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Girlfriend's teasing is bugging me...


Seymore

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My girlfriend knows I love having sex with her. Her drive isn't as great as mine, though. We used to have it 1-2 times a month, but lately it's gotten better. A few weeks ago we had it 4 times in 1 week. Since then it's been at least once a week.

 

I'm happy with the change, but not with how she teases me sometimes. Last night she asked me for one of my t-shirts to wear while she was sitting on my couch working on her laptop. I got a shirt, came back in and she was naked except for her panties, working on her computer. Naturally, I got excited. I started to touch her breasts and she basically ignored me, working on her computer. No rush to get the shirt on or anything. I tried to make a move and she said she didn't feel like it, gently pushed me away and kept working. I got upset and she asked why I was in a bad mood, and I said I didn't appreciate the teasing. She said that she let me touch her breasts, and asked why that wasn't enough.

 

The evening before she went on about how she wanted to have sex. She was practicing a presentation she had to give to some children the next day, and decided to practice with me as the audience. She broke out in the middle and said "So, do you want to have sex?" I said yes and moved in, and she just went on with the presentation. Afterwards I tried to make a move on her and she said "Let's go for ice cream". We didn't have sex that night.

 

She's said herself she loves how she can do the littlest thing and turn me on, yet she can't understand how I get upset when she decides to randomly flash her breasts at me and turn me down right after for sex, often saying "I dunno, I just don't feel like it".

 

I give her massages a couple of times a week. I asked her how she'd feel if I started massaging her foot for 10 seconds and just stopped. She said I do that all the time. I don't, and when I asked when I did that last she couldn't tell me. Again, because I don't. It's cruel.

 

What should I do? Does anyone else feel the way I do about this?

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And you know...a couple of months ago when I decided to just ignore her flashing me, asking about sex etc. (because I knew when it would amount to nothing but teasing), she would get self-conscious and tell me I was acting different, like I wasn't attracted to her anymore. I told her that I didn't even feel it was worth getting excited because she would just tease me so I just ignored her. Then she came again with the "Well, sometimes I just don't feel like it". Right, but she feels like talking dirty and exposing herself to me.

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Hey buddy, you know by reading your previous threads I can deduce this about your relationship: You don't do anything wrong, but you don't do enough things right ie. stick up for yourself.

 

You'll come on here and post about all of this bad stuff your gf does to you, so you know you're being disrespected. But she does not respect your boundaries and that is because you come accross as soft to her. All of this teasing just stems from the fact that she believes that she can pull your strings and this is a death sentence as far as a girl's interest is concerned.

 

She's not gong to change unless you give her a reason to change.

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She is playing sexual power games. It may be that she's feeling insecure and needing reassurance of her desirability from you. Maybe a nice supportive conversation explaining how you feel and reiterating your desire for her would help.

 

I don't know how she needs reassurance, though. I'm always checking her out. ALWAYS. We've been together 15 months now, and she can still just look at me a certain way and I'll have a full erection. She's got the figure of a model, and not one of those heroin-chic models either. And I know it's not just about her body. I show her in so many ways that I love her aside from that, but my desire for her is never, ever a secret. I don't know what more I can do to assure her of my desire for her.

 

And when I stick up for myself she acts like what I say is ridiculous. Like when I bring up the teasing. She thinks it's either A)crazy because that's not at all what she's trying to do, or B)crazy because she lets me touch her and that should be enough, unless she wants to go further.

 

I just find myself getting angrier and angrier though, and one of these days I'm just going to ignore her completely or not want to have sex with her at all anymore.

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That is so not okay and you need to let her know it's not okay to do those things to you. Tell her what you just wrote including the final result if she doesn't change her teasin' ways.

 

R2H, I love how you get straight to the point. Seymore, Ready2Heal is totally right. This girl is pushing your buttons. She's got you wrapped around her little finger, and of course you are pi$$ed. It's emasculating to have a woman do these things to you. Back off, make yourself unavailable for a short time, and get busy doing things you are interested in. She has a lot of nerve just settling right into your life and running the show. R2H is right about the power games.

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Perfect. She knows exactly which strings to pull to get a reaction from you. Now she can control you. You are the mouse and she is the cat playing fully batting you around until you are no more.... Its a slow death.

 

Helo is right. Stand up for yourself. Stop letting her push your buttons.

 

What you did before was good to not react. Start doing that again.

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R2H, I love how you get straight to the point. Seymore, Ready2Heal is totally right. This girl is pushing your buttons. She's got you wrapped around her little finger, and of course you are pi$$ed. It's emasculating to have a woman do these things to you. Back off, make yourself unavailable for a short time, and get busy doing things you are interested in. She has a lot of nerve just settling right into your life and running the show. R2H is right about the power games.

 

Thanks, it's kind of funny that women who play games bother me even more than men who play games. lol

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You're not going to want to hear what I have to say, but listen anyway .

 

A girlfriend that I had before my wife (when I was 16) acted in a very similar way. We weren't having sex (the relationship wasn't that far), but we were physical. She would do things to get me riled up, then shut me down. A couple times I wouldn't respond, and she'd go further and further.

 

It ultimately came down to one main thing: she wasn't attracted to me. It wasn't physical affection she wanted from me; I gave her the nice feeling of being desired, which for many women is a means of gratification the way the act of actual sex is for most men. Some women will even be willing to sacrifice sex in order to achieve this form of gratification.. but the sex isn't what they want, you drooling after them like a puppy dog is. It's the same thing that many "friend zoned" men end up with.. women dangling the carrot of "more", with teasing etc, while the fact is they won't ever give it because sex is not their goal.. you being teased and reacting to their game is.

