Would you have a hard time if your b/f was raising a child that is not his?

[agatha]

muneca, put yourself on the kid's place. imagine yourself exactly on her shoes, with bio mommy not giving a damn, and being alone with daddy, while everyone else has mommys and daddys.

 

now picture your bf, talking about you to her. how it's going to be great to have a new mommy, and that even if at first you are not friends, it will come with time. can you feel the fear, and the anxiety, and the hope in that frail little heart? the desire for caring and acceptance?

 

truly, if you can't give the kid a chance, let the guy go. it looks too painful for all the 3 of you. you, because you know you should love the kid, him because he wanted you to love him/her, and the kid because she/he NEEDED it.

[annie24]

He said he never loved the childs mother, but I think that he probably took responsiblity for this child out of love for the childs mother and that makes me mad/jelouse.

 

ok - well i don't know this guy, but i think he took responsibility of the child for the child's best interest. if he knows the mother has drug addiction problems, and the child's biological father is god-knows-who, then who else will love and raise this child if not him? i think he was thinking about what is best for the little girl, and saw that he was the only adult in her life who would take care of her.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

ok - well i don't know this guy, but i think he took responsibility of the child for the child's best interest. if he knows the mother has drug addiction problems, and the child's biological father is god-knows-who, then who else will love and raise this child if not him? i think he was thinking about what is best for the little girl, and saw that he was the only adult in her life who would take care of her.

 

 

I was thinking the same thing. I suspect he wanted to give this child a chance in life and didn't want that child growing up like many other children of drug addicted parents. I think what he has done is commendable and I think your jealousy is misplaced. I am not sure how long you have been seeing this guy and when he actually moved in with you...but why the jealous feelings now when you didn't have them when you first started dating. What has changed?

[villie]

i think that act of kindess shows what a great man he really is. To fight for custody and win it over the birth mother shows how much he loves this child even though its not biologically his.

 

i can see where your coming from. It would be difficult to see someone with a child - and there isn't the love/bond there for you and this child as there is with him. But why does the fact that its not his bother you? It is his legally. This shows great characteristics in a man. Not many out there like this.

 

FOr some woman, seeing a man with a child, being that way, makes their hearts melt, they go 'awwww'. do you have that when you see him trying to make her smile or something? maybe try spending the day at the zoo. the kid aint gonna try and come to you, youve got to make some effort in showing you care, and have interest in them, they get amused by small thigns at that age, so something simple is easy enough.

[BellaDonna]

This is his daughter. Blood means nothing, loves means everything.

 

It's "ok" not to want to date someone who has children. But I wouldn't question his choice to accept this little girl as his own.

[anonimo]

I can only reiterate what so many others have said, it takes a big man to do something like that. Remember this little girl is not at fault, she's a little girl and as uncomfortable as it may make you she needs love. If you feel that that can't happen then you might need to move on.

[dreamwarrior]

Come on...poor child...geez her mother runs off and being raised by two people not of her own blood and then on top of that you don't even like her...for gods sakes it's an innocent child who never asked to be brought into this world...thank goodness for your bf...he is a wonderful man to care for her and not even care whether she is his or not...your a lucky woman to have such a man...shows good character.

 

I say cheers to him ...thumbs up !

 

Believe me kids are very intuitive and will know that you don't like her and you had better be careful because that may cause resentment between you and your bf.

 

Best of luck to you.

[wastedlove]

it sounds like their is now way round it, no advice will help you because you either accept the situation or you dont, you say the mother has drug issues and could not care less, would you prefer this little girl was being lokoed after by the the mother that run away or by you and your boyfriend who can offer her so much more?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

No one can discount how strong love is for a baby one raises from birth, which he has done with this child. Doesn't matter who the mother is, and may have nothing to do with the woman at all. I love my dogs that i raised from puppies so strongly that i would kill anyone who attempted to hurt them, and certainly his love for his child is as strong. I certainly didn't love the puppy's mother, so your fear/jealousy of the child's mother really isn't accurate. His love for the child is strictly love for the child, and the mother has nothing to do with it anymore.

 

But the important thing is that if you can't love this child, you can never make a happy family with him, and the child isn't going anywhere, so you may need to leave.

