Doubting, doubting ....

[allypally]

Had you been introduced to his parents and friends etc? surely if he had introduced you, the message might have got through to his wife that he was having a bit on the side??

 

On our own he comes accross as very kind and sweet, but as I said before, in social gatherings with women he doesn't know he is flirtatious and forgets about me.

 

I have often wondered what he gets up to behind my back i.e. when he goes up north to check on his house and when he is with his mates. The laddish anecdotes he has told me don't impress me and have concerned me as they reflect how he behaves when he REALLY lets go of his inhibitions.

 

The difficulty in trusting him has been in my gut for a long time.

[annie24]

i met his friends. i asked one privately if he's a good guy, and he was like, 'yeah, he's a great guy.' i asked if he had other girlfriends, he said, 'no.' (lol, but i forgot to ask if he had a wife!!! ) no, this guy was living in the US for a few years and sending money back home (i found that out later). he told me when we were dating that he moved to the US after his divorce. but he definitely took me out and I met many of his friends. he had no family in my area.

 

 

 

Had you been introduced to his parents and friends etc? surely if he had introduced you, the message might have got through to his wife that he was having a bit on the side??

 

On our own he comes accross as very kind and sweet, but as I said before, in social gatherings with women he doesn't know he is flirtatious and forgets about me.

 

I have often wondered what he gets up to behind my back i.e. when he goes up north to check on his house and when he is with his mates. The laddish anecdotes he has told me don't impress me and have concerned me as they reflect how he behaves when he REALLY lets go of his inhibitions.

 

The difficulty in trusting him has been in my gut for a long time.

[annie24]

do you have difficulties trusting everyone, or is it just him?

[allypally]

No, primarily him.

 

My friendships with a couple of female friends are not so close now as everyone is wrapped up in their own lives.

[annie24]

in past relationships, have you felt this insecure?

[allypally]

Yes, in a couple of cases where they weren't over their exes. Referred to them all the time, had photos etc.

[FreedomRing]

I agree with Annie...I would most certainly pump the brakes on the marriage planning. I think it is pretty safe to say, you are not going to have any clearer idea of what you want to do until there are a series of future social gatherings in which you can observe his behaviors...to see in fact if this is a habitual pattern of his, despite your numerous talks.

 

Not to make light of this, but are there any events coming up in the near future..lol

[DN]

My friend/flatmate said I should give the guy a break - sure, he has made mistakes, but if I end it, there will be no going back.

Has your friend met him - does she know him quite well?

[allypally]

Yes, my friend/flatmate who is a man (and gay) has met him numerous times. He said he hasn't in fact done anything wrong?????? I.e he hasn't cheated etc. He also asked why I went ahead and got the ring that following week.

 

Yes, there are a few social gatherings coming up because of the Christmas period.

[Girl79]

Keep a careful eye on him during these upcoming events. If he latches on to the hot single girl and ignores you again, you have your answer. If he can't take your feelings into consideration then he's not worth having around! And if he can be this flirty in FRONT of you, what is he like when you aren't around? That's what I would be worried about.

[allypally]

Thats what I've said a number of times in my replies to you guys. My BIG concern is how he behaves when I'm NOT around!

 

I think if there is a pattern to this, he flirts with women he doesn't know. Work colleagues I wouldn't be worried about as they all know he is getting married, however, friends of friends or random women I AM worried about. He can tell them what he wants as they don't know him.

[Girl79]

Well I guess if he is just being friendly and not taking it to the next level, he may just think it's harmless. I personally think though if you are that flirty and friendly, it can lead people on and give the wrong idea. I couldn't date someone who did that sort of thing though, I would be like you, always wondering what is going on behind my back!

Anyways, the question is do you trust him? And can you see yourself marrying him, and always having that nagging thought of what is he doing behind your back? Will that thought ever go away, or has the trust been broken permanently? And is there anything he could do to regain the trust? It's hard to fix trust, once it's been broken.

[allypally]

Girl79 you have echoed my thoughts exactly!

 

I explained to him in no uncertain terms that the tour guide was attracted by him (that was obvious as she was always around us/crowding in on us), and because he was being so friendly back to her, it was leading her on. I don't believe for one minute he was oblivious - at 36yrs old he knows how things work between the sexes! Oblivious enough to have an intimate taxi ride with her??? Sure, very oblivious!

 

I'm always on edge when he is out with his mates - he is helping his mother move this week, and I have been imagining him chatting up the staff where she is moving to (she is fairly elderly). How ridiculous is that??

 

This is where all my worries are. I think he is an unashamed flirt and that is a dangerous game to play when you are attached.

 

What do I do?? back off and become less available, in which case its all up anyway. We might as well be back in dating mode.

[Girl79]

It leads people on for sure, and if he had continuously been flirty with her, and you weren't around, she may have advanced even more and thereforee put him in to a place where he shouldn't be, being tempted to sleep with her or whatever. It just puts people in uncomfortable situations!

I don't know what you are going to do about it though, either live with it or find someone who doesn't act this way. I doubt he's going to change just like that.

[allypally]

She continued to advance and he continued to respond. I will never know what they discussed in the cab, however, it was long enough to establish a connection between them.

