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Would you have a hard time if your b/f was raising a child that is not his?


Muneca
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When I started to date my b/f he told me about a month later that his daughter was really not his blood child. Turns out he was seeing/dating this female ( he was not serious with ) and on day she told him she was pregnant and it was his. Even though the dates were completely off, he took responsibility and gave this child his last name. One month after the sick child was born ( health issues) the mother leaves him and the baby for an older man with money. She later tries to come back but he fights custody and wins. So he has been raising this child for the last 5 years. I feel terrible but I have a hard time excepting that he has a kid thats not his. At first I was okay and it was not too bad but they moved in to my house and now its so hard dealing with a kid thats not yours or his. I wish I could love her as my own and I have been trying but its just not happening. I love my b/f but not his kid and its killing me inside. I know this is terrible and that is why I am asking for some advice. I don't know what to do so I can accept her and stop thinking that she is just in the way all the time. I have to admite I don't even help with bathing her, or getting her dressed for pre school. He does it all.

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If you don't accept the kid, you don't truly accept him.

 

The situation is not going to change. And, frankly, I do not think you are giving it much of an effort or giving this child a chance.

 

Walk away if it is too much for you, but, staying with him while disliking the child or finding her to be a burden is hurting him, you, and especially this young life.

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he sounds like a great guy with a big heart. he clearly has this little girl's best interests at heart, even if she isn't biologically his. i'm surprised that the court didn't give the mother custody, but there must have been some extenuating circumstances. most courts would give custody to the birth mother unless she was really an out of control wreck. so, i think this is a great guy. i would date him. i would probably feel a little weird about it for a while, but he seems like a really great guy and great father.

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Your boyfriend sounds like a loving, caring man who took could have easily had a test done to prove that his daughter wasn't his child biologically. Instead, he opened up his heart and is now the father of a little girl that needs extra care because of health issues. He could have run off and no one would have faulted him, but the girl would not probably have as loving a parent as she does in him, nor one as responsible.

 

You should feel lucky you are with this man.

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I agree with the above posters. The fact that the child isn't blood related makes no difference at all. You shouldn't think in terms of "the child isn't his" because of that...he has raised her and loves her, that's what counts. I would truly make an effort to bond with the child if you really care about your boyfriend, otherwise the relationship won't work.

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To him, it does not matter what a DNA test says. This is his daughter who loves him as her daddy. This child IS his daughter.

 

I agree with this 100%. In fact, in my eyes he gains even more respect because knowing this isn't his biological child doesn't change his love for her or commitment to her. I would love him even more for this.

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Why do you feel you cannot accept her?

I feel like maybe he see's her mother in her. Or he stayed with this child for other reasons that I might not know. I just don't know anyone who would do this, do you? I also think she is way too spoiled.

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I think the fact that he is not the biological father is probably not the real issue here but the fact the child is taking time away from his time with you is.

I don't know what to do so I can accept her and stop thinking that she is just in the way all the time.

 

You can't help those feelings - they are just that - feelings - emotions, and emotions are just there, unbidden and sometimes unwanted.

 

So don't blame yourself for those emotions. It's normal and natural.

 

It's what you do about them that is important and what you do, as opposed to what you feel, is in your control.

 

So you put those emotions on hold while you do what is right. You support your boyfriend as much as you can, you offer your help, you hold the child, comfort her when she needs it and act as if you love her as if she is your own. Because you can fake it if you try hard enough - you can control what you do.

 

Try that for a year. And then come back and tell us how you feel about her then. And if you tell us that you do now love her and don't resent her - we won't be surprised.

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I feel like maybe he see's her mother in her. Or he stayed with this child for other reasons that I might not know. I just don't know anyone who would do this, do you? I also think she is way too spoiled.

 

Perhaps he just loves the child? Or maybe you're just afraid of being involved with a really great guy.

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I just don't know anyone who would do this, do you?

 

Sure I do. Every person who has ever adopted a child. And I know lots of those people. They don't love their children any less just because they are not their biological children. And their children don't love them any less either.

 

I feel like maybe he see's her mother in her.

 

So you feel threatened by the child perhaps?

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is it the fact that he has a kid, or the fact that he has a kid who is not his.

 

would you mind dating someone who has a child that is biologically his?

 

I think what this guy is doing is commendable, but I would not want to date a guy who already has a child, so the fact that the child is not his is beside the point.

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He said he never loved the childs mother, but I think that he probably took responsiblity for this child out of love for the childs mother and that makes me mad/jelouse.

 

People tend to have loved their exes at one point in time. If that's the problem then you're going to have to find a guy that has never been in a relationship before.

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He said he never loved the childs mother, but I think that he probably took responsiblity for this child out of love for the childs mother and that makes me mad/jelouse.

 

I think you need to focus on the present. Do you feel he really loves/cares for you? Because that is what is important...We all have histories, and even if he did love the mother at the time, I doubt that plays a role now. Do you see that he truly loves the child? It sounds like he does.

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Considering the kind of person the mother is, don't you think the kid is better off with you guys? If you are having a hard time dealing with it, maybe that could be your coping method, taking relief in the fact that the kid has a good life with you guys and that you are with someone who's a good father.

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