Nonchalance is Your Friend

[MakeItCount]

Haha bungalo, sounds like you are definitely having a rough night. And you know what that shows me? You are still greatly affected by your ex. So am I, but it gets better every day. And I keep looking at her fb, and it's not affecting me as much.

 

I'm approaching this from a much more logical point of view now. I'm awesome, she's missing out, and I definitely do not want someone who doesn't want me. That's the bottom line. It's little baby steps as Crap has always said. One day, you truly ARE non chalant and nothing matters but your own happiness. You are back to your own world, and YOU choose who gets to be a part of it. You are happy, confident and don't have a care in the world. THAT'S what's going to attract people to you, be it your ex or someone else.

 

Trust me on this, I've talked to many people, and before I dated my ex, I had a reputation for being a player - it wasn't even true! But I was confident, I was upbeat and people noticed. I just didn't even realize it, but I was myself and people were attracted to me. I'm slowly returning to that, and I can almost guarantee, on Friday I'll be hooking up with a friend who has been there for me throughout this whole ordeal, and has realized who I am and what my values are - and how I truly am an amazing person.

 

Not trying to toot my own horn here...and neither should anyone. But seriously, get YOURSELF back, be HAPPY with yourself - the rest will fall into place.

 

/end rant

[MakeItCount]

Oh, and Crap - totally agree with your assessment. I think many people who take this approach do it too superficially. You CAN get your ex back this way, the problem is, a lot of us will fall into the same pattern once the ex is back and attracted to us. Then they run for the hills when things go back to the way they were. That's why, as you said, it's important to actually have this become a part of you - not just a pretense that we hang onto for JUST long enough. It must be an adopted, enduring lifestyle.

[askltk]

Getting back together should be a desire, not a need. If you show that you need it too much, then that will push people away. If you show that you desire it but your happiness isn't dependent on it, then you stand a much better chance of pulling them (anyone) towards you.

 

Totally agree. Some more great stuff here.

 

"So, once attraction is created, you can make a move. Being nonchalant isn't about pretending you don't want them; it's about showing you'll be GREAT regardless. That's the key, I think. No needs, no expectations, no disappointments"

 

Gaining back the attraction, how i see it, is just a bi-product of the overall benefit from the improvement nonchalance gives you. I am acting this way because i want to change (i was like this previously, before and during the relationship with my ex), getting back to how I was where the things I now worry about with my ex, fail to matter. Onwards...

[RandomNobody]

Hello again, chaps and chapettes.

 

So, yesterday, another friend of mine adds me on facebook and comments on my profile picture, saying I look very mature and gorgeous. She's a long time friend, and is in no way romantically interested in me.

 

My ex saw it and went completely ape * * * * . She vented on me for a while on MSN, and I just let her vent. Then she said she needed some time alone, and I said "It's ok, don't worry. You take some time off and try to relax". So she says she's gonna call her current boyfriend and that she's gonna tell him to leave her alone as well, and says bye.

 

Fast forward an hour. She calls me and says she's sorry, but that she just can't stand it, that it hurts her very much to see me acting flirty around girls. I just tell her it's no biggie, that they're just friends and that we love to joke around (And I didn't say this as an excuse, it's the truth after all!).

 

She kept venting about the issue for some time, and I just kept listening. So she says "Look... I really don't want to come accross as possessive, I know I have no right to tell you what to do..." To which I said "Look, I think you should be a bit happier and not worry about stuff so much. You have a boyfriend now, and he's quite a nice guy. I wish you all the happiness in the world, so go for it, girl!".

 

She replied this: "I wish I didn't have a boyfriend". I must admit that this statement hit me like a wall of bricks. I couldn't help but overanalyze the subject for a second there, but I forced myself to not think about it and did my very best to remain nonchalant, but had a bit of a slip: I told her "It was your choice, wasn't it?". She replied: "Yeah..." in a very sad tone. I hope this didn't harm the situation too much.

 

So after this, she mentions again that she feels very lonely, even though she has wonderful friends (I noticed how she didn't mention her boyfriend here. I was very sensible about this kind of stuff after that statement I mentioned before) that are there when she needs them, that it doesn't matter that she's surrounded by people, she feels lonely regardless.

