JadedStar Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 maybe if you have been through all the bs I have been through you might be a bit more sympathetic but that is not what you are here for. No, I'm not. You are correct. i am here to try to deliver some rational advice. I could give you sympathy, but that wouldn't help your situation at all. If things with this man were that crazy as you say i'd have to call it a day at some point. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 I'm saying that he basically said when he starts making MORE money and he will have enough to save that he wants to keep it to himself and leave me out of it. While 4 months ago he said he wanted us to combine our income in order to afford more things together. Such as a home, and to pay bills etc... I am going to be getting a job soon also. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 No, I'm not. You are correct. i am here to try to deliver some rational advice. I could give you sympathy, but that wouldn't help your situation at all. If things with this man were that crazy as you say i'd have to call it a day at some point. I agree, and this is why I have been evaluating everything lately to make up my mind on if its that time to call it a day and just deal with the pain and hurt of the relationship ending. Link to comment
huskiesfan Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 I'm saying that he basically said when he starts making MORE money and he will have enough to save that he wants to keep it to himself and leave me out of it. While 4 months ago he said he wanted us to combine our income in order to afford more things together. Such as a home, and to pay bills etc... I am going to be getting a job soon also. Could be his way of saying "Now that you are going to be able to contribute an equal share towards the home and bills, I'm not going to put all of my money towards it." Which is fair, just as long as your able to spend some of your money too. If it ends up that you're giving up all your money and he's spending his free money on frivolous things, then it's an issue. But there's no way of telling if he's going to do that or not at this point. I'm strongly tempted to think the latter. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 Could be his way of saying "Now that you are going to be able to contribute an equal share towards the home and bills, I'm not going to put all of my money towards it." Which is fair, just as long as your able to spend some of your money too. If it ends up that you're giving up all your money and he's spending his free money on frivolous things, then it's an issue. But there's no way of telling if he's going to do that or not at this point. I'm strongly tempted to think the latter. exactly and there is no way for me to figure it out right now and its scary to be with someone who would be that way. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 I'm saying that he basically said when he starts making MORE money and he will have enough to save that he wants to keep it to himself and leave me out of it. While 4 months ago he said he wanted us to combine our income in order to afford more things together. Such as a home, and to pay bills etc... I am going to be getting a job soon also. Thing is, you don't have to put all of your money into a joint account and never have any for yourself to spend just because you are saving for a house. Him having his own account has little to no bearing on whether or not he still will save some money for a home in the future. I can't blame him. You said he stated you sound ungrateful because you are upset that he doesn't want to always put his money towards paying off your bills, and i think the overwhelming consensus based on response here is that we think he is correct in that mode of thinking. Getting married doesn't mean you lose your identity and that includes never being able to bank your own money and never spend it on anything but mutual bills or the bills of your partner. If he ends up feeling like that i am sure he'll never feel very happy in this situation. But your recent posts on this thread show you are not even happy with him, or the relationship, thus I am not sure why the surprise that he might also feel the same and at some point want his money banked separately. Link to comment
Seymore Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 I'm saying that he basically said when he starts making MORE money and he will have enough to save that he wants to keep it to himself and leave me out of it. While 4 months ago he said he wanted us to combine our income in order to afford more things together. Such as a home, and to pay bills etc... I am going to be getting a job soon also. Ok, I'm still lost. If you have a home together in the future, he's going to have to pay the bills, right? If you'll have a job and be making money, what's wrong with chipping in on your end and him chipping in on his end - why does he have to give all of his money? You can still afford the same things together. You can buy yourself a car, for instance, he can buy his own. What's the harm in that? And whether you have a joint or separate accounts, why get so worked up over this? It sounds like you're making a mountain out of a molehill? Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 I don't have a problem with him doing what he wants to do, but I think if you are in a long term relationship you should atleast tell the person you are with where you stand. I don't understand why I have to practically beg him what he really wants then a few months later find out he wants something different. Its like dude tell me what you really want so we can decide if we are compatible instead of constantly playing games. And once again I don't want all his money to go towards paying my bills. I have been paying all of my bills on my own for 10 years I don't need him. I want him to want to build a future with me and if he doesn't all I want him to do is tell me and stop changing his mind every few months. Why is that such a bad thing? Link to comment
FreedomRing Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Based on your other thread about '7years and still no marriage' or whatever the title...I don't see this issue having to do with the money contributions, but MORESO, you're trying to use this issue as a way to gauge his actual interest and commitment to marrying you. When you strip this conflict down, you're right back to facing the same issues you were battling in the other thread. Also, according to you, if his logic and spending habits don't make sense to you, or you don't agree...why would you even want to plan a future with a guy like this? Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 Based on your other thread about '7years and still no marriage' or whatever the title...I don't see this issue having to do with the money contributions, but MORESO, you're trying to use this issue as a way to gauge his actual interest and commitment to marrying you. When you strip this conflict down, you're right back to facing the same issues you were battling in the other thread. Also, according to you, if his logic and spending habits don't make sense to you, or you don't agree...why would you even want to plan a future with a guy like this? It has to do with figuring out if I do want a future with this guy, I mean its hard to just say okay Its done after 7 years, I'm trying to evaluate things first before just walking away and being hurt. Its going to hurt really bad if we break up I can already feel it. Link to comment
