"i cant move on from you, but i dont want to go back out with you."

[Hunny1607307342]

so i had the talk.

after months and months we finally talked about everything.

 

he told me hes going to be completely honest , and he was concerned about me getting hurt but i was like seriously, thats not a problem

so anyway he said- i put him through too much for him to be able to trust and go back out with me. i tried to show him the ways in which i have changed, and explain how i have changed, and he seemed to believe me on the whole because i related them to examples. but nevertheless, it was no where near enough to make him be willing to trust me again.

 

he explained a few things though. he told me why he suddenly flips out. he says its because hes paranoid that i'll annoy him again, even when im not doing anything wrong. he said its really not my fault, but just that he's scared that i will cause problems for him.

also because he says it depresses him to talk to me too much.

then he said-

" I dont know why, but i can't move on. im in the best situation that a guy could be in. i hate to say this to you because i dont want to hurt you but im just telling you the truth, there are girls who are throwing themselves at me. they are nice and theyre pretty, but i just cant move on. i dont really get it. its not because im still into you , its just i dont have the capacity to move on. its an annoying feeling , because i want to be able to move on. But i cant. and every time i hear from you, or someone mentions you, i ALWAYS want to know what you are doing, and how you are doing. this is the reason why i need to cut you out completely, its not because im being a bastard, its because it might mean that im one step closer to being able to move on".

 

What do you guys make of this?? I personally figured that it must mean he still loves me, but that i abused his trust so much that he sees me as a toxic person. i did ask him if there is a chance for us in the future (just so i know how extreme his views are on me) and he said its an impossible question to answer. at least he didnt say no :S. he texted me later that day to ask me how i am feeling about everything and to try and make me feel better about him mentioning the 'meeting new people' situation, saying that i'll find someone i can connect with etc. that i shouldnt be sad. when i told him i connected with him his response was "dont say that, it depresses me". its almost like this guy still has feelings for me but he really doesnt WANT to.

 

Is there any hope for us in the future? I mean im not going to contact him for a very long time, like he said. But i thought maybe in summer when he has less on his plate, it wouldnt hurt to hang out again sometimes. hmm.

[CatsMeeoow]

I think like we have all been saying you both need some time and distance from each other.

 

The more you badger him now... the more you push him into the "never again" side.

 

However, if you just leave him be to sort out his feelings... and it really sounds like that he is thinking about everything he may realize that the problems have been with him and not with you and he may want to work on these issues and reestablish with you.

 

I know it sounds weird and hard but DON"T be his sounding board... believe it or not the convo you just had with him makes it easier to move on away from you.

 

He just admitted he wonders and thinks of you... if you become LESS accessable he will think of you more it's just human nature. But, if you have a two hour IM with him he's just settled his curiosity and moved on.

 

Give him the gift of really missing you. Stop all contact... it will really help the both of you.

 

Hugs and Good Luck

[enchiladaman]

I can totally relate to what he is saying. First of all I think he loves you and probably misses having you in his life at times, but has also realized that for whatever reason, you and him were having problems and the relationship just simply didn't work out. There was too much conflict between the two of you to continue on with the relationship.

 

I felt similar feelings to the girl who I had a long term relationship in college. I loved her. We got along great. We had a lot of fun times together. But we also did have a lot of up and downs and ultimately I knew I couldn't handle it in the long run so I had to cut it off. This didn't mean I was over her. I'd go out and meet other girls but they just weren't what I was used to and comfortable with...but still I knew that I had to go on. I would have loved to have hung out with her as a friend and keep her in my life - and man the sex was spectacular...but keeping her around would have been selfish and unfair to her so I had to be strong, suck it up and go forward.

 

Perhaps he feels the same. Is there hope for the future? I think in the distant future, is probably the only time that a reconciliaton could ever happen because for right now he is dead set on moving on...but people do reconnect later on down the road all the time. For now you should focus on moving on.

 

Plenty of fish out there.

[Hunny1607307342]

thank you for your advice.

i will definitely do that. 100% NC.

i have to say though, i am really scared that he'll fall in love with one of these girls.

i know it sounds selfish but i dont want him to move on from me...i feel quite special knowing he still cares so much after all this time. i dont want that feeling of his to go away, even though he does.

