What a "dumper" feels

[Liraele]

I never said men dont, i said men shouldnt.

 

Introduce me to a man that never does....I'd just sincerely like to meet one, to know they exist. (Don't turn the challenge back on me... not sure I could find a woman that actually doesn't to some degree, by your definition.)

 

 

And I guess you can call it what you want, but to many, its called, "playing games". I dont want to start a fight because i am too tired from work and I dont want to see some exhibit. I dont want to hear how I dont care abotu you because I planned a trip that cost xxxx (which means you think i like my friends more now), but now your parents show up and I have to cancel, or how I didnt show i cared to your perfections when you were sick because I was late for my cousins bachelor party (which means i am going to cheat on you with a stripper). I hate these little questions asked when you know i love you and care for you, the rest isnt needed, its a headache. A confident girl doesnt have to test me.

 

Wow, that's kind of.... annoying. That was a lot of rationalizing on someone's part. (Not yours.)

 

Note, there is a difference from tests, and what a partner is expected to do. Walking away from me because you learned someone died, and i chase after you trying to comfort you, thats expected, fighting with me and walking off from when you started the fight, then complaining i didnt chase after you... is a test, and is retarded. This might not be you, but women do do this, everyone from the sweethearts to the real fools, from my experience and others, the books I have read just help explain it some-what.

 

Hmm, that's one I didn't think of, but is a good example. The first one isn't really a "test" - it's a relationship expectation. You play the role of the comforter.

 

The second one is a game. You think of tests in reference to games - those are the type you take issue with, and that I'd agree with. I greatly dislike games. Just say what you have to say and get on with it.

 

 

I dont think anyone advocated anyone going to any extreme side. A man who acts hard all the time fighting would have more problems than attracting a female, he should be worried about unattracting person inmates instead. And I dont think anyone is advocating going to any extremes on this post.

 

And I can bet all the money I have, that girls I went out with, and any I will go out with, will think me getting jealous of them as "cute", but me not caring and laughing it off would be "sexy"- because i am threatened by no dead or living man on earth, my confidence is iron, and I show no break in my armor, and no threat to me. When girls flirted with me, and my ex got mad, i saw weakness, but trust me it was cute and i wanted to kiss her, but when she didnt care, I looked at my gf like she knew that girl couldnt hold a candle to her.

 

There is a fine line to that, however, and how you handle it is most likely key. Indifference, taken to an extreme, does more harm than outright jealousy would.

[Thorshammer]

Introduce me to a man that never does....I'd just sincerely like to meet one, to know they exist. (Don't turn the challenge back on me... not sure I could find a woman that actually doesn't to some degree, by your definition.)

Lol, I am not saying there arent. I used to probably be the freaking king of tests. And I was a weak fool for doing it. My ex had a bad habit of making me feel secondary to her friends, so that really screwed things up for me.

 

But which guy... this guy hopefully. There are guys that dont play tests, they are too confident. I mean, no one is a robot, I am sure something might slip his lips, but he will try to kill it, and if he really is confident and cool, he wont care. he is confident, but he loves his woman and shows it. And if communication is SOLID, no test will be needed from either side.

 

 

 

Wow, that's kind of.... annoying. That was a lot of rationalizing on someone's part. (Not yours.)

 

 

 

Hmm, that's one I didn't think of, but is a good example. The first one isn't really a "test" - it's a relationship expectation. You play the role of the comforter.

 

 

The second one is a game. You think of tests in reference to games - those are the type you take issue with, and that I'd agree with. I greatly dislike games. Just say what you have to say and get on with it.

Test is picking on the man to see who he is, or pushing his buttons to get a reaction. This comes from insecurity. I guess a "cute" way to say it is to put your mans words further into actions, but I dont agree with this. I do kiss and hug and all that other stuff. This is why people joke around saying women are bi-polar sometimes (no offense), or they say that shes on that day of the month.

 

 

 

There is a fine line to that, however, and how you handle it is most likely key. Indifference, taken to an extreme, does more harm than outright jealousy would.

 

I agree, this will just promote more "tests" from the woman. But there is a lot left out. I do believe in honesty, loyalty, being there for her when she needs it, showing affection, showing love and everything else in and between to make those moments above weaker when compared to what the man continues to offer.