 

I told her not to worry so much, and told her "I'll give you a bear hug if you behave like a good girl and try to be happier". She said OK, and mentioned she had to go sleep.

 

I had to gather a massive ammount of balls, but before she left, I said "Oh, hey! I'll probably be going for a walk on friday, since I'm a little sick of college exams. You should tag along and get some fresh air".

 

At first, she hesitated. Said she wasn't sure, mentioned she had a lot of homework and studying to do... I just told her "It's cool, you just think about it and tell me tomorrow." At this point she said "On second thought, yeah, I'd love it, so I'll see what I can do, OK? Talk to you tomorrow, good night".

 

Man, what a rollercoaster. I had an extremely tough time yesterday. I hope I didn't blow it too much.

[MakeItCount]

Doesn't seem like you blew it at all. I don't see any neediness, you just said you're going for a walk, and she should come. She's clearly not happy with this guy. Let her stew on him some more. I wouldn't have said "think about it", but it's all good.

 

IMO It's looking good, keep doing what you're doing, you're acting beautifully.

[RandomNobody]

So, she talks to me on MSN and shows me some pictures of her she took today. I notice she's wearing the headphones I help her choose, as well as the silver ring necklace I gave her when we split up.

 

Win?

[The_Seeker]

So, she talks to me on MSN and shows me some pictures of her she took today. I notice she's wearing the headphones I help her choose, as well as the silver ring necklace I gave her when we split up.

 

Win?

 

;] Seeking attention.

[RandomNobody]

Which is a good or a bad thing?

[The_Seeker]

Which is a good or a bad thing?

 

LOL I don't know. It's tough cuz I don't know your girl's personality.

[RandomNobody]

Alright, things are looking up.

 

During the afternoon, she mentioned we should turn on our webcams and we acted silly for a good while. She grabbed Poop and made her do all the silly stuff I used to make her do (As, during our relationship, it was I who often played with her and made her do a lot of silly things and sounds. She loved it). She seemed very happy to be doing these things with me.

 

We spent the afternoon chatting about nothing in particular, going from subject to subject, and generally having some light-hearted fun. We shared videos, talked about videogames...

 

A little bit before she had to go sleep, she mentioned that she won't be as busy as she thought tomorrow since she's been working her ass off for most of the day (specifically for the occasion, maybe?) and that it would be nice to hang out with me, if I was OK with it. So I said yeah, it'll be fun.

 

So she says she needs to go sleep right at the same time I had just said "WOAH, JUST WOAH. OH MY F*CKING GOD.". After she noticed this, she asked what was wrong. I sent her a leaked picture of someone working at Capcom, showing mayor Mike Haggar (probably the best character in the universe, from Final Fight) in Marvel vs Capcom 3, upcoming game from my most beloved fighting franchise. Imagine my amazement. My favourite character EVER, from my favourite series EVER, in my most beloved fighting franchise EVER. Needless to say, I am still * * * * ting bricks at the news.

 

So then I noticed she said she had to go sleep, and said "Ok then, good night! Just don't mind me while I drool at this picture for hours.". To this, she replied "Why don't you drool at some of my photos? Anyways, good night!". I said "Sweet dreams, my little potato!" (That's a name I used to call her that she loved).

 

Aaaaaand there she went. I've spent the last hour studying for an exam I have tomorrow and thank god it's easy as hell, 'cause I literally can't wait for tomorrow!

 

You know something? Everything is much nicer since I don't mind the bad things. When you think you can't live without your ex, everytime you think about them, you feel nostalgia. Everytime you see them, you feel fear.

 

When you realize that the only thing you need for your life to be complete is yourself (and, I won't lie, a healthy dose of Mike Haggar in MvC3. About time, too, because he hasn't been in a good game since Final Fight 3, and that was about 15 years ago!), when you accept that them being in your life will make you "happier" instead of "happy", when you think about them, you feel anticipation. Everytime you see them, you feel excitement.

