Nonchalance is Your Friend

[CSLX9]

Finally, about time someone posted about being nonchalant!

It's a super attitude, especially when you witness some of the

things people can get angry over!

[jenna-is-here]

Women settle down with the guy who will always put them first, always take care of them . . . but they remain sexually attracted to the kind of guy who holds himself in slightly higher regard than her, and he's the one she secretly wants to father her children. If you want to keep a relationship strong and healthy, you need to be both of those men.

 

Crap - I know this is from a while back but I want to know if you can write this for men (to clue us ladies in). For example,

 

"Men settle down with a girl who.... "

"But they (men) remain sexually attracted to.... "

 

Am I making sense? I want the secret! I want the code!

[RandomNobody]

Men are much, much simpler. Men settle down AND remain sexually attracted to the woman who is nuts and wants to have fun, is independent and strong, yet is loyal and makes her man feel like a knight in shining armor. Loyalty doesn't need to be blind, though, do NOT stay with us if we are total assholes! Just make sure you let us know when we are being * * * * s. Ignoring the issue will just make you blow up all of a sudden and we'll be dumped and not knowing what the * * * * is wrong.

 

Looks help, but we do NOT need supermodels. As long as the girl cares, is loyal, femenine and appreciates the stuff we do for them, all we need is for them to not be morbidly obese. The woman I am blindly in love with is, objectively, nowhere near a supermodel. Yet she's the most beautiful woman in the Universe, by far. Go figure.

 

P.S: Coming out of a heated discussion on the receiving end is obliteration for a man's self-esteem. The complete opposite of feeling like knight. When you need to discuss/complain about something, do not raise your voice. That way, you can be right and your man won't feel like * * * * . This is extremely important: Do NOT raise your voice. There are no excuses. PMS especially is not an excuse, and we cringe anytime a woman blames it for anything

 

P.S2: Men, this goes both ways.

 

Anyways, later today she called me again. We chatted for a while, then she mentioned she was very depressed. She told me she felt very, very lonely, even when she's around people. She also complained how I was being too friendly with some of my exes, and that she was very jealous. I just brushed it off, said they were all jokes (I tell them stuff like "OH HEY LOOKING SEXY THARR", but it is, with all honesty, nothing more than innocent fun. They are aware of this, as I am, and we consider it nothing more than innocent jokes).

 

She calmed down after a while, and then said Poop (That plushie. Yes, we love it very much. We're little kids like that.) was very sad, because mommy and daddy weren't in love anymore. Then she said she loved me. I told her I love her too. Then she said Poop was saying she didn't understand why mommy and daddy weren't together if they loved each other. I just said "tell her not to worry about it".

 

We continued to chat about nothing in particular, and even though I tried to be upbeat as possible, she still sounded sad and depressed. She's been like this for as long as we've been broken up.

 

So she mentioned she was sad on her Facebook wall, and her new guy tells her it'll all be alright and that he'll be there for her. The replied: "Yeah, yeah, you all say that and then you're NEVER there when I really need you". Then she linked me to this and said "Hahaha, check this out. I totally owned him!".

 

Lately, she's been keeping some distance with the guy. She never wants to be around him, and when she is, she avoids him.

 

I don't know whether she's waiting for me to make the first move. She seems scared, too insecure to make it herself. She's starting to initiate contact with me more and more and more, progressively, to the point that she spends pretty much all day chatting to me unless I have to leave to do something.

 

When I call her the ocassional lovey-dovey name, she takes it as if she were in love with me, and says she loves me more and more often.

 

Any impressions? Any pointers?

[SethSLC]

Pride.

 

Damned if it doesn't always seem to get in the way more often than help. My take, again this is just an opinion and only she can really know how she feels, is that she is having major regrets and second thoughts. Pride and Fear will often get in the way of a person opening up because we think we're going to get hurt. Human beings don't like being hurt and our bodies and minds will do all kinds of things to keep that from happening to us. Many times we won't even be aware of what we're doing.

 

It's about what you want. What do you want from this? I read what she's saying to you as a way of half putting herself out there but still leaving herself room to be protected in case she is wrong. She is testing the waters about how you feel. If you want to pursue it then I suggest you try and open a more adult line of communication with her. Be honest with how you feel and what you want, and make it plain to her. Don't talk about the past relationship though. Talk about how you've begun using this time apart to improve things in yourself and in your life.

 

That's just my 2c though, so take it with a grain of salt~

[kuteknish]

Crap - I know this is from a while back but I want to know if you can write this for men (to clue us ladies in). For example,

 

"Men settle down with a girl who.... "

"But they (men) remain sexually attracted to.... "

 

Am I making sense? I want the secret! I want the code!

 

Jenna - I'm with you

[kuteknish]

I had a setback in my "non-chalant-ness" today - I ran into my ex and said "we really have to stop running into each other like this!" he laughed and I said "how bout a hug.. it's freezing out!" he hugged me.. but I think it was not very nonchalant behavior on my part.... even though I'm a huge hugger. I then said "stay warm" and went on my way. thoughts?

