Not to bash anyone that does this, just curious

[epsilon2x]

I didn't realize how many people on this forum do online dating.

 

To me it seems like it's so much harder than just going out and meeting people in person. There's all these cancellations and mixed messages that you don't understand. Then you gotta talk to them for days to get their number and then a few more days to meet up with them.

 

It just seems like a big hassle. Then when you do finally agree to meet up with someone they probably live hours away.

 

I don't know if I just have it easier than most people and just enjoy going out and looking for a girl or what, but I feel that online dating is a little superficial. Because the way I see it, you only talk to people who you are attracted to and it usually doesn't have anything to do with their profile. Why not just go out and find a girl living near you?

 

I'm not trying to offend anyone, I just wanted to hear opinions.

[Scorpion Fury]

where do you suggest they go? I'm not a fan of it myself, but some people do it because they don't have many options to meet people in person. or if they do, they can't seem to find someone worthwhile.

[Batya33]

For me it was the opposite - going out to a crowded party, club or bar seemed superficial - hard to talk, you're often talking to drunk people, and the focus is far more visual. And if you exchange numbers there could be just as many mixed messages.

 

I took a very practical approach to meeting people through on line sites (never did on line dating - I met people in person who I initially contacted through on line sites - our interaction on line was not "dating"). We emailed once or twice, a phone number was given, we spoke by phone once or twice for about 20 minutes and then made a plan to meet hopefully within the week. Then, we met and if we clicked we planned a real date.

 

There were postponements, cancellations, etc but no different than if I had met them first in real life and I dealt with those basically by deciding whether the behavior was acceptable to me or too unreliable. Most of the time I never felt attached before meeting, and never felt too attached after meeting the first time - just as if we had met first in real life.

 

I did not date people long distance but I also did not date outside my religion which made it easier for me to contact people on line (rather than ask an awkward question of a stranger I met). I did not focus on the photos any more than on what they said in their profile. I also knew that photos weren't always accurate - some people do not photograph well or photograph 'too well" - so as long as I wasn't totally turned off (which i could be if the person had an angry look, dressed too oddly, bad grooming, or I simply found him unattractive) I gave it a shot all else being equal.

 

It had more depth to me because I could screen out the men who didn't put on their profiles what I was looking for - a man who wanted a serious relationship leading to marriage and family in the not too distant future. I probably e-mailed with hundreds of men (meaning, one short email), and it was far easier to screen them out than if we met at a loud party because I felt comfortable asking in an email about their general values and goals when it came to relationships - because I assumed if they were on a dating site, those questions were not unusual the way they might be if you met a random person at a party.

 

About a dozen of my friends - quality people in every way - met their spouses through on line sites (also quality people). It took lots of time and effort but no more than meeting in real life first.

[Iceman26]

Well a lot of people that use this forum regularly are likely heavy internet users, thus the probability they do online dating is pretty high I would think.

[luzmarie123]

I think online dating works for some... like myspace I enjoy talking to people but I am afraid to meet them because there are to many crazy people in the world what if its an x wife u meet or a wife becuase her husband lied to her? its just to much drama for me as a women... but I think for men it may work

[savignon]

I understand what you're saying and it might not work for you (it certainly doesn't work for everyone)...but here's a different perspective since you seem to be open-minded enough to want to hear---

As for only contacting people you're attracted to, that also happens in real life. How many times have you been in a bar and walked up to someone b/c you thought maybe deep down they had a good personality? It's not necessarily physical hotness that would have you contact someone online...you may see someone (who is cute to you) AND there's a picture of them in France and you've also been to France, or they're kyacking or whatever draws you to ask them a question or want to find out more.

Secondly, people who aren't 'ballsy' enough (for lack of a better word) to strike up a conversation might do better a few times on email before meeting in person. Can people lie to you? Yes. Misrepresent themselves? Absolutely. But those things can happen in a bar/club/social event/school/work just as easily.

When I dated online, I met up with cops, lawyers, businessmen, car salesmen, a personal chef...they lived or hung out outside of where I would typically look (but not long distance) and I would never have come accross them if I hadn't tried online dating.

If you 'have it easier than most', that's fantastic....I didn't and some people don't or need to work up some confidence first or would like to meet people ouside of their immediate social circle and hang outs. It's definitely not for everyone and the first few dates (for me) were torture...but it's like anything else....you just get used to it

It sounds like you have a lot of confidence and are interested in other people's opinions which is a good combo when you're looking to meet someone.