 

Feels kind of like a christmas present. Feels kind of like playing as Mike Haggar again in like 15 years.

[MakeItCount]

*applauds*

 

Keep it up my friend. Good luck tomorrow!

[restlessgirl]

RE to bungalo- when my ex came begging back I didn't want to jinx it by coming on here and I bet most people are the same way & then forget the site aswell ! I don't read the other threads but this one I keep checking weekly because I'm all for self-improvement, which, at the end of the day, is way more important than attracting whoever. And my relationship was 3.5 yrs long before the breakup btw

[CrapAtNC]

You are happy, confident and don't have a care in the world. THAT'S what's going to attract people to you, be it your ex or someone else.

 

Exactamente!

 

She kept venting about the issue for some time, and I just kept listening. So she says "Look... I really don't want to come accross as possessive, I know I have no right to tell you what to do..." To which I said "Look, I think you should be a bit happier and not worry about stuff so much. You have a boyfriend now, and he's quite a nice guy. I wish you all the happiness in the world, so go for it, girl!".

 

. . .

 

She replied this: "I wish I didn't have a boyfriend". I must admit that this statement hit me like a wall of bricks. I couldn't help but overanalyze the subject for a second there, but I forced myself to not think about it and did my very best to remain nonchalant, but had a bit of a slip: I told her "It was your choice, wasn't it?". She replied: "Yeah..." in a very sad tone. I hope this didn't harm the situation too much.

 

. . .

 

I told her not to worry so much, and told her "I'll give you a bear hug if you behave like a good girl and try to be happier". She said OK, and mentioned she had to go sleep.

 

. . .

 

I had to gather a massive ammount of balls, but before she left, I said "Oh, hey! I'll probably be going for a walk on friday, since I'm a little sick of college exams. You should tag along and get some fresh air".

 

You have mastered it! You listened--just listened. That's exactly what they need. (Do be careful about wishing them all the best in their new relationship, though, as that can make them feel that you really don't want them, and the emptiness that can bring will of course send them into the arms of the new one).

 

It's fine (more than fine!) to remind her that this is her choice, not yours, and also not one that you would have chosen yourself, though you can see that it's been good for you to take a good look at yourself and fix what you had let slip before.

 

The hug move was great!

 

And you nailed the date suggestion! No questions. You're going anyway. She should tag along. Perfect!

 

Really happy to read how much better you're feeling, and how your ex is most likely realising that the new (old?) you is worth keeping.

 

You know something? Everything is much nicer since I don't mind the bad things. When you think you can't live without your ex, everytime you think about them, you feel nostalgia. Everytime you see them, you feel fear.

 

When you realize that the only thing you need for your life to be complete is yourself . . . when you accept that them being in your life will make you "happier" instead of "happy", when you think about them, you feel anticipation. Everytime you see them, you feel excitement.

 

The perfect sentiment! Something we can all refer back to should we forget what this is all about.

 

I don't read the other threads but this one I keep checking weekly because I'm all for self-improvement, which, at the end of the day, is way more important than attracting whoever.

 

Amen! (But, in brackets and a whisper, that's how we not only become more attractive but also attract the bigger fish).

[jellysandwich]

Not so good update ... My girlfriend talked to the ex (her best friend), and then told me a little bit of info. She asked me to attempt to reconnect with the ex to clear up the misunderstandings.

 

When I msged my ex, I got this:

 

 

 

So ummmm ... Apparently, I've messed up somewhere. I kind of knew she was getting frustrated by me not catering to her every whim, but I didn't expect this.

 

What do I remember ... I remember her calling me waaaay too early, so I didn't pick up. I remember her calling me when I didn't have my phone, so I didn't pick up. I remember her calling me and waking me up, so I wasn't in a talkative mood. I remember trying to set up a time to talk, but she said she was too busy to set something up so she would call me when she could.

 

And that's all I remember. Meh???????

 

I'm a little sad... not because I failed to reconnect with my ex, but because I've messed up somewhere and don't know what. In other words, what can I do differently in the future?

