? Link to comment
Kiteless Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 I agree with everyone here that this isn't about the money. However, I am confused as to what you want from him. He is helping you out, which IS investing in your future. If he is working on a bankruptcy, then paying his debt down makes no sense. There is absolutely nothing at all wrong for him to want to keep some of his money for his own. It is unrealistic to think that when you are in a long term relationship that it magically becomes "our money" and everyone is ok with that. Everyone should be able to keep part of their salaries so they can do things that they want to do. If I want to go out and buy myself a video game, or buy some shoes, or whatever, I shouldn't have to ask my guys if it is ok. Will I go out and spend ALL my extra money? No, I am way more mature than that, and I will be honest, it seems that your boyfriend is mature enough not to do that also. If he wasn't he certainly wouldn't have offered to help you. If he is working towards a bankruptcy, that is at least trying to work on a solution to HIS debt issues because getting a Chapter 7 (where you are totally absolved of all your debt) is nearly impossible nowadays. He will most likely have to work out payments to pay off a portion of what he owes. I think you really need to take a step back and re-evaluate what you expect out of a relationship. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be "in it together", however it is possible you have some unreasonable expectations. Also, I know you are out of a job currently, but when you do find work, you may want to look into counseling. It can really help sort out where you are in life, and maybe it could help you get to the bottom of the problems you are having. Link to comment
huskiesfan Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 I have done a lot for him as well, just so you know. Mmhmm, I know, not saying you haven't. I just believe that if you two aired out your issues and went to relationship counseling, you would not have to get to the stage at where you're thinking about ending the relationship. A 7 year relationship is a long time to be together, and you two should do all you can to prevent the relationship from tanking now. I think the state that the relationship is in now is preventing your bf from making any plans for the future as far as you two go because he doesn't know what kind of ground its going to be on in the near future. I think the number 1 thing you two should do is acknowledge that both of you have done things to make the relationship toxic, and to clean it up. I believe this relationship can become a good one again if you two are willing to sort through and fix the issues. Link to comment
huskiesfan Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 I am not saying she should dump him after he pays her debts of. She should consider leaving him after she fins a job because not having a job and not having a relationship would be very stressful. And if she decided to leave him she could always repay that money to him. I would. Ah, okay. Misunderstanding on my part. Still, something tells me this relationship can be fixed. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 this is what I want, US to work on things and I want him to open up to me about what he wants. I feel like until we get along better and stop arguing we can't get to the big things and work them out. I just want us to get back to the basics of being happy together and in harmony in the household, I feel like then we can work out our future. Link to comment
Siriana Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Ah, okay. Misunderstanding on my part. Still, something tells me this relationship can be fixed. Oh, of course I can't know for sure what's the best. I am just making conclusions based on my experiences. It is quite possible they could get back to being happy. Basically I am saying dumping him is a solution that is not a mean or unfair one if she's being tragically unhappy. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 Oh, of course I can't know for sure what's the best. I am just making conclusions based on my experiences. There is quite possible they could get back to being happy. Basically I am saying dumping him is a solution that is not a mean or unfair one if you're being tragically unhappy. I understand what you are saying Link to comment
huskiesfan Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Oh, of course I can't know for sure what's the best. I am just making conclusions based on my experiences. It is quite possible they could get back to being happy. Basically I am saying dumping him is a solution that is not a mean or unfair one she's being tragically unhappy. Mmhmm, only the people in the relationship know whats the best. I suppose it just goes with the circumstances. Link to comment
huskiesfan Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 this is what I want, US to work on things and I want him to open up to me about what he wants. I feel like until we get along better and stop arguing we can't get to the big things and work them out. I just want us to get back to the basics of being happy together and in harmony in the household, I feel like then we can work out our future. definitely. You and him should worry about the here and now in this case, because what happens now can definitely impact your future together. If you let him know that your open to working things out, he'll probably open up to you. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 he told me a couple of weeks ago he wanted to work things out. So I need try to work on today and take it one day at a time? Link to comment
huskiesfan Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 he told me a couple of weeks ago he wanted to work things out. So I need try to work on today and take it one day at a time? Sure. Just try to tackle the problems that are going on now, before you worry about where you guys take the relationship in the future, because it seems like some of these issues are very pressing, and need to be addressed soon. Link to comment
Ac143 Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 he told me a couple of weeks ago he wanted to work things out. So I need try to work on today and take it one day at a time? What did he say he wants to work out? What did you say you want to work out? Did you guys have specific things? And how will these things be solved? Have you seen any progress? Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 He said he wanted to work on being more considerate about household things such as cleaning up after himself, and being more romantic together. I said I was going to stop nagging about him not doing things around the house and let him do it on his own time. I have seen small changes. Now with the money situation and our future nothing has been resolved. I don't know how to bring these up and I don't know when I should bring these things up. Should I bring them up tonight? Should I give it time? I don't know what to do. Link to comment
hers Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Coco, if he's making the effort to do the little things, give him time to start doing the big things. It seems like you are, again, just looking for htings to be on him about. You have to stop doing that. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 he told me he is tired of talking about our relationship and wants us to just be for a little while, he says we never go a day or two without talking about our relationship so I am a little nervous to bring it up again. Link to comment
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