 

Your other alternative is to attend family counseling with him and the child, to try to learn what you need to learn to love and bond with the child. You should probably try that first, and if you don't overcome this and bond with the child, you will have to leave and go find someone else without a child in the picture.

[Muneca]

I guess it all comes down to that I feel he should have let this childs mom take care of her own responsibility! Before he moved in I did not spend so much time around his daughter ( grandma was with her most of the time) and now its hard because she needs so much attention and is way too spoiled. My b/f has no contact with this childs mother. Thanks for all your responses and advice.

[JadedStar]

Wow! Ladies take notice. Want a definition of what a REAL man is? Look no further than this guy.

 

Absolutely. I'd feel a bit ashamed of myself making this a problem. I think it shows an extraordinary amount of character.

[JadedStar]

I guess it all comes down to that I feel he should have let this childs mom take care of her own responsibility! Before he moved in I did not spend so much time around his daughter ( grandma was with her most of the time) and now its hard because she needs so much attention and is way too spoiled. My b/f has no contact with this childs mother. Thanks for all your responses and advice.

 

This isn't even your call. You two are only dating and he has raised this child five years. If i were in his shoes and you said these things to me, i'd likely send you packing.

 

It sounds a bit cold and selfish to want a child who was raised with a man as her father for five years to be sent back to a mother who neglected her and whom she doesn't even know just to make your life a bit easier.

 

You might want to self examine that. And in the meantime if you don't want to help with this child, and that is your right - i don't want to raise anyone's child either - your ONLY option is to leave. Based on the level of character and kindness this man has he wilL NEVER send his daughter (yes, HIS daughter!!!!! You haVe to get over this, she is his) back to that unfit mother of hers.

[avman]

I guess it all comes down to that I feel he should have let this childs mom take care of her own responsibility!

 

Well but the childs mother didn't do it. And the child was the one who suffered for it. So your boyfriend stepped up and gave this child exactly what she needed - a loving parent.

 

Now as for being spoiled that is hard for me to comment without more information. But young children do indeed require lots of work and attention. That's true regardless of circumstance or biology.

 

Perhaps you just aren't comfortable dating someone with children. There's nothing wrong with that. That's just how you feel. But that's something you need to come to terms with one way or the other. If you aren't comfortable with it, then perhaps it is time to end the relationship.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

The bottom line is it is what it is, regardless of why and what happened in the past. He has this child, and is her legal father, so you either accept both him and the child, or recognize you don't want to be this child's stepmother. If you can't accept her, then you need to move on.

[JadedStar]

OP - in a nutshell you need to treat her as this man's own flesh and blood. He has custody of her and it is his child. This is no different than if she were his own biological child. If you do not want to date a man with children, that's fine, but you can't decide that he should send her back becAuse you wanted to date a childless man. Find a childless man if you don't want the responsibliity.

 

HE sounds like a gem and will likely be snatched back up by someone very quickly anyway.

 

If she is five, it isn't that she needs so much attention outlandishly - five year olds can be a handful even when raised in the best of households.

[shikashika]

I still wonder if it has anything to do with him having a child at all.

 

I do think this guy is amazing for taking care of a child that is not biologically his, but I wonder if the OP would be completely OK with it if it was his biological child?

 

Would that make a difference to her, or it would it still bother her that he had a child.

 

I'm actually looking back through the thead to find out where he finds out it was another man's child? He said the dates were off, but is he sure it was not him. Even if the girl ran off with an older man, does it make it HIS.. or was it another guy?

[JadedStar]

I do not think it is really about the child, it is about the mother. She said she was jealous that he had a relationship with the mother, the child is the scapegoat.

 

Very uncool even if...we all if past the age of 18 have normally had prior relationships..and sometimes they produce offspring. Even if this is not biologically his child, it very well COULD have been since they had sex.

 

If she would be okay with it if the child were biological....not to try to sound mean but that is just plain cold and unreasonable. It sounds like the child is legally his whether it was his sperm or not that led to the conception.

 

I could have much more compassion of the situation if it were primarily a case of not wanting to be in a relationship where you have to raise someone else's child. Surely many people feel that way, myself included. To be this picky over it not being his and being okay if it was, is really a petty issue.

Sorry to sound so blunt about it but if this were the only gripe and i were him it would be a dealbreaker for me.

[DN]

I know this is terrible and that is why I am asking for some advice.

