"i cant move on from you, but i dont want to go back out with you."

[renaissancewoman101]

I know a lot of people won't understand how you feel about working things out and saying there is time for other things, because you are still young. But, I understand truly how you feel, and I urge you to go for it, if you truly believe in it.

[Batya33]

From your posts it seems clear that you are not used to him not being your boyfriend and in trying to be his friend there will be a major part of you that is hoping for more. And that is what is toxic, both your denial and that kind of behavior.

 

But, given your behavior and reactions so far, you seem to prioritize contact with him, whether positive or negative, over your own emotional health and your own capacity to move on.

 

And, ironically, staying in contact with him will have the opposite effect - he is treating you disrespectfully and if you tolerate it he will continue to disrespect you. Disrespect isn't usually a turn on whether for friendship or otherwise. If you stay away and assert boundaries such that if he wants to be in contact with you he has to state clearly that he wants you back and wants to do what it will take to get the privilege of having you back in his life, then he may respect you and then if he comes back it will be as someone who respects you. At least, I would think you'd want that in your life as opposed to how he treats you now, but I'm starting to wonder.

 

Right now your "beliefs" are driven by your continued attachment to him and your unwillingness to hear his clear message to you that he does not want you in his life as his girlfriend. You know that you would not be happy to hear that he had fallen in love with and committed to someone else. In fact, it would make you sick. thereforeeee, until you can at least be ok with that scenario, being his so-called "friend" makes little sense - from a perspective of health. From a perspective of neediness and fear of being alone, it does.

[lady00]

I guess my next question is: why are you so concerned with being his friend and with winning back his trust? My experience with friendships with exes is that they happen naturally over time if both people know how to treat each other as friends and are kind to each other. It sounds like he is all over the place right now and not really being all that kind, at least not in a consistent reliable way. I think it's normal to want to be liked and to not want to be mistrusted, especially by someone who was important in your life but, not to sound harsh, I think you are kidding yourself if you think this type of contact (with him being really erratic--nice one minute--telling you to buzz off the next) combined with your desire to win his trust back is not going to prevent you from moving on. I think that whole process will end up taking energy away from your other pursuits in life (and I'm not just talking about relationships). That is just my opinion.

[lady00]

I do also think there is an element of denial here...are you really truly going to be happy if this turns into just friendship?

[Hunny1607307342]

i AM used to him not being my boyfriend.

Obviously when new things occur which are related to him it does give me a jolt.

 

im not saying im OVER him - clearly im not over him.

 

I'm just used to him not being my boyfriend , so what im saying is its not like my friendship with him would lead for any expectation of reconciliation . i just like hearing from him when he sends me nice messages as he has done recently. it makes me happy.

if he ever said anything about us getting back together it would SHOCK me - i would be SHOCKED. So how can you say im anticipating us getting back together?

its really not that simple.

i just want to work on a friendship . start fresh with this person to an extent.

its not like we can control our hearts- you dont have to make it sound like such an awful thing!

[renaissancewoman101]

maybe she is doing this because it is better to have him in some way in his life, vs him completely out of his life.

 

Don't criticize me, I'm just going on what she is saying, and from some of my own past experiences.

 

Sometimes, you just learn to overcome your wishes and bitterness and learn to deal with having them in your life as friends, even as they go out and date.

 

Hunny, I do understand how you feel.

[lady00]

its not like we can control our hearts- you dont have to make it sound like such an awful thing!

 

I don't think anyone can or should try to control their feelings or force their feelings to change. I just don't think it can happen. But a person can choose how they behave. I hope you do realize that people here actually are trying to help you, not attack your feelings. We care and want you to be happy. And those that don't...I think they are few and far between on ENA.

[Batya33]

It's not an awful thing. You can't control your heart but you can control your reaction. And the reaction to still having feelings for someone who recently broke up with you and who treats you with ambivalence and disrespect should be to stay away to avoid risking even more of your heart. It is of concern that you are continuing to make excuses to stay in contact in that situation. it's unhealthy.

[Hunny1607307342]

Its not taking me away from my persuits in life- i wouldnt let it go that far as to destruct my life.

im actually thinking of coming over to france for the entire summer to work here because it takes me away from him and everything to do with him.

dont think im not trying to do positive things- im just not going to shut that door on him,i can't do that. i'm willing to see where that takes me whether it be bad good or whatever.

[Hunny1607307342]

aND yes he has treated me badly but we all do stupid things to/with/about our exes and im willing to put any crap behind me.

