Nonchalance is Your Friend

[perio]

Hello all.

This is absolutely the best thread that I have come accrossed on ENA!

I have just finished reading the entire thread. somewhat book-like

I have become purposely nonchalant lately. it feels good. I definitely can look back and see a consistent history of nonchalance throughout my life. I have been thrown off track during a few times like my breakup 3months ago. I definitely see the difference it makes. I don't think I'm truly dependant but the benefit of adjusting my Outlook has been liberating.

thanks Crap for all of your efforts here!

[CrapAtNC]

Whatever. ;-)

[MakeItCount]

Whatever. ;-)

 

bahaha, crapstastic.

[Halflife]

CrapAtNC... if on a second meeting with my ex (at the movies), I go to hold her hand... would you say that goes against nonchalance? Do you think it's acceptable?

[KrispyKreme]

Why does nonchalance drive exes up the wall when you casually talk about other, even if they claim there are no feelings??? I'm stuck in a vicious cycle.

[CrapAtNC]

CrapAtNC... if on a second meeting with my ex (at the movies), I go to hold her hand... would you say that goes against nonchalance? Do you think it's acceptable?

 

That would totally depend on what else has been happening between you two. If I were you, I'd do some little testers before trying something like that. See how she reacts if you put your hand on her back to guide her somewhere, or go to move some hair from her face. If she seems annoyed by these seemingly harmless gestures, then a hand-hold is completely out of the question.

[Halflife]

Thanks, I'm rubbish at this but I'll give it a go

[CrapAtNC]

Just remember that nonchalance isn't about pretending you're not into her; it's about showing that you're totally cool no matter what happens, have no hang-ups, don't get disappointed, etc. If things are going well, you can make a move, but I would do so very carefully, and, if the move is unwanted, no apologies; just make a funny excuse ("Sorry! I was aiming for the popcorn!")

[CrapAtNC]

Why does nonchalance drive exes up the wall when you casually talk about other, even if they claim there are no feelings??? I'm stuck in a vicious cycle.

 

No, you're not. Her being driven up the wall shouldn't be affecting you. She'll survive.

[Halflife]

Just remember that nonchalance isn't about pretending you're not into her; it's about showing that you're totally cool no matter what happens, have no hang-ups, don't get disappointed, etc. If things are going well, you can make a move, but I would do so very carefully, and, if the move is unwanted, no apologies; just make a funny excuse ("Sorry! I was aiming for the popcorn!")

 

I just want to find out if she's romantically interested as quickly as possible because I have no intention of going out as friends. I figured holding hands would give me a clear answer. If she accepts = success. If she doesn't accept but goes out with me again = success. If she doesn't go out again = move on.

[CrapAtNC]

But you should be taking small steps, for both your sakes. It's a dance, not a fumble. ;-)

[Halflife]

Well what on earth are you supposed to do at the movies on a date if not hold hands? What's the point otherwise?

[askltk]

Well what on earth are you supposed to do at the movies on a date if not hold hands? What's the point otherwise?

 

Watch the movie!? Ha

 

Sorry dont know you backstory here - but its a good question to ask yourself. If she's showing no interest in even the slightest gesture, what is the point?

[RandomNobody]

Hey Crap, I need some advice.

 

In the end, nothing happened the other day. She made excuses again at the last minute, even though she was the one who was constantly saying she'd come. So Ok. I just played it cool, but I didn't ask about going out again.

 

So I post some kickass pictures of me in my Karategi on Facebook. I am a Shotokan Karate and Okinawan Kobudô student, and this used to drive her crazy. I just didn't give it second thoughts, as I really don't like bragging about it. She kept asking me to show her some moves, but I used to just say I was no master and forget about it.

 

So she comments on the pics, saying that I look very strong/powerful, and that I look hot (yeah, all of this is literal, I swear). Then she asks me on MSN if I'd please let her do a photo session of me in those garments doing moves and stuff. So I said Ok, I don't mind. I'll be done with exams by tomorrow anyway (FINALLY, DAMN IT). She says that's awesome.

