Signs of a commitment phobe.

[JT4266]

Based on quite a few of the criteria here I would classify as a commitment phobe and I can certainly recognize that in myself to a certain extent. I've been dating someone for about 4 months and it recently turned serious. I find myself questioning whether this is the right person and knowing that I don't want to hurt her.

 

At the same time I like to be independent and spend time by myself and I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

[fawndango]

I have a lot of these signs, maybe i am a commitment phobe. wow!

[mark501]

I am about two months out of a 9 month relationship with a female who has a history of short term relationships. It was great for 7 mnths then she started having "panic attacks", these at a time things were going really well. She would stay awake all night and was hot a her heart was pounding.

 

I joked at the time that "ooh, you're getting scared of commitment"...but it was around this time she seemed to start to withdraw. I know before we went on a holiday I was unhappy with her and whilst away I found it difficult to connect with her. I told her I felt she was going to "ditch me" when I got back.

 

She moaned about my appearance, looked at me with real judgement in her eyes and went on about my weight. I'm just stocky really, they were uneccesary and cruel.

 

I now realise this is the devaluing before the discarding that they do before they get rid of you.

 

When I got back Ifinished the relationship as I felt she was no longer interested in "me" or "us". We arranged to meet afterwards and I strted to really open up abut the way I felt. This just pushed her further away (as I now realise it does with CP's) and she owed me a sum of money which I ended up writing off as she wanted to delay paying and then accused me of "bullying and manipulating her"...all because I asked if she could give me a post dated cheque, OR give me a direct debit starting in the new year. I was actually trying to be kind in giving her time.

 

In the end I wrote the money off as her reaction was really upsetting - I was amazed at how it made me feel.

 

She went straight back on to dating sites saying she "think she deserves better" than I was giving her.

 

All very upsetting from a girl who was so loving and attentive for such a long time.

 

A friend of hers told me she has seen her discard boyfriends before, such as a plumber & a builder, once they've done their work, they were told "its over".

 

She went to see a friend who was a trainee life coach (a friend) to try and get to the bottom of her panic attacks. Of course, she has decided its because she wasnt happy about the relationship. No looking at the commitment problem.

 

She was impossible to try and reason with, made up every excuse under the sun, never admits she's wrong and doesn't take respnsibility for her actions. It's very distressing and I'm just lucky she didnt get pregnant. Plus the "bad" period was relatively short but its the total change than hurts.

 

I wrote a "goodbye note" wishing her luck and saying she had been a great girlfriend etc etc. I agree with her decision ...and hope she meets smene who makess her happy. I didn't really mean it but, heck, a bit of humility never hurts

 

 

She wrote back saying she is glad I am now in a position to "listen to another point of view"...and that she wants to reistate contact and genuinely wants to be friends.

 

I havent replied because they dont want you as a friend - she had NO interest in my hobbies or life whereas I joined in all of hers - they just want attention, its called "supply" to the CP.

 

Its a month ago now and whilst I'm getting through it better I am still angry at times, the most frustrating thing being they don't really give a damn how their behaviour affects people.

 

 

There is a difference between someone who is not sure about marriageand can be in a long term relationship, and a CP, who will devalue and discard you when it suits. Not pleasant.!

[needtoknowbase]

Can a past bast relationship cause commitment in men? How then can you distinguish between a serious person with commitment phobia to personality disorder related commitment phobia? I have a friend who has been with a guy for over two years.The difference is that he told her from the onset that he wanted a long term relationship with her but he does not want to rush things.but there is a difference between not wanting to rush things than not making enough time for her,when she complains he argues that she lives too far from her and asks her to move closer.He never rushed her into sex,but was intimate by kissing her,however, he runs every time they became sexually intimate,he may be gone for between a week to a month before calling then he will refuse to see her for a long time.He says he loves her and has admitted making mistakes with women in the past because he runs from feelings.He always want to know if she is seeing someone else,and will call continuously when he doesn't reach my friend,he even seems scared if she doesn't pick up.Do you think he genuinely loves her but is scared of being hurt or is this just a game to him?

