"i cant move on from you, but i dont want to go back out with you."

[Daria_Lane]

No offence but Im sincerely fed up with this saga

 

He asked for NC saying that YOU ARE NOT GOOD FOR HIM so leave him alone! Gosh! Ignore any stupid text he makes and stop asking what they mean. They donbt mean anything. HE DOESNT WANT TO BE WITH YOU. Does he have to tattoo it to your head before you understand? Then again you'd probably find an excuse to say he made a tattoo of it "out of love" Ugh

 

Stop RESPONDING. Ignore him. Remove him for IMs, EVERYTHING and never reply his garbage again.

 

Maybe you even get off on torturing youyrself. Tons of fetishes out there.

 

anyway Im out.

[lady00]

Stop being "polite" and just ignore him from now on. Problem solved. It's not easy to heal from this, but I think at this point, it does require you to cut him out of your life completely. Don't respond to him. Every time you post an update, I do read it fully, and I come to the same conclusion: nothing has changed. He still does not want a relationship and he still insists on telling you he doesn't want contact and then contacting you anyway. He is clearly acting very oddly but from your other posts in this thread it does seem like your thoughts about him are obsessive...this is helping neither of you. If he wants you back, he will let you know loud and clear. If in the future he decides he wants a relationship with you and you're not completely fed up with his weird post-breakup behavior and still want him back, he will be persistent and he will try more than once to get that message accross. Don't worry about being polite to your ex. He is not treating you with the type of courtesy you deserve (which is him not contacting you and letting you get on with your life!) so you need to stop responding to him and worrying about being polite and just go NC, cold turkey.

[orchidrose]

If he treats you like this, you have 2 choices:

1) Ignore him,

or 2) Respond in kind

 

Since responding in kind is both juvenile and seemingly impossible for you to do, given your eagerness to treat him politely and friendly, then number 1 is the best option. You don't let someone who treats you like this continue to do so.

 

I don't care if he's confused, I don't care if he is insane, I don't care if he's your ex, your mother, or the ruler of the universe. Hunny, I agree that he has issues. At the very least he is extraordinarily confused about how he feels about you. But by continuing to contact him and LETTING HIM CONTACT YOU, you are not justifying his behavior. You're just torturing yourself and exhibiting behavior that's just as bizarre as his.

[diamond78]

Hunny,

 

I still think he is very confused about his feelings for you, and your "polite" responses aren't helping the situation. If it was me, I would let him know "Look, it seems that you don't understand exactly what you feel about me, so I'm going to give you time to find that out, and I won't be responding to anything for 30 days. I'm not doing this because I don't care about you, I'm doing it because I do care about you, and I want you to have this time to clear your head." That's just my opinion, though, and that and $2.50 buys you a Sunday paper.

 

 

Ooohhh..I really like this suggestion.

 

This guy is a confused hot mess! His tactics are getting weirder and weirder as time goes on. It feels like he is going back and forth from being angry with you to loving you again.

 

I would leave him alone so that he can get back to a better place mentally, and to also further prevent yourself from going up and down this emotional rollercoaster ride.

 

I don't think you guys are ready for anything right now...reconciliation or friendship. Too many emotions, resentments, confusions, and anger.

 

You guys need some serious distance and silence between the two of you.

 

Oh, one more thing...I think his meeting up with you a couple weeks back really did a number on him. I don't think he was emotionally/mentally prepared for it and it's been downhill ever since.

[Hunny1607307342]

Hi everyone

 

Thank you ALL for your advice thus far, i haven't been able to post on here because im having such a great time in paris and i seriously couldnt recommend anything better for someone in a messed up place TAKE A BREAK... i needed to get away from home and being here makes me realise just how much i needed it.

As a result ive not cared about his messages so much. He has texted me since then, he asked me how its going in Paris.. I didnt respond initially as you suggested but a day later i just dropped him a quick to the point message (he gets mad when i dont reply and that puts us on bad terms, which makes me feel uncomfortable). He then said 'I wish you replied sooner...i would have been on my way over there.. i have a fever now though".

I said get well soon and left it at that , ok im fine , youre all right, hes mad , nuts, confused and very unstable.

nothing i can do about that he needs to sort himself out then come and talk to me ina couple of months or so.

[Batya33]

For your health I would move on completely - because when you let yourself do the "couple of months or so he'll come talk to me" you seem to twist that into giving yourself excuses to respond to his messages or talk to him. Clean break required here - and that is because of how you have behaved, how he has behaved, because of your pattern of rationalization and self- and other-denial. Not "a couple of months" "when" he gets his act together. Get your act together, move on, and don't have a place marker of "in a couple of months he'll call" because you are the type who will hang on to that in an unhealthy way.