 

In any case, even though all of this happened, she still ocassionally posts lovey-dovey crap on this other guys' Facebook. Not that I give a crap, just sharing the info with you guys.

 

So today she tells me her aunt died. I said I was sorry and proceeded to listen to all the boring drama. She kept saying it brought her memories of her deceased grandfather, yadda, yadda, yadda (sorry if this sounds cold, guys).

 

So here comes the interesting part: I tell her: "I think you should be talking about this with your boyfriend."

Her: "If you don't want me to tell you about it, you can just tell me directly"

Me: "No, I'm fine with it. This is about you."

Her: "If i'm telling this to you... It's because it's you who I need to tell it to."

 

I don't think whether this is a good or a bad thing. Is it good because she doesn't trust her boyfriend around her true feelings? Is it bad because she's just enjoying her boyfriend while I play the role of the emotional tampon?

 

I AM nonchalant about the issue, as in, I really don't give a crap either way. It's just if I have the choice to affect the outcome of our reconciliation in a positive manner, then I might as well do it, no? But I don't know whether listening to her problems in her boyfriend's stead is doing my chances any good.

 

My feelings have nothing to do about it, I really don't give a damn about me being her emotional tampon while she enjoys life... As long as it is the right choice, of course.

 

Would you guys continue to provide a sounding board, or would you guys stop doing so? And, if you were to stop her in her tracks, how would you go about it? Say you got stuff to do right now? Outright tell her that either she tells someone else or she quits boring you?

 

Thank you for your advice, Crap and everyone else

[felix29]

Hey Ruku,

 

If I were you I would go cold turkey on this girl. Generally speaking, when your ex is in a new relationship you should go NC. Remember that one time you hung out with her and her date and you were nonchalant about it? That killed her.

 

From what you told us, it sounds like she's stringing you along to have both you and the new boyfriend around.

 

Think about it Ruku...

 

She's using you as an emotional tampon right now. She is telling you all the boring crap in her life that her new boyfriend won't listen to. And who gets to sleep with her at the end of the night? It's definitely not you.

 

Don't let this girl have so much power over you and stop going out of your way to talk to her. It sounds like you've been slowly prioritizing her more and you need to STOP. If she calls, who cares? Ignore it and she'll be forced to tell her new boyfriend about all her problems.

 

If you keep talking to her you're making this MUCH easier for her new boyfriend. Just take a week long NC or something because think about how crazy that will make her. Don't sign onto your instant messenger, Facebook... anything. Just sit back and relax until she comes crawling back at your doorstep.

 

Good luck.

[felix29]

Oh also, if you disappear she is going to go into panic mode. Think about how that's going to make her feel towards her boyfriend. He will most likely want to be intimate with her but she will be too stressed out about possibly losing you.

 

Keep us updated.

[jellysandwich]

Odd little situation ...

 

So a couple of days ago, I posted a fb status "dont blame me for your overreaction", referring to something my cousin did. And just a few hours ago, I find out that my ex posted a comment on it, "Blame it on miscommunication!"

 

... Which is after she told me to never talk to her ever again ... Which is after I sent a message to her requesting to talk and clear up misunderstandings (per my current gf's request). LOL the irony!

 

I've asked a couple of friends about it, and they seem to think that my ex interpreted my status update incorrectly - that is, she thought it was related to her. I guess that makes sense.

 

Ohhhhhhhhh how I so want to post something silly to make fun of you! It's a shame that you'll get offended by it though, so alas, I will stick to honoring your request and not talk to you.

[RandomNobody]

Wilco, Felix.

 

In any case, let me tell you I haven't really gotten out of my way to talk to her at all. She's the one constantly initiating contact over MSN, and when I have crap to do? I won't even say so most of the time, I'll just disappear.

 

I just happened to be taking a break from studying when all of a sudden she bursts out that crap. It's not like I had to do much, though. She just started talking about it, and she kept going by herself. Some time later I open our convo and I see this wall of text. That's when I told her about telling her guy and that * * * * happened.

