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  1. I'm trying so hard to move on. I've been dreaming about you almost every night and I hate it. I'm struggling to concentrate at work. I'm realizing that you couldn't give me the love I needed for a long time, and that it has turned me into an insecure, uncertain mess. It's not your fault. I think you wanted your feelings to come back...we just broke a long time ago and I didn't want to admit that we couldn't go back, and neither did you. Thanks for trying for so long. I know you're also sad that your feelings couldn't come back. I miss you. You were my plan and my future. Now I have no idea what I'm going to do. I was all in. I hope you're doing ok, whatever you're doing and wherever you are.
  2. It's a very carefully worded, very clear answer. The romantic chapter of your relationship is closed...sounds like for good. She sounds like a really self-aware, thoughtful and intelligent person who cares very much about you and cherishes the relationship that you had, while recognizing it ultimately wasn't what she wanted. Up to you whether you can or want to be friends. I imagine you already know what you're capable of doing at this point.
  3. I wouldn't read too much into her saying that she "needs months." She's basically saying she wants to move on, date other people, etc. I wouldn't give her months. I'd give her until she contacts you and says she's changed her mind...however long that would take. Good luck man.
  4. I don't put a lot of weight in statistics or trends about this stuff...relationships and reconciliations aren't a game of chance. Every single situation is unique, and just because some people have reconciled doesn't have any bearing on whether I will/won't or otherwise. Similarly, I could go to the gym everyday, go to counseling, get a new job, new clothes, a nice haircut, the works...and in all likelihood it would make no difference. That isn't how this stuff works. I've never had an ex change their mind, and I don't expect this time to be any different, especially because the circumstances that caused it are still there (we did an LDR for TOO long...and we're still on other sides of the planet). I appreciate all of the great feedback and thoughts, and I'm glad that my decision has been affirmed by you great people. I've been down this road before. I know it's over for good. It's scary and it hurts and I absolutely hate it.
  5. Thanks everyone. This really helps me feel better about my decision. Feels pretty dumb to be so hung up on and consumed by a few sentences on a phone...but I guess that's all part of the process. Just glad I have minimized the setback.
  6. Thank you for the replies, and for validating my decision not to respond. Just to clarify, I didn't "ask" her to let me know (just said she could), and I am of no illusions that she has any romantic feelings for me anymore. I didn't not see this text as a sign of anything. Moreso just curious whether ignoring the text would be impolite (along with the normal post-break up anxiety about such things). I do get it...it's over. Thanks everyone.
  7. Hi friends. I'm struggling with whether or not I should respond to a text from my ex. I'm hoping that maybe writing my thoughts and getting some feedback might help me feel more confident in my decision. We are both late 20s/early-30s, broke up a little over a month ago and I have been NC since we sorted out exchanging stuff a few days later. During the break-up I did my best to be calm and agree with her decision, even to be positive and crack a few jokes ("Next time try to fall in love with someone who lives nearby!" As part of that, she had asked if I still wanted to talk or just be left alone. At the time I told her it would be fine if she let me know where she ends up (she has been waiting to hear about a post-grad school fellowship offer). Anywho, last Thursday I received a message from her letting me know that she has heard back about where she has been placed and how she's feeling about the placement. She said she hopes I'm doing well, and added that she was "just letting me know" because she "promised to," and that "she's sorry if I really didn't want to hear from her." She didn't ask any questions about me or how/what I'm doing. In my opinion it was a very closed message, though I don't know if that was because she didn't want me to respond or was guarding herself against the possibility that I wouldn't, or both. (Yes, I realize that the reason doesn't matter) Anywho, I'm not wondering whether she wants me back. It's pretty clear from her message that her feelings on this haven't changed, and that's fine. So far, I've decided not to respond at all, my primary reasons being: 1) This message was clearly about her fulfilling what she claims she promised to do (promise was a strong word...I simply said she could let me know). She was kind in her message, but also didn't ask me anything or give me anything to really respond back to. 2) I was traveling back abroad to where I work right