Signs of a commitment phobe.

[Sim54]

Why were you so attracted to him?

[wilyone 11]

Why were you so attracted to him?

 

In the beginning, when these men are trying to win you over, they are incredibly romantic and ardent pursuers. They act vulnerable, like they need you more than the other way around. They are charming, sweet and say all the right things. Very seductive, incredible in bed.

 

Once they win you over, everything changes. They withdraw and become stingy with their time and affection. But they're conflicted at the same time. They will say how much they miss you and REALLY want to see you, but then they'll cancel a date with you at the last minute for no good reason. It's an emotional roller coaster.

 

I think they honestly want a good relationship, but the fear takes over and they cannot control it. They feel an overwhelming need to get away and create distance.

[Marmot]

Nice stories. Now let me tell you my story. When a CP met another CP

For 3-4 weeks I found for the first time that such a phobia really exists. All my life I ran away from serious relationships and every time I put it on the fact that I'm too picky with girls/women. My favourite line was: "I want a family and children someday, but I still have enough time". All my friends got married and everybody wanted to introduce me single women for a serious relationship in order to fit the group. Things got so bad, I was so scared, that I moved in another country (different language, everything) in order to get rid of everybody. I repeat, at that time I didn't know that this is a phobia. It was not something that I read about, the fear was coming from inside.

Ok, I changed the country, another several years of short term relationships and the excuse was: "for a serious relationship I must learn the language". I want to be clear: I never deceived a woman. I never promised her something that I knew I cannot or don't want to offer her.

 

Now starts the comedy. I met a women. She was/is very friendly but far far far away from my type and completely different from me in every "apparent" way. We went out in a group of friends but we ended several times together alone, we talked and so on. She told me at first how she ended all previous relationships (every time she did it) but how important is for her to be in a relationship. In the first 2-3 weeks she did so much: calling, texting, attention (10x times more than normally a woman does) that I got really scared: calling us a couple, met her friends, parents. One night we went out. I wanted to dump her but the night was so perfect and for a while I forgot all my fears and decided to fight against all my fears and to do it right this time. The next morning was perfect and in the evening.... ( horror movie - soundtrack).... SHE DUMPED ME!!. She said she wanted some time alone. I was for several days happy that she did it but afterwards I got sad. After several days she came back to me. What followed is like this: she dumps me (let's stay friends, I want you so bad near me but not as a lover), me running from her, she coming back. After 3 months: me getting into her, she running from me very very fast. After several weeks: I completely ignore her she gets mad at me because I ignored her. When I ask her out she refuses. When I don't call her or ignore her she asks me out.

 

In 3 months we broke and got together sometimes 2 or 3 time every week. She feels my fears and intentions and I feel hers. When she wants me I don't want her, when I want her she doesn't want me. I'm a serious man (almost 30) with a very good job and a career, I'm extremely organized and strong in everything I do (mental and physical). But I acted and still acting like a teenager!!! I found it stupid, ironically and funny in the same time. And the part that scares me is that I don't want to run away. It's like an emotional-sadomasochist game for me. For her is the same but I'm pretty sure she finds it not so funny as I do. She can't fight at all against her fears and she change moods very fast (in hours).

 

She told me that she went to a doctor and she found out she has commitementphobia. Than I googled it, and read about it.

Now our "love story" looks rusty and seems to come to an end. Now I want her and she runs away from me. Probably that's why I want her, 'cause I can't have her. But who knows. I'll let you know.

[BlueEagle]

Well said. I don't want to live together within three months or be discussing in detail things like marriage/kids; it's WAY too early for that! We're still getting to know each other. My ex wanted me to meet her brother-in-law after the third or fourth date. Things can definitely go too fast early on and as a result fizzle out. It's like taking a drive somewhere scenic ... enjoy the ride, slow down, take it all in. The journey is just as important as the destination.

[ssd453]

This is a really good list of characteristics to look out for. I recently dated a guy who exhibited the same behavior. It might be different with women. I think it is normal to be commitment phobic, but the key is to not blame your partner. It's damaging for someone to hear that they are not good enough, or that they have make-believe problems because someone is not ready to settle down. It is hard to self-reflective, but doing so is important to make a change. It's good to be independent, but the reality is we are all dependent on each other to some degree..having safe boundaries but also acknowledging our faults is a good way to have a healthy relationship.

[kuteknish]

does anyone know anyone they've pegged as "CP" but then that person ends up in a good, committed relationship or even marriage?

