Signs of a commitment phobe.

[Silverbirch]

It is possible that at some point he will run away. That's more likely if he feels any pressure for what he sees as commitment. If you are wanting marriage and children further down the track , this guy probably isn't relationship material for you.

 

I think you will find that if you remain sort of aloof or nonchalant and let him do most of the "pursuing" he is more likely to hang about. If you need lots of closeness though, I think you will be disappointed.

[happpybear]

how can you tell if a guy is a CP prior to actually dating? Like say you like the guy but are not dating, just talking and getting to know him, I think most if the signs in the OP were focused on behaviour when you are already dating or have become intimate.

 

Would these people be more inclined to play attraction games? like ignoring, trying to make you jealous, cat and mouse or other inconsistent behavior?

 

One think that struck me was the notion that their actions will not match their words. it reminds me of a situation with a man where he made it known to our mutual friends that he was very interested in me and he knew i was interested, but when it came right down to it, his actions toward me were the complete opposite, he seemed almost afraid to even be near me, and he would avoid or run away often. It was baffling, and i just figured he was scared of me, but after reading this i am inclined to think that CP might have been a factor.

 

Some of his previous RS's were short lived, and he was pursuing bartenders and women with really weird work hours which would make it hard to actually have a relationship.

[Silverbirch]

That may not necessarily mean he was CP - he may just not be confident around women or in making the first moves.

[happpybear]

That may not necessarily mean he was CP - he may just not be confident around women or in making the first moves.

 

i suspect this,^^

 

But, in hindsight, has anyone who has had a relationship with a CP seen any noticeable warning signs prior to dating? Has anyone been friends with a CP? what sort of CP behavior do they exhibit that you might pick up on when getting to know them?

[Silverbirch]

Yes, I was friends with my SO for at least a year before getting involved. Well, we are older than you so maybe some things about him I thought were more to do with being an older person. He's extremely independent and doesn't "need" other people - and a lot of people would see that as him being very secure within himself - maybe he is.

 

I did know that he had been married and divorced many years before and he had told me that he would NEVER marry again. When he got together with me though, he told me that up until that point he was now feeling that perhaps he hadn't met the right person. He asked me to marry him - which I didn't take too seriously - and then later, he must have panicked and back-tracked. Since that time, he has said quite a few conflicting things about marriage and relationships.

 

His level of CP, from his admission to me is that it interferes with every part of his life and that he finds it difficult to make plans of any type due to the CP.

 

Oh, he hates the whole suburban thing and has never been one of those people who likes children although he did have one child of his own who he dotes on. He has said to me many times that he hopes she never makes him a grandad because he doesn't like children and the idea of a child about doesn't appeal. Funny that because I know one of his friends who has kids, and those kids REALLY like him a lot.

[Silverbirch]

Oh, when I said he "dotes on his daughter", I mean in his own way - not the same way other people usually do.

 

He has also said MANY times that if we were both younger, he would so like us to have a child together. Go figure.

[happpybear]

so just a fear or inability of getting close to people? or just superficial friendships?

 

some of the things you described above remind me of me! i am super ind pendant, don't want kids and don care if I get married, but i am in no way a CP. so i guess it may be impossible to tell if someone else is without getting closer to them through dating and perhaps learning the hard way...

[Silverbirch]

Yes Happybear, I think you are right with that.

[David Cho]

I read all the discussion of this thread. I feel that I am a "commitment phobic". However, I have few things to discuss here.

