a ridiculous argument

[d24]

i need a sounding board for this... i'm gunna write this as hoestly as i can because there's no point in me putting my spin or interpretations on events or you're not going to be able to make an informed unbiased opinion.

 

my gf desperately wanted to see the SATC movie and we had originally planned to see it next Saturday. Her best friend had decided to go on Thursday night and she came to me on wednesday night asking if we could see it Thursday also (different cinema though) so that her friend wouldn't ruin it for her, and so they could talk about it on Friday.

 

I said no problem, we arranged to see a 7:30pm showing on Thursday. As 6th June was our 3yr anniversary and we had planned to do the cinema/meal out thing, I suggested that we do that on Thursday and forget about next Saturday. She agreed.

 

Flash forward to Thursday lunchtime, my gf calls me to say she's forgotten her lunch at home and she's going to buy a jacket potato to fill her up. When she calls 20mins later and I ask her about what restraunt does she want to go to she says that she feels really ill and can't even think about dinner tonight - so she can't make a decision on where we're going to meet. No probelm, she can decide later I think.

 

I text her at 2:30pm saying i'm going into a review meeting that is due to end at 5:30, so she needs to text me and tell me where we're going to meet, what we're going to do, etc.

 

At about 5pm it becomes apparent that my meeting is going to take a LOT logner than previously anticipated. I tell my boss that I need to leave soon and can't really stay around much longer because I had a dinner date. He said he understood, but that I had to understand that because of the deadline we had to do this piece of work before we left - and as I was the only person around who knew how MS-Access worked that they really needed me to stay. Not much I could do about it, so I had to stay - especially considering I'd just got a big promotion and pay rise. I texted my gf to let her know I might be a bit late.

 

She calls me 5:15 while I'm in the meeting and I take the call just outside the door. I tell her that I can't get away, has she thought about where she wants to eat. She says no. I ask her if she wants to pickup the cinema tickets (as they nearly soldout) and grab some McDonalds or something. She says she doesn't want to do that because as I had no car today I couldn't get to the cinema on time. I said ok, if you come to the train station you can pick me up, we can grab a snack to eat, and get there in time. She says ok and hangsup.

 

It gets to around 6pm and I text her to let her know we're almost done. It takes me 10mins to walk to the train station and then another 10 to drive to the cinema from there. She replies not to bother because I've ruined the night. I ignore it, complete the meeting and call her back 6:20 and ask her to met me at the train station. she says this time that she's very hungry and wants to eat a proper meal out.

 

Well obviously we don't have enough time to see the 7.30 and have a meal so I tell her we either have McD and the 7.30 or we go to a restaurant and catch the 9.30. So basically I was asking her what's more important - the meal or the movie.

 

She's pretty stubborn and refused to change the movie time for whatever reason (the 9.30 showing was at a cinema a few miles away) but says she wants a meal rather than a snack. It's obviously impossible but I say to her 'meet me at the train station in 10mins' and i was hoping we could rush and get everything done in time. She didn't get to the station till 6.50 (so i'd been waiting around for 20mins) and starts yelling at me telling me i ruin everything and the one time she wants to do something I ruin it.

 

I calm her down a bit, I tell her I couldn't get away (she doesn't believe it as apparently she just leaves when she wants to and thinks i should be able to do the same) and I say look.... 9.30+meal or 7.30 + McD. The stubbornness kicks in again as she picks 7.30 + McD despite being 'starving'. Fair enough, the movie means more to her then...

 

She gets the tickets and finds seats while I get McD over the road. It takes a good 15mins to get served during which time she's sending me texts like 'just elave its not worth it' and 'im going in without you if you're not here in 2mins'. i rush the staff, get a refund, and they give me some random chesseburgers. i run to the cinema just in time to catch her from going in. I put the food in her purse and we find great seats (to be fair its exactly where she'd have picked - back row, slightly off centre). time now is 7.20

 

the cinema is PACKED and she starts saying things like 'im trying to see where we'd have sat if we got here any later' to which i replied 'look we got here in time, we got decent seats, can we just relax now please'. I get an earfull about how 2 cheeseburgers and a drink wasn't dinner (we also had some chocolates), so I said to her after the show we'd get a pizza (as the restraunts would be closed)

 

watched the movie, got out, and asked if she was hungry and she replies 'not really'. we go past some takeouts and i say stop here we'll get a small pizza to share or something. we stop and i look in my pocket and i only have £4 or so and these places didn't take cards. she gets angry and drives off before i can get out.

