Doubting, doubting ....

[ImThatGirl]

I don't know.... Just don't think he seems like marriage material. More like guy that likes to enjoy life to the fullest without considering others or being tied down by others.

 

Maybe that's why he and his ex didn't get on, she felt like living together was a serious commitment and time for him to settle down and change his ways and he did not. Maybe he's realizing now that you won't stand for his disrespect and thereforee doesn't want to live with you now. Maybe he's second guessing proposing as well.

 

Some people create grey area's in their lives. Other people can't stand it. (I can't!) I really think it's just a matter of seeing it for what it is, Ally. And it is not right.

 

Oh yeah - meant to ask before - you said she kissed him. You mean like kissed him kissed him? What kind of kiss?!

[DN]

I think that you need to calm down. You are angry and good decision making is never wise when you are angry.

 

It's all very well for you and everyone else to say that he acted inappropriately and that is what you are reacting to.

 

Now try to put yourself in his shoes and try to work out why he reacted as he did to the tour guide - and, from what you described, he was reacting not acting. Don't interpret all of this through your perspective but from what his might have been. It is really important that this exercise is not one where you apportion blame - but where you try to see what is going on his his head. Annie may have given you a clue.

 

Also - don't try to get the tour guide into trouble. That would not be appropriate.

[allypally]

OK so I don't apportion blame on either of them - they both reacted to eachother.

 

Where does that leave me?

 

He told me that he is still thinking like a single man and that he has to learn to think about someone else?? ...... yet he has proposed marriage to me .... behaved the way he did in Spain ..... and told me this morning that he thought 'we' should get another mattress for MY bed at the place I live and he is not willing to live together despite us being engaged?? I have put getting married on hold because of what happened.

 

She didn't give him a full on kiss, she threw her arms around him and I cannot say exactly what form her kiss was - it was either on each cheek or quickly on the lips - it all happened very quickly and I was shocked at the time.

 

So I have seen him for his true colours for the second time - is this also supposed to be my fault for not acting in a certain way towards him leading him to behave like this?? If he couldn't see a future with me for whatever reason he didn't have to propose.

 

Am I missing something here?

 

He is coming over this evening, I told him I was going to try and move on or our relationship would be ruined, but in view of what he said this morning this is increasingly difficult.

[DN]

I think that you need to have a full and frank discussion about what you want from each other, what you expect from each other and if and how you see the relationship progressing. I don't know if you are missing something here - but you are the only one who can find out and the only way you can do that is by asking him.

 

People on here can validate your feelings based on what you have said. But they can't know what he is thinking or why he is thinking it. They can guess, of course, but it only is a guess and when you have such conflicting accounts of his words and actions it makes those guesses less than useful. Someone might say that he is thinking this or that and be completely off the mark. They simply don't know - and neither do you.

 

Go to the source.

[allypally]

As I said, the source is coming over this evening, for ANOTHER relationship discussion. It doesn't bode well that we are having these conversations as an engaged couple.

[DN]

My advice is to keep as calm as possible, be non-accusatory but seek information.

[allypally]

What I am seeking is clarification re: the stuff he has told me recently. I can certainly keep calm and say back to him what he said to me about his thinking like a single man still i.e. "Let me get this straight, so I'm expected to wait by the side-lines while you behave as though you are still single even though we are engaged?".

[ImThatGirl]

Ally, DN has made very good points. You should take note.

 

Example: The holiday planning from the beginning. He mentioned that timing may be off for him. You rushed out and booked your own trip. Only to realize that through time, it all worked out for the two of you to go on Holiday.

 

Don't react too quickly or harshly. Take time to think it through first.

[DN]

What I am seeking is clarification re: the stuff he has told me recently. I can certainly keep calm and say back to him what he said to me about his thinking like a single man still i.e. "Let me get this straight, so I'm expected to wait by the side-lines while you behave as though you are still single even though we are engaged?".

I would not phrase it like that - it's still aggressive even if said calmly - and that could easily escalate into a full-blown fight.

 

Better to say "I need to know what you meant by that - if it means that you really aren't committed to me then we need to discuss where we are heading with this relationship. Perhaps you meant that you haven't got used to the idea of being committed - then I need to know why not. But perhaps you meant something entirely different?"

[allypally]

Granted, fortunately the holiday worked out... and then look what happened on the holiday!

 

He told me that one of the main reasons he and his ex didn't get on was because he wanted to go out all the time and she didn't. She ordered in take aways he liked to eat healthy. He was frugal, she liked to spend etc etc.

[annie24]

i agree with DN. i think you do need to take a deep breath and have a calm discussion with him regarding the relationship. the problem is if you give back the ring tonight, it may be a 'point of no return' and maybe in a few weeks you might change your mind, and it will be hard to backtrack and take back things that were said and done. i agree about asking him in a non-accusatory way about what's up, why he doesn't feel ready, etc.... i think you definitely need to proceed with caution. if you give him back the ring and yell angry words, that might be the end of the relationship for good. which is fine if you are 100% ready for it to be over, but if you think there is still a chance you guys can work something out, then be careful...