 

The only thing you can do is to not play her game. Let her initiate sex for a while, and what will likely happen is that she won't for a long time. Then use that to prove there is a problem with the physical affection side of the relationship. Once the problem is identified and agreed, if it's truly worth it to her, she will work to remedy it. Of course, all this is assuming what I've said above isn't true, because if it is, then you really need to get out of the relationship. Also, this is sort of playing games yourself, which ideally shouldn't be done unless the relationship is extremely significant and anything to save it is worthwhile.

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I wouldn't play any sort of games with her. This is more than just teasing this is being deliberately nasty. I would not stay with someone who behaved like this and would just break up with her and move on. I strongly suggest you do the same.

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She "let you touch her breasts"?

 

Uh...no. People should not give their partners sex and sexual acts for good behaviour. It probably made you feel pretty down that she wasn't into it. You probably felt like you were being rejected, right?

 

I'm sorry for you. I hope you work things out. Don't play games. Talk. Tell her how it makes you feel. Point it out when she is doing these things. Leave the room when she doesn't try to respect your feelings after you bring up this issue and she remains teasing you.

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See - if I leave the room, I know she'll get mad and tell me I'm acting like a child and that I can't have an argument with her or to grow up, etc.

 

And if in any way I let her feel like she can't have me, she'll try that much harder. A few nights ago (a different occasion) I was going to bed and I had said something about how if she hadn't shot me down earlier she might've "gotten lucky" (jokingly), but I was too tired now. Well, there was the challenge. She got on top of me and said something to the tune of "Oh, really? You mean no matter what I do I couldn't have you if I tried?"...and I gave in.

 

I almost hate to say it, but when I WAS ignoring her and she came out asking if I was even interested in her anymore, I felt empowered again. Like for once I had some control again. But she gets into this "Aren't you into me anymore?" thing after a while and I cave. I've thrown it back at her saying "How do you think I feel when you shoot me down left and right?" and she usually replies something like "Our sex drives are just different...I just don't want to do it much". I'll bring up how she teases me and she'll deny it was teasing and say that she had no idea. I can so clearly imagine how the argument will go.

 

And should the argument come to "there's a problem with the physical side of our relationship", she'll claim that it's all about sex to me. We had agreed early on that our relationship wouldn't be all about sex, but what it's coming to now is not a lack of sex so much as a lack of respect.

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You keep playing perfectly into her hands. Stop doing that.

 

Firstly stop being attached to the outcome of having sex with her. Get it in your head that it doesnt matter. Because it really doesnt. Whether you have sex now or never really doesnt matter in the whole scheme of things. What does matter is whether you let people push your buttons.

 

Second see how she was 'interested" in you and whether you were attracted to her when you ignored her? What does that tell you? As opposed to when you go for the bait?

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What you do? Next time she wants it DON'T GIVE IT TO HER. Play her dumb little game, act childish yourself. Tease her.

 

..................Or you can be mature and communicate your feelings in a tactful manner laying out how you feel and that she can't keep doing this contradictory behaviour for power-hoarding.

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Next time she does this. Walk out of the room. Go get a chess set. Lay it out and tell her that you are ready to play a "game" now.

 

Geez... why put up with that type of game? I just dont understand playing a game versus living/enjoying a real relationship.

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Well, I brought it up on the way to church yesterday morning. She was asking me what was wrong, since I was quiet. So I told her, without accusing her of power-hoarding, but just how she made me feel. She got upset and started crying, saying that she was afraid our relationship would come to be all about sex, saying fine, we won't ever do it again, saying then we just won't shower together and I'll get dressed in the other room. I told her to knock it off and listen to me before getting all dramatic. I asked her how she'd feel if I asked if she wanted a massage and she said yes, but I just rolled over and went to bed. I told her it was flat-out teasing, and it hurts. She was still upset, so I told her that first of all, she asked, and second of all, I thought it was pretty terrible that I couldn't even bring my feelings up to my own girlfriend and have a normal discussion without it being blown out of proportion. I told her to pull over and that I was going to walk to church myself. She said "No, you're not", dropped me off there and let me sit by myself while she sat in the cry room with her nephew.

 

After mass, she apologized and said sometimes she does realize she's doing it, sometimes she doesn't. I told her maybe not showering together is a good idea, but she said she likes that time we share together in the morning. I told her I was talking more about respect than seeing her naked. It's in the context - if she propositions we have sex and turns away it's different than us taking a shower together or her getting dressed in front of me.

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Well, I think you should consider this the last conversation you have with her about it. She knows how much it bothers you. If she cannot follow through and treat you with respect and stop with the playing childish games and with being overly dramatic, then I'd suggest you walk.

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Well, I think you should consider this the last conversation you have with her about it. She knows how much it bothers you. If she cannot follow through and treat you with respect and stop with the playing childish games and with being overly dramatic, then I'd suggest you walk.

 

 

I agree. Don't put up with that.

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The thing is - it's confusing. I'm not even sure if she's playing power games or disrespecting me intentionally or what. Today, even though she was going to be late to work, she brushed the snow off my car for me. About a week ago, she bought me clothes just because she was thinking about me. And I mean - they were nice clothes, like she actually knew what I liked...not like she was trying to play dress-up with me.

 

She does all sorts of little things like that, that make me believe she cares, and then once in a while she'll do something like tease me. It's not like she's selfish, she does do things to show she's thinking of me and got my interests in mind, and that makes it even more confusing. Does she mean to do it or not?

 

I don't know...

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We've discussed marriage. She knows I'm a committed person to anything I do, and I am committed and true to her, and will be as long as she is the same to me. There shouldn't be a doubt in her mind that I plan on "buying the cow", so to speak.

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