after we broke up, and she asked me to please let her know when I made it safe. I did, and also wished her a happy birthday (it was the next day). No response from her. Not even a "thank you." That didn't feel nice. 3) I know myself well enough that even if I send a closed, simple response like "Thanks for letting me know. Good luck." that I will likely still be disappointed if she doesn't write back at all, and I'm not interested in setting myself back. 4) There's also the possibility that me responding could open up lines of communication and she might start texting me more or asking how I'm doing, etc., and in my mind it's just too soon. I'm hurting and trying so hard to keep my mind in the present and my eyes in front of me, and I know that it would set me back to have an on-the-surface conversation with her barely 30 days since after the I-love-yous and pet names stopped. 5) I can't think of any reason to respond that's not somehow tactical. I'm scared to ignore her because I'm afraid she'll never talk to me again, because of course I want what everyone wants - that slim possibility that down the road we'll reconcile. Reality is she decided to let me go and risk us never talking again, so it feels like I'd mostly be responding to try and control something that I have absolutely no control over anyway. For the first few days I felt pretty OK with my decision, but this week I am struggling. I am justified in not responding, right? The break-up is really recent! I'm not mad at her, hold no ill will, and I don't like the idea of ignoring someone I care about, but I just don't want a setback when this already sucks! I just figure that I'm the only one I can trust to look out for me and my feelings, and that I definitely can't bank on her having my best interests in mind. Ignoring a single text message is not that big a deal in the scheme of things, right? I feel week asking the typical "second chance" questions, but ignoring one text message won't close all doors forever, right? In reality, no matter how I respond or if I respond, it doesn't change anything about the current situation, and that's what I should focus on...right? At the moment, I'm torn between sending the simple "Thanks" message or just letting it go and not responding. I figure no matter what I'll wonder "what if I had done the other thing?" I know being tactical doesn't work. I know that there's nothing I can do to change how she feels about me. I seriously just want to let it go and move forward and stop hurting. I'm working really hard on keeping busy and distracting myself and trying to focus on me and my needs and my own improvement...and the past few days I've just been struggling... If you were me, what would you do? Thanks, friends.
  8. I would focus on moving on, letting go, and trying to accept that it's over. Taking this approach will set you up much better regardless of how/if she responds in 2 weeks. If she changes her mind, then great, you can deal with that. If she doesn't, you will be ready for it and can focus on moving on by continuing what you've already been doing. I personally don't think 2 weeks is enough time. These things take a lot of time to work through. I think that if you want any chance, you should back WAY off, and maybe consider telling her that you guys don't need to stick to an arbitrary timeline...that she can just take whatever time she needs to sort through her feelings, and that she knows how to reach you if she needs to.
  9. Everyone thinks their story is unique. I think that's a hard thing to overcome. It's hard to listen to or see peoples' points when you feel like no one has every felt the way you do right now. Surely there can't be a common theme or pattern to the very unique love you're experiencing, right? It's not that your love wasn't unique, it's that people often uncouple in fairly similar ways. I think a lot of willingness to take advice comes from experience. After a few big break-ups, I think most folks know what to do. That's what it's been like for me coming back this time. The advice is actually pretty simple, regardless of the circumstances. Read my posts and you'll see how I've changed over the past 10 years through 3 break-ups. You do really adjust and learn from your mistakes. It's so easy when you're in the thick of things to believe that every small thing is some sign or that you should be dissected every letter to figure out the meaning of a text like "hi." Ultimately, I think the result is typically the same regardless of the advice. Whether you beg and pine or disappear from day 1, life goes on. This stuff is forgotten. It ends up being a drop in the bucket whether you end up a total mess or take the high road during a break up. I think that's often what the people that come here want...that maybe if they throw their story into the universe that time will stop flowing and life will stop moving on without them. For all you new people, go out and do what you feel is right and learn from it. We'll be here at all steps of the process.
