My Plan. Opinions?

[Hunny1607307342]

Ok ive already explained my story before but to cut the story short, ex of 2 years have been broken up for 4 months, he broke up with me, reason behind it is that i took him for granted, i was argumentative and spoilt whenever i was stressed and used to stress him out because we'd fight etc. so he thought i just "won't ever change". Nevertheless, we loved each other a lot, the break up was hard for him too.

After 2 months of NC, i went to see him we talked, i sought reconcilation saying ive learnt from my mistakes etc but it was a definite NO, he found my request hard to handle, he reacted quite aggressively about it, and then we had a little argument about it because i felt emotionally hurt and claimed he could never really have loved me anyway then he was like "clearly you have no idea who i am, how could you say i never loved you, how could you question such a thing"... Basically, he told me he was doing fine until i showed up in his life again so i shouldn't be a part of it AT ALL.

 

So then I had to go off again and continue with life, didn't contact him once. About a month later i asked him if he'd like to join me for a walk seeing as the weather was nice (i had no intentions but to chill out with a friend), and he messged me saying: "Sure, whenever your ready i am". - I was literally shocked. So we walked, talked. Although to be frank he was quieter than usual and i talked mostly, about anything and everything. he messaged me later that evening asking me, "Is there something you wanted to tell me?" Again, i was shocked. Because i thought well surely he'd be relieved i didnt mention 'us' for the entire walk, so why is he picking at the bone now?? Anyway, I told him i didnt and that i just wanted to walk.

 

It's now been another month since that day.

i am closer to feeling better about moving on, which is good But I still really love and miss my ex, and i know that he would love me too if he were to open up his heart.

So, I was wondering what you all think of my plan. I was thinking that for the next few months I wont contact him at all (and use all the time alone to heal and grow), EXCEPT for 3 occasions:

 

1) casual invite to my art exhibition in 2 weeks (whislt inviting many other friends)

2) a week later its his birthday so i'll give him his birthday gift (silly me i bought it in advance of our break up assuming we'd still be together) and I'll TELL him that I bought it months ago and that since i have no use for it he should have it anyway, be nice, polite, to the point.

3) And then about 6-7 weeks after that, in April-May, ask him if he'd like to go for a coffee/lunch. Act mature, nice, friendly.

 

 

And then leave it at that.

Because at least when i do these 3 things, despite trying to moving on, i'm still leaving the door open for him in case there is still a chance...

 

What do you think?? xxx

[CatsMeeoow]

Personally - I see no problem with that AT ALL but you must remind yourself that you cannot expect any one particular outcome.

 

It may be that he joins you for all three but in his mind he is only being friendly and not looking to get back together.

 

Would you be okay if he showed up at your exhibit with a date?

 

You have to be certain not to show that it bothers you or don't do the invite.

 

Cats

[Hunny1607307342]

Thanks for the advice! Well basically, and I know this sounds overly confident, but I'm almost sure my ex would not be seeing anyone else for a very very long time, because in december when I was asking for reconcilliation he told be that he couldn't possibly consider getting into a relationship because his life was already too clogged up with other things. And so i assume that means with everyone, not just me. Also, before we broke up, he always used to tell me that he wouldn't be able to date anyone else for a very very long time such as a year or so, if we were to ever break up. That's partly why im so wanting this to work out somewhere down the line and im willing to be extremely patient. If it never happens then i guess it was never meant to be and i know i certainly tried.

But what do you think about the way hes behaved so far since the break up?? Does it sound like there could be potential or more like that he's over me?

xx

[CatsMeeoow]

It's very hard to say - I think at best that you both are just doing some communication.

 

Don't try to read anything more than that.

 

Try to stick with what you've outlined - continue to work on yourself and now that you have a plan try not thinking so much on what he might be thinking. It will be hard I know but will help you the most.

[Hunny1607307342]

You're right, thanks for the advice!

[pryda]

I fear that maybe because you are doing NC with the intention of seeing and talking to him again in the near future, you aren't actually benefitting from the NC in the way you're kinda naively assuming you will be. You talk about "healing and growing" but you aren't actually healing at all during this time because you're still thinking about your ex and formulating plans to get him back. If you're treating the NC as simply a means to an end, sheer time and space, then there's not really any point doing it...you might as well just be in consistent contact.

 

I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do, but would think hard about whether you're really using the best policy at the moment.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

i took him for granted, i was argumentative and spoilt whenever i was stressed and used to stress him out because we'd fight etc

 

All of this means that you were pushy with him and didn't take his needs into consideration....and, you are doing it again...you haven't learned anything. He made is feelings clear and yet you still have long-term plots and schemes to get him back into the fold. Leave him alone and let him come to you if he wants. He will see through each and every one of your tactics and I doubt if that will make him have warm fuzzy feelings for you. Let him miss you for a while. I would let it go and not invite him to your art thing at all...give him breathing space. Forget about the birthday gift and just send him a simple email wishing him a happy birthday. If you two ever get back together you can give him the gift then. You are just being way too aggressive here and you need to back off.

