Nonchalance is Your Friend

[Mills]

i didnt put it up because of him.. i truly believe that quote... i dont need a man to be happy - its about being happy with myself.. but you're right im sure he THINKS it is up because of him... i took it down... after tonight he just seems like he really does not care if im in his life at all or not so im going MIA for a good amount of time...

 

either way i took it down, you're right it is showing what he does still affects me..

 

life was so much easier before facebook and texting!! lol

[Mills]

looking back.. there have been multiple guys in my life - who at one point have turned me down, and months sometimes years later come back and ask for another chance or a date... and by that time i don't give them the time of day bc to me they had their chance. that's what i need to do with my current ex is just compeltely let him go and not speak to him unless he goes out of his way to contact me. i just need to get the strength to do it and give him the space he wants plus much more.

[CrapAtNC]

Good for you, Mills. Give just a little less in future, and you'll keep them. Well, him, not them!

[Mills]

yes thank you for your advice.. my best friend tonight said "you need to just cut him off and he will come running back to you in time" ... she's right, i think.. we've been broken up for 3 months and it's been pretty much me putting forth all the effort. i would like to get back together one day, not anytime soon, but it seems like all hope is lost, that we never will since its been a significant amount of time for the break up and he always says i dont want a relationship with you.... i just feel like i haven't been "nonchalant" soon enough.. am i wrong? is it ever completely lost?

 

either way, im tired of it, and im tired of the stress and drama..

[CrapAtNC]

Never too late. ;-)

[RandomNobody]

Just a quickie, since I'm in a hurry.

 

We fell into a comfortable chatting dynamic again. She was quite happy yesterday night, and before she went to bed, she said she loved me.

 

I'm trying to make her comfortable and secure around me while not trying to jump into her arms. You know what I mean, just being upbeat and happy. It's what got me as far as I went when she called me crying, I'll keep at it.

[CrapAtNC]

But not too long. You must make it clear what you want, otherwise you'll be friendzoned. The trick is to want but not need, and to let her see that. You must also work to increase her attraction to you.

[askltk]

But not too long. You must make it clear what you want, otherwise you'll be friendzoned. The trick is to want but not need, and to let her see that. You must also work to increase her attraction to you.

 

Crap - out of curiosity (and excuse my ignorance!), but how would you nonchalantly "make it clear what you want" - without the making the first move / reaching out etc? She's been getting on great (as per usual - although slightly more open to flirting etc), and with Xmas coming up im interested in increasing the attraction. Im off work (office closure over holidays), so there is more likelyhood that she'll over to meet up.

[CrapAtNC]

If all your interactions are 'friendly', then that's where you'll be headed, to the friend zone. Just as if you wanted to let someone new know that you're interested in being closer than friends, so must you do with your ex. Depending on the circumstances, it's fine to make the first move, to reach out, etc.; it just has to be done in a way that says "I have no expectations and will be happy regardless." You can get warmer as you get closer, of course, but avoid being needy, which is the biggest cause of break-ups from what I read on these boards.

 

With my ex, when I thought I was showing her how much I loved and valued her, she perceived it as me being happy just to be a friend, which she thought would be fine, considering she was considering greener grass. But I noticed that she still found my flirtations desirable, and most of the time didn't pull back if I touched her intimately. Treat it as a whole new relationship. Respect her, of course, but you have to be honest about your intentions.

[Mills]

its hard finding the fine line though - between friends and wanting more.... how do you not fall into the friend zone but not give them too much attention and give yourself too much to them... i told my ex "i dont want a relationship with you either, i still have feelings for you but dont want one right now. i understand that we are just friends." is that putting myself into the friends zone? i guess it doesnt really matter as im disappearing from him for a while but i just wondered...

[askltk]

Thanks Crap

 

Im all to eager to avoid the allusive "friendzone". I am trying to treat it as a new relationship, and respond accordingly (not trying to copy how we first got together - as she was very "in" to me at the time was forthcoming with attention, so I didn't have to try particularly hard). I've made comments, flirted physically (innocent touches etc) - and she's respond. She just seems to guarded, like opening up again would somehow make her wrong for breaking up in the first place.

 

I agree its all about circumstance and situation. I genuinely will be happy in myself for trying to make the first move - and if it doesnt come off, then I havent lost anything I supppose! Needy was my no1 problem (you've seen my thread), and I feel ive confronted my demons in that regard. I do wonder how I'd feel if i reached out and got rejected.. just have to brush it off!

 

Xmas coming up may be a good opportunity to test those waters - she's been quite interested in meeting up, and her (and her family oddly) have bought me gifts.

 

With Mills tho - its tricky defining that line between "just" friends and the desire for more.