[Marmot]

Here is an advice from someone with CP who was involved with someone also with CP. (read my story above)

RUN AS FAR AS POSSIBLE from us. We just hurt people. It is not our intention but this is what we do.

As long as someone doesn't want us we are ready to fight to get that person. When he or she is there for us, fall in love with us we will not be happy any more and finally we will run away. And in a short time we will search the next "victim".

 

Aaa..... I almost forgot. The end of my story is: I fell in love and then was the end of line for her. Now I'm hurt but I'm going to be honest and I have to say it: I would have done the same if it was the other way around. I wanted her so much because she was the first who wanted to step back.

 

If you get hurt by a CP don't be very mad and don't search for revenge. A normal person can find love, start a family and find happiness in it. We cannot. We will never be happy. We search for the perfect one but we reject everybody.

[Silverbirch]

The man in my life told me he is a commitmentphobe. I certainly wouldn't describe him as charming and romantic. In fact, his self-description - blunt and the most unromantic man in the world. I think that is accurate although he has surprised me on a few occasions with the romantic thing - he would never buy flowers, chocolates, that sort of thing, but when his guard has slipped, he has said and done a few things which to me are romantic. Depends on how and what you regard as romantic.

 

Marriage isn't important to me. As I'm a mature-aged woman and already had a grown-up child, I don't wish to have more children. He is in the same situation.

 

I think we do have to be careful of labels. With some of the experiences shared here, there would be some professionals who are likely to label some of these people as having borderline personality dissorder or some other personality dissorder. People are individuals and can have varying degrees of almost anything.

 

What I think is that no matter who I am with, what sort of person they are, I must never forget that my sense of self-worth comes from within me. I am responsible for myself and to take care of myself. Right now, I am happy with this person. There are ups and downs just as there would be with anyone, but to date, nothing like some of the stories shared here.

 

Something about this particular man I won't delude myself about - I'd say that largely because he has been on his own for so long, he is completely used to only having to consider himself so compromise hasn't been something in his personal life he has had to do very often. I have seen quite a few changes which have at first seemed subtle but becoming more pronounced in regard to this.

 

I've only been with him for 6 months although I've known him 2 years and he was a friend for quite a while before we got together.

 

I'm sort of surprised that this man opens up more and more to me - about his fears and insecurities. I can be a friend and lover - but I'm not anybody's psychiatrist. I don't play mother to grown men either. We do seem to share the same sense of humor, and I think that is a real assett.

[Sim54]

I have a sneaking suspicion that I won't get close to a mature adult relationship until well into my 40's or beyond. I've just turned 40, and am still struggling with past issues. I can for the first time kind of see how adults might relate to each other, but after decades of the kind of childish and selfish nonsense I have both propagated, and been subjected to, I still struggle to let go of the past and move on. I'm not sure what it is that I'm afraid of. I have been a dedicated partner to one or two girls, and they left me, the rest would probably declare me commitment phobic, despite my dedication to the others. I usually run when I feel smothered, and it seems I pick women who feel the same way when I come on guns blazing.

 

Most of my ex's seem to have found someone to be with by playing the numbers game, and simply jumping from guy to guy till one sticks. In the end, people run from that which scares them, which for a lot of guys is being smothered, and for a lot of women is being abandoned. Caught between being alone, or being smothered, I end up usually alone. Neither are ideal, but being alone is something I tend to have more control over.

 

In the end, there are no fairy tale endings. Life is harsh, and love difficult and down right destructive at times, but i still appreciate the little things that can happen.

 

A friend of mine in Paris is very much in love with her new boyfriend. She spent years dating numerous guys, and at one point had 5 boyfriends. Yup, 5. She was seeing and sleeping with 5 different men, and managed to keep it together. She ended it with all of them eventually, and none of them ever found out. You might judge her harshly for that, but she is one of the loveliest people I know. Now, she tells me her and her man take it in turns to read to each other each night before they sleep. That, more than any story of great sex, has me jealous!

 

Who knows where it will end up? We can only keep moving forward, and trying to do what we can.

[Silverbirch]

"In the end, there are no fairy tale endings. Life is harsh, and love difficult and down right destructive at times, but i still appreciate the little things that can happen."

 

So true and so eloquently expressed Sim. Oh 40's is a great age for everything!

[sandrawg]

Exact same thing happened to me, only it was just a 6-month-long relationship...he didn't talk about marriage. But when I wanted to know why he blindsided me with a breakup, he said similar kinds of things as your guy. Almost exactly the same.