[needtoknowbase]

what commitment phobia's don't realize is everything we do to other people will in the long run come back to hurt us more.Nobody want to be used, Nobody deserves to be taken care of. I have a philosophy if you are not looking for a longterm relationship let the people you meet know, for there are people just like you,who wants the same things you look for that is short term ,casual, friendship with benefits and all; it is just too wicked and very wow just to lie to people in order to have your way. These people will one day need someone and there will be no one there for them,they will eventually know how it feels to be hurt....hang in there!

[needtoknowbase]

I understand your point .I can agree and disagree to some of your post that is,I will agree to the fact that anyone who expects any form of commitment in a month have some kind of issues. I understand people meet fall in love within a month it is not impossible but both parties have to be at the same level.However, I don't agree to any one sided relationship secured based on lies. Yet we find some men and women behaving this way,be upfront with the people you date, give the person the chance to choose.Some people just like to take advantage of others while some like you discussed may want a commitment but are genuinely afraid.I think anyone with such problems should first seek help prior to venturing into dating just to alleviate hurting people unintentionally

[nutbrownhare]

They're looking for some fairy tale princess to project their fantasies onto, so they go through the first three months over and over with a succession of women, never realizing that the problem isn't them...it's him.

Within my experience, it takes about three months to start to get a handle on the person you're dating, and start to connect with reality. Sadly, the vast majority of people aren't going to be the one you're going to spend the rest of your life with and I wouldn't say that realising that a relationship isn't going to work and then moving on - is commitment phobia!

[juice55]

Im a female and a major commitment phobic. It sucks We are not really bad people, nor do we intend on hurting others, it just happens. We love being loved and loving in return, but the thought of committing to someone is so damn unappealing. I get into relationships thinking I can commit and that I want to commit but once things get serious I run for the hills. I cant imagine the thought of living with one person for the rest of my life.

[kuteknish]

Im a female and a major commitment phobic. It sucks We are not really bad people, nor do we intend on hurting others, it just happens. We love being loved and loving in return, but the thought of committing to someone is so damn unappealing. I get into relationships thinking I can commit and that I want to commit but once things get serious I run for the hills. I cant imagine the thought of living with one person for the rest of my life.

 

Hi Juice - welcome to the forum.. how old are you if you don't mind me asking.. When did you realize you were a commitment phobe and where do you think this fear came from?

[tygerwolf]

Oh geez, im with a commitment-phobe and I know it. Not only that but a long distance relationship with a commitment-phobe...

 

We went to high school together and a couple of years later he contacted me and came on very strong. (He had just gotten out of a bad 3 year relationship. She cheated on him.) So I took it slow, knowing this. Regardless, he enchanted me with his words after a couple of months. He even wrote me a very beautiful poem. Started talking about seeing a future with me very early on. He wanted to know EVERYTHING about me and wanted to talk all the time. Problem is, all of this was going on long distance and over the phone. Suddenly he tells me hes not sure what hes doing with his life and things slowed down. We still talk but much less. Likes a couple times a week, mostly over text. Weve been talking/seeing each other 5 months now.

 

Anyways I didn't heed this warning and when he was in town he and I got together several times. (We had sex several times. I have to admit, sex with him is amazing...lol) Anyways when we are together he cant stop talking about how much he likes me and how compatible we are BUT he warned me that he doesn't want a relationship with anyone. Says relationships are fake and what we have is a good thing. Why ruin it? But at the same time he said at one point that he sees "amazing possibilities in our future"?

 

So anyways its still long distance. Every 3 months or so I will see him. But its getting difficult staying with this long distance "non"-relationship. How should I handle this? I really like him and I still enjoy talking to him and seeing him when hes in town. But at the same time im open to dating other people... Part of me thinks he and I could have a future "something" but im not really content to wait around and wait for him to change his mind about relationships after his bad breakup all those months ago...

 

What to do??

[kuteknish]

If he's a "commitment phobe".. where could it really go?

[kolaida]

what commitment phobia's don't realize is everything we do to other people will in the long run come back to hurt us more.Nobody want to be used, Nobody deserves to be taken care of. I have a philosophy if you are not looking for a longterm relationship let the people you meet know, for there are people just like you,who wants the same things you look for that is short term ,casual, friendship with benefits and all; it is just too wicked and very wow just to lie to people in order to have your way. These people will one day need someone and there will be no one there for them,they will eventually know how it feels to be hurt....hang in there!

