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men, he signs off

Caterina

By Caterina
in Relationship Advice

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Caterina Mentor

Caterina

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You're a woman--- you have a woman's view of this. I know women's views on this subject, I've heard them countless times before. I honestly think that men would know more about what other men are thinking--- its just the way I view things. I am more interested to hear about what the other men might think about what he was thinking--- thats just what I'm more interested in right now.

 

You might be right about some things concerning me--- but my intentions for the thread were only to find out what he's thinking.

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JadedStar Collaborator

JadedStar

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You're a woman--- you have a woman's view of this. I know women's views on this subject, I've heard them countless times before. I honestly think that men would know more about what other men are thinking--- its just the way I view things. I am more interested to hear about what the other men might think about what he was thinking--- thats just what I'm more interested in right now.

 

You might be right about some things concerning me--- but my intentions for the thread were only to find out what he's thinking.

i

 

I was not talking about a man's view of this, I am talking about YOUR view as in you saying you don't care, but your words tell otherwise. It is as plain as the words on this screen that you very much still care about it. I am commenting on your comment of "i dont really care". You want a man's view because you do care. Not sure why you can't admit this to yourself. It will help you to move on.

 

If HE cared, trust me he would have made a bigger effort in three years. I think most men would have to agree with that. You are grasping for straws.

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Caterina Mentor

Caterina

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If HE cared, trust me he would have made a bigger effort in three years. I think most men would have to agree with that. You are grasping for straws.

 

Maybe, but I want to hear it from men. Its not about you, its just that I have TONS of women around me, TONS of intelligent women to yell at me or whatever- I want to hear what a MAN thinks about what another MAN thinks...to me, thats the valuable rare information I'd rather have. But none of them are posting anymore--

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Zeitgeist Explorer

Zeitgeist

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Um...how about you two just agree to disagree. This is kind of a silly argument.

 

Caterina, truth is there's no way of knowing why he logged off when you logged on. It's even possible that he didn't even know you were there and really just happened to log off just as you logged on. It seems to me that what you're really asking (and please correct me if I'm totally off base here) is whether or not he may have realized feelings beyond just wanting sex with you. If it is, then I will say yes, it's entirely possible. It's entirely possible that he's been re-evaluating his feelings about you and considering that maybe he does have feelings beyond just wanting sex with you. I'd find it difficult to believe that if you had as close a friendship as you said, that there aren't feelings there. That he hasn't tried to envision a future with the two of you together. That possibility is real and valid.

 

That said, however, there's no point in speculating until he actually steps up to the plate to do something about it. And maybe he's trying to. Maybe he's looking for an "in". Maybe he's testing the waters with these little logging-off-while-you-log-on games. Maybe. Maybe he's trying to get you to initiate some kind of contact since as you pointed out, you initiated the whole NC thing. And IF you are in fact still thinking about him and wondering if he's maybe changed his mind, and IF you are okay with it if he hasn't changed his mind, then there's only one way to find out. The question is, if he has changed his mind, would you want to be with him?

 

(And btw, initiating NC doesn't mean he can't be doing NC as well. NC isn't mutually exclusive. Just saying. )

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JadedStar Collaborator

JadedStar

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Maybe, but I want to hear it from men. Its not about you, its just that I have TONS of women around me, TONS of intelligent women to yell at me or whatever- I want to hear what a MAN thinks about what another MAN thinks...to me, thats the valuable rare information I'd rather have. But none of them are posting anymore--

 

Maybe they are not responding because they don't have a view on it. I dunno.

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Zeitgeist Explorer

Zeitgeist

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Umm, it wasn't an argument. 'K? YOur response to her is only a more worded version of mine. Almost the same message, the only difference is i think that if he were THAT concerned about more with her he would have made that a bit more clear in three years.
Okay, but perhaps there are ways to be a little less blunt and maybe even somewhat sympathetic? We've all had difficult times trying to interpret actions or words of someone we long for, no? And sure, he may be a bit of a coward. But some people just take longer than others to develop conviction. That doesn't mean she should pass up the POSSIBILITY of an opportunity that she seems to want.
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Blue Spiral Collaborator

Blue Spiral

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I see several possibilities:

 

1. He's being passive-aggressive--he's giving you the cold shoulder, and he wants to make sure you know that. If he blocked you or stayed invisible all the time, you might just think he wasn't coming online anymore.