 

I DO believe there are commitmentphobes and that it's not always "he/she is just not into you." It's simply not possible to be SO into a person one minute, then NOT the next. Feelings are just not that fleeting. When you get blindsided, I think there's something deeper going on wiht that person than just, how they feel about YOU.

[sandrawg]

Truth is, YOU don't have to be the one pressuring them for a commitment. They will pursue YOU. My ex was the one who wanted to be gf/bf. That's how they end up fooling you.

[sandrawg]

Jeez..do you REALLY want this kind of life? It prevents oyu from having deep intimacy with another person, which is the most fulfilling thing in the world. I suggest you bith get therapy.

[Sim54]

If you spend more than a few months with a so called commitment phobe, then you your self have issues. Blaming one person for the breakdown of a relationship is the same as claiming the relationship was a success due to just one person. You were there, you wanted them, you were turned on by their behaviour, and more to the point, you subconsciously chose them for this very trait! Google imago therapy, or Al Turtle and start taking some responsibility for your lives, and your relationships rather than blaming others.

[Silverbirch]

To state the obvious, I think that if a person chooses to be in a "relationship" with a CP, they should do so with their eyes wide open. It can't and likely can never be a conventional relationship. There can be few, if any, expectations of that person, and I would think that one would need to have slain any one's own inner demons of insecurity and neediness from another.

[trixi]

Actually, most of the biggest commitmentphobes I dated were the ones who did exactly that in the beginning of the relationship...then when they realized I was human, not some "perfect, angelic being" (bleah) like they thought I was, they also backed off at pretty much the same speed. It always made my head spin.

 

Going from 0-60 in the very beginning requires no commitment whatsoever; it's selfishly and unwisely acting on the infatuation phase. Generally, I've found these people bail when real feelings/personalities surface, because they just don't want to deal with reality. They're looking for some fairy tale princess to project their fantasies onto, so they go through the first three months over and over with a succession of women, never realizing that the problem isn't them...it's him.

 

I think you hit the nail on the head with this one

[Sim54]

I think you hit the nail on the head with this one

 

This applies as much to women as it does to men. Either a Goddess construct or a Prince construct, a belief that someone will come and make their empty lives whole. When they discover that they still have a gaping hole in their lives, they blame their partner and move on to the next.

[Silverbirch]

Just thought I'd pop in and say that I'm still with my "commitmentphobe" (he self-confessed about that quite early in the relationship). I thought it was interesting that in conversation, we were talking about television shows like "Everybody Loves Raymond". It was me who said how awful shows like that make marriage look. I hardly watch televison and only recently acquired one. He was laughing and saying how he hates all of that too, and then seemed very serious saying: "Our relationship isn't like that."

 

From what he has said to me, with him at least, his fears are about the stereotyped ideas of marriage and how it should be. A big turn-off for him (and me) is the type of in-laws you can acquire and the expectation that in-laws should play such a big role in your life (LOL, like in "Everybody Loves Raymond"). I know that "Everybody Loves Raymond" is just a sitcom meant to be comedy, but to me it's a sort of exaggeration (mostly) of what marriage and having childfren is about, and it makes me feel like "who in their right mind would want to be married and have children."

 

I do think some of the things stated about commitmentphobes would ring true in the relationship I am in. He does need a fair amount of space. He does like me to be independent and have my own friends who I can go out with. Part of the reason for that though is that he doesn't like going out. Contrary to the original post, my "commitmentphobe" is the most homebodied man I have ever known, although his place does look a lot like a bachelor pad in many ways, but in other ways, looks like he has been there forever and he says, and I agree, he would have SO much work to move. He's asked me if I would like to move in with him. We had looked for another place to move in together, but neither of us has seen anything affordable which would suit us both, and he has been offered a 3 year least. I have declined o move in for the present time, and stated several reasons to him for this.

 

I still don't feel like I should be married, but what I do find the most difficult aspect of being with this commitmentphobe is the difficulty he has in planning anything. He has told me that is due to the commitmentphobia, that he does have some degree of it with his work, but that the reason he has his particular job is that it allows him flexibility so he can move things around to suit himself. He's actually very reliable with his work, but I can tell it's important for him not to feel "trapped" in his job too.

 

The man in my life did experience a genuine trauma in his life whereby he was abandoned by a parent who disappeared from his life for several years without contacting him, and he has told me how badly this hurt him and affected him. That parent has been back in his life for many years, and makes a lot of attempts to contact and spend time with him,but it's obvious that all the children in that family had their security and trust affected deeply. I'm not sure if that has anything to do with the commitmentphobia. Maybe in part, but it wouldn't be all there is to it.