 

You're right though - the trust has completely gone from my perspective. Nothing he can say or do will get it back and make me feel secure in the relationship again.

 

Oh, and he claims to have a thing about blonde women, and yet this woman was dark?! She was charasmatic, sure, but then he might aswell find every woman attractive?!

 

Should I discuss this AGAIN with him or just see less of him until the whole thing fades to nothing?

[ImThatGirl]

Ally - I've been following. I honestly think you need to take a couple weeks to yourself - not communication with him or anyone else about your relationship with him. Only thinking...... and deciding if this is what YOU want.

[allypally]

My gut tells me to get out - that he is two people.

 

1) The flirt on the one hand (and alcohol isn't required either)

2) This lovely guy that I know and love when he isn't doing the above.

 

I cannot live with the above (1), but I love (2).

 

This is causing me turmoil.

[ImThatGirl]

My gut tells me to get out - that he is two people.

 

1) The flirt on the one hand (and alcohol isn't required either)

2) This lovely guy that I know and love when he isn't doing the above.

 

I cannot live with the above (1), but I love (2).

 

This is causing me turmoil.

 

I understand.

 

(1) could cause you constant turmoil, distrust, insecurity, eventually possibly low self esteem, confidence issues, emotional instability, anxiety, changes in what friends you spend time with, eventually divorce or being miserable - if you continue on at the rate you are going and how you handle things.

 

Ultiimately only YOU can decide if you can accept his ways without being emotional / constantly on an emotional rollercoaster.

 

It is very bothersome to me still that you have your friend - that you were close friends with before you met him but refuse to allow them to be in the same room together. I see your future with this guy as an unhappy one if you can't come to grips with accepting him for him.

 

Note: I am not saying that he is a bad guy. I just think maybe he isn't the right guy for you. And that - is something only you can determine through much thought. Nobody else can decide this for you.

[allypally]

Thanks ITG. Yes, I know: its down to me at the end of the day.

 

If I stay with him, my worries will manifest even more and I'll end up destroying the relationship anyway because of mistrust.

 

My friend is a self-confessed flirt, and so if I put she and my fiance (who has proven himself again to be one aswell) in a room together and left them with a bottle of wine, I think they would be all over eachother before too long. My friend is a sex addict aswell and seeing another guy since her last relationship ended (and sleeping with him) even though she says that she isn't particularly keen on

him.

 

"could cause you constant turmoil, distrust, insecurity, eventually possibly low self esteem, confidence issues, emotional instability, anxiety, changes in what friends you spend time with, eventually divorce or being miserable - if you continue on at the rate you are going and how you handle things".

 

I am already at the above stage (see quote).

 

I think he wants a dependable wife waiting at home for him, while he goes off and flirts up a storm in her absense.

[ImThatGirl]

^^ But if you trusted your fiance as you should trust a fiance, you'd have no worries even about an overly flirtatious friend.

 

Have you went to counseling before? I am worried because I don't feel like you are at a point of being able to make a well determined decision on whether to marry this guy or not.

[DN]

I think you are over-reacting and are likely to lose a good relationship as a result. Even if he is flirting somewhat he isn't cheating and there is a major difference. In my opinion this whole thing is much more about you than it is about him. I think you should listen to your gay friend.

[allypally]

I did see a counsellor for a number of months as I had been through some traumatic relationships, that and family stuff going on. I stopped going and took up a hobbie as it cost the same and took my mind off things.

 

Now, I think I'm going to have to return as this isn't a decision I take lightly. It isn't quite as simple as saying "The relationship is over, here is your ring, I don't trust you - thanks, and goodbye". He spent > $7000 on the ring! That isn't a sum to be coughed at, it was the ring I wanted.

 

It just isn't straightforward.

[allypally]

DN, I know there is a difference between flirting and cheating. But if someone can be a flirt, then they are likely susceptible to taking one step further. The taxi thing was inappropriate and very inconsiderate.

 

I know what my weaknesses are, however, do not forget that:

 

1) We were newly engaged.

2) This was our FIRST holiday together.

3) He flirted and had the DESIRE to flirt in the company of his fiancee!

 

What does this say about him?!

[ImThatGirl]

^^ Ally - I don't have time to find the quote but you have also posted that he was very loving with you and even the tour guide made comments about how loving you two are.

[ImThatGirl]

I did see a counsellor for a number of months as I had been through some traumatic relationships, that and family stuff going on. I stopped going and took up a hobbie as it cost the same and took my mind off things.

 

Now, I think I'm going to have to return as this isn't a decision I take lightly. It isn't quite as simple as saying "The relationship is over, here is your ring, I don't trust you - thanks, and goodbye". He spent > $7000 on the ring! That isn't a sum to be coughed at, it was the ring I wanted.

 

It just isn't straightforward.

 

You know what I find the most sad? That the cost of the ring makes it seem more real that he wants a future with you. The cost seems to hold much weight for you. Why not just believe that he loves you and since he proposed wants a future with you?

 

Please do seek counseling Ally - you are going to ruin this and I worry a future with anyone so long as your emotions and anxiety run wild.