The 99% Ugly Guy

[corvidae]

I'm posting some threads on these forums because I'm trying to work out my life and make it better. In the past I've been guilty of just wanting a moan, which there is nothing wrong with, I think we all need to get things off our chests sometimes.

 

But right now I'm trying to be constructive, so I want to share something with you enotalone community that I've thought about a lot but never told anyone.

 

Please bear with me, this is hard to explain. One of my tragedies is that I've never known whether I am attractive or ugly. The reason is that throughout all of my life I feel I am treated as if I am ugly by women. By this I mean that no-one flirts or gives me their number or 'acts sexy' towards me or anything like that. "Ah well" I think to myself "I am one of life's ugly folk and I have to learn to live with that."

 

However, every now and then an 'incident' happens out of the blue which simply confuses the hell out of me. Here are the examples:

 

1. When I was in Nottingham in my younger days, teenage girls used to call out remarks to me, equivalent to builders cat-calling women I suppose.

2. The other day an attractive woman got on my train, turned red in the face as she walked past me. I noticed her odd body language but ignored it. On getting off the train she turned and stared at me full in the face for a good while before getting off the train and walking away.

3. On at least four occasions I've had women come up to me in the street and say (depending on the occasion in question) 1. hello 2. hi sexy 3. can I have a kiss (she was a bit drunk) 4. how are you?

4. A pretty girl in a pub once turned red and kept looking at me. I thought I was just imagining it, but my friend independently pointed it out confirming my suspicions. I just ignored it.

5. One of my students once asked me out (it's OK, I was just teaching lab. at a Uni, she wasn't really my student).

6. On at least two occasion my friends have reported to me they overhead a woman remark that I was 'good looking'.

 

Well, there have been other similar incidents but I think you get the idea. These may seem like quite a few incidents but remember that I'm nearly 30 and I can go years and years without anyone so much as acknowledging my existence, so please take the above in context.

 

So I guess I'd summarise the situation that 99% of the time I'm ugy and 1% of the time I'm attractive. It may be that only 1 in 100 women thinks I'm attractive? Is that even possible?

 

Do all men experience the incidents I listed above? I have no idea, I never talk about this with anyone. Maybe every guy gets many more incidents than that.

 

I'm confused and any constructive thoughts would be helpful.

[waveseer]

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You are just you, all the time. Some women like the way you look, some don't, it's very subjective and it works the same for all of us.

[heatspreader]

You are doing a lot better than me. I am 23 and have never had any of those kind of things happen to me. I guess i'm 100% ugly.

[greywolf]

When those 'incidents' happened, what did you do? Maybe women don't approach you because you don't seem approachable.

[redhearts]

Better yet, do you have a picture?

[Lionel Hutz]

Well everyone is not going to find you attractive. It would be like a zombie movie. From what youve listed you sound like an attractive dude, who can probably pull girls most of the time. I once read that anything longer than a 2 second glance means there is somewhat of an interest. Not that you could ask her out immediately, but you have a good chance of not being shut down. Girls really really use their eyes to attract, especially in places like the train.

 

Most of us who don't stay at home all day do experience this. I would say 1/100 is about right too, well depending on your region since some may only have 100 people where they live; but you said train, which makes me think subway, which makes me think big city,(excuse my ramble) which makes me think of lots of hot single ladies. Well over 100 a day that you may pass, and one may glance. Now its up to you to respond to it.

[agent1607307371]

I feel I am treated as if I am ugly by women. By this I mean that no-one flirts or gives me their number or 'acts sexy' towards me or anything like that.

 

Do you act sexy yourself? Because if there's one thing I've learnt, it's that you get back what you give out.

 

It's possible that you are not not getting the attention, but that you filter it through the "she's not looking at me" filter because you have a mind set of "women think I'm ugly".

 

I do the same thing, but when I'm feeling good about myself, I am aware of SO much more attention coming my way.