 

Anyway, if I get any major insights about commitmentphobia, I'll post here.

 

I will say however that if marriage is very important for a person, best not to stay with a commitmentphobe.

[Silverbirch]

Well, I'm coming to the conclusion that not all commitmentphobes are the same. Some people choose not to commit because they like being on their own - it's part of their make-up of who they are. They tend to be very self-reliant and the thought of someone taking up too much space in their lives, or worse still, directing the course of their lives is just something they don't want. They tend to be happy as they are. In an extreme form, some of these people can have what is known as schizoid personality disorder. The name sounds a bit creepy, but I don't think it's as bad as it sounds although they do tend to have a different emotional make-up to most people. They can come accross as quite cold. Some people with it, may have combinations of other psychological labels such as Asperger's syndrome.

 

Then there are other people who can't commit because they fear being hurt and abandoned. Some of these people can be labelled by professionals as having avoidant personality dissorder. A lot of people who have this, don't actually enjoy being the way they are. Sometimes, with professional help, if they want it and want to change, AND THEY MEET THE RIGHT PERSON, they can change.

 

From what I can make out, there have been people who have either been labelled or thought of themselves in either of these groups who, after a period of time considered that they got themselves figured out wrong.

 

Then again, there are people who simply have traits of either group, but don't fit the criteria of personality dissorder labelling.

 

I think the main thing is whether or not the so called commitmentphobe is happy with their life choice and whether or not they want to do anything about it.

 

I definitely would reiterate that if marriage, children and traditional views on commitment are very important to a person, then being with a commitmentphobe is not a wise choice in partner.

[nutbrownhare]

They tend to be very self-reliant and the thought of someone taking up too much space in their lives, or worse still, directing the course of their lives is just something they don't want. They tend to be happy as they are. In an extreme form, some of these people can have what is known as schizoid personality disorder.

A healthy person would not want someone else directing the course of his/her life. Healthy committed relationships are about each person having their own autonomy yet being close and committed. If you feel free in a relationship to be the person you really are, there is more scope for genuine intimacy. People on the schizoid spectrum have varying degrees of difficulty with intimacy of any kind, and not all schizoid people are actually capable of looking after themselves without help - depending on the severity of the condition.

[Silverbirch]

A healthy person would not want someone else directing the course of his/her life. Healthy committed relationships are about each person having their own autonomy yet being close and committed. If you feel free in a relationship to be the person you really are, there is more scope for genuine intimacy. People on the schizoid spectrum have varying degrees of difficulty with intimacy of any kind, and not all schizoid people are actually capable of looking after themselves without help - depending on the severity of the condition.

 

Yes, for most of us, that is obvious. It's not how real life often works. For most people, having children will steer the course of one's life for many years - unless the children are adopted out at birth. The marriage vows usually say, "For better or for worse", but for most commitmentphobes, my understanding is that the possibility of "For worse" is very scarey. In most real marriages or commited relationships which last a long time, there is a good chance that one or both people will at some time, through illness or life circumstances lose some of their autonomy, even if only temporarily. All of us at some point in our lives have to deal with not having full control of everything. My understanding is that is even more difficult for a person with avoidant personality disorder, not sure about schizoid, but something obviously more difficult for some than others. From what I can make out, often people with schizoid personality disorder (high-functioning) can do very well with relationship where their involvement with others comes about through shared interests such as sporting groups.

 

Yes, I understand that not all people with schizoid personality dissorder are able to be self-reliant, but I was referring to it in the context of high-functioning type people who have at some point become involved with others. I don't think the words healthy were actually used, but then again, we are all different. My understanding is that many people with schizoid personality dissorder do have a lot to offer in relationships due to their ability to remain detached from some circumstances and to be able to view some situations more objectively and logically.

 

Whilst she doesn''t have schizoid personality disorder, Temple Grandin, the American scientist, who actually has Asperger's syndrome, in my book, is a person I like very much. Whilst she couldn't experience empathy in the way most people do, her contribution to animal welfare has been enormous. There is nobody in the world quite like her that I know of and she is admired and liked by many people. She does experience empathy - it just didn't happen in the same way it does for most of us.

 

I wondered also about love - don't most of us, if not all of us, experience love in our own subjective way. We love differently, we think differently, it's whether the way we love is compatible and satisfying for the other. I've written this in haste, I'm on my way out so sure there are likely a lot of flaws or disagreement with what I say. I do think that for many people with these "disorders" that relationships are possible - with people who are matched well to them - and who don't have the usual expectations.