 

'how were you expecting to buy us a meal out then' she shouts - i could have paid by card. 'whats the point in saying you'll buy a pizza then if you dont have cash' - i didnt know till we got there. then she goes on about how i ruined the night again.

 

as we step in the door i say to her look, here's some more change - do you want me to go over the road to the chippy and get us something? No she replies - she's not hungry. She sits down and starts logging into that damn facebook again. i swear she spends half her life on it. anyway, i say i'm going up (to bed now) and brush my teeth etc and lay down. she comes up and starts shouting at me saying how i always ruin her nights out, that i should have left work earlier, that i shouldnt offer to do things i cant do... etc... to top it off she says she was being stubborn and is actually starving hungry. i said i'd take her out tomorrow or that we can do the 'anniversary thing' saturday as planned but she says she doesnt want a 'pitty meal'

 

i told her it wasnt my fault for the work thing, and refused to appologise for it. probably not the smartest move. she shouts about how my career is more important to me than she is, slams the door, and we haven't spoken since (i slept in the spare room and she left early for work).

 

i know it was bad that i didnt get there in time for a meal before the movie, but i couldnt avoid it. its the first time this has ever happened (ever), and its not like i stood her up, and its not like i didnt tell her i ws going to be late. i think its more to do with her stubbornness than my lateness.... but i dont know.... like I said... I just needed a sounding board.

 

Thanks for reading --tux

[greywolf]

I read the whole thing, but I don't really know what to say. I could understand her being upset if you did this often, but from what you said this was the first time.

And how immature is that? You ruined her night??? She ruined her own night with her stubbornness. I don't know. The whole thing sounded pretty childish to me.

[d24]

seriously it really is the first time in 3 years i've 'ruined' something by not leaving enough time. i don't know what to do or say because i dont feel like i owe her an appology. if anything i want her to appologise to me, but she's so stubborn and self-righteous I know that's never going to happen.

 

Oh and to top it off, she called me selfish for 'always getting my way'. I let her make decisions, i try to get her fed and to the movie (which we did get to on time) and apparently it's me being selfish?

 

i dont know what i could have done better? I dont understand why she's so upset with me... I know I didn't have enough time to grab a meal out, but it's not really my fault (is it?)

[jazzykat]

Just wanting to ask - Why did she keep saying "You always ruin my nights out"

 

-what did she mean by that?

 

Even so, I agree with the other poster in that her reaction was pretty immature.

[greywolf]

seriously it really is the first time in 3 years i've 'ruined' something by not leaving enough time. i don't know what to do or say because i dont feel like i owe her an appology. if anything i want her to appologise to me, but she's so stubborn and self-righteous I know that's never going to happen.

 

Oh and to top it off, she called me selfish for 'always getting my way'. I let her make decisions, i try to get her fed and to the movie (which we did get to on time) and apparently it's me being selfish?

 

i dont know what i could have done better? I dont understand why she's so upset with me... I know I didn't have enough time to grab a meal out, but it's not really my fault (is it?)

 

Maybe she was just really excited, and then she got disappointed when you couldn't get out early. But instead of being mature about it and trying to make the most of it, she chose to be childish and stubborn about it. What I would have done was reassure her that she was indeed more important to me than work, but she was hell-bent on having a 'ruined' day so there wasn't much you could've done.

[mca1975]

Well I've only read half of your post and I think your girlfriend is unreasonable.

 

I would be happy with the effort you put into trying to meet up and have a nice evening, thats what counts, not the evening itself. Plenty of other nice evenings to be had.

[nutbrownhare]

Your girlfriend was behaving like a spoilt little girl. You're not going to get anything helpful out of her in this mood, any more than you would a kid who's having a tantrum.