 

2. He wants you to think about him and ask the questions you're asking now.

 

3. He doesn't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater. Okay, you rejected him and now have a supposed boyfriend, but maybe you'll break up with him and be open to FWB. Long-term planning, that.

 

I myself have been guilty of #1 and #3. #1 takes place in my more immature moments, #3 takes place in my "stop being emotional and look at the big picture" moments.

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Caterina Mentor

Caterina

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I see several possibilities:

 

1. He's being passive-aggressive--he's giving you the cold shoulder, and he wants to make sure you know that. If he blocked you or stayed invisible all the time, you might just think he wasn't coming online anymore.

 

2. He wants you to think about him and ask the questions you're asking now.

 

3. He doesn't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater. Okay, you rejected him and now have a supposed boyfriend, but maybe you'll break up with him and be open to FWB. Long-term planning, that.

 

I myself have been guilty of #1 and #3. #1 takes place in my more immature moments, #3 takes place in my "stop being emotional and look at the big picture" moments.

 

 

He was VERY passive aggressive. That might actually be it. On 3, how would I be open to an fwb if I had a bf. And how would the signing on and off create a way to implement a plan like that?

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Blue Spiral Collaborator

Blue Spiral

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He was VERY passive aggressive. That might actually be it. On 3, how would I be open to an fwb if I had a bf. And how would the signing on and off create a way to implement a plan like that?

 

The theory is that you'll eventually break up with the bf and need someone to talk to/rebound with. The signing on and off, IMHO, means that he kept you on his list in case you break up with this guy, but he doesn't have any interest in talking to you until then.

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Caterina Mentor

Caterina

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This also seems really plausible. He was very very manipulative when we were friends...just his personality...He knows me very well, and he definetly knows what would get to me. So I think you might have something there- perhaps he's trying to draw me back into a reaction (i.e talking to him) to just drag me back into the horrible low self esteem inducing-only wants an fwb situation that I was in before.

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Caterina Mentor

Caterina

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The theory is that you'll eventually break up with the bf and need someone to talk to/rebound with. The signing on and off, IMHO, means that he kept you on his list in case you break up with this guy, but he doesn't have any interest in talking to you until then.

 

But how would he know that I kept him on my list?

What does IMHO mean?

Why would that cause me to contact him when we haven't had any contact whatsoever and why would he all of a sudden only do this when I had a boyfriend as opposed to when I didn't?

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Blue Spiral Collaborator

Blue Spiral

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But how would he know that I kept him on my list?

What does IMHO mean?

Why would that cause me to contact him when we haven't had any contact whatsoever and why would he all of a sudden only do this when I had a boyfriend as opposed to when I didn't?

 

Maybe he's an egomaniac, and he just assumed it? And "in my humble opinion." And, he may be doing it just to see if he can provoke a reaction. If that doesn't work, he may try something else.

 

Let me give you a practical example of why I think he's keeping you in reserve, if you will. I've known women via IM who told me that they were now in a serious relationship, so we couldn't flirt anymore. I didn't talk to them much after that, not out of bitterness so much as lack of interest--I didn't see any point to it. Sometimes I'd go invisible when they came on because I was afraid they'd want to talk about stuff I didn't want to hear about (i.e., telling me all about their boyfriend's new promotion).

 

I could have deleted or blocked them, but I didn't, because I figured, just thinking realistically, it probably won't last forever. And it usually doesn't. Call me cold-blooded or call me stastically wise...

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Caterina Mentor

Caterina

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From the PM: he could just be playing games for all I know

 

What kind of games?

 

That was my first thought. lol.

 

i agree with this... he is maybe trying to get your attention so you speak to him again?

 

WHy would he want me to speak to him again? To start the same situational dynamic where he had control over me? Actually, makes some sense. I wish I could stay up and talk about this, but I have an early morning unfortunately...I'll have to check this thread later.

 

Thanks to those who posted...lots of interesting comments. Keep them coming...

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jettison Community Regular

jettison

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Thanks but I like my posts as is. LOL gotta love the members who want to be a post coach. lol What one person deems as unsympathetic another might view as golden. Everyone has their own style.

 

You didn't critique that post coach well enough. Try again, but this time show some real passion. I want to know that you mean it.

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