 

I wish commitment phobes did have a warning or would at least be upfront about it. Everything in this article pretty much describes what I was put through. I worked with this guy; I did not like him at first, but he kept being super nice to me and would invite me to hang out with his friends and would find me at the bar and talk to me. He invited me over one time and I told him that I really, really liked him more than once. I was honest. He seemed to return the feelings we made out and screwed around a bit. Then later, he invited me over again. I was naive; I'd never had sex or ever had a guy I liked actually express so much interest in me. He wasn't even that attractive, the first two weeks I hardly noticed him. He kept coming over, but he stopped inviting me out with his friends, he stopped talking to me at the bar, he would talk to me at work and at night, but that was it. He would come and go for about three months; excluding me from activities but texting me at two or three am asking to come over two or three nights a week. I kept thinking that it would eventually go somewhere, but it never did. And, the last time I talked to him I was essentially told I should have known "like the other girls." We were seasonal employees and apparently it's okay to knowingly lead someone on like that. He'd even said he'd only been in two relationships, one with me. How one could ever consider that a relationship is beyond me. And then on the phone, our last conversation, he was very blunt in that he wasn't looking for a long-term relationship, but just to "have fun." I definitely felt like a mistress, I felt so used and he pretty much straight out told me he had been using me, but tried to imply I had been using him. It's not like I got a dime out of him, never a dinner or drink or any kind of gift, I paid for all the birth control, and even washed his clothes when he forgot them over. I had him over because I liked and cared for him.

 

If he just was just "not that into me" why didn't he just break it off towards the beginning, why lead someone one for so long and take advantage of them two or three nights a week. Any time I tried to call him on it or express my annoyance, he would suddenly get super affectionate. He was very affectionate and that was very confusing. It's downright cruel, not just "not being into someone." There were plenty of other girls he could have screwed around with, like to needtoknowbase has pointed out. There are others like that. At the very least, after I had made it so clear I liked him and/or after I'd told him I was still a virgin, he could have told me he was not interested in any kind of relationship. What really sucks is I didn't expect much, but I sure didn't expect to be suddenly excluded from all activities with him. That's what really hurt. What a let-down. Sex turned into the biggest disappointment of my life. It was not worth waiting for. And now I know, guys treat girls they have intercourse with like dirt. At least that seems to be my experience.

[chitown9]

I worked with this guy; I did not like him at first.

 

The book, "Men Who Can't Love" by Steven Carter discusses this aspect of the woman not being really that attracted to the commitment phobe, but they get drawn in by other factors, such as being charming....chi

[kolaida]

Thank you, chi, I am looking into that now and will get it since I now know I have definitely been suckered, but won't let it happen again. It's just so irritating that his timing was so good- I'd been down and depressed and just like that. There goes 26 years of waiting for the "right person" and I wind up with someone who made me feel completely worthless, which I believe was unintentional but it doesn't make it hurt any less.

 

I know a lot of prior posts said the criteria could fit anyone, but I think they mean for most of the criteria to fit one person. This guy fit all but like five of the points and, even then, he might fit all of the points. He even moves every 4-6 months, sometimes returning to places and sometimes not (something I was not aware of until after we were involved). Thank you again, I will definitely be reading it.

[pl3asehelp]

OP - sounds like you just repeatedly fall for the same tricks. Men are not charming or romantic because they care about you - they display those behaviors to further their own agenda. Nothing is easier than buying a girl flowers, chocolates, or filling her car with 1000 roses. That's not about the girl - it's about manipulating the girls view of the guy so she thinks he's the fairybook hero she's been waiting for. What's hard is living with that girl when her dirty clothes lie in piles on your floor, and her dishes are stacked up in your sink, and you overlook these things because you love her. That is love. HOWEVER - what does a girl usually respond to? Well it's those superficial 'romantic' actions. Charming is really just manipulation - so you can swoon over this or recognize it for what it is. You really need to look deeper at people.