 

If she does this sort of thing often, you might ask yourself if you want a relationship with a kid or a young woman.

 

It sounds as though you did your best in circumstances you couldn't have predicted and then did your best to do what she wanted. You might ask yourself who REALLY ruined whose night - after all, weren't you supposed to be having fun too?

[jerk chicken]

She sounds really ungreatful and immature! Its deffo not ur fault and if my bf behaved the way u did i would be really happy- aslong as i wasnt late for the film i wouldn't care and having some burgers is better than nothing! If she wanted a full meal surley she should have chosen to see the film later??? Is there an age difference?

 

I think u have to explain what u did, and that u couldnt leave and u offered to take her out again and u didnt miss any of the film so why is she behaving this way and being horrible/unreasonable to you.

[shes2smart]

Y'know...if it was a "one night only" event like a concert by one of her favorite bands or something like that, I could see getting to that level of pissed off.

 

But it wasn't. It was a movie. They'll be showing the same movie multiple times in multiple places over the next few weeks.

 

Besides, she was the one who changed the plans to go on a work night instead of Saturday. If she was so hell-bent on going opening night, maybe she should've gone with her friend instead...I mean, since it sounds like the friend was the reason she wanted to go last night instead of Saturday like you had originally planned.

 

Are you sure there's not something more going on here? Maybe other things she's upset about? Or is she sort of pouty and whiny when things don't go her way in general?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

lordy, i'm exhausted just reading that... what a drama queen she is! if you carry on with this girl your life is going to be neverending drama and misery.

 

the point is that she wants the world to revolve around her and what she wants, like a toddler. and if she doesn't get it, she makes everyone around her pay, throwing tantrums just like a toddler.

 

a mature adult would just either recognize that work sometimes means you have to stay late and get popcorn at the movie, or go out to dinner and see the movie the next night. Instead you had HOURS of sturm and drang and whining and bullying because she didn't get her way.

 

you are basically caving in to an emotional terrorist. i suggest next time she pulls this routine sit her down and tell her she's in the real world where work takes precedence, and you don't have a time machine that allows you to give her everything she wants everytime she wants.

 

if she can't learn to take life's little bumps with grace and good humor, then you need to really think about finding a new girlfriend. She's really sounds positively beastly and high maintenance, and life is too short to cater to the whims of a giant overgrown baby.

[ycmanvs]

Your girlfriend sounds very "high maintenance" emotionally. You had no control over your work situation and you told her that you would be late. The fact that she reacted as strongly as she did under these circumstances points to some other deeper, emotional problems.

You did nothing wrong. She is like a child throwing a tantrum. Of course she was disappointed, but telling you that you ruined her night is a bit absurd...

[slv3r]

you were at WORK.

 

People have forgotten things when they are lying in bed with the remote on their stupid gut and drooling at the tele.

 

You were at work - you remembered - you even cared to plan specific things for gods sake!

 

Just drop it - don't fight with her, maybe she was just having a bad day and will realize your intentions were gold and how much you care by doing all this while being stuck at work. No good can come of bickering over something the other person will not understand.

[RayKay]

Agreed. This is just not healthy at all; and the longer this goes on, the more downtrodden you are going to become......your are being manipulated left, right and centre.

 

How is she going to react when you know...something that actually will have a huge impact in your lives.... comes along (and I don't mean you having to be late to meet her for a movie!).

[Enigmatika]

She sounds like a Brutal Headache....*ACK*

 

Were it me....cool your jets with her....back Away...FAR AWAY.

 

Let her THINK on her own....perhaps she will Figure it out...and if not...no big loss.

WORK = Priority #1.

[jenny_mcs]

She sounds really immature and self-centered. I mean, my God, it's the freaking Sex and the City movie, not a wedding or an audience with the pope. You were stuck at work, offered her 2 very reasonable alternatives, but because the night wasn't exactly as planned she gets mad at you and pouts and sulks.