[KateUK]

Hello everyone!!! Hope everyone is doing well and looking forward to Christmas.. Back for a quick update and to please ask for a bit of advice... please?

 

OK. My situation now, is that my ex is very much a friend. He babysits when I go on dates, he rings to see how I am, offers help and support and is being quite sweet. I know now that what we had was never going to be enough for me but I am glad that we are where we are even though I sometimes get really down that the situation had to happen in the first place. He told me he missed me today and often sends me texts saying how much I mean the world to him. And he means a lot to me too but is in a different place really. And I accept that.

 

But anyway, it isn't about him any more. It's about me. And my nonchalance crown is slipping again... and I could do with some helping hands to prop it back on...!!

 

I have been dating very nonchalantly and a bit cautiously - I rushed into my two long term relationships and let insecurity dictate that pace, didn't want to make that mistake again. I have met some great people and some are now good friends. One of them, however, felt different. And my feelings have totally freaked me out. We have a weird connection and have had some very deep conversations and spoke of love and stuff. It's kinda spiritual. I don't WANT to be liking someone this much at this stage, so I am rebelling against my feelings and messing up my own head. Anyway, I have decided to go with the flow, see him when I can and see what happens.

 

The real problem is that, since the last time I saw him (only last Thursday), he hasn't texted as much or rang. Rational Kate says this is due to a combination of a) him being busy before christmas - as am I, b) the fact he has been ill and c) the fact that we both had phone bills in the region of £200 last month from several 6 hour conversations and hundreds of texts. Oh and d) maybe he is a bit freaked out too?? But the Old Irrational Kate has resurfaced, and SHE says it is because I must have acted like a total tool last time we met and he has decided he doesn't like me any more. I have started doubting things he has said, analysing texts and over thinking fb things - I need to chill the heck out. I know I do. At the end of the day, if Insecure Kate is right, then I don't want to be with him anyway. He can take me as I am or not at all. I don't need anyone, and I am enjoying my friends and family right now but I just want to enjoy the positivity that he brings into my life without wrecking it with some irrational fear and distrust. I need to get myself back on the pedestal again - I was always quite cool with him in texts but have recently opened myself up a bit. I am thinking I need to back off and let him chase me again. Didn't know if anyone had any advice I can take with me to keep me strong? Terrified of messing this up. Totally not nonchalant at all at the minute!!!!!

 

Sorry about the rant... but if anyone can kick me into touch, you guys can x x x

[kuteknish]

Well folks.. I was nonchalant when I ran into my ex today... we chatted for quite a while and there was a little flirtation this time... he had to go back to the office, but I said casually "sounds like you could use a drink... maybe grab one next week after the holiday?" .. without a fight, he said YES

 

I wouldn't say my approach was nonchalant, but my attitude was... if he would have said no, I would have made a joke about it and laughed...

[Mills]

i just saw my ex basically talking crap about me on someone's status.. the status is a song lyrics that says "i got 99 problems and they all b****s." and he commented "i got 99 problems and they all one b ****". wow i REALLY want to call him out on that... normally i would but im going to try to pretend he doesn't exist.. ughh so hard though.

[askltk]

i just saw my ex basically talking crap about me on someone's status.. the status is a song lyrics that says "i got 99 problems and they all b****s." and he commented "i got 99 problems and they all one b ****". wow i REALLY want to call him out on that... normally i would but im going to try to pretend he doesn't exist.. ughh so hard though.

 

Dont take anything they say, directly or otherwise, as the truth. Thats especially true of FB - you can NEVER trust anything on there, you can take it out of context / over analyse etc.. There are a whole host of reason as to why he'd bad mouth you (make himself look / feel better / protect his own feelings / pretend he's over you etc..) Unless he ultimately comes out and says to you personally, I wouldn't give it a seconds thought. It wasn't meant for you to hear. Crap gave me similar advice.

[askltk]

Kate - Good so see your back! And that the situation with the Ex is comfortable and to your liking!

 

I think you already realise that your over thinking it - and knowing is half the solution! And although you're having these doubts - your post does remain very strong in terms of you personally (I don't need anyone, and I am enjoying my friends and family right now but I just want to enjoy the positivity that he brings into my life). I too (and to certain extent still am) overanaysing things, but its just about focusing on what you want, rather than "hidden" meaning to communication.

 

You said it your self, take a small step back, let him chase you a bit. Get back on your pedestal and be Cool!

 

Crap and others may have a more detailed analysis! Ha

[CrapAtNC]

No, I think you said it beautifully.

[askltk]

Fingers crossed thats me starting to "get" it! Ha

[Einah1281]

hi...new to this thread!