[Sonisya]

Hey Guys!

 

Ill try and make this as short as possible....

 

I just got out of a 3 and a half yr relationship. The guy that I was with was great we used to work together, very happy positive and caring person. Just over a year ago we decided to call it quits mainly because he wasn't compromising and I was, we were agreeing to disagree and we were going no where also because his extremely stubborn! During the time apart he was being all cold and bitter it was like he turned into someone else completely so I distanced myself. After about a month a half we decided to get back together tells me that he felt alone without me, I don't need to compromise anymore that he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I thought brilliant this is the guy that I see myself with also.

 

Then a couple of months ago he proposed we started talking about wedding arrangements, then all of a sudden about a month ago or just under he started acting distant towards me, not affectionate, didn't appreciate me. Once again turned into someone who I thought I knew but i didn't. I mentioned it to him that he was being distant and asked him what was wrong but he couldn't really explain it, and just said I dont deserve someone who won't give 100% and that he still loves me and doesnt want to see me get hurt. That where more like best friends rather then a couple. I suggested we go relationship counselling but he said theres no point his already made his mind up and doesn't want to try. I told him that if he wants to be with someone you make it work & I felt like he didn't try at all, even though he claims he did and that he can't handle the stress anymore. He barely said anything before this we never fought as a couple I told him he should of said something from the start instead of letting it build up. We also have religion differences but we could get past it. Pretty much been 2 weeks since we broke up and anytime I ask him why did he even propose to me why did he say all of these things to me for? He doesnt give me a clear answer just says I dont want to go through it again and Ive already explained it to u. I've accepted that its not going to work which I've told him and that I just want closure but yet he still doesn't give me a clear answer. I asked him if there was someone else and he says there wasnt plus I would know we spent pretty much every min together and Ive been cheated on in the past so I would have a rough idea if there were someone else. Its almost like he doesn't even know why his acting the way he is so how am I meant to get an answer. He tells me I can contact him if need be but whenever I do he shuts me down and makes me feel horrible so now I'm not contacting him at all.

 

I feel sorry for the guy cause he has a lot of good qualities and has a good heart but at the same time makes me so frustrated. I respect him for telling me this now rather then later on down the track say we got married and had kids, but at the same time i resent him for making me go through all of this with him, I poured my heart out to him

 

I've pretty much concluded that he has CP based on what I've read about it. My head is all over the place

[Stay_home]

Most commitment-phobes are very distant in their relationships or getting close to people. If you're always attentive to what's going on they're usually not very difficult to spot.

[Sonisya]

So chances are he does have a CP?

[toby17]

I know commitmentphobia exists because I am commitmentphobic.

 

Could I consider a relationship with someone I really like? Quite probably, but I would likely continue to display commitmentphobic traits in the relationship, such as, ending things at the first sign of trouble, withdrawing harder and faster when he does, sending out subtle signals I don't really care about him or the relationship...etc

 

Mad rabbits, what do you think would really stop you doing these things/has stopped you in the past?

 

What's it like? Do you worry less about losing the OP, than being trapped/finding the imaginary one?

[Sim54]

We are all responsible for our own behaviour and our own feelings. It doesn't matter how tempting to blame someone else for the way we feel, but even when someone does things that we find hurtful, they are NOT 'making' you feel. You are the one doing the feeling in response to them.

 

Blaming others for OUR relationships is simply victim talk. And who wants to be a victim? Well, in fact, a lot of people take comfort in being a victim. That way they don't have to take responsibility for themselves. Oddly, they are often the people who dive into inappropriate relationships with unavailable people, then they over function, invade, control, smother, mother/father, boss around, and emotionally bully their partners (if you loved me, you'd ....) and generally act co dependant. Then, when they get left again, they say they never did anything wrong, and that they are loving and faithful (they are, they are just totally inappropriate as well) and they blame there ex for being commitment phobic/narcissistic/etc...

 

It's YOUR life you're messing up, and you are responsible for your half of the relationship.

 

Quit blaming others, acting like a doormat, and whining like a baby about all the nasty people out there. Instead, grow a back bone, and NEVER let some one take advantage of you again. And whilst you're at it, stop using other people as scratching posts for your unmet needs, loneliness, and emotional yearnings, and DEAL with your fear of being alone.