 

I also looked at some of your other threads, and I think she has a lot of nerve complaining about you "ruining" everything, since a few weeks ago you got a big promotion at work and she put a huge damper on everything by, instead of celebrating with you, using that as an excuse to get depressed and cry and whine about her own career situation.

 

If I were you, I would not back down and apologize for anything you did. I would tell her that you were very upset about her selfish behavior, and give her time to think about the way she acted.

 

Is this really behavior you want to tolerate? I know I couldn't stand it.

[Rabican]

you nailed it in the title... rediculous. My girl does the same thing sometimes. Ill get home a little late and shes all in a huff, I ruined the night. I do one thing wrong.. end of the world. I think its more of mood swings than her being a bad person... but its annoying as hell.

 

Today for example, got home from SATC (bad movie btw) and I wanted to go swimming. She didnt really want to go, but decided to go with me. Well somehow between getting out of the car, and getting into the house shes mad at me. Left her swimsuit on the ground and locked the front door behind her. So Im carrying my bags from the store, a drink, a 40lb box of cat litter and her stuff that she dropped... and trying to unlock the door at the same time. I go in and she locks the bedroom door and wont talk to me. Im trying to ask her if shes going to eat her steak from the store on saturday or if I can cook it the way I like it. She wont answer so Im like fine... ill just cook it and if she wanted it too bad. She goes another hour or so without talking to me.. during this time I eat, watch some tv and then leave for the pool. I still dont know if shes gonna go or not.... and the whole time Im just frustrated at how absurd shes acting.

 

So its nice to know Im not alone i guess. Sometimes women can just make ya

[greywolf]

So its nice to know Im not alone i guess. Sometimes women can just make ya

 

hahaha agreed. But men can do that too.

[d24]

thanks all for the advice and examples of other crazy incidents.

 

i think i'm going to start a new thread later becasue i'm starting to realise that she's emotionally bullying me all the time, and I don't know what to do or how to stop it/her.

 

For reference I didn't get more than 2 words out of her till Saturday lunchtime, when she started complaining about being ill. so i never even got an apology.

 

*sighs deeply*

- tux

[booyah00]

I don't want to hijack this and make it about me but I can totally relate to the emotionally bullying thing, and I figured it might make the OP feel better to hear others rant. I'm actually glad I found this post because it makes me realize that I'm not the only one putting up with this sort of behavior.

 

I don't even know where to begin with my girlfriend. To start it seems like we can have an absolutely perfect night (for her) i.e. we get food she wants.. we pick out a movie to watch at home that only she wants.. we could hang out with her family and so on. But at the end of the day if we head upstairs and she says something to me and I don't quite hear it and I ask her to repeat it.. she makes a snotty comment and says "Nevermind, obviously your doing something more important and don't want to listen to what I have to say." Things like this drive me insane.. and the sad part is I would calmly try and explain that I honestly didn't hear her and that I would never ignore her only to get attitude.

 

Another occasion that comes to mind is trying to figure out something to eat.. or figuring out a time to go somewhere.. and for some unknown reason she gets upset and pouts and doesn't want to go. Which is followed by me pleading for her to go.. in a nice way.. come on baby we still have time.. let's go out.. let's go out.. and she will be silent .. so finally I just give up after 20minutes of begging and let her be for like 20 minutes to pout and figure it out. After 20 minutes I'm the one who comes back to her to say.. ok baby you ready to go and get something to eat. and she SNAPS back "NO!, not it's TOO LATE to go out.. we should have left 20 minutes ago!" WHAT?!?!?!??! I'm floored...I explain that well.. 20 minutes ago darling I was asking you if you wanted to head out and you seemed to be mad about something so it seemed like you didn't want to go.. which is followed by her yelling "You should have KNOWN I wanted to go I haven't eatin in 3 hours!!!" To which I reply "Well ok I'm sorry I didn't know.. let's head out now to get you something" to which she says "No now it's too late and I probably won't eat for the next day"

 

It's times like this that I want to rip my hair out .. I cannot tolerate such childish behavior. When she is in "good moods" I try and explain that you can't go through life expecting things to work out perfectly or else your setting yourself up for failure. Then I go on to ask what happens when something bigger comes along like a car wreck or a flat tire or falling behind on credit cards or something.. You can't let the little stuff upset you or else you were just end up being miserable all the time. Her reponse to that is either tears or silence .. or maybe an "I don't care" .. I'm hoping to god that my gf will change and perhaps it's just something that she will grow out of.. but its been nearly a year and it seems to just be getting worse. I don't know how much more I can take. What is up with these childish girlfriends who think the world revolves around them and every single problem they have.

