men, he signs off

[Caterina]

I put up an away message where I pretended to have a boyfriend. Don't really know why I did it: it was wrong, but its not what I want to talk about.

So, a friend that I used to have feelings for (we broke off the friendship) signs off every time I sign on now. Just speculate: why does he do that?

[JeckyllNHyde]

He maybe thinks you are still pining over him and wants to avoid you to also avoid an akward situation perhaps?

But since you said you broke off the friendship already.. I guess maybe he is laying low for now

[Caterina]

Why would he feel the need to lay low? I'm the one who cut off the friendship, not him. I couldn't give a flying puck about him. If I have a boyfriend, what in the world would make him think I was still pining for him?

 

Besides, trust me, he LOVED it when I wanted him- it fed his ego like no tom.

 

I don't think that is it.

[Samedy]

If you have the new MSN you can send people messages when they go offline.. Say hello and say you must have just missed him. See what his response is.

[Caterina]

If you have the new MSN you can send people messages when they go offline.. Say hello and say you must have just missed him. See what his response is.

 

 

No no no, of course I've missed him. Our friendship is the type that can't remain. He wanted an fwb, I wanted marriage...vastly different. It had to end.

 

I might be overanalyzing. It really shouldn't matter what he's doing since he's history.

 

I have been doing well since he's been out of my life.

 

You're a man- if you did this; what would your reasoning be?

[DaBladeRoden]

Wouldn't it be easier to just block you?

[Caterina]

Wouldn't it be easier to just block you?

 

Exactly. He's done it before when he was mad at me. So why not now?

[DaBladeRoden]

he must be trying to get your attention in a rather passive way

[Caterina]

he must be trying to get your attention in a rather passive way

 

What do you mean? I mean, I can't contact him when he signs off.

 

He's always been passively seductive, in a way. I wanted him to pursue me like a man, and he just wanted something else- not that. not me

 

What did you mean when you said that? Why would he do that/

[Samedy]

No no no, of course I've missed him. Our friendship is the type that can't remain. He wanted an fwb, I wanted marriage...vastly different. It had to end.

 

I might be overanalyzing. It really shouldn't matter what he's doing since he's history.

 

I have been doing well since he's been out of my life.

 

You're a man- if you did this; what would your reasoning be?

 

 

I would never log-out because someone logged in, I might temporarily block them, and then unblock them when the sign back in. It sounds like there is some effort to hang on to something from the both of you.. maybe just the idea that the other person can message them, and that the other person still thinks of you in some way.

 

He might not be talking to you for the same reason you aren't talking to him. Why aren't you talking to him? And if you don't want to talk to him why is he on your list still?

 

I personally think, if you have no intention of ever talking to him again, then delete him.

 

Would you ignore him if he messaged you? If not, then why wouldn't you message him?

[jettison]

I'm confused...

 

Do you have a boyfriend, or were you just pretending to have a boyfriend? And then in one post you say that you could "give a flying puck" about this guy, but then you turn right around and say you miss him in the next post? Huh? Color me confused.

 

And why the games to begin with? It seems like games just end up getting the game player in trouble and end up having no effect on the people they were intended for. Just my general observations about game playing.

[Caterina]

I'm confused...

 

Do you have a boyfriend, or were you just pretending to have a boyfriend? And then in one post you say that you could "give a flying puck" about this guy, but then you turn right around and say you miss him in the next post? Huh? Color me confused.

 

And why the games to begin with? It seems like games just end up getting the game player in trouble and end up having no effect on the people they were intended for. Just my general observations about game playing.

 

Yeah, just pretending. When I say I miss him, I mean it in an off-hand kind of way...I'll ALWAYS be curious about him. But I could care less if he's pucking someone right now is what I meant by caring less.

 

No games, no games. I'm the queen of games, but no games right now. I'm just curious. I mainly want you to analyze him, not me.

[Caterina]

I would never log-out because someone logged in, I might temporarily block them, and then unblock them when the sign back in. It sounds like there is some effort to hang on to something from the both of you.. maybe just the idea that the other person can message them, and that the other person still thinks of you in some way.

 

He might not be talking to you for the same reason you aren't talking to him. Why aren't you talking to him? And if you don't want to talk to him why is he on your list still?

 

I personally think, if you have no intention of ever talking to him again, then delete him.

 

Would you ignore him if he messaged you? If not, then why wouldn't you message him?

 

 

I can tell by your questions that you've never been in a situation like this.

 

Thing is: I deserve love. I deserve real love. I would give everything for love and I want someone who feels the same about me. He didn't. I couldn't be around a man who wanted me sexually but didn't want me in other ways. I didn't sleep with him- maybe I'm just the one who got away for him.