Best wishes to all the daters out there, regardless of methodology! May 2009 bring just what you're looking for!!

[Iceman26]

One thing in particular that makes meeting people in public harder is technology. Computers, cell phones, etc. help contribute to the decline of interpersonal skills in people needed to meet people in public places.

[ghost69]

i don't advocate online dating and i never recommend it to anybody here.

[shes2smart]

Online is a great tool to meet people you may not otherwise meet.

 

Dating is still best done in person, f2f.

 

I'm all for "online meeting"...it's how I met my husband.

 

"Online dating" (interacting with someone online for an extended period of time with no rl meeting)...generally not such a great thing, IMO.

[Crush85]

Why not just go out and find a girl living near you?

 

Easier said than done.

 

One of the main reasons why I did online dating was because of a lack of self-confidence with girls in the real world. In the online world you can talk to a girl without feeling nervous and there's always the ability to proof-read what you're going to say before you actually say it. In the real world you can't do that.

 

I've been through 2 different long-term online relationships and they were pretty emotionally draining. The first one I had during high school and the second was during college. Both girls lived in different states and the first girl wasn't really my type, physically.

 

Looking back, I personally don't recommend online dating. It's very easy for expectations to build up (especially if you don't meet in person right away).

[Honey Pumpkin]

How old are you? You see, I think online dating is great if you're older - out of college, and when a lot of your friends are settled. It's more straightforward, it gives you a great number of people to meet, and it builds confidence - I have dated a LOT this year, and it's really helped boost my confidence and self-esteem, I don't get panicked about dates any more, I enjoy them!

 

There are downsides - of course; I have met a fair number of frogs! But I feel like bursts of online dating really help you to practice your dating muscles, and make it less intimidating. You can screen as well - age/location and so on.

 

I don't do it at the moment, but someone I met earlier this year has just got back in touch, which was lovely.

 

Also, for all the people who are lonely and hurting, some of them a bit bitter that they don't get dates, I really recommend online dating for getting them out of that rut. It's great - you meet someone who is also looking for a relationship, it's fun! It also helped me to be less precious about it - one date does not mean a relationship, and rejection isn't personal, it's about not being a match.

[shes2smart]

I totally agree with this and is the same basic set of guidelines I used for myself when I met my husband.

 

Chat & phone a couple times to see if there's enough commonality to warrant real life interaction.

 

I also kept my search local and within the parameters of things that were "must haves" in any relationship I wanted to create. For you it was within your religion, for me it was limiting my search to within the out & public BDSM community.

 

I learned the hard way that spending a lot of time chatting and emailing is no guarantee you're going to click with someone in person. The vast majority of the time, it just sets one up for a crashing disappointment. After a few of those, I got smarter, more protective of my time and made the fundamental realization that if you want a real-life relationship you have to interact with a potential partner in real life.

[cruzer]

ive never dated someone from the net, and i dont do dating sites however i would like to point out a few things.

 

most sites i believe have pictures, so u can see if ur attracted to them.

meeting and talking on the net might allow u to get to know someone that u might not have went up to in a bar because they were not a 10/10 but u guys click like no other.

 

i think the biggest advantage is, what if the love of ur life is only a few miles away from u, but goes to a different bar than u do, and u guys never meet? but if u both go on dating sites see ur attracted to one another, and only live a few miles apart, start talking, meet up, bam it begins.

 

who cares if u live a few hours apart if its the person for u, one of u can move closer?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Yep, because at a bar or singles event you meet people who are so much less superfical and who never play games, phone tag, mixed messages etc! It is not how you meet someone that determines what happens...it is WHO you meet. Plenty of people meet fake and phony game players right in their hometown at a Church function, at school, doing what interests them such as hiking or whatever, at bars, at singles functions etc. Online simply allows you to tap into a broader community....your local haunts are simply a smaller version of the online community. So while you may go to a local club or event with 100 people and 5 of them are jerks...online you can meet 1000 people and 50 of them are jerks...same percentage of jerks, you just have a larger pool.

[shes2smart]

So while you may go to a local club or event with 100 people and 5 of them are jerks...online you can meet 1000 people and 50 of them are jerks...same percentage of jerks, you just have a larger pool.

 

Yup.

 

One must also remember "Dating is like a bowl of granola. What isn't fruits and nuts is flakes."

[ghost69]

i like to see people in their natural element before i decide to talk to them. online, i can't really size up a girl. her look, her actions, etc.