[Silverbirch]

Sorry if I'm seeming pesty, but this gets me wondering about so many things. Is real love about knowing the real person, how they really think and feel, and being able to accept and love them just as they are. To be happy in relationships, do we need to find someone who thinks and feels and has a whole heap of other things which are a mirror of ourselves for us to be "compatible" and to experience "genuine intimacy" whatever they may be. For me, mutual respect probably is a lot more important than whatever this "genuine intimacy" thing is.

[kuteknish]

do ya'll think that commitment phobes are more likely to partake in LD relationships, partly because this allows them to have a ton of space, and see their partner when they feel like it... so it's commitment, but not necessarily full commitment, as the person lives far, and they don't have to deal with the everyday stuff that may come with a relationship that is closer in proximity...

[Silverbirch]

do ya'll think that commitment phobes are more likely to partake in LD relationships, partly because this allows them to have a ton of space, and see their partner when they feel like it... so it's commitment, but not necessarily full commitment, as the person lives far, and they don't have to deal with the everyday stuff that may come with a relationship that is closer in proximity...

 

Yes, I think that for some LDR would allow the space for them to feel more comfortable, but maybe not all. It depends on how much closeness the person can handle. The person I am currently with by his own account can handle a lot more closeness than he used to. He says he feels very safe and trusts me, and that he has gotten used to having me around, that he sees more of me than anyone else in his life including best friend. We live around 40 minute drive away from each other which wouldn't make it LDR, but I think in a way, that has been a plus. I have actually noticed heaps of posts on the boards here from people who moved from their towns and cities to live with partners they had been in LDR, and in a lot of cases, it didn't work. For some of those people, it would have been due to the change in closeness and commitment.

 

BTW, the commitmentphobic person I am with has asked me to move in with him. I have declined at least for the present time. He has suggested and encouraged me to build a vegetable garden at his home because he knows I love gardening. I think the idea of being there pottering about while he potters about doing his things - engineering and animal things - appeals a lot to him. I think that's about doing your own thing but knowing that in the background that other person is there - alongside each other while giving each other space too. I would say the person I am with might be considered by some to have traits of either avoidant/schizoid but not the full thing (I think). He values independence in both himself and other partners, and he claims that in a past relationship, the other woman expected him to provide entertainment for him and became clingy. For most people, that would be difficult. For a commitmentphobe, they would just have to get away from them, as fast as possible. Other people who value and need a lot more closeness than him might see his interpretation of that woman as totally exagerated and that she was being quite reasonable. I haven't met her so I don't know, but I would say she needs other people a lot more than he does. Just my experience and thoughts anyway.

[sallysue2]

9. If he doesn’t want to change his behaviours he has to be honest and upfront to women when he first meets them. He must tell them he does not want a committed relationship - that he is only interested in a casual liaison with space and freedom, and not to expect any more. Then it is up to the woman to decide whether she wishes to spend time with him on those terms.

 

I am dating a guy who has almost all the signs of a commitment phobe described in the original post. He recently broke up with his girlfriend of 2 years, which was his longest relationship ever... and he is in his mid-30s. He has a history of several relationships of 1 year or less...

 

We started seeing each other almost immediately after his break-up.. We were already in the same social circles, and I think we both always had a bit of a crush on each other, so it was easy for him to ask me out right away.. anyway, we saw each other almost every day, had tons of fun together. Well, then after about a month, I didn't hear from him for a couple of days. Finally, I called him to see what was up, he seemed happy to hear from me and he invited me out for a drink. During this drink he he has to be honest that and tell me that he doesn't want a relationship right now.. he needs his freedom, blah blah. However.. he loves being around me and would like to continue a casual relationship, as long as I can handle it and won't bet hurt. Basically, he was telling me I shouldn't have any long-term expectations.

 

I thought that this was a very preemptive move... I mean, isn't it presumptuous for him to assume that I want a relationship?! We are still getting to know each other! Well, anyway, I told basically told him that I don't need or expect anything exclusive with him any time soon, let's just see where things go... he said OK, and things are great again right now. He calls me every day and we see each other a lot... but... is he just going to flip out and run away at some point?! I am feeling a bit anxious about it... I keep thinking maybe I should just run away first... but it's hard to do when you really like someone!!

 

You mentioned this as one of your points:

"7. Actions speak louder than words. Believe what he does, not what he says."

 

Well.. he SAYS he doesn't want a relationship.. but he ACTS like he's in love with me. What the heck?