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Nonchalance is Your Friend


CrapAtNC

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So, yesterday, I decided it was about time to have her realize that problems in the relationship weren't one-sided. She always took the whole ordeal very immaturely, always telling everybody I was the culprit.

 

So, I told her about it in a calm way, and always emphasizing that I was not angry, but rather dissapointed with her behavior.

 

At first, she took it well, and even apologized for what she had done wrong and said she now realized she was really acting like a little kid. So I took the opportunity to ler her know that this behavior she'd had for so long had almost done away with all my feelings towards her. She became very defensive this instant and quickly said she didn't feel anything for me anymore. However, she said, she enjoyed my company, and didn't want to lose me as a friend.

 

This is when I let the blunt truth come out: I told her I didn't like the kind of person she had become, and that I placed no value in a friendly relationship with her. That the best thing to do would be to stay away from each other, at least for a while.

 

At this very instant, she got really heated up and tried to escalate the whole thing into a back and forth argument. I simply said "Get back to me when you grow up a little bit. Take care" in a calm tone and hung up.

 

She quickly contacted my mutual friends about the issue, worried that I was mad and badmouthing her behind her back. Obviously, none of this was happening. She proceeded to tell our best mutual friend how much she hated me, that she never wanted to EVER see me again, and said that in the end, we simply didn't work out together. This last thing she said in a sad tone.

 

For now, since now I don't have to cope with her presence in my life and the feelings said presence constantly stirred up, I want to work in getting back 200% of my confidence and be a whole man by myself, once again. Instead of letting her have all the power in the relationship, I want to take this time exclusively to myself, to my enjoyment and my self-improvement, so that I can be confident once again.

 

Whenever I feel that I am, once again, someone who's 200% happy to be in his own shoes, I'll politely try to reconnect with her once again, and then, instead of "rekindling" our past, broken, malfunctioning romance, sparking a whole new one from the very beggining.

 

I think it won't be long until I can feel that I am my own rock, too. Having been able to handle this in a much more mature manner than her has made my confidence sky-rocket. I can already see the effects of the Nonchalance I am working so hard to achieve.

 

Also, I think that the hate that she swears she feels right now is probably the expression of the panic she feels now that she's no longer being held by her safety net. Now that she feels she's lost her control over me and our relationship. Things between us had started to get real cold, and she was constantly unavailable to hang out with ME, yet 100% available to hang out with everyone else. She probably felt she simply had me by the balls, and now that I have walked away on my own, she'd realizing what she once had.

 

Now that I am alone and pressure-free, allow me to take my chance to prove to the world that I have gold-plated balls of hardened steel, and won't be bothered by anyone or anything.

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For now, since now I don't have to cope with her presence in my life and the feelings said presence constantly stirred up, I want to work in getting back 200% of my confidence and be a whole man by myself, once again. Instead of letting her have all the power in the relationship, I want to take this time exclusively to myself, to my enjoyment and my self-improvement, so that I can be confident once again.

 

Whenever I feel that I am, once again, someone who's 200% happy to be in his own shoes, I'll politely try to reconnect with her once again, and then, instead of "rekindling" our past, broken, malfunctioning romance, sparking a whole new one from the very beggining.

 

The tone of your post is very serene. You are nearly there, sunshine, I can sense it. It's interesting that you say she was unavailable to you but available to everyone else. This is what I felt about my ex. We had a big chat the other day (him crying on my shoulder about girl problems of all things) and I said his unavailability made me realise that he really wasn't head over heels and that all I was was a safety net. We both know now that we love each other but not in the right way and we are better off apart. You may well feel this way when you get to 200%, and you may find that you lose all respect for her? You keep it up though, you sound like you are doing great!

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Absolutely. When we guys notice that there's no more drama, no more emotions running amok, and the lady seems to be just fine, then we can't help but be drawn to that confidence and lack of neediness.

