What a "dumper" feels

[jenna981]

that probably works, as you said, if their was too much or a lack of attention. if they don't already have someone to go to after they dump you or find someone else shortly after, they won't "miss" having you around..they have someone else to replace who they dumped.

[Robert013]

that probably works, as you said, if their was too much or a lack of attention. if they don't already have someone to go to after they dump you or find someone else shortly after, they won't "miss" having you around..they have someone else to replace who they dumped.

 

 

I disagree. I don't think another person can make a dumper not miss there ex. Initially yes, but you can not hide or block feelings if they are there forever behind another person.

 

I found that out the hard way yesterday. Feelings will come out if they are there no matter how hard you try to block them.

 

If they did not love or care for the dumpee then they will not miss them anyway.

 

I don't really care anymore if she misses me or not she is apart of my past. I also do not see her as being apart of my future.

[twrtwn]

LouLee -you have no idea how I feel akin to you. Your man sounds just like my ex. Reading your post....so familiar. Check out my replies to you. I just hope he can, like your man, get past his pride and stubborness to sooner or later make contact. I prefer NC to help me move on. Unlike your situation, I doubt we would ever run into each other since we live in distant cites (a little over an hour apart and each have our own friends) so I don't know if they need to see you out once in a while or need to hear about you once in awhile to get the memories and nestolgia going (he is friends with my brother who introduced us - but may avoid him now too since he knew my brother would be pissed) ? He is also not one to express sentiment or "I love you's" or "I miss you" and got irritated when I just wanted to hear it. He did say it on the phone and at tiimes or respong to my "I love you" but he told me from the start, even in his marriage, he wasn't comfortable with that and showed he cared instead. Which he did. I guess I may have pushed him away with discussing things he wasn't comfortable with - and I also wanted to figure out where he stood on things and I'm not sure he even knew, since he wasn't one to deal with his feeling well - Mr. Tough Guy. So, thank you for your inspiration since you have a similar-like man. I can only hope we can end up the same and I'm not going to wait around for him to figure it out. I need to be happy and move on and then, what happens, happens. It's all up to the man upstairs. But thank you!

[fauxshizzlee]

I was dumped because my ex-gf because she got GiG syndrome (grass is greener) Im not sure if u can ever trust her with my heart again cuz she ripped it out and did seem to give rats a**

 

thats exactly what happened to me

[mike345]

Hey guys, I was dumped 8 weeks ago yesterday, I know within the first few weeks that she was missing me because she told a friend. could this reverse though, what I mean by that is could she start out missing me then slowly not care by the end of 8 weeks? Thanks

[Linderly]

I broke up with my boyfriend 6 weeks ago . I did it rashly after a big fight we had and I threw off an e-mail the next day asking him not to contact me. l did it mostly because the extent of his anger in the argument frightened me. He had quit smoking and I rudely continued to smoke in front of him so that is what caused the argument. I also felt I had been somewhat ignored by him lately and felt a little unloved.

 

I really regret the break-up and the feeling has been really strong for the past week. It could be he was just irritable from quitting smoking and I didn't see it. Maybe he wanted to break up. I just don't know.

 

We have broken up 5-6 times during the course of our 4 yr relationship and it has always been initiated by me during arguments. He hates that I do this and feels I run away. I feel he goes overboard with mean words during arguments. Most of the time we have a good relationship and have shared so many good times. I know he hates being broken up with.

 

I feel terrible and miss him so much! I sent him a Xmas card and wrote that I was sad I wouldn't be with him at Xmas. Then last night I sent an e-mail explaining something, told him I was sorry I was rude to smoke in front of him, and that I had also quit smoking. I told him that I know I have lost him, but that I loved him just the same.

 

I guess all I can do is wait now to see if he responds.

 

What would you guys want your ex to do if she wanted you back after dumping you? Would she have a chance? He was wrong too in the way he yelled scarily during the argument. I would want to try again but he would need to acknowledge this. I just wish we could have a conversation about it.