[allypally]

Thank you all for your comments. I hope I can get an understanding of whats going on, its very unsettling being in this position.

[allypally]

It all turned out well - thanks very much for your advice.

 

Kept calm and we resolved things fully so I am 100% happy with things now. He knows that he inadvertantly created trust issues, and that he is used to thinking about No. 1.

 

Thanks.

[ImThatGirl]

It all turned out well - thanks very much for your advice.

 

Kept calm and we resolved things fully so I am 100% happy with things now. He knows that he inadvertantly created trust issues, and that he is used to thinking about No. 1.

 

Thanks.

 

So - what's going to change?

 

- He's going to be more considerate -Or- you are going to be less concerned by his actions?

 

Have you met up with your friend yet? Just curious.

[allypally]

I explained to him that if he cant be more considerate then it will jeapardise the relationship in future. The main reason why we should continue getting to know eachother better and why we are going to get married in 2010 rather than next year - so that we will know how to sort out our differences.

 

I have to learn how to handle him when he hasn't behaved considerately.

 

I will be meeting up with my friend tomorrow, my fiance won't be there.

[allypally]

The other night I received a text from him and he had signed off "Your full of fun boyfriend".

 

I felt really sick and as though I had been kicked in the stomach.

 

I hit the roof again, and replied "are you my bf or fiance?".

 

He said it was because he didn't want to phrase it "full of fun fiance" - i.e. 3 f's. Totally silly, but I mis-read the meaning behind it.

 

I'm on edge even though we've spoken at length about things and what we want for the future. I told him that I am still sensitive about things which was why I reacted to his text so badly. I don't know how the trust will come back again.

 

He is a very sweet and kind man, he just doesn't think before he acts nor does he put himself in my shoes before he goes ahead and does things.

 

Don't know what to do. Before Spain things were going ok. Now I am wracked with guilt for giving him such a hard time about it all, feel like a nag for sitting him down and wanting to get to the bottom of it to try to understand. Feel generally down because of it.

 

He went out last night for a friends birthday dinner at an expensive restaurant. I had been invited but I opted out because of being exhausted from the week and having to go into work at the weekend. He had a great time and he asked if I wanted to meet for lunch today before he goes off for a week to help his mother move house. I declined because I had to go into work.

 

At a complete loss as to how to repair the damage done to this relationship.

[DN]

There are various ways to repair a relationship - but declining to go out with him twice in a row without offering alternatives is not one of them. No one likes rejection.

[allypally]

Don't know how to respond to that, other than you're right, I have as good as rejected him and I wouldn't be surprised if he wanted to be with someone else.

 

Things have spiralled downwards continuously since Spain despite our talking.

[DN]

I think you should try to meet him for lunch if you can - if not then get in touch with him and make plans for a good night out when he gets back.

[allypally]

His phone is off and I can't get any message through to him.

[DN]

Well, try later and if it is too late for lunch make a date for when he gets back.

[allypally]

We had planned to go away for the weekend together when he got back. Nothing has been booked.

 

We've had a long phone chat, I had hurt him a lot, but its going to take time before the relationship is back on track and to how it was.

[_Asti_]

You hurt him alot? How?

 

Why is he placing this on you and making you feel bad?

 

Wasn't he the one kissing another girl and leaving you stranded while he jumped in a cab with a random girl?

[allypally]

The latest mishap was a text he sent me on Thursday night where he signed off with "your boyfriend" and not "fiance". He hadn't anticipated my reaction which was to once again to hit the roof as I had had a long and tiring day at work and so things snowballed badly.

 

He apologised profusely by text and tried to ring me but I switched off my phone. I then emailed him at work the next day to apologise for taking what he had said the wrong way. He asked whether I wanted to get together for lunch today but I had to go into the office. Last night he went out for dinner with friends as it was a friend of his birthday and I had been invited but declined because of being too tired after work. I am working long hours at the moment. However, as DN pointed out, he would understandably have take these as a big rejection.

 

As for the holiday, he jumped into a cab with the tour guide (they were gone for over 40 mins) who had been paying him a lot of attention which became more obvious from the middle of the trip to the end and he never told her to lay off. He responded positively to her i.e. they were laughing and joking together and he was pouring her wine and talking to her at the dinner table and ignoring me. Then at the end of the tour he marked her questionnaire with excellent handed it to her, 2 seconds later she had run up to him, flung her arms around him and kissed him in front of me.

 

I have been over what happened enough times to bore everyone but it would be strange if he didn't enjoy attention from another woman.

 

The hardest thing has been to regain the trust that has been lost, I haven't felt right about things since it happened and lash out at anything he does that makes me feel uncomfortable.

[annie24]

well, i know i asked (or sort of alluded to this before)..... has he ever complained to you that you don't pay enough attention to him? it sounds like this tour guide made him feel special, she probably flirted with him, etc...... is it possible that maybe he doesn't feel like you feel this way about him? i'm sure you know, it's nice when you go somewhere and meet someone new who thinks you're the greatest thing since sliced bread. it puts a real smile on your face. i'm wondering if he might feel neglected and not like your special guy or something?

 

or is he just an unabashed flirt?