 

haha.. i absolutely failed at non chalance a few weeks back.. absolutely failed and I realized it as I was doing it, but it was too late.. my emotions got the absolute best of me... BUT.. a good thing came out of it.. I will absolutely no longer chase at all, and it actually made me more into the "anger" phase of grieving our breakup... I was angry that I was doing certain things or having to do certain things that were so inconsistent with me!

 

Back on the horse I go!

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How does this thread relate to females? If the female is the dumpee, should we be just as non-chalant too?

 

It really does work Llama

I am trying to work it in my dating life now that I have gotten over my ex and realised I don't want him or need him back. I have found it has helped no end as I have abandonment issues which I am trying to overcome. It probably applies *more* to girls really, as it totally fits in with traditional male active / female passive roles. If you are chasing and trying to control, you are taking his job away. Let him come to you x

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It really does work Llama

I am trying to work it in my dating life now that I have gotten over my ex and realised I don't want him or need him back. I have found it has helped no end as I have abandonment issues which I am trying to overcome. It probably applies *more* to girls really, as it totally fits in with traditional male active / female passive roles. If you are chasing and trying to control, you are taking his job away. Let him come to you x

 

Word.

 

I definitely agree.

 

I went on a date and acting very nonchalant. It worked, but at the same time I was more myself.

 

Hehehe my ex is going to be toast.

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Just wanted to say I've been reading this thread (parts of it, its HUGE!) and I wish I had come accross this BEFORE me and BF split up....I think our problem was a combination of me not being nonchalant enough and him just being a crap BF lol, but I certainly would have had the confidence to end it sooner if I had been reading this a month or two ago!

 

Good Luck to everyone involved! Xxx

 

Mrs Popsicle

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Word.

 

I definitely agree.

 

I went on a date and acting very nonchalant. It worked, but at the same time I was more myself.

 

Hehehe my ex is going to be toast.

 

How did your date go? Do you see potential to maybe move on completely from your ex and perhaps like this guy even more?

 

I date, but I just can't seem to feel anything... I do all these comparisons and other boys don't match up. It scares me!

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How did your date go? Do you see potential to maybe move on completely from your ex and perhaps like this guy even more?

 

I date, but I just can't seem to feel anything... I do all these comparisons and other boys don't match up. It scares me!

 

Hi nanana!

 

My first date with my guy friend went very well! LOL It lasted the same amount of time as with my ex.

 

If you want to read the story I'll just post you my journal. LOL I don't want to hijack the thread from CrapAtNC! ;] Right CrapAtNC?

 

 

 

I absolutely do see a potential to move on because I went STRICT NC right after the breakup. We did have a 2 weeks break. He wanted to take a break. But I waited 2 weeks to see his true character. Damn, he is a very good actor. I did send him a text that I wanted us to go out to dinner. Next morning I sent him a breakup text before I had in for work. It was last minute. I don't care if it's a wrong way to break up with someone but I DIDN'T WANT TO. So I am technically the dumper but emotionally the dumpee.

 

My guy friend is more interested in me than I am to him. It's probably because I'm still quite attached to my first. Me and my ex was like love at first sight. However, my guy friend told me when he saw me the first time and got to know me a few weeks later that he had a crush on me but found out I gotten into a relationship with my ex. So he stood by my side as a friend but he never crossed the line and boundaries. I have so much respect for this guy because he knows his boundaries and not to cross a line. Props to him!

 

I did meet him at the same time as I met my ex. They were both college seniors. They did not know each other because they are in different majors. My guy friend was the same major as I was and that's how I met him.

 

The troubling is that my guy friend and my ex are friends on FB. I have a feeling there's going to drama, jealousy, and hate if I get into a relationship with my guy friend. But you know what? My ex let me go. He can say a lot of crap all he wants.

 

Why?

 

Because it's my life. I'm living my life. Not for him.

 

To the people who strongly were passionate about their ex, do not put your life on hold for them. Move forward. Date others. You will see how you should be treated and WHAT a relationship should be.