[Robert013]

You asked him not to contact you then you contact him. Now you want him to contact you. He is respecting you. Quitting smoking is hard so it could have added to things getting out of hand. Also added to his intensity during the fight.

 

5-6 breakups in 4 years that is alot. maybe he has finally realized it is not going to work and is letting you go. running away (cooling off) from a fight is one thing but breaking up over every little fight is another.

 

There are obviously some comunication issues. You need to wait for him now give him some space to cool off.

[ljp]

I agree with What Robert said, but did you specifically say you wanted to get back together in the email or did you just say you loved him and missed him? Generally when people on here get emails from the ex who was the dumper, everyone counsels them NOT to respond unless its explicitly clear that the dumper wants to get back together and is willing to work to make that happen. Since you dumped him, you need to be VERY clear about your intentions or he might be afraid to read into it that you want to get back together if you didn't expressly say that.

[Linderly]

Oh no..I just got Xmas card from him. This is what it says:

 

"Thanks for the card and note. Writing this is difficult and sad. We've both been independent too long and change feels impossible. I think I'm better off alone. I dont want it to be this way but I have to accept it. Its not that I dont care for you but I have to admit that I just can't get along with anybody"

[CatsMeeoow]

Oh no..I just got Xmas card from him. This is what it says:

 

"Thanks for the card and note. Writing this is difficult and sad. We've both been independent too long and change feels impossible. I think I'm better off alone. I dont want it to be this way but I have to accept it. Its not that I dont care for you but I have to admit that I just can't get along with anybody"

 

Wow - he put some thought into that...

 

I would let it go... the holidays are such an emotional time...

 

Give him some space and understand that for right now he means what he just said.

 

I am very sorry - and I know how much it hurts.

 

hugs!

[Linderly]

Wow....I want to go tell him that we have spent so much time where we get along well. He sounds depressed to me. Should I really let it go?

[CatsMeeoow]

Wow....I want to go tell him that we have spent so much time where we get along well. He sounds depressed to me. Should I really let it go?

 

Yup -

 

He has to be the one to realize you had good times too... you telling him right now will not make him see it.

 

I know it hurts but you need to let him be.

[Linderly]

Oh my! Try as I might I couldn't let it be! I felt I had broken his heart and it might be my last chance! I should be there for him if he is depressed and I need to stop running away! I drove over there and told him I would help him through anything! We are back together!

 

That my friend is the crazy mind of a dumper! All based on fear of making a mistake and possibly marrying the wrong person. I've been divorced once and don't want to do it again. And for me..it is all that fear. But life is a risk no matter what course we take..and I just keep forgetting that..

[Pandaman211]

I feel like this needs to get bumped back to the first page, so that a some of the dumpees can have some perspective

[nowonder]

in the first post, it said:

 

She also says that although the dumper STARTS to miss you within the first couple of weeks, it normally takes about 6 to 8 weeks for the feelings of missing you to REALLY start setting in, AS LONG AS THE OTHER PERSON DOES NOT PURSUE.

 

and:

 

Again, this is as long as they do not feel pressured by the other person, and the relationship broke up either because of not enough attention by the dumpee or too much attention (neediness).

 

did the book say anything about what the process would be if the dumpee does pursue or pressure the dumper to get back together in the beginning of the initial process?

 

will it just delay the start of the "missing you" process?

or will it just make the process not happen at all?

 

what if there is contact of some other kind, like emailing, or talking about things that are unrelated to getting back together?

 

what if the break up was for a reason other than too much attention, or too little attention? you know?

[JT4266]

will it just delay the start "missing you" of the process?

 

 

what if there is contact of some other kind, like emailing, or talking about things that are unrelated to getting back together?

 

From my experience contact made me delay the evaluation of how I really felt about the breakup and it wasn't until contact was extremely limited did I have to confront my feelings and eventually realize that I still loved my ex. This is just me though and I didn't leave my ex for someone else or anything like that.

 

Time apart is best for all parties to sort out their feelings, as painful as it may be.

[ckm_73]

So what's the name of this book by Dr. Weil?

[atlanticstar]

So what's the name of this book by Dr. Weil?