[enchiladaman]

thank you for your advice.

i will definitely do that. 100% NC.

i have to say though, i am really scared that he'll fall in love with one of these girls.

i know it sounds selfish but i dont want him to move on from me...i feel quite special knowing he still cares so much after all this time. i dont want that feeling of his to go away, even though he does.

 

I used to say the same thing when I was freshly broken up with my gf. Once you go true NC and distance yourself from them you will start to be comfortable living your life without them and you'll get yourself back. And with time, the memory of them fades and you just become less emotionally attached until eventually it is just all memories.

 

At this point you are indifferent and you don't care whether or not he falls in love or doesn't.

 

For me, I know my ex is in love and I'm totally cool with that. I wish her the best. I can't believe I'm even typing this but some point in the future you will also be at this stage. You will be rediscovering love with someone new yourself and you won't care about your ex being in love or not either

 

Time and I are big friends these days. He/she has taken good care of me.

[Hunny1607307342]

i know but i want to be with this guy so badly! i cant see myself with anyone else- and yes this sounds cliche. But i just can't, i love him so much and no matter how much NC I go by, im not going to meet someone like him. He's like my soulmate. He's just incredible in every way, and he thought i was incredible too but i seriously let him down. I know i sound narrow minded, but even if i do meet someone else, it wont be for a VERY long time- years probably. And its depressing to think i'll be single for so many years. But thats not exactly a massively unbearable disaster i guess.

[enchiladaman]

Heh. Once again I speak from experience. I said the exact same things you are saying about 6 months ago. Love her, miss her want her. Can't see myself with someone else, will never love again, am going to be single and celibate...

 

Yep I said all those things too. But your mind is too smart. It will eventually help you to let go as time passes. And before you know it that person comes down off of their pedistal that you put them on. And you will still love him, but you wish him well and let go and move on. And eventually you find yourself preoccupied with someone else and looking forward to spending time with them, not your ex.

 

Hang in there and the more strict you are to NC, the faster you can get to being healed. No checking up on them, no calling, and no checking their facebook/myspace either.

 

Good luck

[Hunny1607307342]

I guess what youre describing- i guess he's already at that stage...

its the damn memories that make it so hard.

[CatsMeeoow]

I know and feel your desperation... I do... I've been there...

 

Honestly if I was on this board from the beginning I would have not made MAJOR errors.

 

Leave it be. Walk away. Let him stew and really miss you. Don't be there for him... you have a life to live. Let him sort out his issues... you cannot do for him... you cannot convince him... you can't say here's how I've changed don't you see it??? Live your life without looking back... when he's ready with himself and to see you he will but it's not something that can be convinced or forced - it has to come from within him.

 

I don't know what will happen in your future or mine. But, if he loves you... really loves you he'll find you when he realizes this on his own.

 

take care

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Hunny, this is the part that is really important:

 

'he's scared that i will cause problems for him.' 'i abused his trust so much that he sees me as a toxic person.'

 

When it comes to this, it means he is anxious and afraid of you. that isn't about love. The way he talks about you, it is like he is perceiving you as a bad habit or drug habit he needs to kick. He sounds very firm in that he thinks the relationship is not good for you or him, and he is determined to kick the bad habit. Habits are hard to kick and he knows that, but he is letting you know that he is determined to do so.

 

The pull of a negative relationship can be as strong or stronger than a good relationship, but not healthy. He is telling you this to your face. And it is clear that he is seeing you as someone he really wants and needs to get over and leave behind.

 

You are very obsessed with him and he recognizes this and fears this. But you have to accept his choice that he doesn't want this, and he WANTS to move on. Eventually he will do so, whether you want that or not, and you waiting around won't change his mind. And you chasing him won't change his mind either because it will just remind him that you are a problem for him and obsessed with him.