[meister]

I am sure it is just that some women find you attractive and conversely some don't. I consider myself average but I am sure some women find me repulsive and I know that some find me attractive. I know women who have stated they feel Brad Pitt and Harrison Ford(Younger) are not that attractive, while pointing out men who from my non-gay point of view I would not think were attractive. It really comes down to personal choice that is all man.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Have you had a successful relationship with a woman?

[corvidae]

I guess that's what I thought people would say. I'm just surprised at the sheer difference between how people can see me. Some people see me as ugly, others turn bright red when in a 2 metre radius. It's a big jump from one to the other.

 

I suppose I always thought that when someone was attractive they were always attractive. Sure, they would be much more attractive to some and less so to others. Also, I thought that if you're ugly then you might attract some people based on personality, but I'd be very surprised if you could attract some people just on looks. I expected people to have a bell-curve of how attractive people found them with the average being dependent on how attrative they were to begin with. Eg. Jessica Alba/Brad Pitt would have the average rating of 'very attractive' but there would be distributions either end of people finding them "unattractive" or "super attractive".

 

Similarly, Danny Devito would have a much lower average, but there would be those towards the far right of the curve that may rate him 'attractive'.

 

With me the distribution doesn't appear to be a bell-curve at all, but is two independent peaks, one situated at "ugly" and the other at "attractive". I have trouble with this.

 

It seems like two very opposite ends of the scale, and it makes the question "am I ugly" or "am I attractive" meaningless, which makes life more complicated. It seems I am ugly, unless I meet someone who thinks I'm not. Which is almost entirely dependent on the random eventof running into them on the street/train.

 

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. You are just you, all the time. Some women like the way you look, some don't, it's very subjective and it works the same for all of us.

[Pegasus]

1 out of 100 is fair share if you ask me. What really concerns me is that you decided not to act on any of those "incidents". Social awkwardness and shyness are much bigger problems than looks itself. I personally know some really ugly guys having LTRs - but they are not shy, they are funny and witty.

 

Learn some new skills, new ways how to communicate and how to be interesting to women and you will get some.

 

Just look at Tyler101's thread on this forum about PUA Experiment.

[corvidae]

No, I haven't, that's what I come on here and moan about mostly. I'd like to tell you why, but I don't really know. Lots of reasons I think.

 

How about I post a picture of me? Well, this is me with my mask on.

 

image removed

 

And mask off...

 

image removed

 

Have you had a successful relationship with a woman?

[corvidae]

New skills like...?

 

Just for the record, and I thank you for your input, but just to clarify for the readers at home, I'm not socially awkward or shy, quite the opposite. I also like organising social events, I cite as examples recently organising not only my work Christmas dinner but one for about 20 of my friends. Last week alone I went to 6 different 'social' events. The key problem is 1. meeting new people and 2. getting new people to want to talk to me.

 

I have hobbies that I like: I play a few instruments, I sing Jazz, I have a PhD, I've done theatre for about 8 years, I weight lift and I used to wrestle. I have a good career as a chartered accountant that is stable and pays well. I read a lot and have even been known to write. I like stand-up comedy and often attend gigs and shows. I don't think I can do any more than that really, I've only got so much time in the day.

 

I would say that me and my friends are quite odd in that we tend to talk about physics, language, politics, economics etc which I am aware, is quite geeky.

 

Er...yeah, actually I guess I'm a geek now I think about it. Damn.

 

Social awkwardness and shyness are much bigger problems than looks itself. I personally know some really ugly guys having LTRs - but they are not shy, they are funny and witty.

 

Learn some new skills, new ways how to communicate and how to be interesting to women and you will get some.

[Pegasus]

Er...yeah, actually I guess I'm a geek now I think about it. Damn.

 

Hehehe

 

Great man, I see you have all figured out except girls - it's just a skill, like everything else.

 

Why didn't you approach to any of those giving you buying signals?