 

It's not about improving your self-esteem, it's more like becoming a better you by having a better life.

 

When you go on a date, enjoy the company, nanana. I know it's easier said than done. However, most importantly, create lots of friendships. Meet new people. That's what I'm going to do when I have a better job while still be in a relationship. Because in the end, love life can be swept away. Friendships can too but there are people who care a lot about you.

 

My guy friend was there for me all the time and he was there when my ex and I broke up even though he had stronger feelings for me and I didn't know. He said he didn't want to tell me because he didn't know how I react. I told him I was different from the rest and I would of respect him and that we don't cross the line. Anyway, getting to the point, when you SEE and HEAR when someone SEES and HEARS you, that is the person you should take a chance with and let the feelings develop. Friends first or not, it depends how the person treat you.

 

LOL I hope that makes sense. If not, I'm sorry.

 

Hahaha, sorry for the long message. I tend to go on a tangent!

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When you go on a date, enjoy the company, nanana. I know it's easier said than done. However, most importantly, create lots of friendships. Meet new people. That's what I'm going to do when I have a better job while still be in a relationship. Because in the end, love life can be swept away. Friendships can too but there are people who care a lot about you.

 

Wholeheartedly agree. And Nanana, the first few people I dated I didn't really feel anything for, and it made me think that I had locked my heart up in a box and I had lost the potential to love. The last person I dated, the strength of my feelings totally shocked me. I felt a stronger initial bond with him than any of my exes. Silly me though, after 3rd date, started overthinking and being paranoid and scared and he seems to have backed off in the week or so since our 4th date... but I always bounce back (as do we all!!!!!!) and am determined not to go down the needy path again!! I haven't texted him today after he didn't respond to my last one last night... but he knows where I am: sat atop this pedestal where I belong ;-) If he can't be bothered to climb up and say hello, then that's his problem! People come into our lives for a reason, and if he has only entered my life to make me realise I have the potential to love again, then it has been totally worth it.

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Thanks for agreeing with me! LOL I learned a lot after my first breakup.

 

As for that guy, let him contact you. It's okay to be needy because you know what you need and want. But know how to control. If he's not making you happy, you make yourself happy by doing your own thing. You feel refresh when you meet him again, and he'll be like "O_o; a moment ago you were unhappy, how did she get happy again?" It lifts the weight off his shoulders.

 

I hope you have a better relationship than your last.

 

LOL People are funny. They go back and forth in our life like the wind.

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As for that guy, let him contact you. It's okay to be needy because you know what you need and want. But know how to control. If he's not making you happy, you make yourself happy by doing your own thing. You feel refresh when you meet him again, and he'll be like "O_o; a moment ago you were unhappy, how did she get happy again?" It lifts the weight off his shoulders.

 

I hope you have a better relationship than your last.

 

LOL People are funny. They go back and forth in our life like the wind.

 

Thanks for that!!

 

Guess what? I received a random text today out of the blue saying 'Love ya Toots x' to which I replied 'I know x' to which he replied 'You sure do x'.

 

How bizarre. Will just have to wait for him to ask me out on date 5 now I guess.....

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Thanks for that!!

 

Guess what? I received a random text today out of the blue saying 'Love ya Toots x' to which I replied 'I know x' to which he replied 'You sure do x'.

 

How bizarre. Will just have to wait for him to ask me out on date 5 now I guess.....

 

X as in your ex? Right? Or is it the guy you're dating?

 

Knowing me I would just send him this " lol"

 

LOL Don't wait for him. Go out yourself.

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X as in your ex? Right? Or is it the guy you're dating?

 

Knowing me I would just send him this " lol"

 

LOL Don't wait for him. Go out yourself.

 

Guy I'm dating lol. Currently sat in my ex's house talking about him. Funny how things turn out!!

 

Any suggestions of a nonchalant way of asking / suggesting this guy ask me out??? Don't want to act like he has dropped me a crumb and I am being greedy.... plus I want him to earn his date ;-)

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Guy I'm dating lol. Currently sat in my ex's house talking about him. Funny how things turn out!!