 

I do not believe in giving in to these tests though. And I will not reward this type of behavior with shows of weakness, because showing love and passion when shes pushing your buttons, is weakness, and many will see it as that. I do admit, its usually immature woman who do this, and to some extent, really beautiful woman that are used to being chased and catered to, but i know many woman that pop a test here and there out of nowhere.

[Maverick1984]

There's a reason why women test men by the way...

 

They do it to consistently see if she can steer a man off course and to feel his strength.

 

The reality for a 'true man' is that his purpose in life is no.1 with his relationships 2nd.

I always use the analogy of a train. The man's the driver and along the way a woman will board the train and be lead to the destination a man's going.

Some women will choose to get off the next stop, others will choose to stay. But the reality is, only the driver knows where he's going.

 

Think about it. Does a real train driver change the path if a woman nagged? Hardly. The path is set, and all she can ever do is get off the train and find one that goes to where she wants to go

 

There's no way the train driver will ever follow her in order to succumb to her requests. The same as if an ex chooses to leave, there's no sense in following her - That's the biggest test in my opinion... "Are you going to follow and come off course if i decide to leave?"

 

I truly believe that this is what's in the woman's mind subconsciously when she breaks up with her boyfriend.

 

A man's purpose, character and confidence doesn't depend on the woman he's with - It depends on him... Regardless of how she feels, it will not affect how he feels and will remain unscathed, present and strong.

 

He's the rock for her to lean on to support her roller coaster of emotions.

 

That's how i see it.

[playstheblues]

Just bumping this thread as I'd be interested to hear the thoughts of anyone who has any thoughts on what a dumper feels and the process of reconciliation.

[BH129]

This thread has given me hope. My wonderful husband (been together 7 years) left me two weeks ago. As far as I am concerned this came completely out of the blue - I thought we were happily married.

 

The convincing himself he has made the right decision bit seems absolutely true in my situation. I am more than happy to give him space and time and really hope he will come to his senses in time. We really do have something worth fighting for but he has never communicated about the things that were making him unhappy.

 

The difficult thing is how do I do no-contact when he is contacting me wanting to make arrangements about selling our house etc? Is it okay to maintain contact as long as I don't pursue? I really believe he is really mixed up about this - he seems so sad himself that I can't believe this is what he really wants but having made his decision it seems he is trying to put as much firm ground under his decision as possible. Hence trying to sell the house asap and so on.

 

I will do anything to make it right between us because I love him more than life. Any advice?

[bluemoon75]

I think my mistake was when I was dumped I didn't ended the contact. We still text every day and spent time together. I was still there for her whenever she needed me. Now that I want more than a friendship she has decided she doesn't want to hear it. Maybe if I made her miss me in the beginning it would have turned out differntly. With us having nc only one of two things will happen one is out of sight out of mind or two you don't know what you have until its gone. With the holidays coming it will be esp hard.

[playstheblues]

BH129 - I really feel for you. I am in the same situation except I have been broken up for 3 months. (we were together for almost ten years and were planning our wedding.- we were together when we were really young so that's why we weren't already married) It has since come to light that he is suffering dreadfully from depression but in the beginning first month he seemed fine and then everything went to pieces. We have sold our property and I made the decision to move to live with my brother over the next couple of months because in the beginning my ex was very adamant that he had made the right decision.

 

I also thought that I could handle doing anything and I have been waiting patiently (ok not so patiently at times) but it seems he is not ready to change his mind- and the truth is- he may never be. He has since said he is really unsure - made a bad decision, feels horrible, misses me terribly etc etc but has not made any inroads to getting back together. Oh god- I'm in hell.

 

I am not sure what to advise you because right now, I don't feel much better than I did three months ago. Initially I was so confused as to what happened but now I can see and understand why the breakup happened- it came down to pressure, perceived pressure and with him being depressed, he saw everything in a negative light and convinced himself that our relationship was the cause of his pain when in reality it was part much larger problems that he is having with his life.