 

So for your own good please recognize he is not seeing you at all like a potential loving partner, he is seeing you as a bad habit he intends to kick, and he is very aware and is remembering the damage you did him. There are many negative things that should discourage you in everything he has said, but you are taking the one part about him saying it is hard to move on and blowing that up into a 'he loves me and we should be together' scenario. He is taking it as this is really a bad habit and i can and will kick it. He sees it as a negative connection, not a positive one, while you are seeing it as positive.

 

I think you need to move on and leave him alone, and recognize that sometimes connections ARE toxic and not good for the people involved. I strongly suggest you get some counseling to look into why you are trying to drag a man kicking and screaming back into a relationship he doesn't want to be in. That's not about love, it's about obsession.

[Phedre]

I agree and support this 200%. It's probably the most sensible, acurate and sounds advice you'll get. Take it from someone who paid her due in terms of toxic interactions and knows better now.

[lilypadgirl]

Hunny, I've been in the same position you are. I have to agree with this. You might feel the very strong need to prove yourself to him and have convinced yourself that he's absolutely the one for you. If only he can see that...

 

That's obsession. I've been there for the past 8 months and now finally realizing that although he may still have feelings for you, he doesn't want them and is determined to get rid of them. Whether deserved or not, his trust for you is shattered and he's determined not to get pulled back in.

 

If you really love him, let him go. Let yourself go and heal.

[Litgirl01]

Hunny...he is telling you to move on and LET HIM GO! You have to!!!! He desperately wants you to let him go...if you REALLY love him you have to!!! Please get some help for yourself....the sooner you do , the sooner you will be able to find the love you want and deserve! This realtionship is over! It hurts...but you have to accept it!

[EyesOnThePrize]

Hunny,

 

I replied in the other thread before seeing this one. I think that some of the earlier posters could be on to some things, although I see things totally differently. My ex-wife has referred to me as toxic and I believe that some of my past behaviors were toxic to her. I can understand why she might not want to be around that. However, what if I stop doing these toxic behaviors? Would she then have the same fears and issues?

 

I think that you might be able to draw a bit of a parallel here. Yes, he may consider you as toxic and want to not have that in his life because he thinks its too draining/damaging to him, and what if that's not who you are anymore? I think that he has to believe that first before he could test the waters again, and I think that rebuilding his trust could be a long, long process. It may take months, it could take years. You are the only one who can answer whether he is worth the time and patience it would take to rebuild his trust, and I think you can only rebuild his trust if he wants to rebuild trust with you. He may have put a permanent "TOXIC" stamp on your forehead, and you could go and be the next saint and he would not want to come back. That is ultimately his choice. And if you love him, I believe you should honor that choice. I think that if you are meant to be together, you will find your way back to each other in time, whether its in a month or a decade. Until then, I think you have to choose whether you are going to devote all your efforts to a man who may never come back, or whether you want to work on yourself and find someone else (or stay alone, if you are happy alone).

 

In my case, all of my efforts to improve myself are so I can be happy and stronger in my next relationship. If that relationship is with my ex....great! However, I believe that I am transforming myself into someone who be a great catch for many, many women out there, and that I can find love again. I believe that it won't be the same love, it won't be the woman who I believe is the love of my life, and I believe it can still be a strong, wonderful thing. You'll have to decide what's best for you, though.

[lady00]

I don't have any advice to give...I've read what's been posted here and it's great so I'll just say good luck with everything. NC will help but it's not a magic pill that will cure you of the pain and heal you. You could do NC till the cows come home and still not heal. Part of healing is changing your mind set and mentally committing to healing and moving on.

[Batya33]

I think Bestrongbehappy put it best. For your own sake, don't grasp at shreds of straws.

[orchidrose]

I second, third, and fourth what Phaedra said. Hunny, we have ALL been there. We know what how it feels to think that you're going to shrivel up and die without your ex, to think that you were meant to be together and that if you could just figure out what went wrong you could get them back. It's just not the case. You won't shrivel up and die; the sooner you realize that, the sooner you can move on and get yourself back and then maybe find the person that you ARE meant to be with. And maybe eons from now this guy will come running back to you (I hope he doesn't; I agree that he's toxic, confused, has his own issues, and he sounds a lot like my nuisance of an ex who said a lot of these same things to me). But even if he comes back tomorrow, you're in no shape to be even talking to him, let alone be in a relationship with him. Right now, you are beat down, insecure, anxious, and doing things that I don't think you would do in your "right mind."