 

In a nutshell, for every so called commitment phone, there is usually a needy, spineless immature baby looking for someone to take care of them and willing to manipulate them into doing it.

[BlackGoaty]

My story is this girl I have been dating for almost a year but no official title yet because she have an inner checklist and every time I talked about bringing the relationship forward to another stage (that is official) she would say that according to her checklist I am not the one for her. And she would also add that there is no one for her because none can fulfil her checklist. But we still continue to behave like couples do and all that. She would blow hot and cold and this is driving me nuts.

 

She even said that If I decide to stay away from her because of her non commitment, she would totally understand.

[Autumnleaves]

Gee whizz my ex scores on a lot of those points. Sooo glad I walked

[Sim54]

So, there you have it. You should absolutely walk away from her. You can either do it now, and go through the pain now, or you can wait until she leaves you, and go through it doubly then.

This isn't going to go anyway.

[tnmom66]

Sounds like a pretty textbook case to me. I highly recommend moving on to another good guy who actually can give you what you want. Have you read "Men who Can't love" by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol????? It is probably at your local library or bookstore, or you can get it online cheap.

 

I had a baby with a commitment phobe and it is agonizing. He, too, has tons of good qualities and when we have been close, it was fantastic. But here I am, 45 years old with a 3 year old child and all the decent men (men who are looking for a wife, not just a sex partner) I have found have raised their kids and don't want to be stepfather of 2 teenagers and a 3 year old. And my little one's father even tried to get back into a relationship with me (he dumped me when I was half way through my pregnancy after I pressed him for a commitment...I wanted to know he was going to be there for me and my child), but I could see the fear in his eyes any time I asked him to spend time alone with me so we could build some emotional intimacy, or when I asked him to even kiss me. I really feel sorry for him. But I am more sorry for myself for being trapped like this.

 

How old is he? IF his loneliness/conflicting desires are big enough of a problem for him to want to get help, there may be some things he can try. Definitely, if he makes another "curtain call", insist that he gets some help for his issue before you get involved at all in any way that relieves his loneliness. Maybe the loneliness will motivate him. You definitely have something to offer that he wants, he just lets anxiety overtake him. Regular therapy for this issue would be very expensive, but if he wants to try something, I saw a program on "change thats now dot com" that came up on youtube as I searched "commitmenthphobia" There was also a video of an 80 year old commitment phobic man, which might well be what your boyfriend ends up as if he doesn't get help now. If he does get help that WORKS, please send me a private message to let me know. You might also ask questions directly to Steven Carter who is on "powersurge ask an expert"--you can google it.

 

I even asked my child's father to marry me, but be legally separated and keep separate households, so as to keep plenty of physical distance, but he wouldn't even go for that. Steven Carter's book talks about a couple of marriages that seemed to work well...there was little "together time" for the couples. MOST of the stories about commitment phobes in marriage are horrible. Men mistreating their wives to keep emotional distance, men cheating, men staying away from home all the time.

 

Commitment phobes are happiest in relationships with other commitment phobes.

 

Please look for someone else if this guy can't/won't seek help and you are right that he bailed now rather than after you were married and with kids.

[wilyone 11]

I was involved with a commitment phobe. I wasn't even looking for a commitment or pressuring him for one at all. I was very independent and kept distance myself to protect myself. Most of these people are phobic about relationships in general, particularly getting close to someone.

 

It's a true phobia. The symptoms these people describe when they are too close to someone are identical to the symptoms described by claustrophobics.

 

Supposedly CP is often caused by trauma in childhood involving loss or rejection. His dad had abandoned the family when he was six months old and his step-father was abusive. He has never had a good relationship.

 

From what I've read, there is no cure, but I'd be curious to hear if anyone has witnessed a successful treatment. I really loved that man but there is no way he could ever give me the emotional security I needed. The relationship actually improved when I stopped taking his hurtful actions (like cancelling dates, disappearing for weeks and months at a time) personally and just realized that he was very sick inside. It had nothing to do with me.