Nonchalance is Your Friend

[Mills]

Thank you.. I did try changing the subject, and being funny and he just started to ignore me.. and thats where the anger set in. Im sure eventually I will run into him out somewhere being that we have many mutual friends and when I see him i will act like nothing is wrong.. but I wont give him much attention. You're right, Ive never come out and said "No, I dont want a relationship" and I think hes gotten too comfortable with thinking that I still do this whole time.

 

I am stepping way back and not initiating any contact anymore. Im tired of him being so hot and cold.. I mean I couldn't even put up a status of a smiley face bc I was in a good mood without him asking 1 million questions about it and accusing me that theres a reason behind it and that Im not just in a good mood. I really think that we need some space from each other for a good amount of time.

[Einah1281]

He reached out to you, and you acted like you really couldn't be bothered.

 

 

I sent the first text:

 

 

Fast forward to last thursday I broke NC by shooting him a quick text saying:

 

Me: Just saying hi...hope all is well. God bless

 

After I sent that I said to myself that I will be ok if he doesn't respond. So instead of seeing if he'll respond or not, I put my phone down and took a shower. 15 mins later I get out the shower pick up my phone and to my surprise he texted this back:

 

ex: Wow. I have called you and you don't like returning calls or text, but its all good. Whats been going on??

Me: I've been very busy

ex: Are you and that guy still together?? I ended it with (chicks name). She was psycho.

me to hear that.

ex: I'm good....its for the best. She needs help. What are you doing tomorrow? Maybe we can meet up for dinner.My treat! Cool if you don't want to.

me out of town tomorrow..maybe some other time

ex

me: Glad you are doing well...i'm gonna go ahead and turn it on in. ttyl

ex I'm out celebrating my alma maters win at (club name)

me: ok....have fun

 

That was last thursday. I haven't heard from him since then but oh well.....

[RandomNobody]

We met again today, she mentioned she wanted to tag along with me and my friends.

 

After a while, I walked out of the bar to get some fresh air (there were people smoking and I can't stand it). She walked out with me and then talked to me about us. She said she wanted to be friends and is happy with how things are now, but she said this looking rather down. I told her it was Ok with a big smile. Then she went into the bar again. I went home. Never said a word to anyone.

 

After that, I proceeded to get rid of her MSN, her facebook... Her everything. I'll just drop out of sight. No anger, no resentment, no nothing.

 

I need this. Otherwise, I'll never stop hurting. I can't lie to myself and say everything's fine by being friends. I simply can't do that.

 

So I won't. I won't be her friend. Everything will be fine, yes. I don't want to get mad or sad anymore, I just need to get over my feelings for her.

[CrapAtNC]

We've all been there, and, yes, you will be fine. We always are.

[CrapAtNC]

Well, it's nearly Christmas in this part of the world. Wishing you all a very nonchalant Christmas.

 

Cheers!

 

 

Crap

[RandomNobody]

Thanks, Crap. I'll try to be as positive as I can, but with all this family around, pestering me... Ugh!

 

I certainly hope the rest of you are having a nonchalant Christmas!

[KateUK]

You said it your self, take a small step back, let him chase you a bit. Get back on your pedestal and be Cool!

 

Thanks for that Ask! I chilled the heck out, had a ten candle soak in the tub and meditated and just emptied my head of all thoughts (had a rough week, been poorly and crashed my car in the ice so I was feeling down anyway, which hasn't helped). Went to bed with a smile on my face. Got woken up at 1.50am by this new chap wanting to chat to me on his way home from a night out He said he needed to get more minutes on his mobile phone and sort something out so he could talk to me more and then texted me all this morning.

 

Funny but just when you stop worrying about things that are outside your control, things just start to come together.

 

On that note - Have a happy nonchalant christmas folks!!

 

Kate x

[Capthxc]

Well i have an update to my situation. Dont know how many people have been following my story but here I go. I feel like i might finally be on the right track to eventually getting her back.

 

Well for those who didnt see my thread from a month back i got her to tell me she still cares about me. How she wants me to be safe and how i am/was an important person in her life. All of this came after i spent months dwelling on why she hated me and why she couldnt talk to me. I figured that would be a good sign for me to iniate contact with her again but i decided to wait until Christmas. Throw out that Merry Christmas message and work from there. If i didnt get a response then oh well, time to move on and not over complicate things.