 

After that, she went on to say some more stuff about it. I didn't reply back, and eventually she said "kisses and good night" and went to sleep.

 

My main problem here is that she seems able to * * * * ing SMELL when I got nothing better to do than to sit on MSN for a while. This has happened maybe three times in the span of a week. All of a sudden she says she's been having nightmares for some days now.

 

So yeah, my dilemma was that I really was actually just going about my business... Yet she manages to catch me at the right times, hence why I needed to make a decission.

 

The problem is... Completely disappearing isn't really nonchalant at all. I'll probably do it just so she faces reality without me for a while, and whenever she makes an actually big effort to talk to me, I'll just pull some excuse out of my ass and continue about my business.

 

I'll let you know how it turns out. I just wanted you to know that, this little problem aside, I've been feeling great lately. Exams could've gone better, but it was mostly all good. All that working off is definitely paying off, I really DO look hot in that karategi now! And I'm so hyped to hear the official news for haggar in MvsC3.

 

Life's being so awesome lately. Keep on not giving a crap, people.

[CrapAtNC]

Rukumouru, felix29 is spot on. You are being friendzoned. The trick is to be less available, more busy moving upward with your life, and certainly not accepting these requests to hang out (which she then cancels). To her, it feels like she has you on a string.

 

How about showing how much you value yourself, in an upbeat way? She invites you to do something, say no. Tell her because she's too flakey. Then don't accept anything for a while. When you finally do, say yes but then just forget about it. Act as though she's going to bail and make other plans. When it comes to the actual 'date' and she's looking like she's going to be there, act surprised; say that you made other plans because you thought she would just cancel again. You need something a lot more concrete before you give her (anybody!) another chance to mess you around like that.

 

And that's the reversal you have to make: you are giving her a chance, not her giving you. And if she doesn't value it, then she loses it, and you will happily go on your way. This isn't a game; this is you realising that you are in this position because you are too nice. Nice is good; too nice is bad for everyone.

 

She has to know that you're not interested in being friends. No ultimatum necessary; just make it clear. You were far closer than that, and that's what you two had, not a friendship. So don't feel guilty about not being there for her, as she has chosen someone else to fulfil that role.

 

Fill up your calendar for the next month. Have lots of cool stuff planned. When she wants to meet, check your schedule and do not compromise. If you want her to value you, value yourself. She knows you can do it; she's seen you and it affected her. You should have left her alone at that point.

[RandomNobody]

Thanks for the insight, Crap and Felix. Here's a quick update, though:

 

So I come back from my last exam (whew, that one was tough as hell) and guess what I find: She had sent me a message on Facebook an hour earlier.

 

Here's what it says (translated into English, of course):

 

Title: Hello ^^

 

Hello Rukuuuuuuuu... I'd like to talk to you U_U but not on MSN...I'd rather do it face to face.

 

See you...

 

Okay so... What the hell?

 

What would you guys do in this situation?

 

EDIT: Whatever the case, I can't see her this afternoon. I'm gonna go buy a pair of rubber foam-covered training Nunchaku so I can teach my cousin without him killing himself

[felix29]

If I were you Ruku, I would respond in a day or two. In your message say you're busy and you have stuff going on, and you plan on doing _____ at this time _____. Make it on your terms and don't revolve your schedule around hers.

[felix29]

OR... you can say you're really busy and ask why she wants to see you. If it's nothing about reconciliation then don't even meet up...

[CrapAtNC]

Do be prepared for a bombshell, good or bad.

 

Good luck to you!

[RandomNobody]

No worries there, if she drops a bomb, I don't care I have a lot on my plate right now. I asked this cute girl I've known for some time now to stay for a while at my place in summer, and she agreed! (I won't lie to you, I still want to reconciliate with my ex. But damn, I'm single, no?)

 

I just need to know what'd be the best thing to do about this. Do I reply NOW and tell her that I'm busy about X and Y, or reply in a day or two and say I've been busy about X and Y?

[RandomNobody]

Wow, she's desperate all of a sudden. She even called me. But hey, I'mma go grab something to eat, so she'll have to wait