nowonder Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 I think a lot of times people will end relationships because they focus too much on the bad things that may be happening, when there are a lot of good aspects to look at also, sometimes we just have to be reminded of the good, and it may take a break up, a long deep conversation, or something else maybe. But I believe that all relationships have goods and bads, sometimes the bads outweigh the good and vice versa, but it you're with someone that is willing to work things out, then regardless of how bad the relationship may be at the time, things will always work for the better eventually. The problem is, most people will leave when things are extremely bad, but starting to get better. And sometimes it's just time to move on and find somebody new, to let go of the false hope and just find somebody that will stick with you through all the thicks and thins that will come up eventually. Time apart is rarely ever easy on either party, but eventually things will get better and you either move on or let false hope lead you. Link to comment
startinover Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 In my case, I didn't really want to break up with her, as she was extremely kind hearted, fun, and beautiful, but there was so much difficulty she was going through, which resulted in no stability, and wild ups and downs, which really ended up messing ME up. After helping as best as I could, I became a complete wreck, and needed some support but never got it. So while I tried to keep her as level headed and "normal" as possible, she seemed barely willing to do the same for me. In the end, I was too much, so I broke it off. I reached out a few times, but she still maintained her walls and resentment, while being friendly... in November I explained things and poured out my heart to her, then got a birthday card from her a month later, but she declined on hanging out recently and wont take phone calls, only texting, and usually a full day later... boggles my ******* mind. As always, it depends on the circumstances. I can't know for sure, but I can almost guarantee that she wasn't nearly as hurt over the breakup as I was even though I dumped her. And I guarantee that she bounced back fast. She's quite the looker and definitely has a huge range of guys to choose from. Link to comment
gundr1kr Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 startinover- How long was your relationship? I dont think you can say that she wasnt hurt nearly as much you were....I think some woman try to act like it doesnt bother them, when really it does deep down. I just know that from my experience. I am one of those women. Do you wish to reconcile with your ex? And if so have you made it clear to her that you want to reconcile? Link to comment
SighSob Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 .. Really? Long lasting ones in between or just like a few months? I always figured once they've been with someone else, that's it...breaks the bond, you know? Maybe I am wrong. That's what I fear too. On the other side, I think that if they are GIGS victims, they need to see with their own eyes if the grass is greener or not, and that involves being with someone else. Now, if the grass IS greener, I think you can say goodbye to them. If it's not, who knows... Link to comment
startinover Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 startinover- How long was your relationship? I dont think you can say that she wasnt hurt nearly as much you were....I think some woman try to act like it doesnt bother them, when really it does deep down. I just know that from my experience. I am one of those women. Do you wish to reconcile with your ex? And if so have you made it clear to her that you want to reconcile? We were dating/together for a total of 10 months. Something happened a short time after we started dating, something that I don't wish upon my own worst enemy. Let's just say that she may bear the pain of it for the rest of her life, even though she has NO reason to. It took ME 6 months post breakup to heal from it, and I was only indirectly involved. I don't think there's hope for reconciliation. I've exhausted my options, given her 8 months to heal, sent a letter, a couple miss you emails, joked around a few times, and asked her to hang out once. The only thing I haven't tried is just being friends, which is what she really needs, but which I'm so piss poor at, I've tried so many times to just be friends with someone I've been intimate with, but my feelings always get in the way. I'm sorry for being vague, I'd love to talk about it, but I'm not sure there is a private message functionality on this board. If there is, please feel free to PM me, as I'd love to hear an outside female perspective on this. But in my case, I'm fairly certain it's over. Link to comment
wanderingjem Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 .. Really? Long lasting ones in between or just like a few months? I always figured once they've been with someone else, that's it...breaks the bond, you know? Maybe I am wrong. I have a tendency to agree with this, but what if they realize what they lost? What if they harbor some guilt about how the relationship ended? Link to comment
mr_zanon Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 .. Realizing what they lost could definitely bring them back. Guilt alone would not be enough. I wouldn't say definitely, but I think it's a condition that must be met. After all, if they don't think you're worthy, then why would they come back? Link to comment
nowonder Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 .. Exactly...that is what I meant.. .. Oh no, I have had ex's come back just because they were rebounding or lonely or whatever. I 'm not saying EVERYONE is like that, but coming back is not necessarily synonymous with loving you. Or it could be...just depends. are we talking about people that you have dumped coming back or people that dumped you? Link to comment