 

I had my grandma die at christmas.. The family cat got ran over by a car and died the same day.. my family is mourning on christmas day.. and I come back to my girlfriend a bit down and am a little quiet... a few days later she can't find a pair of pants and shes in tears and I'm the one holding her telling her it's gonna be ok we can solve this!. I mean come the F on.. I figured I wouldn't see any childish behavoir from her for at least a month after what I went through, but I guess I was wrong. ****SIIIIIGHHHHHHHH***** Good to know I'm not alone ..

[RayKay]

I don't know how much more I can take. What is up with these childish girlfriends who think the world revolves around them and every single problem they have.

 

I do, they are with partners whom reinforce the negative behaviour. What struck me in your post booyah is how you go out of your way to do EVERYTHING "her way" and neither is that enough for her, but she does not appreciate it either. That just is not healthy - where is the balance? Where is the consideration of your needs/interests, etc too?

 

I know that come off as harsh, but plain and simple they are doing what they are getting away with. Honestly, there is only one way I can see the changing - you walking away from them when they are behaving that way and telling them simply you are NOT going to deal with those kind of antics. If they don't change, then only you can set the boundaries (i.e. refuse to remain in a relationship with them anymore) but right now you are letting these manipulations control the relationship, and you.

 

Both your girlfriends seriously sound like toddlers with no capacity of understanding the world does not revolve around them. Is that really your idea of a healthy, supportive, loving relationship.

[jenny_mcs]

 

but plain and simple they are doing what they are getting away with.

 

Great post from RayKay, and I hope both the guys on this thread who have similar problems will think about what she is saying. Why do you guys let yourself be treated with so little respect?

[TBE_1989]

thanks all for the advice and examples of other crazy incidents.

 

i think i'm going to start a new thread later becasue i'm starting to realise that she's emotionally bullying me all the time, and I don't know what to do or how to stop it/her.

 

For reference I didn't get more than 2 words out of her till Saturday lunchtime, when she started complaining about being ill. so i never even got an apology.

 

*sighs deeply*

- tux

 

So no explanation when she returned from work the day after?

 

I was initally going to post and perhaps give her the benefit of the doubt for that night in case it was just a case of a bad day or crazy girly hormones or something. I mean, I'm ready to flip at my boyfriend any minute now cos I have severe PMS and have been chronically stressed for months, it's out of character and unlike me, but there's a reason behind it... but if she can't even apologise to you days after the incident then I don't really think she has any excuse to hide behind, even if she is unwell. I think when most people behave irrationally and overreact they realise their behaviour was inappropriate pretty soon after...but, what 3 days later and no apology? I'm not sure I'm so prepared to give her the benefit of the doubt anymore. We can all overreact from time to time but not having the maturity to apologise and recognise irrational behaviour in oneself is a form of selfishness, I think.

 

I guess it goes without saying you need to talk to her about this! Do ask her if there's an underlying reason for this behaviour though.

[Rabican]

hahaha agreed. But men can do that too.

 

I wouldnt know Ive never dated one

[chocolate-cake]

Why are u guys still with these OTT selfish girlfriends???? They are walking over u like a doormat..its hard to find men who treat girls like a queen these days and these girls are responding by being a total * * * * * ...i dont undersatnd why u would stay no matter the good times these episodes seem enough of a dealbreaker to me...

[thejigsup]

You were very sweet. You offered her several ways to work it out. She was just trying to lay a guilt trip on you. Tell her next time, you're going to take someone else who is nicer to you. Then do it! She in no way deserves you. You were gold, she was trash.