 

Are you able to elaborate on what happened between you? I hope that some other dumpers or dumpees that have reconciled may be able to give you (and me) some indications of the process of reconciliation - because I'm not ready to give up yet, and by the sounds of it, you aren't either. If you can get him to slow down on the selling of the property, then I think that would be a positive thing. Use any reason you can to just buy yourself some time- it may not make any difference, but it might give you the time you need to deal with the situation. Tell him you understand and you are trying to come to terms with his decision but that you need time to come to terms with it - it is your house too and you shouldn't have to sell straight away. It sounds like he is exactly like my ex and in a bit of a manic state- trying to do everything at once.

 

Bluemoon - I've always wondered, is it Absence makes the heart grow fonder or absence makes the heart go wander?? Someone on this forum - - can't remember who sorry - has a fabulous quote as their signature line and it says

Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and fans the bonfire. ~François Duc de La Rochefoucauld

I wonder about this ......... I'm considering going NC and have just moved away from my ex to get some space so really don't know what the best thing to do is. Obviously I want to reconcile so I wonder if NC is the best way to achieve this and if this will cause his heart to go wander or grow fonder. I would like to think we were one of the great loves because we were together for nearly a decade and our breakup was not well thought out or a good decision- the decision was made in a panicked, depressed state (by his own saying- not mine) but i'm not sure if this makes any difference to the outcome. Obviously we weren't too great or we would not have broken up at all.

[BH129]

Hi playstheblues - thank you for your reply.

 

I didn't want to bore people with the gory details. But essentially I think what has happened is that my husband, has without me realising, it built up a lot of resentment towards me, which he has never communicated and so therefore these feelings have overwhelmed him. I also believe he may be depressed. He lsot his mother to cancer and then last year his father was also diagnosed with cancer. He feels he has been very supportive to his father who has shown little reciprocal interest. He has hated his job for a long time but feels unable to leave because he is the main bread winner. I left a well paid job in order to move over 150 miles to be with my husband (so he could be near his father when his mother passed away). I am a horse lover and owner and returned to working with horses. Over the last few years I have been building up my own business - this has involved a lot of training and time away from home, study and exams and in the last year my business has really taken off but being such a young business I have really had to throw my heart and soul into it... I've worked a lot of hours and with work and my own horses I really haven't been around as much as I needed to be. I never saw this as a problem because I didn't expect that I would always have to work this hard and I was trying to cut down on the time with my own horses (who are all rescues and therefore time consuming) - we had always been independent and had our own interests and I saw this has a healthy thing. The time we did have together was great so I didn't see a problem. However I realise now that my poor husband felt trapped in a job he hated bringing in the money but also doing most of the work around the house because I was never there - and to him it just seemed like I was 'swanning around' having a lovely time with horses and not contributing financially! In truth I do love my job but I was working very very hard, and I was only working so hard because I was desperate to get to a point where I could contribute financially...

 

He has said he felt second best to the horses. He never ever was but I can see how he felt that way. I have offered to give up my work and all but one of my horses but it seems there is nothing I can do. I just wish he had told me how he was feelng because I would have done anything - and still would.

 

This was such a shock to me as I had no hint whatsoever he was unhappy in the relationship - i knew he was unhappy at work and with the way things were with his father so I never looked beyond that. I am not the only one who is shocked - all our friends and family can't believe this has happened as they all thought we were blisfully happy too.

 

I am more than happy to give him whatever space and time he needs to hopefully see that actually he misses me and that we could work this out. But I am afraid he won't let me give him that space because he is already wanting to make moves regarding splitting up our finacial assets such as the house. He came back today to collect his belongings and he seems so sad - but I think as the OP suggested he is trying to convince himself he has done the right thing... and the more firm ground he can put under that decision quickly the harder he makes it for himself to turn back. And he can be very stubborn.

 

Thank you for reading - I am heartbroken and it really helps to know others out there have come back from such a seemingly irrecoverable place

[flyerfan6656]

is that all really true? when i was going out with my ex nothing could get in my way i had a lot of confidence, until she broke up with me... i def. am unavailable when it comes to txting, and phone calls, but when i see her in person its a totally diff. story..i feel weak, i feel like im not how i used to be

[intotheself]

I would like this thread to be read again by many people who are tempted to break NC.

[Tom1990]

Amen to that. Never expect to reconcile with NC, but if you break NC, you're as good as done anyway.

[Grnat]

Maverick,I like your post,and looking past,it's real that even subconsciously I have been attracted by "cool boys" or "bad boys".