Please remember that the OP is looking for constructive advice and not for condemnation. She has already said she knows her feelings are terrible and wants to know how to overcome them.

[JadedStar]

My posts are an attempt to help her see why this is perhaps unreasonable, and if it really is not just the case of a child being the issue, perhaps she can better see why it being biological or not is moot.

It is also an attempt to explain that if she brings it up to HIM this way, he might very well say this isn't going to work..many parents would find this gripe offensive. IF i were her i would not bring it up to him and act like he should send this child packing back home to mom. That would likely destroy this relationship.

 

Maybe if she did grasp that, it could save this relationship...because if she can't get past that one detail, this won't last.

 

To play devil's advocate, what if he and a former spouse adopted a child, and he won custody. Would she still be upset over the genetics? If not, then this is a case of jealousy over the mother and like others suggested, not even about the child.

 

OP, if this were a legally adopted child where she nor he were biological parents and he won custody for whatever reason, would you still find this as concerning? This day and time many more fathers are winning custody battles and/or raising their child because the mother didn't want the responsibilty.

[DN]

Moderator Note: Please remember that the OP is looking for constructive advice and not for condemnation. She has already said she knows her feelings are terrible and wants to know how to overcome them.

[blue69]

It is normal to have emotional reactions. Even negative ones.

 

Well how do you overcome negative feelings? First acknowledge them. Acknowledge them as negative. Then make a decision to try and change. Don't expect miracles. Don't expect the feelings to simply go away or change overnight. Be patient with yourself and focus on turning this around.

 

Your feelings come accross as insecure and jealous. Two very strong negative emotions that have destroyed many relationships in this world. They are hard to put into check, but once you do, you will feel a lot better about yourself. When you control negative emotions you might tend to feel better about yourself.

 

We choose people in our lives. Choice is much more powerful than genetics.

[DN]

I understand DN, she has to undestand WHAT she is feeling and WHY. It is trying to get her to think if it is even about the child at all and maybe get some therapy or something. It would be shame to give up a great man over jealousy, KWIM?

 

There are plenty of posts condemning her feelings. She already knows that her feelings are terrible and why. She understands that and constant repetition and criticism isn't telling her anything she doesn't already know.

 

What she isn't getting is much help or advice in how to get past those negative feelings so she can save her relationship. If people keep bashing her she isn't being helped - just bashed.

[whes]

We choose people in our lives. Choice is much more powerful than genetics.

 

He choose this little girl because he loves her, not because of who her mother is. Try, if you can, to separate the girl from her mother and see her for herself, rather than as a reminder of a past relationship. It can be really hard to share a man's love with someone else, but it sounds like his heart is certainly big enough for the both of you, if you can learn to accept his daughter.

 

When you look at her, try shoving the image of his ex out of your mind: she was the unfit mother who abandoned her child, so she wouldn't've been a good mother anyway. Try and see who this little girl is. What does she like to do? Is she good at drawing? What's her favourite animal? Colour? Does she like stories? I think if you focus on developing a relationship with her, and finding out who she is, that your feelings of jealousy and insecurity might start to fade.

[Muneca]

I think my problem is that he has a child I have to deal with ( too spoilded and always gets her way) . If it was his "BLOOD", I would have an easier time with it cause I could see a little of him in her but its not like that at all.. I would never ask him to choose me over this child nor take her back to the looser mom ( just a dream thats not going to come true). Like you guys have said, I have to except both or move on. I am not sure at this point what I will do but thank you all for your input.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I think my problem is that he has a child I have to deal with ( too spoilded and always gets her way) . If it was his "BLOOD", I would have an easier time with it cause I could see a little of him in her but its not like that at all.. I would never ask him to choose me over this child nor take her back to the looser mom ( just a dream thats not going to come true). Like you guys have said, I have to except both or move on. I am not sure at this point what I will do but thank you all for your input.

 

Well, as far as you are concerned, she is blood. In fact, it is thicker than blood because he isn't obliged to do anything. He CHOOSES to take responsibility. Good man. His connection to her is stronger than just "his sperm created her, he's stuck with her." She means a lot to him.

 

You dream about him giving the child to a druggie mom? Can you please reread that. Come to your senses here.

 

I don't think you can accept men with children, period.