 

I recently broke up with my girl friend. My gf was 5 years older than me. I being 26 and she 31. She was at the age where women at her age gets married in her culture. I was honest with her. At the start of the relationship, I told her that I am not yet ready for marriage, children etc but in the long run if we find each other compatible enough we can think about getting settled down together. I told her I am young and have ambitions and career to look at. I don't want to marry in 4 to 5 years. She agreed to it. During our relationship, she wanted to meet me everyday as we lived nearby. She also interferred in my personal life like (my workout schedules and office work). This irritated me so much because I want my own space. I would've loved to give her full weekend. But, on weekdays I am super busy in my work and personal things. I loved to see her on weekends ONLY. We broke-up (un-offially) 2 to 3 times. But, got back because we loved to be together. It is to mention here that when she wanted to meet me desperately I told her I am busy in work. But, when she broke up with me even though I was busy, I did everything to get her back. This happened 3 times. the more she went away from me, the more i got attracted to her. But, we had apparently many differences in culture, music taste, religion, social activities etc. I was just afraid to make a life-time commitment with her. perhaps, because I had much time to settle down and could find better options in future. Perhaps, I didn't want to let her wait for me until she crosses 35 or perhaps I was just afraid of the idea of of someone interferring in my personal affairs for my whole life. Even though I love her yet I am afraid! Does this make me a "commitment phobic"? If yes, what can I do to overcome it?

[Silverbirch]

Hi David, I don't think any of those things you did make you a commitmentphobe. The things which she did - interfering in your life - were certainly not reasonable things for her to have done. Any person would be within their right to tell her not to do those things as it is disrespectful. I think that the reasons you did not want to marry her were because there were a lot of incompatibilities as far as being with that person for life - even though you loved her.

 

My understanding is that commitmentphobe, as in avoidant attachment style, could manifest in varying degrees. For a lot of people with that type of "commitmentphobia", they have difficulties in making plans, not just with partners, but in their day to day lives. It can affect their jobs and even planning holidays and trips.

[David Cho]

Thank you for your reply.

Actually, I broke up 2 weeks ago. That was my decision!! But, now, I want her back so desperately (signs of a commitment phobe). She gave me so much love and I (probably a commitment phobe) didn't appreciate it. In short, I have shown almost all 42 signs of a commitment phobe as described in the start of this thread.

 

As she is gone now (she isn't responding to my calls), I realize that how loveable person she was. I think, I can go back to her and apologize to her and probably will win her back BUT I am afraid!!. I am scared of being a commitment phobe. After she comes back to me, I may lose interest in her (because of being a CP and/or apparent differences in age, culture, she wants to get settled and I don't want to marry etc). My heart says go for it and my mind says you have so much time to settle down, you cannot commit to anyone now. Any suggestions or opinions will be appreciated?

[Silverbirch]

David, if you are commitmentphobic, you can get help with this if you want to. I would advise that you look around at various options for counselling. All the best!

[human 19]

Well I used to think I was a commitmentphobe until I read that first post.

That list reads more applicable to players than to me.

There's hope yet

 

It is only in the last few years that I started looking back at previous relationships and the pieces seemed to fall into place.

In my first major relationship many years ago I was quite happy until she told me she loved me. At that point I just wanted to run for the hills. I stayed on for a while out of routine but eventually broke up.

In a later relationship when she said she loved me, I selfishly lied or waffled just to keep it going, even though I didnt reciprocate the feelings. This just led to grief down the line, so I decided never to stick with a relatoionship in future, if I saw no long term prospects. Also decided never to lie about loving someone when I didnt.

Another thing i noticed over the years is that I seem to skip the initial knee-trembling, can't eat, want to phone constantly bit, and just to to the happy lying together on the couch with a bottle of wine watching TV but, or being out together...basically just in each other's company.

 

Unfortunately I seem to stop there and dont actually fall in love.

 

The fact that I seem to have gained some understanding of the causes and reasons for my actions gives me hope for the future. Im not going to lie to a prospective girlfriend, so it remains to be seen if someone would be happy to have me if I am very happy to be with her, even live with her or marry her, but just cant reciprocate the Love.

 

Regarding players..I knew one before who told me he would be depressed at the end of the night if he didn't “score a chick”. The word that sprang to my mind was “driven”. It was like he was in a repeating loop trying to recapture something he had lost before. I couldn't chat up anyone to save my life but, if I could, would I have gone down the same road? 2 sides of the same coin?