Seymore Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 And once again I don't want all his money to go towards paying my bills. I have been paying all of my bills on my own for 10 years I don't need him. Well, then tell him to stop paying your bills, then - starting today. What's so hard about that? Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 I never said it was hard he said he wanted to help. I'm not making him pay them. I just want us to invest in our future and if he doesn't want to I want to know. Does that make sense? Link to comment
FreedomRing Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 It has to do with figuring out if I do want a future with this guy, I mean its hard to just say okay Its done after 7 years, I'm trying to evaluate things first before just walking away and being hurt. Its going to hurt really bad if we break up I can already feel it. Of course breaking up with someone is never easy..... However, it seems that you base your sentiments and everday regard on how well your relationship is going at the moment, and dissecting every move your bf makes....so what hurts more? Constantly second-guessing, the emotional train-wreck of a relationship, raging insecurities, etc?? Truthfully, I think you need to step back from each other bc this thread along with the countless others you've posted, all point at this relationship being very toxic, and that you're unhealthy for each other. You say sometimes you wish he would just break up with you so you wouldn't have to go thru this anymore, but similar to this money issue, when do you take charge of your own life? Link to comment
Seymore Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Whenever he feels like he is tired of helping he will just stop whenever he feels like it. I was just reading this. It sounded to me, at least, like he will stop when he feels like you're on your own two feet again, not just when he feels like it. I mean, what's the point in helping you out when you - as you said - don't need it? Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 I don't know I guess I wish there was a way for us to be together I guess I don't know how to ever let go. I can't let go....I have talked to my mom and I have went over it in my head 1 million times, and I can't let go. Whats wrong with me? Link to comment
Seymore Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 I never said it was hard he said he wanted to help. I'm not making him pay them. I just want us to invest in our future and if he doesn't want to I want to know. Does that make sense? But coco2009, it sounds like you're not NOT making him pay them either. I may be wrong, but you're letting him. If money and investing in the future is such a big deal to you, why let him give you all of his money if that could be better invested elsewhere? And if you don't need the help, have you suggested "I'd rather you take this money and invest some of it into our future"? May I ask what you personally have invested in your future together? What have you brought to the table? Link to comment
hers Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Coco, you need to get yourself some counseling. You are co-dependent & controlling. That is no way to be if you want a healthy relationship. Link to comment
FreedomRing Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 I don't know I guess I wish there was a way for us to be together I guess I don't know how to ever let go. I can't let go....I have talked to my mom and I have went over it in my head 1 million times, and I can't let go. Whats wrong with me? Sounds like you're addicted to this dramatic relationship, and him. A counselor is definitely someone you would probably benefit from....have you see one before? Keep in mind, that unless you get to the root of your issues, most likely, they will continue to resurface, no matter who you're with... Link to comment
JadedStar Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 But coco2009, it sounds like you're not NOT making him pay them either. I may be wrong, but you're letting him. If money and investing in the future is such a big deal to you, why let him give you all of his money if that could be better invested elsewhere? And if you don't need the help, have you suggested "I'd rather you take this money and invest some of it into our future"? May I ask what you personally have invested in your future together? What have you brought to the table? i TOTALLY agree. if she doesn't want or need for him to pay her bills I don't understand why she still lets him do it and has not said 'instead put that money in savings for a house". Link to comment
FarthestEdge Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 "Growing up' is not defined by doing what your partner wants you to do. I agree with Keenan Classic. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 But coco2009, it sounds like you're not NOT making him pay them either. I may be wrong, but you're letting him. If money and investing in the future is such a big deal to you, why let him give you all of his money if that could be better invested elsewhere? And if you don't need the help, have you suggested "I'd rather you take this money and invest some of it into our future"? May I ask what you personally have invested in your future together? What have you brought to the table? I have agreed to get our apartment in my name because he can't get one in his name. I have agreed to save the money in my saving account because he can't get a checking or saving account because his credit is so bad. I have agreed to save any extra money I make which I have. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 i TOTALLY agree. if she doesn't want or need for him to pay her bills I don't understand why she still lets him do it and has not said 'instead put that money in savings for a house". why are you judging me with out asking me. I have made that suggestion and he says why even save up if we have all this debt..his and mines. What I am talking about is our future. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 why are you judging me with out asking me. I have made that suggestion and he says why even save up if we have all this debt..his and mines. I am saying the same thing to you that seymour said (and others in so many words). I am not judging you - if you have done this, why have you gone this many pages without having said that when i was not the first person who asked the question? Still yet, I AGREE with him. I would not be saving for a home until my debt was paired down and gotten under control. This isn't about judging. None of the responses are. You can't ask a question on a forum then when you get responses say they are judging you. They are what you asked for...our take on it. Link to comment
CoCo2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 no one understands what I am really trying to say, I shouldn't have posted this here. You seem hostile towards me for no reason. I don't understand Link to comment
JadedStar Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 You also could take that money you are saving by not paying on your debts that he is paying and put it in a savings account set aside yourself (for a house) even if he isn't. The concept is the same regardless if he says he doesn't want to save until the debt is paid off or not...if you truly have the money and intend to pay your own debt, instead put the money you are saving by him paying it in a separate savings account. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.