Because i've been just as bad as him in the past, so im not the one to hold a grudge.

 

Also its not like the break up is 'fresh'. its 6 months old..

[lady00]

You mentioned that you're not over him yet. Have you considered taking time away, doing NC, letting him know you are doing it, and then revisiting this when you are over him? I'm guessing at that point, you'd have a better perspective on whether you want to be friends and then if you do, you can re-initiate contact and proceed from there.

[Hunny1607307342]

Well i did a whole period of NC and then like a period of LC , etc. did lots of things in my life but nothing really changed the fact that hes an amazing person.

 

im not going to lie , i am not over him completely. But im used to the idea of not being with him and i can handle it. im not as unstable as i used to be, really.

Anyway, i never iniate contact, i just simply respond when he contacts, and i think hes intelligent enough to know not to make a habit of it unless he wants me back- so it will only be Limited Contact.

[Batya33]

How long did you do complete no contact? From your posts here it doesn't sound like you've been able to handle limited contact without reading into what he says a desire to be with you again.

[Hunny1607307342]

You can think what you like but i dont think everything he says is a ploy for him to get me back. im naturally an analyser and just because i analyse things it doesn't mean im like 'oh my gosh he said hello to me he wants to be with me again'.

I may have had many thoughts upon what he has said on various occasions but like i said, i would be SHOCKED if i ever found out he wants to be with me again.

For the first 2 months of our break up we didnt speak text call at all.

[Batya33]

I am just going on the many posts you have written and my interpretation, which others seem to agree with.

 

good luck!

[Hunny1607307342]

thanks, i'l let you know how it goes!

[lady00]

i would be SHOCKED if i ever found out he wants to be with me again.

 

Ok, so then you must really be seeking friendship. I think that that comes when both people act consistently and in a friendly way toward each other and also when both people are over the other person. And it takes time. But it's certainly possible. I don't think it requires as much work to regain someone's trust as it would if your goal were to reconcile...so that's good...it shouldn't take as long and require as much from you to become his friend...but he has to want it to and be consistent about it. It can happen though, I've seen it happen. It takes patience, time and kindness from both ends. Again, if it were me, I would have to wait until I was over the person to try to be friends...I've tried it otherwise and it never worked for me. But maybe it will work for you. I don't know.

[Daria_Lane]

Hunny

 

If he werre to tell you now that e's seeing someone, or if you were to bump into him and his new girl. Would you still try hard to be "friends" with him

 

Be truthful.

[Hunny1607307342]

when i imagine it in my head its nothing i cant handle i guess- sure id be jealous. but thats got to fade at some point.

and anyways, i guess i'll just have to see what its like when it happens.

all i know is that im a lot happier nowadays than when wasnt very nice to me.

[Hunny1607307342]

its funny reading old threads.

 

lol the same dude that basically called you toxic uinvited you out and you think he wants you back?

 

Obviously he's bipolar of some degree

 

You should go. Maybe if he freaks out on you at the art exhibition, you'll finally get it.

[lady00]

Hi Hunny,

 

Are you guys officially back together? I remember you had a very productive talk in which he said he wanted to reunite...

[Hunny1607307342]

Hi lady00 yes we are officially back together now the day after we had that productive talk we sort of took things from there ! its been a couple of weeks now, not long i know, but i really feel like our time apart over the past 6 months has taught us a lot, and im so cautious in making sure i dont get back into the same old habits that broke us up.

 

i come and go out of the city and he sometimes calls me and we end up talking for 2/3 hours and inevitabley the time in between does come up, and we're just very honest about our feelings in certain circumstances when, at the time, we had no idea what the other was thinking.

 

So yeah its turned out pretty well, after some weird emotions! It turned around and i think it goes to show you cant always jump to rash conclusions. And for those who havent read the follow up to this thread -

 

 

 

I think factors involved in us getting back together were that:

1) i stopped being the needy dumpee

2) i demonstrated maturity with actions more so than words

3) we never broke up due to another PERSON getting in the way. we broke up because LIFE got in the way. (well kind of).

4) Love plays a biggest part in potential reconciliation if it is 100% genuine.

[Batya33]

I agree with your list - very wise! - especially the first two. I don't think the third is that relevant - "life" is a huge concept and often it's no easier to reconcile than if there was another person involved.

 

Glad it's all going well.

[gee]

Hunny, God bless you!

[EyesOnThePrize]

Hunny - Best of luck. I think if you want to succeed, you need to keep working on moving forward and not slip back into old patterns that doomed you the first time.