We had a deep friendship, but in the end thats all he could offer. I wanted to give him so much more, but all he wanted was sex.

He's on my list b/c its difficult to let go of something you invested so much time, energy, heart in. Its over, its over: and I've moved on, I've accepted that.

 

I will never contact him again.

 

It was always me: and actually, his lack of contact is the perfect proof of how he never really gave a crap bout me.

 

I've deleted verything else, but yes, some part of me leaves him on the list mainly b/c i don't want to completely cut off the idea of his existence. I like knowing that- at least- he's still alive.

[Caterina]

Anyone? Guys, why would you do this? What kind of guy would do this?

[jettison]

Yeah, just pretending. When I say I miss him, I mean it in an off-hand kind of way...I'll ALWAYS be curious about him. But I could care less if he's pucking someone right now is what I meant by caring less.

 

No games, no games. I'm the queen of games, but no games right now. I'm just curious. I mainly want you to analyze him, not me.

 

Well, it could mean all sorts of things. I've signed out of chat before because it was an ex-girlfriend that I wanted no contact with. Then I've at least considered signing out of chat because perhaps I had something to say, but it seemed like my best words were better left unsaid so there was no point. Then I've signed out of chat because, for whatever reason, the person feels like they're right next to you with that stupid little green dot, and you're rather be alone. Then I've been annoyed that I even have chat on at all because, for some people, we never talk anyway so what's the point whether I can see that they are on line.

 

Privy to your question, perhaps if I saw an ex online, and maybe I cared about her a little bit, I'd just think, "Mark this one off the list. She's happy and in a relationship. She's not someone that I need to be contemplating any longer." Lots of taken people become afterthoughts to single people. That's just how it works. So, you may make him slightly jealous, but in the end, unless you two have reason to talk, it will have the opposite effect.

 

My ex (two ex's ago) starting seeing someone. We still had LC, but she didn't tell me about it. I ended up hearing it from one of her best friends who then said, "Oh, I'm sorry... I thought you knew." So, the next time she contacted me I phished. "Anything new in your life? Anything you'd like to tell me about." Nothing. She wouldn't budge. "Nope, everything is pretty much the same." "Cool, well why don't you just tell me about your boyfriend then?" She was shocked. "Who told you!? He's NOT my boyfriend. It's NOTHING like what you and I shared."

 

My response? No contact for almost 3 months. I know that's what she was trying to avoid. In my head, I heard what I needed to hear. She was into some new guy, whatever she wanted to call it, and she was no longer any of my concern.

 

Whether that is what this guy is thinking? Every guy is different. Who knows.

[Samedy]

Sometimes the point of a question isn't for the listeners sake, sometimes the other person has to be asked, so they can hear the answer.

 

I can't tell you why he still has you on his list. It could be that he still wants to be your friend, and still have connection to you. It could be that he is hoping for a booty-call one night. It's impossible to tell without actually talking to him.

 

He could also be logging off when you login just to get your attention.. or it could be just a coincidence.

 

All the advice we can give you are based on assumptions. All you have are assumptions. I think if you want to be this persons friend still, you have to tell them. If they can't respect that, or you think they can't respect that, you have to let them go completely.

[Zeitgeist]

I know what you mean. The past few weeks I've been going through a similar situation. The first time, I logged off within 2 minutes (I finished up some e-mails first). The second time, I just stayed on and chatted with a friend for like 15 minutes and she ended up logging off. I'm just trying to get to the point of not caring anymore and just doing whatever I was originally doing or planning on doing. I think if he's logging off when you're logging on, obviously then you still have an effect on him. You say that you were once really close, so it's possible he misses that but it hurts him to see you online and not have you be available to him as a friend. OR... he knows about NC and he's trying that.

[Caterina]

After I put up the away message, in some far back of my mind I worried over whether I might regret it. Not because it was immoral since it was a lie, but because I thought: maybe this will be it- and he'll be over me. But the thing is--- he was ALWAYS over me. Its like what he said, "I can't offer you more than friendship..." so in the end it doesn't matter. Thats why I say I don't give a flying puck. Because its useless, it was never anythng and will never be anything. I have accepted that things like this happen in life and that you come out alive still and still wondering about stuff like "what am I going to eat for dinner?"

 

I just don't know why he'd do that. Why not block me if he was leaving forever. He can't be leaving forever, essentially, b/c he already did.

[Samedy]

If you just want him out of your mind for awhile, and put this aside, without deleting him from your list, one strategy would be to start a new group in your MSN listings.. Then move his name to that group, and collapse the listing. He will still be on your list, you just won't see his status until you are ready.

[JadedStar]

YOu broke off the friendship. It goes without saying that signing off when you come on is probably behavior that is acceptable. The only time i do that is when i don't want to talk to whomever is signing on (unless it was coincendence, but if he does it everytime he doesn't want to talk).