 

, he runs every time they became sexually intimate,he may be gone for between a week to a month before calling then he will refuse to see her for a long time.He says he loves her and has admitted making mistakes with women in the past because he runs from feelings.He always want to know if she is seeing someone else,and will call continuously when he doesn't reach my friend,he even seems scared if she doesn't pick up.Do you think he genuinely loves her but is scared of being hurt or is this just a game to him?

 

Reminds me of something I used to do in the past. If I rang someone and aske them out but was refused, the abandonment wail in my head my force me to ring and try again, even though I knew logically that I was making a *** of myself

 

Supposedly CP is often caused by trauma in childhood involving loss or rejection. His dad had abandoned the family when he was six months old and his step-father was abusive. He has never had a good relationship.

 

Ta,daa...(well, for me at least)

 

I was adopted out at 6 months old. They say nowadays that thats too late but Im sure that would be gotten over, in time

 

Another Brick in the wall pt.2... At 1½ years, I was taken to hospital for burns. Skin graft. To avoid infection, they wouldnt let anyone else in the room. I also started scratching the wounds so they tied my arms to the bed. Then I started using my feet so they tied these to the bed also.

 

When I started school, the abandonment issues kicked in. I had to be dragged crying to school and then kept tyring to run home. 2 yrs later afte my brother started school I woulod see my mum delivering hom and try ro rush out of class to her. I even had to be held back.

At that point they decided I had mental issues so some genius...

 

Another Brick in the wall pt.3... decided to take me away from the family and put me in a mental hospital for a week

 

Another Brick in the wall pt.4...That didnt work so the boffins put their intelligent heads together and decided to put me in the same hospital again for 3 months. When I left this time, I was later informed by my mother, my spirit had been broken. I assume the wall had been completed at that stage.

 

I can imagine that my mother , when dropping me off, was telling me that she loved me and my 7 year old reaction may have been...”That's love is it? Well , if so, you can shove it up your ass”

 

 

I think they honestly want a good relationship, but the fear takes over and they cannot control it. They feel an overwhelming need to get away and create distance.

 

see wikipedia link below

 

Nice stories. Now let me tell you my story. When a CP met another CP

But I acted and still acting like a teenager!!! I found it stupid, ironically and funny in the same time. And the part that scares me is that I don't want to run away. It's like an emotional-sadomasochist game for me. For her is the same but I'm pretty sure she finds it not so funny as I do. She can't fight at all against her fears and she change moods very fast (in hours).

Now our "love story" looks rusty and seems to come to an end. Now I want her and she runs away from me. Probably that's why I want her, 'cause I can't have her. But who knows. I'll let you know.

 

 

Great Post. Have a look at this wiki page regarding attachment patterns:

link removed

[streetlove2012]

In a later relationship when she said she loved me, I selfishly lied or waffled just to keep it going, even though I didnt reciprocate the feelings. This just led to grief down the line, so I decided never to stick with a relatoionship in future, if I saw no long term prospects. Also decided never to lie about loving someone when I didnt.

 

Hey human19,

I stumbled upon your response to this post and was curious about something.....

In your previous relationships, was it that you just couldn't say "I love you" to your girlfriends at the time or was it that you just didn't feel it?

I was in a relationship for a little over a year and told my then boyfriend "I love you" first with no response from him. He didn't run for the hills and his behavior didn't change, in fact, I felt like he became closer. But I left because at the end of the day even though he claimed he "cared for me more than the world" he could never say "I love you" to me. I've always wondered and I've posted on here asking what brings a man to say I love you to his girl.

[Lady42]

So where do I go from here? It seems to me after reading this that the 28 year old guy I was "dating" for several months was a (possibly severe) commitment phobe. Once I triggered his fears to the point of no return he started liking/pursuing a different girl that in a nutshell was not relationship material, was not interested, and does not have the qualities he was ultimately looking for. My question is... Will he come back? Will he realize he made a mistake? What usually happens next? Is he gone for good? Thanks

[human 19]

Hi Streetlove. I just didnt feel it. I cant remember exactly what it was but I think I felt trapped or something, but as it was a subconscious thing, I cant say exactly what it was. Its impossible to say what your ex's reason was without knowing a lot more. I would assume that those of us who either dont feel it or cant say it are a small minority.