 

I believe it is titled "Make Up, Don't Break Up".

[IMAbadman]

Well here's my story and a few tips on getting back together.

 

 

[nowonder]

I think regardless of why the a person is dumped, depending on the person that did the dumping, there may or may not be a chance to get back together with somebody, regardless of when the dumper starts to realize how it really feels to be without the dumpee. Sometimes people break up because things just haven't been going well for a while, and the person to make the move to do the dumping, just gets to it first. Especially when things get so bad that people fall out of love with each other, and they were only staying together because they wanted to avoid being hurt or hurting the other. In other words, sometimes people stay together because it's comfortable, but when not being happy is something that is taken into consideration, and takes the relationship to a point where the happiness and the comfort is weighed against each other, eventually people will realize that while breaking up is painful, the pain will go away eventually, but being in a relationship that isn't going anywhere can make the two parties unhappy but yet they choose to stay together because it is less painful for the moment.

 

In a relationship like the one described above, getting back together may be a very bad idea because eventually things will go back to the way they were.

 

Unless you allow plenty of time between the moment the break up happens, and the moment you are getting back together, and allow yourselves to change and mature over time, there is nothing that will really change in the way a relationship will operate from the way it has been operating already.

 

I think time will heal all existing wounds and will create a new routine for a couple that is getting back together, at least that's what I think. Let me know what you think.

[nowonder]

that's true, just like if the dumpee was to get into a relationship right after they get dumped, they'll miss the dumper less. But if both parties are still single and grieving, I believe both will begin to miss the other more when they finally fully and completely realize that things are really over, you know when it sinks in completely and fully.

[SighSob]

I think the difference lies in whether or not the dumper has left you for someone else. They will miss you more if they are single or just casually dating others. But if they are in another relationship, it is unlikely.

 

Sigh... that's why after 2.5 years spent together my ex doesn't miss me a tiny bit...I thought it was strange but it makes perfect sense...](*,)

[rapunzel]

I left my LTR of 4.5 years for several reasons, it wasn't working, he had deal breaker personality issues AND I met my ex who gave me the final impetus to leave.

 

Well, the rebound with my ex did not work out, surprise surprise and led to a LOT of heartache and a rough last 1.5 years. I still have to see him as we work together part time and it has been an incredible challenge.

 

I do miss my ex-ex and we are in contact. We even spent a lot of the day together last Sunday. Whether or not we will reconcile I don't know. I do know that he hasn't changed all that much and the reasons I left are still there. I am quite certain the same issues would rear their ugly heads and I would not be happy. Although it may very likely may be a mistake for us to try again, I do miss a lot about the relationship, mainly the comfort and security of steady companionship.

 

So a year and a half later, after two failed attempts with rebound guy, I find myself mourning the loss of my LTR, even though I left for valid reasons and it would probably be best for me to try to meet someone else. Sigh. That's how this dumper (and most recently, dumpee) feels.

[ckm_73]

Being new to this board... this thread has helped me stay positive at a time when I've been feeling pretty down and helpless.

 

I'm at almost 2 months since my fiance broke up with me. Basically been in NC the whole time. I begged and pleaded a bit just afterwards, but discovered NC pretty early on. I did send a christmas card and a happy new year text, which she did reply to with "you too".

 

The breakup was very shocking to me and she was also upset about it, but she felt she had been giving so much and I was not and she became exhausted with it. She said she didn't think she was in love with me anymore. This really hurt, but it was only a few weeks prior that she told me she was sure she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me.

 

I'm very hopefull that she's just taking a much needed break from me. That some given time and not getting any pressure from me she will regain some feelings and we can try again. She did love me very much and we overall had a good relationship.

 

Meanwhile I'm doing my best to stay positive and work on my issues so I will be ready and fully equiped when she's ready to contact me.

[coldplay.]

Sigh... that's why after 2.5 years spent together my ex doesn't miss me a tiny bit...I thought it was strange but it makes perfect sense...](*,)

 

Its alright, dont let this inflate your hope but ive seen more often than not the lasting reconciliations were between people that did have relationships in between.