 

You need distance. You need clarity. You need to stop talking to him, and you need to start right now. Right now you're living in a fantasyland that everything he says to you is positive and somehow points to getting back together. Our job is to tell you that that isn't the case.

[Hunny1607307342]

I have an update for you.

 

Im not the one who is nuts here. This guy, hes gone nuts on me. I dont knwo whats the matters with him but i this hes lost his mind a little.

 

So after that whole incident.

 

He starts texting me more.

Everytime he does this, i reply in order to show we are on good terms and out of politeness, and because well i want to reply i guess. esp when he asks me quite major questions like about how i feel, it feels good to get out my thoughts. BUT HE SAID HE WANTS NO CONTACT so i always try to end the convo quickly.

But he draaags it on,

Again, try to end it,

he DRAGS it on.

This went on over to the next day.

 

I said im going to paris

And he doesn't leave me alone about it, hes like WHY , FOR HOW LONG , and he sounds soooo bitter about it

Then he goes nuts

saying hes mad at me and that he wants to kill me, but this all sounds really jokey. hes still texting me when im on the bloddy eurostar , the whole journey saying things like, i wish you werent going away so i could take revenge on youu i know i sound crazy lol but dont worry. i dont wanna hurt you but i do argh you lucky biitch. hes like ive lost my chance to kill u lol !

So i thought ok maybe hes jealous, because his life is really hectic right now, i even offered him my return ticket as im not using it, but he said he cant leave.

 

And then i said " You should be glad, you wanted me to go away, you prefer me at a distance remember".

 

And in response he said " I either prefer you at an extremely far distance or the opposite... you are clearly oblivious and a pain in the ass! Just go and get lost in france! Bye."

 

 

What to make of this??! I didnt respond to this anymore. But still, what on earth to make of it? Why did he do this? when he says he prefers me at an extremely far distance or the opposite, well surely another country IS an extremely far distance, so why didnt he want me to go away? does this mean he wants the opposite, even though he has given me no indication that he wants me close to him???

 

I am so mad at him for ruining the good/normal terms we were on whilst i am here, im tempted to send him a text and say now i know exactly how he feels because the first thing i want to do when i get back is hit him round the face.

[Phedre]

I never do such things but I am goign to quote what I posted on your previous thread:

 

 

 

Complete NC and right now is my advice. I suspect you won't take it but I guess it's part of the process: you'll suffer until you can't take it anymore and then you'll make the conscious decision that he is a waste of your time and sake.

[LilBear]

Hunny.. if you say he is dragging NC

You should be the one to end this.

 

Because he will continue to hurt you every time he contacts you.

And it really prolongs your healing and moving on.

 

I wish you the best.

[renaissancewoman101]

Hunny, to me it sounds like he selfishly does not want you to let go of him, even though he probably doesn't want to date you again.

[Mavis VDSande]

I think he sounds like someone who's going to be a pain in your ass for a very long time. Personally if you close the door on him now, I think you'll be doing yourself a favour, and you won't regret it.

 

What kind of a person whether joking or not texts that kind of stuff to anyone? He sounds like a nutjob!

[Batya33]

I think pretty often the "ender" does not completely want to let go but the "endee" can avoid enabling that behavior by refusing to stay in touch. It takes two.

[EyesOnThePrize]

Hunny,

 

I still think he is very confused about his feelings for you, and your "polite" responses aren't helping the situation. If it was me, I would let him know "Look, it seems that you don't understand exactly what you feel about me, so I'm going to give you time to find that out, and I won't be responding to anything for 30 days. I'm not doing this because I don't care about you, I'm doing it because I do care about you, and I want you to have this time to clear your head." That's just my opinion, though, and that and $2.50 buys you a Sunday paper.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

EyesOnthePrize said it very well. You need to end this once and for all. He needs to figure out what he wants. It sounds like he is really losing it and he needs to get a grip and sort himself out. Do not respond to him anymore.