[kuiks8]

I did online dating for a few years. It is how I met my ex husband.

At the time i was working at an office with all women and 2 gay men. No one was trying to pick me up at the grocery store, I don't go to bars and I have my biatch face on at the gym. Since no one was approaching me on the street and sweeping me off my feet i thought I would give it a try...

It has it's good and bad points...you have to learn what works for you, set your boundaries, learn to not take things personally and be really choosy...

 

I met my current SO in real life but if it came down to it i would probably do online again...

[midnightrambler]

Yup.

 

One must also remember "Dating is like a bowl of granola. What isn't fruits and nuts is flakes."

 

the women i meet on the street are either married or have drinking problems

[Batya33]

i like to see people in their natural element before i decide to talk to them. online, i can't really size up a girl. her look, her actions, etc.

 

Yes, that is why I met people ASAP in person and invested 45 minutes in meeting for a cup of coffee to see if we clicked enough to go on a date. I didn't see the point in closing off the option of meeting so many potentially suitable matches just because I had to put in a few hours (email/phone, getting ready for the meet and the meet) to do so.

[sweetdslollipop]

Men don't approach me in real life.

With online dating, I don't get many messages either.

But atleast with online dating, I could get on average about 1 date a year.

It's better than getting no dates from the men I see in real life.

[hazelnut]

I think online dating can be fine. As long as you are honest with yourself, and accurately describe who you really are and who/what you're seeking. It's good for those who have difficult schedules or don't care for the bar/club scene, even uncommon circumstances, or traits you had never considered before.

 

The key with online dating is, (unless you're seeking a LDR)- once you start communicating with someone, it's important to exchange a few (3-4) emails and after a few (again maybe 3-4) convos, exchange phone numbers, get a better feel for the person via convo and natural response. You should be arranging to meet in a public place. This way, say within the first 6-8 weeks, you're meeting up with this person, you get a chance to see how well you play together. But really it's impossible to define dating by actual concrete numbers, but it's good to have a timeline. They help make you stay objective and keep you from wasting too much time with the wrong person -on your search for someone. I dunno, I think if you're objective and honest, I think online dating can work.

[MyheartorHis]

It's dangerous to meet people from online dating sites, myspace, and even parties! There are creepy and dangerous people everywhere, not just over the internet. The same creepy guy who could be trying to get me to meet him next week could be same creepy guy who bought you a drink last night and then offered to walk you to your car...

 

 

I do online dating, and I love it. But I just wanted to say that online dating is not any more dangerous than meeting someone at a party or bar.

[Brightest Dark]

Going out can cost a lot of money and take a lot of time. Personally I have two jobs. Well, a day job and then a hobby type job which takes up all my spare time. I won't pay for a dating site but I'm on one of the free ones - and I've just recently started talking to a stunningly gorgeous guy (who seems like a nice person). Chances of meeting that guy out and about are pretty much zero - especially with my picky taste. I do go out but to concerts, and the crowd at shows is not good when you're looking for someone attractive! Besides, I'm too busy watching the show than looking to see if there's anyone nice in the venue! Plus if you're out how do you know who's single and who's not? On a dating site, you can see immediately.

[servedcold]

Online dating/meeting is much more efficient than cruising bars or clubs when done correctly, especially if you are a fast reader/writer. You also have much more control, can do it sitting in your underwear at the computer at the end of a long day when you don't want to go out. Can control the music you are listening to instead of having some vapid hip hop or dance tune force-fed into your ears.

 

You don't have to say "excuse me?" over and over annoying prospects by asking them to repeat what they just shouted in your ear. You don't have to deal with CBing doofuses who seem to always crop up out of nowhere when you are talking to a prospect. Most importantly, though it's certainly not a given, most people on dating sites are at least physically available for dating, whereas you never know out and about until you ask.

 

The downside for men is that unless you are younger, you have to have some accomplishments under your belt, be at least 5'10" and photograph very well or you will be mostly (even utterly) ignored. One of my best friends who is an absolute ladykiller had no luck at all doing online dating simply because he is 5'8" and was still finishing up college in his late twenties when he tried it. He was always with beautiful women, but after dating many vapid beauties, he wanted to find women of more substance, yet was ironically totally shut down on the internet. He ended up meeting his "total package" at work, and they have been married for years. I was never in this guy's league pulling out on the town, but outdid him easily on the internet, so whether you will succeed there or not is case by case.