[RandomNobody]

I had a setback in my "non-chalant-ness" today - I ran into my ex and said "we really have to stop running into each other like this!" he laughed and I said "how bout a hug.. it's freezing out!" he hugged me.. but I think it was not very nonchalant behavior on my part.... even though I'm a huge hugger. I then said "stay warm" and went on my way. thoughts?

 

If you kept things upbeat and you looked cheerful, it was all cool. No drama, and a hug is no big deal. Keep it up!

 

As for me, jesus christ. Some friend of mine added me on FB, and comented on one of my pictures that I was looking sexy. My ex saw it and went bat * * * * ! Now she says she needs some time alone, and said she'd tell her guy to leave her alone also.

 

So after an hour or so, she comes back on MSN. We're talking right now. I'm pretty sure she did something crazy, like hurt herself. I'll keep you guys updated.

[The_Seeker]

I had a setback in my "non-chalant-ness" today - I ran into my ex and said "we really have to stop running into each other like this!" he laughed and I said "how bout a hug.. it's freezing out!" he hugged me.. but I think it was not very nonchalant behavior on my part.... even though I'm a huge hugger. I then said "stay warm" and went on my way. thoughts?

 

You did good. That's what I would of done if my ex did that to me.

[kuteknish]

You did good. That's what I would of done if my ex did that to me.

 

I asked for a hug.. that's not nonchalant! I should be more acquaintance-like to this man! He broke my heart!

[bungalo]

I think this thread is rapidly becoming a joke. How many people can truly be non-chalant with their ex? And for how long..and as I've stated before..this is in the Getting Back Together Forum..and NO ONE IS GETTING BACK TOGETHER..DREAM ON PEEPS!

[The_Seeker]

I think this thread is rapidly becoming a joke. How many people can truly be non-chalant with their ex? And for how long..and as I've stated before..this is in the Getting Back Together Forum..and NO ONE IS GETTING BACK TOGETHER..DREAM ON PEEPS!

 

LOL, dude relax. Just because it didn't work out for you, doesn't mean it might not for other people.

 

Besides, it's fun being nonchalant to people.

[The_Seeker]

I asked for a hug.. that's not nonchalant! I should be more acquaintance-like to this man! He broke my heart!

 

I misread your sentence then. LOL

 

It's ok, you live and learn.

[bungalo]

LOL, dude relax. Just because it didn't work out for you, doesn't mean it might not for other people.

 

Besides, it's fun being nonchalant to people.

 

Step up..Crap..anyone..WHO DID IT WORK OUT FOR...? That's not the point..I think non-cha is great..but EVERYONE IS IGNORING THE FACT THAT WE HAVE NO ONE ON THE ENTIRE THREAD WHO HAS ACTUALLY RECONCILED!

[The_Seeker]

Step up..Crap..anyone..WHO DID IT WORK OUT FOR...? That's not the point..I think non-cha is great..but EVERYONE IS IGNORING THE FACT THAT WE HAVE NO ONE ON THE ENTIRE THREAD WHO HAS ACTUALLY RECONCILED!

 

Ok, I'll step up with you. LOL

 

You can't expect it to be like a genie granting a wish right away.

 

Everyone's breakup situation is different. Everyone's ex is different. Therefore calculation for result of reconciliation IS going to be different.

 

It might take days, months, and even years.

 

Someone definitely needs to take a chill pill. I hope you're not drunk while typing this out.

 

If you don't like this method, don't bother using it. Plain and simple.

 

Geesh.

[bungalo]

I think non cha is great, but I just don't think it works with an ex, and we're talkin LTR here, not 2 month slap and tickle rendezvous..show me some evidence! 142 pages here and not a single recon!

[The_Seeker]

I think non cha is great, but I just don't think it works with an ex, and we're talkin LTR here, not 2 month slap and tickle rendezvous..show me some evidence! 142 pages here and not a single recon!

 

LMAO. I'm not going to waste my energy to reread it and I have read 142 pages. Your relationship is a LTR. What did you expect?

 

Instead of coming on here with your frustrations how this method doesn't work etc etc, go out and have fun.

[bungalo]

I thought we were having fun? Being non-cha! One example..that's all I'm looking for. All I see are infantile texting and Facebook games..ta ta

[The_Seeker]

I thought we were having fun? Being non-cha! One example..that's all I'm looking for. All I see are infantile texting and Facebook games..ta ta

 

;] I quit long time ago. Go play by yourself.

[CrapAtNC]

Bungalo, have you even tried it?

 

It's a tool for reigniting attraction with your ex (and other people) and for getting more out of life. To truly reconcile, you need to have fixed any previous issues, found a way to 'close the deal' (which I happily admit I would love to learn more about), and be completely ready for it.

 

I got my ex back using it (to dramatic effect). I wasn't ready for it though, and neither was she. It will also lead some people to no longer find their exes attractive, as the attraction wasn't healthy in the first place.