 

However, I did get a response. A response that triggered a conversation. Nothing serious, but we talked for nearly an hour or so. It was the typical "How have you been doing" stuff that transpired into gaming talk. I quit playing World of Warcraft a while ago because we played together. She started talking to me about the game for a while and what shes been doing in it, etc etc. Which actually leaves me a little worried that shes getting into the same habits i used to and playing it way, way too much. Either way, you could say it was a good talk. I never thought we would talk on that level again so it actually made me feel much better.

 

The question i have is where should i go from here? The obvious answer to me is to keep up with the casual conversations for a bit and wait until she either brings up the relationship talk or wait until the time is absolutely right to bring it back up again. Since we live so far apart from each other at the moment it's hard to meet up for a date or anything like that. But I desperatly want to tell her that i want to come out and see her. I know its the wrong thing to do right now though, and I feel like i did a good job keeping it to myself.

[askltk]

Funny but just when you stop worrying about things that are outside your control, things just start to come together.

 

No problem Kate - I need to take my own advice I think!

 

 

 

Hope everyone has had a nonchalant Xmas, Boxing Day, and looking forward to a nonchalant 2011!

[RandomNobody]

Hello, y'all!

 

My christmas sucked major balls. My ex played me, my PS3 blew up, my present was a poem symbolizing that I need to find my own path (EXACTLY what I needed! Something to remind me that my life is a piece of crap right now!)... Oh, and tons of annoying people I don't like at home making noise and pestering me.

 

Still, I'm in rather good spirits. I absolutely LOVE this tune ( ) and had a total blast playing Medal of Honor (the 2010 one) on my PC. Also, I can't wait to hang out with my buddies tomorrow and try to fix my PS3. If I succeed, man, I'm gonna feel soooooo ace.

 

In any case, she wished me a happy christmas over MSN, but I chose to ignore it altogether. Right now, I am really angry at her for having played with my feelings like that, so I chose to completely ignore any of her contact efforts until I make sure I am in total control of my feelings. I really don't want to hurt anyone, and snapping and venting at her all of a sudden certainly wouldn't help that.

 

Besides, as I said, I'm quite busy! Gotta keep playing MoH just because it kicks so much ass, and tomorrow I'm gonna be pretty busy trying to fix my PS3 and hanging out with my buds.

 

However, here's a question for y'all:

 

Turns out we usually hang out at the same place (just because my friends absolutely love going there. I really don't care that much). However, right now, I feel like I couldn't stand seeing her: I am SO pissed off at her! I really don't want to vent on her or anything, though.

 

Should I tell my friends to avoid that place for a while? I really try to be nonchalant, but I don't think I'd succeed this soon, so I'd rather not take any chances. However, avoiding the place could also be considered non-nonchalant at all.

 

I try to be mature about my anger and just let myself cool off, instead of just forcing myself at her face and ultimately end up screwing with her feelings. I wouldn't feel so good after that.

 

So, what do you think?

 

Also, this time, nonchalance is solely for my own sake. After playing me like a yo-yo, I don't want her back anymore. She'd need to perform rather serious leaps of faith, and I doubt someone capable of yo-yoing with people's feelings is capable of leaping like that just out of faith.

[RandomNobody]

However, I did get a response. A response that triggered a conversation. Nothing serious, but we talked for nearly an hour or so.

 

The conversation lasted for nearly an hour. That right there, my friend, is a mistake. One of the many mistakes I made. Seem busy. Make yourself scarce. Cut conversations SHORT, 5-10 minutes MAX! Just say you need to go due to X reason or are busy at the moment.

 

Leave the relationship talk out completely: Concentrate on being completely nonchalant AND making yourself scarce. She will see that you're cool as hell, she can feel the chemistry already (otherwise she would never have gone out with you) and she will want what she seemingly can't have, no matter how hard she tries! So she will naturally want to try harder and harder.

 

You want to keep doing this until she's absolutely crazy about you. At this point, she'll probably bring it up herself. If she doesn't though, I think you can give it a shot yourself. And if she denies, play it cool like nothing happened. It'll drive her crazy.

 

So, what to do now? Keep yourself busy, and by all means, DO keep up with the casual conversations. However, let HER start those conversations, and let YOU end them prematurely. Keep each conversation very short, as I said to a maximum of ten minutes, and sometimes just disappear for a day or two as if you've been really busy.

 

If she asks, be vague. "I was busy", then quickly change the subject.

[Capthxc]

That's what i tried to do but she just kept....rambling. It felt to me like this was the kind of stuff shes wanted to talk to me about for a while now, and shes been waiting for me to approach her in a nonchalant way, without the constant apologies and emotions backed into everything i said to her. It's hard for me to cut a conversation short but next time we talk that's exactly what im gonna do.