I would like to ask you a question,what do men want ? (in the same manner you described what women want in general) what do men want ?

I mean,I wasn't insecure (apart when I was depressed,but again I had issues,I couldn't help it,and I wasn't too clingy)

I wasn't clingy,I didn't nag too much,create arguments without thinking deeply (there was exeptions,but everyone make mistakes,but it happened rarely and I always apologize)

I didn't harass him about his friends...I mean,I was quite cool,because I trusted him,I knew him for 7 years before we began dating,so I didn't fear him cheating.I knew we had strong personnalities,so I avoided saying hurtful things.

I was generally happy around him.I made mistakes,I am no perfect,but I tend to really think before I talk or act,because when I was younger,I used to be a little explosive and many of my friends really made me understand that,so I had matured when I began dating my ex.

I really was trying to be fair,meaning, I won't walk on him and try to control him,but he better not be trying to do that to me.

I don't understand.I don't think I was annoying or boring,we got along really well.What could I have done that may have turned him off ?

[loulou37]

Amen to that. Never expect to reconcile with NC, but if you break NC, you're as good as done anyway.

 

Disagree, i got back with my ex ex and we had contact...also have contact with my now recent ex and at least we have agreed to meet up....

 

you shouldn't say that you're as good as done, there are alot of people on here hoping to reconcile that have broken NC many times and this will only upset them, it's a negative statement...iit's not needed and it's far from true.

 

loulou x

[intotheself]

I broke NC 50 days and chatted with my ex to get some sort of closure. I was devastated on the night, but it was not back to the day 1. The next day, I recovered and now I feel calm, as I was able to let go. I am not done. You may break NC, but don't beat yourself up for having done that. We are only human. And I am glad that I let my ex know how I feel. It was rather liberating. I will be happy.

[LonelyBoyDave]

This really is a brilliant thread. It is greatly helping me to gain a new perspective on how I run my life.

[Tom1990]

Disagree, i got back with my ex ex and we had contact...also have contact with my now recent ex and at least we have agreed to meet up....

 

you shouldn't say that you're as good as done, there are alot of people on here hoping to reconcile that have broken NC many times and this will only upset them, it's a negative statement...iit's not needed and it's far from true.

 

loulou x

 

Interesting. So you would recommend not doing NC after a breakup, and stay in contact? I'm honestly curious what you mean here....

[Ms Darcy]

There are two predictors I have noticed in a reconciliation. NC for a while followed by increasing contact AND a really great relationship.

 

I think the latter is more important than the former. If you had a great relationship and they leave, that's a better predictor that they will come back around after a while than the contact game.

[lanaa]

i guess NC is very important at the beginning ,let the feelings calm down and bad memories disappear but eventually you have to break nc if the ex does not

[Grnat]

Well I think NC has opened my eyes,it can't be bad for anyone,even if it's hard the first days,but it's a lot easier after,right ?

It just a matter of being strong,taking a stand.

And it's really an eye-opener,you get to look at the situation with a better,cool head.You're not being led around by emotions and desesperation.

Now I wouldn't now if I would get my ex back if he asked me too.Today,he came talking to me,on facebook.

Later,in the conversation,he asked me if I would like to play with him,then that we shouldn't role play (as in acting like we're back together = I want you as a friends with benefits,that's all) At first,I found his "proposition" funny and I actually joked around with him.

But afterward,I really felt a lot of disappointement,this guy will never change.He was actually perfect when we were dating,was really respecting me.But now that we're not together,he want to take me like crap,like he did to the others girls.I felt insulted,he do that to a woman he said was "his life" what a lot of crap.

I can't believe that ^^ but I'm taking it cool.I don't even want to be his friend,and if he wanna come back,he better learn respect first,if that happen.

[LightInTheSky]

All excellent posts above ^^^ Just thought I'd add that for me NC was really good and healthy for a while. I did that for 4 months and now a few days ago we had to start working together and because of that time during NC all the feelings have settled and many of the negative thoughts have subsided. Now we can get along fairly well when we have to and there is no awkwardness (I've started a new thread about it on the Healing After Break Up page) and I thank all of this to NC. It gave me time to become stable and able to deal with him in a positive way. This doesn't mean we're getting back together or anything but it is positive (for me), things are friendly right now with no expectations.