[orchidrose]

I'm with you, Batya.

[Hunny1607307342]

He contacted me again last night. invited me to a friends art exhibition which is next week. he knows im stil in france bt he doesnt know when im coming back.

this sucession of contact since our big talk is beginning to make me wonder. does he want me back??

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If he wanted you back he would tell you plainly that he wants you back. It sounds to me like he is just keeping you on a string and messing with your mind. I would suggest, like others have said, that you tell him that since he doesn't want a relationship with you then you need to cut him out of your life so you can heal. The way things are now, you are not letting go...every little contact from him is making you hopeful...that is what dumpers typically do...they don't let go even though they don't want a relationship with the dumpee...they just want the security of knowing that the dumpee is around dancing to their tune. It is an ego boost.

[rokston]

i completely agree with Batya & Crazyaboutdogs. move on and give yourself a chance to find happiness. you're stuck in a destructive pattern with the ex and won't let go of the idea that he wants to be with you and is subliminally informing you (and himself). i'm sorry to say so but the fact remains that he doesn't. only reconsider this if he makes an open move!!!

[Daria_Lane]

lol the same dude that basically called you toxic uinvited you out and you think he wants you back?

 

Obviously he's bipolar of some degree

 

You should go. Maybe if he freaks out on you at the art exhibition, you'll finally get it.

[Daria_Lane]

(he gets mad when i dont reply and that puts us on bad terms, which makes me feel uncomfortable).

 

Yet you werent uncomfortable when he pretty much said he didnt want to have anything to do with you. Obviously you dont care about yourself.

[orchidrose]

Hunny, please don't keep this up.. you need to think about you now. Any sort of contact with him is not allowing you to do that, and you are just deceiving yourself if you think he will want you back at any point.

[renaissancewoman101]

Daria Lane, you are being a bit mean to the OP.

 

Hunny, I do think your ex is toying with your feelings to get an ego boost. But I do understand how hard that is to let him go.

[Daria_Lane]

maybe i just dont understand how after everything she could still be asking "does he want me back"

 

It's one thing if she had one of those exes that are justy generally "nice guys" who you never really know if they are just saying things cos they are just generally nice people liek Cat's ex or even mine and a few others around here

 

Hers is an obvious jerk. She needs to wake up before she truly embarrasses herself

[Litgirl01]

Where did hunny go??

[Daria_Lane]

hopefully enjoying France to the fullest

[lady00]

He contacted me again last night. invited me to a friends art exhibition which is next week. he knows im stil in france bt he doesnt know when im coming back.

this sucession of contact since our big talk is beginning to make me wonder. does he want me back??

 

Sorry, I have to say inviting you to an exhibition does not in any way hint that he wants you back. He knows about your interest in art and you invited him to your exhibit so he's probably just inviting you because he thinks you might enjoy it. I would guard against reading into things. If he wants you back, he will let you know. He would likely ask you to meet with him, just the two of you, to discuss it.

[Hunny1607307342]

Hiii

im having the most amazing time in france.

im not doing anything self-destructive by having these thoughts- its not exactly something that can be helped.

hes definitely not a jerk , he just has a very torn heart and a lot of problems in his life.

i am pissed off at him for the jerk-type things he's done , but i get over things really quickly ,especially when i KNOW someone really well.

 

All im saying is, since he said he wants no contact, its almost like hes been super desperate to know what im up to, what im doing. All the time.

He may not want me back plain and simple, which is what all you guys are saying, which i do agree with. But not everything is always plain and simple. The way hes sooo interested in my life and the way he cares about me, and the fact i still have some sort of affect on him to want to talk to me, im just suggesting it could mean that part of him wants me back, on some level.

im not saying im going to stop my life and wait for this man, im just saying that its not always an all or nothing situation, and who knows what could happen in the future.

[Batya33]

Yes, if you want a man who partially wants you back -- see if they have some cheap valium in France in bulk, make sure you can afford intensive therapy because a man who partially wants you back - if that is true (my guess is he is contacting you because his ego wants to make sure that if he ever decides he wants to be with you, you'll not have moved on to someone else and he also LOVES knowing that you're still interested) - then be prepared to continue the emotional rollercoaster, including constantly feeling like you're auditioning to be back in the girlfriend role - until he goes on a real -not partial - date with someone who knocks his socks off and you are left still just as or more attached.

 

It's up to you - you can't control your feelings but you can control how you react to your feelings.