[MakeItCount]

SOunds to me like you played it off way too aloof man. Sure, she may have called you too early, but sometimes you gotta return the phone call. That's the danger with acting aloof, you gotta have a fine balance or they will think you really don't give a * * * * . I think you can TRY and call her, although an email might be smarter as it's doubtful she'll pick up. You could play it off exactly as you told us, and say you shoulda called her back. Don't apologize. Play it off as a minsunderstanding, that you were busy, etc.

 

I'd give it some time though, sounds like she's pissed off lol

[The_Seeker]

SOunds to me like you played it off way too aloof man. Sure, she may have called you too early, but sometimes you gotta return the phone call. That's the danger with acting aloof, you gotta have a fine balance or they will think you really don't give a * * * * . I think you can TRY and call her, although an email might be smarter as it's doubtful she'll pick up. You could play it off exactly as you told us, and say you shoulda called her back. Don't apologize. Play it off as a minsunderstanding, that you were busy, etc.

 

I'd give it some time though, sounds like she's pissed off lol

 

lol of course she pissed off.

 

the fact she's viet, Nam, you need to apologize to her and don't do it again.

[jellysandwich]

Hmmm, I did try to call her a few times at first, but she never picked up. Maybe I hesitated to call back because of that...

 

I will definitely give it some time, if she is still this emotional over me. Honestly, I didn't think she would still have such strong feelings for me; it's been such a long time since the breakup...

 

lol of course she pissed off.

 

the fact she's viet, Nam, you need to apologize to her and don't do it again.

 

Can you please elaborate? To be honest, I don't really know much about Vietnamese girls, as I was born in the US. I tell everybody I'm American.

[RandomNobody]

Okaaaaay... So, at noon, she tells me that in the end she isn't coming 'cause she's hanging out with her friends (since she said she'd be coming, I was obviously a little pissed off, but promptly forgot about it). Then she said that, if it was fine by me, we should hang out tomorrow morning. I told her I didn't know, and that I'd see what I could do.

 

So she comes back at midnight and tells me that after the went with the girls, she picked up her boyfriend from the place he works at.

 

She tells me they had a fight and that she was very pissed off, but that eventually they calmed down and went to an Otaku pub and played some PS3. Even though I acted as if nothing was wrong, I was madly pissed off at this. She says it'd be sick to hang out with me today, then says she can't 'cause, in the end, she changed her plans, then she goes and hangs out with her guy. Oh well.

 

So... Should I accept to hang out with her tomorrow morning? Even though I am hurt by the events of today, I honestly have nothing better to do tomorrow morning.

 

Your impressions, my friends? And let me thank you beforehand for your support. I don't know what i'd do without you guys!

[RandomNobody]

UPDATE:

Shiiiit..... What a god damned drama queen.

 

So she remembers I'll be leaving to the USA as soon as I graduate, and tells me she has just now realized that eventually she'll lose me for good.

 

Que in enormous ammounts of drama during which she says she's sorry for everything, that she's going to miss me, that she just doesn't want to accept that I'll have to go... But that's life, my friends!

 

She still says she's very confused and needs to think. Yet, she still won't leave this new guy. She even goes as far as saying she feels good around him, yet she says she doesn't feel what she felt for me.

 

She mentioned that, everytime she's gone out of a relationship, she's been ready to accept that she'll lose the guy (and damn she did, she forgot all her previous exes like a week after the breakup), yet, she says she just can't accept the thought of losing me. Bla bla bla bla.

 

She calls me and keeps on rambling about the same * * * * and I just listen. After she calms down, we chat about whatever for a while and then she goes to sleep.

 

This all happened very late in the night, so she said we'd probably not meet up in the morning. She said we should hang out in the afternoon though.

 

So, OK, I've decided I'll go. I just don't know how to act after all she's said. After she's said that she loves me a lot, that she'll miss me tons, that she just can't bear the thought of letting me go... Yet, she won't move a single finger about us.

 

What would you guys do in the meet up?