[redswim30]

My ex husband was a committment phobe and this list is absolutely accurate- Particualrly numbers 1, 9, 22, and 41- experienced all of those quite often.

[forbes247]

A huge thanks to all the posts and websites with information about CP’s, you’ve so made my day!!

 

My girlfriend told me my boyfriend I’ve just broken up with was one. I didn’t read much into this because I just thought it was a saying but the day after we broke up I googled it and OMG! - it’s him down to the tee! Although it still hurts, I’m relieved that the reason for our breakup was him, not me. I was blaming myself - going over everything justifying my actions, if I had of done that, If I hadn’t of said this. As soon as I found out he was a CP I wanted to text him “This is what you have babe.” I wish I had of known beforehand – I so would of handled everything differently.

 

He is a classic CP - his parents got divorced when he was young. He doesn’t speak to his Dad, and although he won’t admit it, he followed in his Dad’s footsteps and became a helicopter pilot. His mum has been married three times and he doesn’t want to get married or have kids which he told me straight up when we first started seeing each other. I should of questioned him more about this but they weren’t a biggies for me – marriage is taken so much for granted now days and I’m not maternal plus I wanted to be with him and was happy to sacrifice these for him.

 

He is the best lover I’ve ever had and at the start of our relationship he was the perfect boyfriend. But looking back now the writing was on the wall from the beginning and I was oblivious. Right off the bat he told me that he was too old for all the drinking and that he needed to change his lifestyle, eat more healthy, etc, - again why did I not question him more on this. It was all fantastic for a while until our first full week together over Xmas - things changed and he started not considering what I wanted to do and expecting me just to fit in with him and his lifestyle. I feel like I was taken for granted and didn’t know how to tell him because I knew he had a lot going on. I guess sub consciously I knew something wasn’t right.

 

His CP is soley with relationships - girlfriends, family and friends, as he has just brought 10 acres and has heaps of toys – Harley, Ducati, bow, a Ford F150 truck. He works 28 days on overseas as a pilot and 28 days off back home. And he drinks every day when he is back - not 1 or 2 a day but 7 or more and is a heavy smoker. I don’t mind him drinking everyday as long as it doesn’t affect our relationship and that he considers me first. But I think this is his coping mechanism – a way of covering up his reality, insecurities and issues.

 

Although he didn’t do it to me, he has switched his mb off to escape from friends and family. And panics about not having enough time to catch up with everyone when he is back from work.

 

We had a small tiff over nothing really which lead into a massive fight about our priorities in our relationship – it still wasn’t resolved when we went to bed and I threatened to leave the next day. And I kept asking him how did it get to this..?! In the morning I apologised for saying I would leave, that I only said it so he would say don’t go baby. He wanted me to stay and then I said those three words ‘I love you’ to him because I do, and also to reassure him I did want to be with him. He freaked and basically asked me to leave straight away - he didn’t ask where I was going or even say goodbye and that really hurt. And he didn’t text me that day or the next to see if I was okay or where I had gone.

 

When he broke up with me he went beyond mean and said he was physically and sexually attracted to me but not in love with me and he never would be. It was like we were mates and like a routine of where we had been together for over a year. However first off, he did admit that everything leading up to this point was mainly his fault. When he’s in a relationship he worries all the time. He’ll be really into a girl at the start then will just go off them like that. He said he should just be alone and go back to how he was before I meet him – basically a rolling drunk. He said his heart is empty and if he was in love with me he would walk over broken glass for me but he dosen’t feel like that about me – that’s not right ay.