 

I don't even want to be his friend,and if he wanna come back,he better learn respect first,if that happen.

 

Stay strong to that, I believe people can change but you have to let them do it on their own, if he changes on his own then thats great, but you deserve someone who has respect for you and if he doesn't then don't settle for him.

[Grnat]

Yeah this time I won't be the same as usual.I stood up as a friend before we began dating.Even when our mutual friend bad-mouthed him and all,I always stood up and always wanted him around.I took tons of critics when we began to see each others.But I always stayed true and believed and him (that's expected right)

But now he is in the wrong,and I won't stand for someone who is wrong.

[HopeArises]

Amen to that. Never expect to reconcile with NC, but if you break NC, you're as good as done anyway.

 

Obviously that is not always true. Not by a long shot.

[HopeArises]

Interesting. So you would recommend not doing NC after a breakup, and stay in contact? I'm honestly curious what you mean here....

 

NC is definitely required post-breakup, but I don't know whoever told you that if you (as the dumpee) ever reach out AFTER NC has occurred that you are "as good as done" as you put it? Time and space apart can change people's perspective and feelings (for good or for bad). It's not the mere fact of breaking NC that is what sets the pace for what's to come. It's your attitude when you reach out that will determine how successful you may be when reaching out. A positive attitude (confident, happy, independent, aloof and pleasant) will USUALLY open a door and after some time has passed (at least 1-2 months of NC), your ex will most likely be more open to you, seeing you had the ability to stay strong and face life without them for awhile. Independence is attractive. It also demonstrates respect for them and for yourself.

 

Many people on here think that breaking NC is TABOO and automatically is the weak thing to do. I completely disagree with this notion. If you have given it some time (minimum 1-2 months of complete NC) and have accepted your situation and have found INNER happiness, confidence and stability, there is NO reason why you cannot reach out to your ex (YES, even if THEY dumped YOU) and go from there.

 

Sometimes ex's will want that door to remain closed and other times (depending on WHY they left you and HOW you conducted yourself POST-breakup) they might be curious to find out if things COULD be different. This doesn't necessarily mean they want to get back together with you, but starting out slowly (being friendly and re-earning their trust) can always lead to friendship, which CAN always lead to more as well, but NC is still needed prior to going in with anything, because before they feel they can trust you, they need to first RESPECT you and if you never gave them a chance to miss you, they will take you completely for granted and not take you, or what you have to offer seriously.

 

This is what so many people on here miss out on and it's CRUCIAL. They NEED to feel YOUR loss as well, before you can start any kind of relationship with them. Backing off completely for while brings things to more of an even playing field, so that if you choose to break the silence eventually, it will be taken more seriously.

 

Anyways, again, you NEED to have the right mental mindset if you want to break the silence, but there NEEDS to be silence first in my opinion. The dumper DOES need to feel your absence for a period of time. COMPLETE silence should be present for awhile, so that they could appreciate you more when you do re-appear, if you still want to after you've done a period of NC (for the right reasons: getting stronger, healing and better yourself).

[deeplongbreath]

I completely agree with HopeArises!

[AnnaN]

I agree with HopeArises, too. It's exactly what I was thinking in the past being the dumper.

In my current situation as a dumpee I can't see how NC helps ME, in terms of reconciliation as my ex told me that I was perfect, I did nothing wrong and it's just him wanting to be alone. He never asked for NC, though, he said he cares about me and wants to know how I am doing. The reason I went NC is to be strong again, find myself and maybe time apart will make him miss me (it is possible to happen) or change his mind (impossible! ).

 

About breaking NC. As a dumper in the past, I always knew why the dumpees were breaking NC after months. No matter how happy, how cool they wanted to sound, I knew that they wanted to meet me to try something. It can't be the only case, but it was a pressure for me and I was always feeling nervous about meeting them, having the fear that they will talk about the BU and how they changed and believe we can work this out. And I was right. They all started cool and happy with their lives, telling the new things they were up to and in the end... the same subject...

 

And I feel it is awkward to break NC. How can you appear one day out of the blue after months of silence? There is never a good reason. I think that the dumper will think all the above that I was thinking as a dumper.