 

If you broke off the friendship it should have been you removing him from your friend list.

[Caterina]

YOu broke off the friendship. It goes without saying that signing off when you come on is probably behavior that is acceptable. The only time i do that is when i don't want to talk to whomever is signing on (unless it was coincendence, but if he does it everytime he doesn't want to talk).

 

If you broke off the friendship it should have been you removing him from your friend list.

 

Not as black and white as that.

 

He never did this before...he's left his screen name on and up for hours on end and I have left it up hours on end. Only with this away message did he do that.

[Caterina]

Sometimes the point of a question isn't for the listeners sake, sometimes the other person has to be asked, so they can hear the answer.

 

I can't tell you why he still has you on his list. It could be that he still wants to be your friend, and still have connection to you. It could be that he is hoping for a booty-call one night. It's impossible to tell without actually talking to him.

 

He could also be logging off when you login just to get your attention.. or it could be just a coincidence.

 

All the advice we can give you are based on assumptions. All you have are assumptions. I think if you want to be this persons friend still, you have to tell them. If they can't respect that, or you think they can't respect that, you have to let them go completely.

 

Well, there are ways to bring down the results a little. I mean, it can't be the booty call thing- we were friends for three years. And he knows that it isn't happening. I think he obviously still wants to be my friend/ have a connection to me...thats been obvious since the beginning.

 

I have completely let him go, obviously. I mean, I don't care if he's sleeping with someone- I don't care if he's marrying someone--- all this would have been inconcievable before I NC'ed him four months ago.

 

I am just, still, curious. I don't want this to be about me as much as trying to figure him out.

 

 

 

 

I know what you mean. The past few weeks I've been going through a similar situation. The first time, I logged off within 2 minutes (I finished up some e-mails first). The second time, I just stayed on and chatted with a friend for like 15 minutes and she ended up logging off. I'm just trying to get to the point of not caring anymore and just doing whatever I was originally doing or planning on doing. I think if he's logging off when you're logging on, obviously then you still have an effect on him. You say that you were once really close, so it's possible he misses that but it hurts him to see you online and not have you be available to him as a friend. OR... he knows about NC and he's trying that.

 

He's not doing NC, I'm the one who initiated it. I think that you're assessment about him missing me and seeing me online without being available as a friend is probably highly likely.

 

Some part of me sometimes likes to think that he really did want me as more, I guess...but the world finds that completely inconcievable.

 

If you just want him out of your mind for awhile, and put this aside, without deleting him from your list, one strategy would be to start a new group in your MSN listings.. Then move his name to that group, and collapse the listing. He will still be on your list, you just won't see his status until you are ready.

 

Eh, I've tried a number of strategies. I'm ready to see him up there, I don't care anymore...he can't really hurt me anymore. I leave him b/c I still want some part of him in a tiny way.

[JadedStar]

So Caterina once again you are searching for a stretch. You want us to say he is diong that because your away message that talks of an imaginary boyfriend has him so upset because suddenly he has decided he wants to be with you, so he logs out. Is that accurate?

 

You said before you know you need to move on and get over this guy, but it doesn't appear that you are even trying. This entire thread is about the very fact that you have not moved on at all and you are grasping at any straw that might suggest he is still into you.

 

YOu are only harming yourself here and your growth. You say on one hand you don't care but this thread is absolute evidence that you do. This thread wuoldn't be written if you were not holding on to little rays of hope still. If you REALLY didn't care his logging out when you sign in would make moving on so much easier, but that is not what you want to do.

[Caterina]

Overall, I don't care. I do want you guys to say that--- but its not because I care about him. Trust me, I know myself more than you do. I don't care.

[JadedStar]

Overall, I don't care. I do want you guys to say that--- but its not because I care about him. Trust me, I know myself more than you do. I don't care.

 

Well your threads about him really reveal a different slant. We don't know you, so whether you care or not is really not of much consequence or concern to us, but i do know that what you write about this reveals someone who cares more than she will actually admit.

 

When one truly does not care about what a person is doing they are relieved when they sign off of IM so as to not have to be confronted with the possiblity of speakign to that person.

 

The people in my life i truly didn't want around anymore i can tell you i was RELIEVED if they were not on IM when i signed on. That is what happens when one really doesn't care. The ONLY time something like this would have bothered me is if it was someone i did care about. I had a longterm friend and the friendship was severed, and it bothered me because we were very close, but she had just gotten to the point that being her friend was getting extremely taxing and we had a falling out. But at the same time i missed the friendship so when she logged out when i logged in it hurt. I may have said to people "i dont care about her" but i did, if i didn't her logging out would have been a relief.