What a "dumper" feels

[HopeArises]

Anna,

 

Interesting how you prefaced your reply by saying you agree with me, yet the you devoted your last 2 paragraphs stating how you really don't agree with anything I wrote.

 

You feel that if the dumpee contacts the dumper after a period of silence has occurred that it will be awkward and that the dumper will usually never be comfortable with the contact, because as the dumper you will ALWAYS know that the dumpee wants you back? Again, this is you not really agreeing with what I said at all.

 

NC is meant for the dumpee to heal, detach, get stronger, find inner peace, etc, but it ALSO demonstrates (through the ACTUAL ACT OF NC) self-respect, independence and strength, to be able to walk away, showing the dumper that perhaps the dumpee doesn't need them, or is strong enough to survive/live/find happiness WITHOUT THEM. This doesn't necessarily bring the dumper back, but it can change the perception the dumper has of the dumpee, if in fact that reason the dumper left the dumpee due to loss of feelings/lack of attraction.

 

When the dumpee COMPLETELY withdraws it forces the dumper to LIVE with their decision. Sure, the dumper might be relieved and happier without the dumpee, but by the same token, complete silence DOES create a curiosity, which CAN create the door to be opened slightly for opportunities to have contact with them and them be more open to having it, seeing time had passed and changes COULD HAVE occurred. Again, this is all a perception that can either be proven true or not after contact has been re-established.

 

So, to get back to your original thoughts, you feel that no matter when or in what manner the dumpee reaches out in the future (after silence), it is usually always with the intention to get back with the dumper. This is obviously how YOU felt when you as the dumper had former dumpees contact you after a period of silence occurred. I'm assuming at first you were thrown off and then you were UNSURE and not completely trusting of them (as though they had an motive). That is normal, but if they truly WERE happier and healthier than they were before NC was implicated, I'm sure you had a level of curiosity (if you were single). Now, again, what I emphasized was that the dumpee has to be STRONG and have the right mental attitude if he or she wants to break NC. If you are confident and strong and independent and NON-reactive, the dumper MIGHT feel AT FIRST on guard, but those walls can come down if they actually realize that there is TRUE change on the part of the dumpee and not just a FAKE FACADE. Again, it all comes down to how things were left off prior to NC and how long NC lasted for and just how much the dumpee truly worked on themselves during this time apart. If they did, then it WILL be evident and the dumper will not be able to overlook it. It will always be slightly awkward, but that can ALWAYS be overcome with confidence.

[intotheself]

I believe that regardless of NC, or breaking NC, reconciliation absolutely depends on dumpers' change of mind as well as viablity of the relationship. Showing them your independece by going NC for a few months is not enough. Coming back, with whatever attitude or confidence, shows that you are not strong enough to live without them.

 

You need to actually walk away, leave them for good. Every second spent on thinking about how to get them back is a waste of your valuable life. Stop wanting a person who does not want you any more, or did not love you enough to stay. A relationship can't work even between the two people in love with each other when there are some issues of compatibility.

 

 

Reduce time you spent on ENA reading and posting. ENA is helpful for getting support after BU but this GBT forum could feed you false hope or wishful thinking, which is not good for your mental health or reconciliation that you hope for ultimately!

 

I am not intending to discourage you. I am encouraging you to be strong.

[Popoloids]

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