mr_zanon Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 are we talking about people that you have dumped coming back or people that dumped you? I was talking about the dumper coming back after realising that the relationship with the dumpee was a good one. Link to comment
searching1951 Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 Which book of Bonnie Weil described this dumper psychology? Link to comment
kelly ann Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 just wanted to lend more support for the intial post, and the next one that guessed that it would take about 4 months for a dumper to come back... my ex broke up with me at the end of september. it's now the end of january (4 months!) and he's back, wanting to work on getting back together again and spending the rest of our lives together. additional note, he did have a rebound... within two weeks of leaving me. they always come back. i believe everything the initial post said, after listening to my ex's account of what the hell he's been doing/thinking the past four months, i think it's pretty accurate. Link to comment
SighSob Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 yeah...unfortunately I think it's a common pattern...rebound/GIGS after 1/2 weeks which is going to last a couple months, then they come back...and I don't in any way mean that they come back for the right reasons, mind you. That's why most of the times when they come back, the dumpee has already moved on Link to comment
catfish1199 Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 I think I MAY be experiencing the beginning stages of this. She broke with me at the end of OCT. We hung out twice 2 weeks ago caomplete with a make out session. Aweek later after me trying to hook up for coffee, she said she needed to step back because "us seeing eachother wasnt going to help us move on and do what we need to do for ourselves." A week after that, two days ago, she said she couldnt figure out how to get a picture on the computer that she had promised me, and to come get the camera after she gets off work. I met her at the bar and hung out for a couple of ours with all of our mutual friends. She hung around me most of the time. It was good times. That guarantees that she will see me when I have to give back the camera. The only quesiton is...am I being friend zoned? Can she possibly be comfortable with me as a friend already? I tend to doubt it and think she is trying to be around me to see how I am coming along in my personal growth. I know she isnt seeing anyone right now, but I do know that she knows about a date I had at our favorite restaurant, because she called me on it! I guess I will find out soon enough. 3 months is now. 4 is in a month. Our anniversary is Jan 24th. wonder if she'll call. Link to comment
rapunzel Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 Which book of Bonnie Weil described this dumper psychology? I think the OP is referring to "Make Up Don't Break Up" by Dr. Weil. You can find excerpts of it on Google books. Link to comment
Muisje08 Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 I've got another question about this: What if the dumper left you for someone else (after a 5-year relationship - male dumper being 28 years old, female dumpee being 29)? Is there also a chance that they start to miss the dumpee? Or are chances much lower as they left you for someone else? Curious about your thoughts! Link to comment
nowonder Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 I think that a lot of these situations are exceptions to the rule, most of the time when people break up, it's totally for good, especially when the dumper is thinking with the intelligent mind and not the blind emotional one. When a person decides to break up with you, they've usually thought it through for a good amount of time and probably have thought about all the possible solutions and what ifs. Breaking up is hard to do and people don't just do it for fun or to keep things interesting in their lives. When it happens, they usually mean that it's over and it's time to move on, and whether we have moved on or not, they will be moving on and without you. I think that the best thing to do is just to move on also, so when the dumper does come back, the dumpee can make a more rational and intelligent decision about what he or she should do. After all, two people can love each other but still choose to be apart, because their beliefs, morals, passions, whatever else, may be conflicting. Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 I agree w/everything Nowonder says except for the possibility of both people still loving each other. If they still loved us, they wouldn't have left (barring abuse, infidelity, etc). I have never bought into the "I love you but can't with you" thing and never will. i don't buy alot of what people are selling out there Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 I really hate to say things like I did because I know we ALL want to believe. But I think hope can be a detriment (unless there really is reason to believe otherwise). It kept me in denial for months. the river in egypt? Link to comment