[corvidae]

Well, you know, it's easy to reflect on the event afterwards, but at the time it takes you by surprise. You have maybe 1 or 2 seconds to react then the moment is gone forever more!

 

Hehehe

Why didn't you approach to any of those giving you buying signals?

[agent1607307371]

Nothing wrong with being a geek. I read comics for goodnes sake.

 

Your problem is that you either a) think you are ugly or b) are used to thinking you are ugly and so do it as a default. You can be as outgoing as you want, but your self-perception is always going to beat it.

[corvidae]

Nothing wrong with being a geek. I read comics for goodnes sake.

 

Which comics? I'm a fan of Neil Gaiman and Alan Moore. Of course Neil's more about books now, but he'll never get away from Sandman.

 

Your problem is that you either a) think you are ugly or b) are used to thinking you are ugly and so do it as a default. You can be as outgoing as you want, but your self-perception is always going to beat it.

 

I agree. I am always amazed at how much communication is between the lines, and I am sure that I need to give out more positive signals.

[winter whiteout]

No, I haven't, that's what I come on here and moan about mostly. I'd like to tell you why, but I don't really know. Lots of reasons I think.

 

How about I post a picture of me? Well, this is me with my mask on.

 

image removed

 

And mask off...

 

image removed

 

 

OMG if I was younger (I am 45) I would go out on a date with you. When I saw your picture I instantly thought you were attractive. I am sure a lot of other ENA ladies think the same!

[agent1607307371]

Which comics? I'm a fan of Neil Gaiman and Alan Moore.

 

They are Gods, I love Alan Moore especially, liking more of his comic work.

 

And Warren Ellis and Grant Moore, and I love just about anything by Jaime and Gilbert Hernandez.

[justme17]

No, I haven't, that's what I come on here and moan about mostly. I'd like to tell you why, but I don't really know. Lots of reasons I think.

 

How about I post a picture of me? Well, this is me with my mask on.

 

image removed

 

And mask off...

 

image removed

Well, after viewing your photos( the masked photo made me chuckle), I can honestly say you are an attractive guy based solely on your head shot.

 

Mind you, this is coming from a female within an age group with astronomical standards.Trust me....you will not be deemed unattractive by the majority of women.

[greywolf]

No, I haven't, that's what I come on here and moan about mostly. I'd like to tell you why, but I don't really know. Lots of reasons I think.

 

How about I post a picture of me? Well, this is me with my mask on.

 

image removed

 

And mask off...

 

image removed

 

You are far from ugly!

[sns256]

If that is what is considered 99% ugly than I am easily 150-200% ugly lol. You look great man. Work on your self confidence because there is certainly nothing wrong with your looks in that picture.

[UltimateX]

Let me tell you, with a lot of women, looks isn't everything. Many women are deeply attracted to a guy if he shows confidence and that has a sense of humor.

 

People will believe whatever you are projecting. thereforee, if you go around thinking you are ugly and have no confidence, women will pick up on that and you won't be noticed much. But if you keep your head high and own any room that you walk into, women will tend to gravitate to that.

 

I know some damn homely guys that do just this and the women are all over them.

 

Really now, who wants to be with someone that doesn't even like themselves?

 

Relax and feel good about who you are..... You're the only one you have.

 

X

[ftheunion]

Its good that you are noticing these occurrences. Perhaps you are unsure of you looks. But if you think you look ok for YOU, and adjust accordingly, thats all you need.

 

Because the duration of life is unknown, you should take every opportunity. When you notice another opportunity then go and be present, be there, and hold a full conversation with them. Even if they are strangers, you could get the chance to meet them again. Don't just walk off try to engage them as long as possible, even if it is shy looks, red faces, and quiet. and be sure to look into both her eyes a few times for more than one second.

[corvidae]

Hooray! Someone in the 1% fraction.

 

Perhaps ugly is too strong a word, but I don't know. It's just VERY ODD how 99% of women act towards me. I'm going to go away and draw a picture to explain it better...

 

You are far from ugly!