Would you have a hard time if your b/f was raising a child that is not his?

[annie24]

I think my problem is that he has a child I have to deal with ( too spoilded and always gets her way) . If it was his "BLOOD", I would have an easier time with it cause I could see a little of him in her but its not like that at all.. I would never ask him to choose me over this child nor take her back to the looser mom ( just a dream thats not going to come true). Like you guys have said, I have to except both or move on. I am not sure at this point what I will do but thank you all for your input.

 

i understand what you mean about the spoiled child. i have family members who absolutely let their small children run their lives. but of course, i am not the parent, so it's not my place to tell them that i don't agree with how they are raising their daughters. so, ok. Of course, you might be her step-mom one day, and you might have children with him, so you two would have to come to an agreement about how to raise your children. this may or may not affect your relationship. i dunno - maybe this is a deal breaker for you two (how much to dote/spoil the children) ?

[annie24]

PS - another thing to think about .....

 

do you think he would have fought so hard to get custody of this girl if the mother had her act together? ie, if she didn't do drugs, if she was responsible, if she had a job, and knew who the child's biological father was? my guess is that he would have known the child would be ok and looked after and he would have let her go. i think he was acting in the child's best interest, not the mother's.

[DN]

If you could wave a magic wand and have this turn out any way you want - what would that be?

 

Be as honest as you can and don't worry for now about what people might think of your reaction - just type what you would really want to happen.

[penelope13]

you'd be surprised how much of the adopted parent you can see in a child, but i think you got enough reactions on telling you that there is no difference for him and therefore there should be no difference for you that she is not genetically his. (you also would be surprised if you knew how many people grow up with the believe that someone is their blood relative, but actually isn't).

 

i understand it is difficult to let go of old believes.

 

i am sure you were aware that you would get a lot of criticism for your post. however, you have a right as anyone else on this forum to express your feelings freely. that is the whole point of ENA: to create a place where you can express yourself and get advice, no matter what your beliefs. people might not agree with you and like your views, but afterall these are your feelings.

 

only if you are able to express yourself fully, will we (as a community) be able to help you process with whatever it is you have to process.

 

so. let's try to help you to work out a solution:

 

i still haven't fully understood what the real issue is for you with the child:

- she is genetically not his - what do you believe this would change in regards to your relationship with the child

- she is not his blood, so you don't see anything of him in her - as i said before, a childs believe and attitude are mainly influenced by its environment, not be the genetics (the genetics gives the underlying frame, but the environment i.e. the parents/ education etc make the design)

- she is spoiled: if there is a justified concern, you could discuss this with your partner, if he expects you to be a step mom, you have a right to contribute to the parenting.

- she is spoiled: are you afraid she is taking up a lot of his time? - if you ever want to have kids with anyone, you have to be aware that they require a lot of time and will always take priority in some ways in respect to your relationship