justletgo07 Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 I have been reading this thread and watching it grow for a while now, and although it has been said before, I want to caution people from finding hope in this post. I would say that most dumpers don't come back. Missing someone and wanting them back are VERY different things, and very often the reasons the dumper had for ending the relationship were valid. People tend to think that the only way to get back together is for the dumper to "regret" their decision, but I don't think that is the case. The dumper will come back if the attraction returns and their feelings for you return, and that's not something that anyone has any control over, nor is it a very common occurrence. The best thing the dumpee can do is to really and truly LET GO. Let the relationship completely, 100% fade from existence. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 Well coming from a dumper...what you say has alot of truth to it, but I didn't break up with my bf of nearly 5 years because I didn't love him....I miss the good times we shared together, the laughter we had...the great adventures. But my ex is a hard core drug addict who doesn't take meds for bipolar...I cannot be his savior anymore. I went through hell and back...so my situation was a bit different since chemical dependency was a huge factor...I work in the medical field and tried every avenue to help this poor man and I don't like giving up. Sometimes you just have to let go...I had to finally think of what was best for me for a change. I wish him the very best in life, it's just going to have to be without me. ~dream~ Right. I think whether they eventually really miss you or not is moot if the reasons for the break up are never resolved. Nine times out of ten when and if they DO come back it is over guilt and second guessing themselves, and guess what? The relationship problems surface all over again as soon as they hit status quo. I have no doubt that what you say is true - about after around two months the missing the ex and second guessing sinks in pretty hard, especially if they have not had the ex begging for them back (the begging almost always makes them very happy they left)...but that doesn't mean that you should want to take them back. The issues are still there, and I don't know about others but i wouldn't want an ex back because they felt bad or guilty for walking out on me. NOt to mention who wants to walk around wondering when they will have to be dumped all over again, which is a pretty strong likelihood? Second times around CAN work, but most of them end in these repeated cycles. The main reason they are more rare to work out is mostly because it can't work well if both people didn't want to change and made a lot of effort of working on their OWN shortcomings (because BOTh parties often have things that led to the break up) and had the ability to see their own hand in the break ... it isn't enough to tell the dumper all that they did wrong and all they need to fix. The successful reunions in regards to relationships are the ones where BOTH people concentrated on fixing their own issues and worked together.... Link to comment
nowonder Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 Right. The relationship problems surface all over again as soon as they hit status quo. NOt to mention who wants to walk around wondering when they will have to be dumped all over again, which is a pretty strong likelihood? This is good, very true, whenever I think about what I would do if my ex would ask me to come back, or if I am dwelling on false hope, I think about these things then I question myself whether I would actually want to go back and deal with the things that I was dealing with, even though I was the dumpee, I saw that I wasn't happy there, but didn't have the strength to do the dumping. Link to comment
brent642 Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 Wow, I haven't been here for some time and this thread has grown into a monster! Anyways, from reading this I have a few things to say... A LOT of relationships get back together. A LOT of relationships don't get back together. It's honestly about 50/50...so when someone says don't get your hopes up, don't. The advice is good. It really is. But that doesn't mean reconciliation can't happen. It happens A LOT, and also doesn't...A LOT. There's always going to be absolute optimists and pessimists on any forum. Just be aware of the two and make your own decisions. Because honestly, unless it's based statistical evidence, it's all supposition how often relationships split and reunite. That's just my 2 cents on the whole matter... Also... dumpers DO make bad decisions....ALL the time...even when they think it over for quite some time it is still often just validation for already an unfounded reason...I know because I've done it. Example: I was going out with a girl somewhat recently. I really had feelings for her but for some reason I wanted to see other people. I don't know why. I just had this emotional(illogical) desire to see other girls. Knowing this was irrational I thought for a loooong time how this was the justified thing to do. I knew deep down this was selfish and unfounded so for about a month I thought OVER and OVER in my head reasons to justify my already crappy reason to dump her. When I did eventually dump her, I regretted it. Because ultimately, I was just looking for some psychological validation for something that was already completely stupid. Point: Just because you think about something for a long time DOES NOT make it any more justifiable. Seriously. Link to comment
Pandaman211 Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 Damn Brent. Thats a great post Link to comment
SighSob Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 "Move on" doesn't mean forget about your ex, pretend she never existed and stop thinking about her. That would be "turn into a robot". You won't stop thinking about your ex - and hoping for a reconciliation - until you are happy with your life even if she's not a part of it. Moving on - to me - means to start working on your life in order to accomplish that ultimate goal: happiness. As weeks go by - thanks to new friends, new girls, new sports, new look, new interests.... - you will be slowly separating "happiness" from "reconciliation"... I mean, think about your ex as much as you like, rehash good memories over and over, wonder what she's thinking about...but please, meanwhile give yourself the chance of a happy future even if she doesn't come back. Link to comment
wheretonow Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 ^yep that's pretty much what I'm beginning to believe^ Good riddance though. i need a woman who will truly love and appreciate me. She never has and never will. Here, here. We do deserve a lot better! Link to comment
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