 

I have a couple of post floating around detailing what went down with my ex.

 

But i'll give a lil background....

 

*knew each other for 2 years prior to dating(we used to work together)

*Dated for 4.5 months

*I'm the dumpee

*He stated we saw each other too much and we argued alot

*He continues to contact me throughout the BU

*I went NC after he informed me that he was seeing someone else. I told him I was seeing someone else too but I lied (I guess I was trying to save face)

*3 weeks into NC he text me to see if I was "okay". I ignored the text.

*2 weeks later he calls...I do not pick up.

 

Fast forward to last thursday I broke NC by shooting him a quick text saying:

 

Me: Just saying hi...hope all is well. God bless

 

After I sent that I said to myself that I will be ok if he doesn't respond. So instead of seeing if he'll respond or not, I put my phone down and took a shower. 15 mins later I get out the shower pick up my phone and to my surprise he texted this back:

 

ex: Wow. I have called you and you don't like returning calls or text, but its all good. Whats been going on??

Me: I've been very busy

ex: Are you and that guy still together?? I ended it with (chicks name). She was psycho.

me to hear that.

ex: I'm good....its for the best. She needs help. What are you doing tomorrow? Maybe we can meet up for dinner.My treat! Cool if you don't want to.

me out of town tomorrow..maybe some other time

ex

me: Glad you are doing well...i'm gonna go ahead and turn it on in. ttyl

ex I'm out celebrating my alma maters win at (club name)

me: ok....have fun

 

That was last thursday. I haven't heard from him since then but oh well.....

 

I still really love the guy but I also understand our breakup was for the best. If he gets his stuff straight. I'm all for reconcilation..if not...i've lost nothing.

 

My question. Was I nonchalant enough???? Did I do the right thing??

[CrapAtNC]

Well, nonchalant, but nothing else. I wouldn't contact you after that convo. You sound indifferent, which is about as unloving as you can be (more than hate).

 

Nonchalance is about not letting yourself get bothered about anything; it's not about pretending you're not interested.

 

Your ex almost got it right, though. ;-)

[Mills]

my ex told me that he thinks i stil want a relationship with him ... i said no, i still have feelings for you but ive accepted that we are friends, plus you like (insert name here) and i dont want to be in a relationship with someone who has feelings for someone else.

 

he got angry and said "i dont like her. you are being annoying." and then started to ignore me.. so i got angry bc he was ignoring me (something hes never done) .. and hes like im done talking anymore. i said forever? hes like i dont know.. im like well if you dont want to speak anymore then let me know right now.. he said "ok" .. and i havent contacted him since.. that was the night before the last but i have kinda disappeared and not talked to him..

 

is that being nonchalant now? its been 3 months aof me telling him i still wanna work things out and finally i said i dont want a relationship with you either, i agree..

 

i just wonder if he will come back after a certain amount of time of me not contacting him.. these past 3 months we've pretty much talked everyday..

[MakeItCount]

I don't think asking if it's "forever" is being nonchalant. Neither is being angry. You've gone from one extreme to the other. I'm way too exhausted to really think of anything clever right now ,but what I do know is that you need to step WAYYY back. He can still tell you're affected by him. Distance yourself, get your emotions under control, and then figure out how to be nonchalant. This guy sounds like a douche anyways.

[CrapAtNC]

Don't get angry. Anger destroys everything you've built up over time. You need to find a way to convert anger into something more positive . The ultimatum, too, was anything but nonchalance. And asking "forever?"

 

OK, you've mastered standing up for yourself, which is a good thing. You need to work more on you nonchalance though. Or less. Depending how you look at it. ;-)

 

Getting a reaction you've never seen before is a good sign, as it shows you are definitely breaking a pattern. Just make sure you create a good one to take its place.

 

You started off great too. When he said you're annoying, you should have just responded nonchalantly, without really paying much attention to his actual words. You should have just found a way to completely change the subject.

 

Good news is that you have told him you now accept the break-up (that's what really scared him). He's now angry because he wasn't expecting that; it means he doesn't have the upper hand any more, nor you as a safety net. He's now having to consider if breaking up with you was the right move or not--which is why you shouldn't be participating in arguments right now.

[Einah1281]

Well, nonchalant, but nothing else. I wouldn't contact you after that convo. You sound indifferent, which is about as unloving as you can be (more than hate).

 

Nonchalance is about not letting yourself get bothered about anything; it's not about pretending you're not interested.

 

Your ex almost got it right, though. ;-)

 

 

I'm sorry....I don't understand

[CrapAtNC]

He reached out to you, and you acted like you really couldn't be bothered.