  10. She called your bluff, man. This is why all these coaching, get your ex back things are often bad news...not only do they not work, but they make the dumpee put themselves out there unnecessarily, and dumpees are often not great at follow through. You said you can't be friends, and now you're sticking around. The date is likely more guilt and pressure and pity (and likely missing you and caring about you) but doesn't seem to have much to do with attraction or wanting to. You seem very keen on reconciliation, and are ignoring what she's saying about not wanting it. I would cancel the date. It's not going to go how you want it to, and if anything, it risks setting you back considerable and reopening all of these wounds. Walk away from this. She knows what you want and knows where to find you if she changes her mind. Sticking around isn't going to change anything.
  11. You've already told her what you want, repeatedly. She has stayed in the probably no to no category. I don't think staying in contact at this point will be helpful, nor will apologizing anymore or saying you want to make it work. Those conversations have been had. I would step away. If she changes her mind, she will come to you. Your last interaction went ok, but sadness will likely turn to anger, and I don't think you will want to be around for that.
  12. How long has it been since the BU? Maybe it would be consider not being friends...for now. Take 30+ days to yourself, or however long it takes you to think clearly. Your goal is reconciliation, but that can only really come from her, and you being a great friend to her isn't really going to have much of an impact...and may actually set you back and open opportunities for more unpleasant interactions. I've done the whole try to be friends thing, for almost a year. It's a great path if you want to spend the next several months feeling nervous and unsatisfied. Whatever you decide, look out for yourself. No one else is going to.
  13. I'm sorry to rain on your parade, but...this is the risk you took. 5 weeks isn't very long, and if you're getting lonely to the point of needing to be/talk intimately with someone else then it may be that you just weren't that invested in this relationship. You cheated, and this is what happens when you cheat. I think it's an important thing for everyone to learn, and hopefully you'll take this lesson with you. As far as your ex is concerned, it sounds like you've already apologized repeatedly and asked for another chance, and she has said no. To continue to insist on what YOU want will just demonstrate that you don't get it and that, just like with your cheating, you're focused mostly on you. You should admit your mistake, admit that you know what that means, and tell her that you accept her decision. It's 100% in her court at this point, and I think you should focus a lot more on what she is saying right now than what you're feeling. There isn't any way to undo what has been done. In the meantime, you should figure out whether you really love this girl, or if you're upset that you got caught. Good luck.
  14. Hi there. I'm sorry you're hurting. I'm also 2 weeks out from a break-up after almost 5 years together...and our break-up also came out of an argument/fight. I know exactly how you feel. It hurts, it sucks, you feel blindsided, and you feel responsible for losing the most important relationship in your entire life. "What if we just hadn't had that fight?!" As other posters have said, this break-up was likely coming. I think in these situations our dumpers often don't know exactly WHEN they will do it, but they've been having a feeling for some time that things just aren't right, and I think an argument often gives a convenient moment to say "I can't do this anymore," without seeming like it has come out of nowhere. A lot of people talk about the "getting too comfortable/taking each other for granted" reason for break-ups...and I guess I don't really buy it. Relationships naturally have ups and downs, and the whole point of an LTR is you're supposed to be able to get comfortable! I think that often, a relationship has just run its course for a person. It's not about going back and rekindling what you originally had. It's about one person in the relationship having their wants or needs change, and no longer seeing those needs or that future in the person they are with. Emotions are irrational, and people will stay with someone who is treating them terribly as long as they see/want that future with them. Unfortunately, our exes are willing to lose us forever rather than stick around and work through things together, and I think that is what we should focus on (unfortunately). Odds are, they don't even know why things changed. They just did. I do think NC is best, as is trying not to dwell on the potential for reconiliation. There are no odds or %s you can look to, and its unfortunately totally outside of any of our control.
  15. I miss you. It's been over 2 weeks since I last saw you/since we last spoke. You didn't respond to my text that I made it home safe, even though its a text you asked for. I wonder if I'll ever talk to you again. I wonder if there is someone else. I wonder if you'll ever think back on this decision with regret. I want so badly to move on. I am moving on as best I can. I just wish I didn't have to.
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