 

He is now back at work overseas away from reality probably forgetting about me… He knows that he’s the root cause of his failed relationships but does he know he is a CP…? Do I bother to try and tell him or cut my loses…? I know that he has to face his childhood traumas which may be a long and hard road before he can have a long term relationship but I want to help him as a friend. I can’t help but think because he went into so much detail with me about his issues with relationships that he does want to fix himself – he does want to be happy, he does want a girlfriend, wife and kids…. All my friends (and blogs) are saying to forget him and move on – that he’s got to work it out for himself in his own time. And if he wants to contact me he will. What do you think? Is it better that I just walk away… It’s so hard to walk away from someone you’re in love with and can’t help but know the key to his happiness.

 

I have ordered the book “Men who can’t love” and hope that this will help me understand, deal with it and move on.

[Untameable47]

I have some of those qualities on that list. I had some daddy issues growing up so that might be a part of it. My ex-girlfriend had some abandonment issues with her mom when she was younger. We dated for 3 years on and off. I moved in with her after she gave me an ultimatum. We both had problems with drugs. I never cheated on her but she cheated on me at least a few times. Near the end we started to talk about marriage. I believe relationships are like training camp for marriage. The way your mate acts when they are with you can give clues to how they will act when u marry them. I did desire to marry her at some point but her cheating on me didn't sit with me too well. Its been 2 years since our final break up. She is with someone else now and she called me up one night not too long ago and wanted me to meet her somewhere. So I agreed and we caught up a bit. Showed me pictures of her kids. She was trying to convey to me that she has changed since we were together and we started making out after she told me she loved the guy she was with now. I told her she hasn't changed a bit. So we went back to my place and on the way she was getting all this emotional support from her 2 longtime friends who can't keep their legs closed if their life depended on it. I was thinking "where was all this support when she was with me" so we get to my place and she says she wants to get down then she stops right before we do and calls her friend to come take her home. I was thinking "either she really has changed a bit or she just wanted to show me that she has". The only fear i have now is from being around alot of silly women who don't take relationships seriously. All i'm saying is some of us guys have a healthy dose of comitophobia that mainly come from all them crazy chica's out there.

[nutbrownhare]

All i'm saying is some of us guys have a healthy dose of comitophobia that mainly come from all them crazy chica's out there.

 

The 'crazy chicas' didn't cause your commitment phobia - they just confirmed it. Someone who was serious about settling down and having a healthy life together wouldn't have stayed with a woman like this in the first place.

[shasha75]

The 'crazy chicas' didn't cause your commitment phobia - they just confirmed it. Someone who was serious about settling down and having a healthy life together wouldn't have stayed with a woman like this in the first place.

 

I want some honest opinion on what went wrong with my intense interactions with a man for 1.5 months. Iam confused whether it was my expectations that broke us up or the fact that he was a CP.

I met this guy on an online matrimonial site. We never met, but we spent every available minute talking and texting each other (about 3-4 hours every night on weekdays and almost the whole day on weekends). I gradually started falling for him and did convey this to him indirectly. Initially he had stopped searching on the site for a while, but I saw that he became active again and was online almost everyday. Probably this happened becoz I conveyed my feelings to him? After 1.5 months, I asked him if we can be exclusive and everything went downhill from then on. He said that it was too early for such talk and he said that he did not want me to have any expectations from him and neither did he have any from me. He also made a statement that iam not his top reference. I just could not understand why someone would spend every available minute talking to you, and still make such a comment. This hurt me a lot, but I still tried to be normal. I was very confused, becoz we had met on a matrimonial site, not a dating site. We both are from a country where views on marriage are very traditional.

I tried my best to make it work, but it started feeling one-sided and I eventually gave up. He was not at all willing to compromise on the ‘searching’ part. And after I initiated that discussion, he became very active on the site. Almost as if he was doing it just to piss me off. I told him that his active searching was hurting me and that I did not want to be an alternative option. But he never understood or made any efforts to show that he cared about my feelings. . I honestly could not understand any of this, as I had never met someone like this before. I always thought that when you like someone, one would try to make it work. And not try to run away at the smallest sign of an issue.

Was I wrong in my expectations?

[Capricorn3]

shasha75: It would be a good idea to start your own thread as this thread is 5 years old and the OP has never been back since. Thanks. Thread closed.