 

Any suggestions of a nonchalant way of asking / suggesting this guy ask me out??? Don't want to act like he has dropped me a crumb and I am being greedy.... plus I want him to earn his date ;-)

 

If my guy friend did that to me when I want another date with him,

 

LOL Then I wouldn't ask or suggest him asking me out at all. I would go out myself by having plans of my own when he calls I'll tell him I have other plans, which I do already.

 

Stick with your plan. I'm pretty sure he would ask you out again next time when you do that.

 

People might disagree with me. LOL But that's what I would do.

 

Warning, Kate, I'm not a dating expert.

 

LOL I've been only one relationship so far, and dated 3 guys so far.

 

The first one became my ex.

 

The second one became that guy I don't want.

 

The third guy I'm dating is my guy friend. LOL We're not in relationship just yet.

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Any suggestions of a nonchalant way of asking / suggesting this guy ask me out??? Don't want to act like he has dropped me a crumb and I am being greedy.... plus I want him to earn his date ;-)

 

Tell him you hope he doesn't think he's going to get a date with you. Because you have a rule about dating guys with [insert something he has here, and it really can be anything: a blue car?] It's just one of the rules you have for yourself. With a smile. Just any way to mention dating without saying "Let's date." Puts the idea in his head and actually makes him think he was thinking of asking you out. Works like magic. That's how I got the beautiful celebrity. ;-)

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Tell him you hope he doesn't think he's going to get a date with you. Because you have a rule about dating guys with [insert something he has here, and it really can be anything: a blue car?] It's just one of the rules you have for yourself. With a smile. Just any way to mention dating without saying "Let's date." Puts the idea in his head and actually makes him think he was thinking of asking you out. Works like magic. That's how I got the beautiful celebrity. ;-)

 

LOL Interesting. Good one. LOL I'll try that on my guy friend. Ha ha!

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Tell him you hope he doesn't think he's going to get a date with you. Because you have a rule about dating guys with [insert something he has here, and it really can be anything: a blue car?] It's just one of the rules you have for yourself. With a smile. Just any way to mention dating without saying "Let's date." Puts the idea in his head and actually makes him think he was thinking of asking you out. Works like magic. That's how I got the beautiful celebrity. ;-)

 

Hmm.... do you think this would work bearing in mind we have already had 4 dates? I can imagine it would work like a charm for a first date!

 

Oh, and he does have a blue car - synchronicity...

 

x

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Hey CrapatNC, been following this thread and I have a question. Say your a girl and you want the guy to a bit of the 'chasing' and you're in a relationship with them already.....would the same principles apply?

 

I ended my relationship after my guy wasn't really making any effort, and after reading the thread, I think that maybe a bit of nonchalance may have kicked him into gear a bit? I'm not talking about game-playing, I just think that some of the behaviours I indulged in (nagging, complaining etc) to get a bit of attention are eerily similar to some of the 'break-up' behaviours you described earlier in the thread. What are your thoughts?

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Mrs Popsicle, it's great that you have realised what you could have done differently. For certain, nagging and complaining will not make someone love or appreciate you more, but creating a little more distance, through a little less availability and a bit more aloofness (along with a flirty smile) will bring them running. I know, because I begged my ex to love me (literally . . . in my not-so-nonchalant days, of course), and it only pushed her away. But when I gave her something to chase, she was the one who came begging.

 

And to others who have been moping after their exes, make sure you look like you're happily moving on. Today, for the first time since we broke up more than 18 months ago, my celebrity ex posted a comment on one of my Facebook updates, with a little joke and some genuine concern about me (I got hit by a car today; not a biggie). And it just happens to be the same day I've had a big smile on my face throughout because of a cute young woman who I hooked up with last night. The phenomenon is real: they really are drawn to us again when they sense we are happily moving on. They don't even need to be shown; they really do sense it. Don't ask me how . . .

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