[Litgirl01]

And send some of that valium to me!!!!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If a couple really wants a child, being almost pregnant is useless...that pretty much sums up this notion of part of him wanting you back on some level. Totally pointless. The only thing that counts is DEFINITELY wanting you back and taking the clear steps to make that happen. The way it is playing out now, it is like ALMOST pregnant.

[lady00]

If a couple really wants a child, being almost pregnant is useless...that pretty much sums up this notion of part of him wanting you back on some level. Totally pointless. The only thing that counts is DEFINITELY wanting you back and taking the clear steps to make that happen. The way it is playing out now, it is like ALMOST pregnant.

 

I like that analogy a lot. I think it really explains things well. When it comes to relationships, almost just doesn't cut it. Both people need to be fully committed...isn't that what was so beautiful about the past relationship, Hunny? I think that as tough as it is, you really need to...in a firm but kind way, stand up for yourself and not take scraps here and there...if a full-blown relationship is what you want, don't settle for less. If friendship is what you truly want, then hang out with him and build a friendship together, both of you putting in equal effort to make the friendship work. Decide what you want and do what makes the most sense to get it. However, if you want something that will only work if he wants it too and he does not want it or isn't as committed to it as you are, it won't happen.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

There are some people who are truly so selfish and narcissistic that they will jerk you around forever if you let them. He can't commit to be with you, but he doesn't want to commit to not being with you either, in case he needs you for something or gets bored or needs a little ego boost or whatever.

 

So this see-sawing behavior isn't necessarily progress towards the goal of getting back together. It is just the see-sawing he does based on his need of the moment. What is very predictable is that he ISN'T getting back together with you, just having these random contacts (or no contacts) based on his mood du jour.

 

So you are seeing a goal (getting back together) and he is not seeing beyond what he wants to do this day or that day or next week. Be very careful because this see-saw pattern will whiplash you around as long as you let it. If you want a steady relationship, this guy doesn't seem to be capable of it.

 

I've dated a guy like this before and he broke my heart a million times before i figured out this is how he wants to live, back and forth, with lots of different women. He doesn't live anywhere but the moment, so there is no real future with him. I eventually got sick of it and jumped off the see-saw, but the most he ever admitted was that he was 'moody' and he was selfish didn't want to commit to anything since it cramped his style and didn't leave his options open. He didn't want to commit to breaking up either because that meant a door was closed to him, so i was the one who finally had to close that door and refuse to let him in for more heartbreak.

[Hunny1607307342]

you're probably right about the reasons for which he contacts me, im not arguing with you at all. its probably some sort of ego-boost on one level, and i dont think he has the mentality of wanting to get back together with me.

 

All i meant by the whole 'he wants me back on some level' is that due to the way he is acting, maybe one day things could change, because the fact that we are on stable levels of contact now is SOMETHING. 'My 'goal' is not getting back together with him, because its way too ambitious- frankly i feel like im a million miles away from anything like that happening. But i guess my goal is to get him to trust me again. Whether that leads to getting back together or not is irrelevant, i just know i really broke him by treating him badly when we used to go out because i wasnt mature enough to understand the way a relationship works. And the way he backed away after we broke up broke my heart, and he made me realise (through our long talk last week/2 weeks ago) how afraid he is to put himself out there again. I just want to show him that I've changed, and once he sees that then i'll be glad. Half the reason i was so broken hearted about us not being together is because once and for all i wanted to show him things would be different between us because im different - but i never had that chance because all he did was act like a cold turkey.

 

Now he is finally starting to open up to me more comfortably and talk to me with more ease- i dont want to spoil that by telling him not to contact me anymore.

 

I know you guys all think this is so toxic etc. such a jerk, and im such an idiot for not ending contact once and for all etc.etc. but ever since ive come over here to france he's been texting me every single day asking me how i am, how im feeling about everything that goes on over here, and to send him photos.

The last time he has ever been this nice to me was 7 months ago. That's a LONG time.

All i have experienced is an ice cold and bitter ex for the past 7 months, who then went a bit nuts and confused (as you experienced) and who is now actually being really nice. IT doesn't matter whether it means anything, or whether he is still a confused person (he probably is) but what really matters to me is that he is finally willing to put our negative history behind us, forgive me for mistakes i made in the past.

This means so much to me, and i really dont think it is a bad thing. you'll probably say its stopping me from moving on, but i dont think thats a problem. im young, i have the rest of my life to move on, so i dont see what the rush is.

i want to work on this friendship and if anything becomes of it then its great, (because i do think it was true love) but if it doesn't, at least i know i worked on a friendship in order to win back his trust. And with my trust won back, and he still doesnt want me, then i'll feel less bad about it. i'm used to the idea of him not being my boyfriend by now anyway.