 

I kept it as nonchalant as possible though. 0 talk about the relationship and break up. It was just a normal conversation, like the ones we used to have when we were just friends. It really was nice. But she's the real stubborn type. I dont think she will approach me to talk until shes sure that i'm not going to barrage her with i'm sorrys and i love yous. But as time goes on I will continue to take your advice. It's looking good for me so far i guess you could say. This whole time i thought she hated me because of how things ended between us. But in the end its rather comforting to know that i was just assuming things.

[RandomNobody]

It's good that the chat wasn't heated or full of drama. Keep it that way, and really, REALLY put some effort into cutting stuff short (without seeming rude).

[MakeItCount]

Well, I haven't really spoken to my ex since I got back from vacay. Texted her Merry Xmas last night, got a reply back, left it at that. I'm thinking I'll try to setup something in the new year before we start school again, and see if I see any interest. If nothing there, then I think I'm going to cut this one loose. I figured at this point if she was interested at all in starting something again, I'd at least get some questions to see how I'm doing etc. I think I may be fighting a losing battle here, might be time to pull back the troops

[CrapAtNC]

There are many reasons for not wanting to get in touch. I don't want to build false hope, but part of being nonchalant is looking on the bright side. ;-)

[MakeItCount]

There are many reasons for not wanting to get in touch. I don't want to build false hope, but part of being nonchalant is looking on the bright side. ;-)

 

Haha I hear ya man. I just think it's slowing down my healing. I know many reasons to be hopeful about a reconciliation, including all our friends thinking there's still something there, people on here (aka, you lol) telling me, etc. I think it's just the holiday blues, otherwise I've been doing great

[CrapAtNC]

Oh, I know. In fact, you're right, though: better to give up an walk away--that's one of the best things you can do. ;-)

[MakeItCount]

Oh, I know. In fact, you're right, though: better to give up an walk away--that's one of the best things you can do. ;-)

 

hahahhahaa I hate you I shall soldier on. This ain't over!

[Akaladas]

What's a nonchalant reply to your ex gf asking if you still have feelings for them?

[readytofall]

Aren't you scared that nonchalance will one day just stop working?

 

I still miss my ex like crazy, love her to bits, and would give everything I have right now just to feel her in a mutually loving embrace, but I don’t convey that to anybody (in real life, anyway), especially her.

 

You say that you're making progress but isn't the quote above just proof that you're in denial? Instead you're hiding behind this cover that you don't care.

I'm sorry if that sounds * * * * * y and harsh, but I cant' believe that caring less makes you a better person, or being "cocky and funny". You say that it's about being true to yourself, but if you're putting on a cover for everyone else then they're not liking you, they're liking a character. And you deserve to be appreciated and loved for who you are.

[MakeItCount]

It's not about faking anything, it's about truly being happy and not letting things affect you. It's not about not showing you care - quite the opposite. You can show you care, but do it in a non-needy way. Having no fear of how something may turn out.

 

Those kinds of things

[CrapAtNC]

Hello and happy Christmas!

 

That ex is long forgotten; it's from three years ago. And being nonchalant isn't about not caring; it's about being less needy. We codependents have a habit of caring too much, and that's what pushes people away.

 

And welcome to the thread!

 

 

[bungalo]

Ok Crap (and others) you were right...my ex reached out to me-in her typical generic, post-breakup fashion. Don't get me wrong, nice to get that Cmas greeting..but it was sooooo bare bones. I was at 30xxx ft flying to the west coast as her message popped up on my phone. I couldn't resist it. I did reply. I asked her what was new, and asked her how she was...made an inside joke about my memory being bad (it's the opposite)...signed it with an old nickname of mine. so ANYWAY...no reply...no simple.."I'm fine, kids are fine, Mom's fine..nada...ZERO. So....I guess she just wants to send out these innocuous, perfunctory emails....and not truly interact with me. Any ideas? I'm not really upset (I have a new woman I'm...uhhhh dating)...just disappointed.

[CrapAtNC]

She just wanted to see if you're still interested (for what reason, we don't know), and got everything she wanted from your response, I guess.

 

Congrats on the new lady!

[marsbars]

New to this post and love it!

My ex and I have been apart for 6 weeks. Our emails have been heavy hearted - miss you, thinking of you, blah, blah, blah. He has issues to deal with and I'm learning that I do too.

Look forward to this approach ... in time. Fun and light hearted.