[piruru]

Oh god, oh god. I've only read the first couple of pages of this thread, but nonchalance makes so much sense!! He was so nonchalant the entire relationship, and this was what both frustrated and kept me attracted at the same time. I only wish I read this thread before my ex and I broke up. If I pulled back instead of getting wound up over things, it would've helped things. Now I've smothered him to the point where he doesn't even want anything to do with me, despite the fact that he says doesn't mind being friends.

 

Uggghhhh. Now I keep beating myself up over it. ](*,) What do I do now? How do I start? If I want to get started implementing this, would you recommend to read the whole thread? At the very least, I've started with NC after being weak and calling him a few times.

[pinktroll]

CrapatNC, I read this thread almost in its entirety in the first few weeks of my breakup, and it was really helpful for life. (Haven't gotten a chance to test it out on the ex because I'm on NC and apparently, he is too) You've helped so many people on here... how are you doing in life? With nonchalance, has it just become a way of life for you at this point? Update us!

[The_Seeker]

Hmmm, I did try to call her a few times at first, but she never picked up. Maybe I hesitated to call back because of that...

 

I will definitely give it some time, if she is still this emotional over me. Honestly, I didn't think she would still have such strong feelings for me; it's been such a long time since the breakup...

 

 

 

Can you please elaborate? To be honest, I don't really know much about Vietnamese girls, as I was born in the US. I tell everybody I'm American.

 

I tell everybody I'm Asian-American LOL yet I'm called Asian. Silly people.

 

I guess I grew up in a traditional household with an independent mind.

 

If you cross the line and don't show respect, you go adios.

[CrapAtNC]

CrapatNC, I read this thread almost in its entirety in the first few weeks of my breakup, and it was really helpful for life. (Haven't gotten a chance to test it out on the ex because I'm on NC and apparently, he is too) You've helped so many people on here... how are you doing in life? With nonchalance, has it just become a way of life for you at this point? Update us!

 

Ha! Thank you, pinktroll.

 

I'm rebuilding my life right now, after years and years of money troubles, drama, and broken relationships. Now that I don't let things affect me any more, everything just seems to fall into place, and I seem to have incredible fortune just fall into my lap all the time, including hooking up with a couple of women I'd previously only admired on the big screen or TV.

 

I make a point of giving people in my life a second chance but that's all; I work out who the motors are who help drive me towards the things I want for myself and also who the anchors are, and, with no exceptions, I cut anchors loose if they insist on being that way. It's been incredibly beneficial, because now I have nothing but good, supportive people in my life, and though I still want to help those I see with issues, I think I'm better off setting all of them an example rather than trying to help them directly (nonchalance is contagious--you will notice this; problem people become less so if you show you're unaffected by them).

 

I've realized that, although my incredible good fortune brings me so much, if I complement it with a more serious attitude towards achieving my goals, then I will soon be taking in the view from dizzying heights. Basically, I'm fixing all the things I want to change in my life, about me, about my situation, and about the kind of woman I have previously been drawn to.

 

And I'm happy. No stress. No major concerns. And that's mostly because I know that everything always works out for the better anyway, so I keep plugging away while allowing things to fall into their natural place.

 

So, yes, nonchalance has become a way of life, and I'm truly enjoying the benefits. Life is easier, less of an emotional roller-coaster, not so messy, and always heading upward. I intend to let myself slip a little when I meet the right woman, but only a little; it'll be a dance rather than a fight (or flight) scenario.

 

I'll let you know when that happens. No more models. No more celebs. I want and deserve someone who is down to earth, loyal, supportive . . . and doesn't mind sharing me with the dogs I save. ;-)

[askltk]

And I'm happy. No stress. No major concerns. And that's mostly because I know that everything always works out for the better anyway, so I keep plugging away while allowing things to fall into their natural place.

 

I'll let you know when that happens. No more models. No more celebs. I want and deserve someone who is down to earth, loyal, supportive . . . and doesn't mind sharing me with the dogs I save. ;-)

 

Glad to here your Happy Crap - it's something we all thrive to achieve! Please continue to supply us with your thought! Ha

[pinktroll]

This is great to hear, Crap! This is truly the way to live a simple, beautiful life, and I hope to be in your shoes someday. Baby steps.