 

But you are welcome to make any comments about using nonchalance; it's all good.

[bungalo]

Sorry guys,

 

I am totally non cha with everyone else..and it def works...just frustrated over not keeping my emotions in check over my ex tonight..love you all... Really

[The_Seeker]

Sorry guys,

 

I am totally non cha with everyone else..and it def works...just frustrated over not keeping my emotions in check over my ex tonight..love you all... Really

 

LOL Sure, dude.

[CrapAtNC]

Sorry guys,

 

I am totally non cha with everyone else..and it def works...just frustrated over not keeping my emotions in check over my ex tonight..love you all... Really

 

I hear ya. And, truth be told, many of us slip up with being nonchalant with the exes.

 

But your post got me thinking. We do need to work out how to take advantage of the increase in attraction the ex should be feeling, the taking back of power, and of our newly acquired relaxed way of going about things.

 

How do we close the deal? I had to think back to my original ex--the one who was so hateful towards me that she even tried to get me kicked out of the country at one stage. The nonchalance brought her back 'towards' me, without a doubt. But that alone wasn't closing the deal--for many of us, the ex simply won't (can't) make the first move, nor may feel that he or she needs to.

 

What worked for me was dating someone else, and the ex getting to know about it. That, with the new upbeat, nonchalant me, brought her almost begging, but without actually saying the words.

 

That's when I had to make the move, but still nonchalantly. You see, I read how many of you think that doing or saying something nice to your ex or about how you feel is bad, but it isn't. A request for a hug can be done in a way that shows you're just in it for the hug (hold too long, squeeze too tight, lose that smile--all these will show that you're not OK; but a brief, happy hug with a cheerful farewell will give you what you wanted--a hug--while just reinforcing the fact that you are one upbeat, confident person who will not be affected, have no needs, and are a good choice of mate).

 

Likewise, a suggestion to get back together, or just go out on a date, can be done nonchalantly. In my case, I knew I had to make a move while the ex's attraction to me was so evident. I suggested doing something together (can't remember what, but nothing romantic), then I said I'd walk her home (note: no questions here; just suggestions or simply telling--always said in a way that shows you expect agreement, and, in fact, I didn't wait for confirmation).

 

Then at the door, I remained happy, confident, unaffected. I told her how great she looked, and I mentioned how much I love her tummy (she has a little bulging tummy which I thought was cute) and I lightly stroked it with a finger, while smiling. Because she accepted it, I figured she was no longer going to pull away. I stroked her hair out of her face and down her neck, and then squeezed her shoulder lightly. All I said was "I'd love to give you a massage right now", and the next thing I know I'm invited in ("just for a massage; nothing else"), and an hour or so later we're in a loving embrace, with her crying her eyes out and me reassuring her that everything will be fine. It was beautiful.

 

From there, I should have been able to keep the relationship going. We dated again for a couple of weeks, but, unfortunately, I disregarded everything that had finally got me back in the loving embrace of the girl I still feel very strongly about--a seemingly impossible scenario just a few weeks previously. I'm certain that, if I'd waited until I could maintain nonchalance throughout and learn to ignore the hurtful stuff that she really can't help, we'd still be together now.

 

So, once attraction is created, you can make a move. Being nonchalant isn't about pretending you don't want them; it's about showing you'll be GREAT regardless. ;-) That's the key, I think. No needs, no expectations, no disappointments.

 

Let me know what you think.

 

Crap

[The_Seeker]

LOL I don't know, Crap, about showing no needs, no expectations, no disappointments. LOL Since my expectation is to get back together.

 

Instead of asking the ex to come hang out or whatever, I'll show little crumbs of evidences about my life by the help of my minions. ;]

 

I prefer to be authentic and living just for me.

[CrapAtNC]

Getting back together should be a desire, not a need. If you show that you need it too much, then that will push people away. If you show that you desire it but your happiness isn't dependent on it, then you stand a much better chance of pulling them (anyone) towards you.

 

Have you ever felt strong attraction to someone who tried too hard? How about someone who seemed like they would never try?

[The_Seeker]

Getting back together should be a desire, not a need. If you show that you need it too much, then that will push people away. If you show that you desire it but your happiness isn't dependent on it, then you stand a much better chance of pulling them (anyone) towards you.

 

Have you ever felt strong attraction to someone who tried too hard? How about someone who seemed like they would never try?

 

Oh I do desire my ex. LOL Do I need him for my happiness? ;] Naw my car takes care of that. Then again, of course I'm going to need him because he has something that I want. LOL Hopefully, this is making any sense. I'm not a needy person if that's what you're thinking, Crap. ;] Been strict NC since the breakup. 5 Months.

 

Actually I did fall for someone who did tried hard to show me he's different from the rest in college. However, I felt a lot of pressure, and told him to stay away or I'll knock him out. ^_^; He was a very bad boy.

 

The ones that never tried, I didn't bother with. I just friendzoned them.