[Hunny1607307342]

Well for the first couple of months I did use NC with the intention of talking to him again and used it more as a tactic, but now that more time has passed i dont really see it that way.

I just know that if I contact him/see him it will just cause drama in my mind and is not healthy, so i prefer avoiding.

But i just want to have those one-off occasions just because im not quite at a place to give up FOREVER.

[Hunny1607307342]

but surely he would be happy to receive a gift. Anyone would be!!

[CatsMeeoow]

Pryda -

 

You are right - there is that risk that she will ignore what she really should be doing in NC.

 

BUT, maybe she's taking this time and doing some self awareness? maybe reading books on relationships and looking to what was working and what wasn't working in her relationship? maybe she's starting to get involved in new things and tries a new hobby?

 

What she does in between with NC between the times of seeing her ex is completely in her hands. She can choose to do some self evaluating or maybe she's just passing time. She has to learn to make her own mistakes and adjust. We all do.

[CatsMeeoow]

but surely he would be happy to receive a gift. Anyone would be!!

 

That is not necessarily true.... it can come accross as pressure.

 

I've had both experiences - I think one gift I got him made him feel very uncomfortable just because of where we were at. However, to my surprise a second just simple care package seemed to rock his world... who would have guessed.

 

The bday is a ways off - let things go for now and see how you feel at the time. Sometimes a simple card says so much more.

[Hunny1607307342]

Hmmm

Well how about it if I put it like this-

" Well I got you this gift for your birthday before we broke up, and well i dont really have any use for myself unfortunately so i'd really like you to have it still, if that's cool with you"

 

Its not even an excuse to meet up, id be quite happy to even drop it at his door step. I just know he'd really like it.

[wayoverit]

Playing "fake NC" is not gonna get the man to change his heart for you. The fundamental change that he expects is still not there. He expects less arguments and less mind games. But at least he's still open to the game, but he just needs you to say it out loud if there's anything you want to tell him? He's ready for another argument. Are you ready to make peace?

[CatsMeeoow]

Hmmm

Well how about it if I put it like this-

" Well I got you this gift for your birthday before we broke up, and well i dont really have any use for myself unfortunately so i'd really like you to have it still, if that's cool with you"

 

Its not even an excuse to meet up, id be quite happy to even drop it at his door step. I just know he'd really like it.

 

It comes accross lame.

 

I know - I got something for my ex and then realized maybe its not the best time to give it to him. So I just sent the card.

 

I didn't hear back but once we starting talking again about a month later I gave the gift then. It was obvious I couldn't return it as it was personalized. He was sweet about it and laughing but he still wasn't ready to get a gift from me. I probably just should have hung on to for another couple of months - then I think he would have enjoyed it more - at the time it just seemed like pressure though it was just simply good intentions on my part.

[Hunny1607307342]

Oh I see, so did he end up taking the gift from you anyway or not?

[CatsMeeoow]

Yes - he took it. But, timing wasn't so great. It was an awkward moment but I'm sure he appreciates it now.

 

Things can change - for good or bad. My ex and I can talk now. We can email. We just can't hang out. But, when I sent some stuff his way that I thought he'd like he was completely receptive and a little excited. (4 months after I gave his belated bday present).

 

So just think about timing.

 

You can send a card if the gift is going to come accross too much. Don't even mention the gift BUT if things change later you can say we'll I got this for you bday but it didn't seem like a good time to give it.

[Hunny1607307342]

thanks that sounds like a good idea

[orchidrose]

Hunny, I agree with all of those who have said that you need to back off and that NC is time for YOU, not for plotting to get your ex back. I went through the exact same thing, and it really is a "false" NC. NC is about getting yourself back, taking care of yourself, and moving on from your relationship. "False" NC is about spending all your time counting down the days until you can talk to your ex again and convince him to take you back.

 

I think that the art invite, as long as it's an e-mail to a bunch of friends that he's included in and not a direct, personal e-mail, is okay. But I would encourage you to go NC after that. The present is not necessary. He's not your boyfriend or even your friend anymore. And most likely, even calling him on his birthday will be seen as pressure. I've found that even if you're just calling for a special event and think you're coming off as calm, cool, and collected, you're not. You will sound (or type, or write) panicked and needy if you're not prepared to talk to the ex - and I don't think you are, at least in the way you should be. I think that doing anything for his birthday would just come off as needy.

 

As I said, NC should be about you and reclaiming yourself. If, a few months down the line, you truly do feel better about yourself and are not in total panic mode in terms of wanting the ex back, it may be okay to contact him to get together. You will know when you are ready. But, please, don't force yourself into being ready. It can only lead to disaster: I contacted my ex after many periods of NC feeling every single time that I could accept whatever he said - even if it was that he didn't want to get back together - and every single time I was crushed when he ignored me or didn't say what I wanted to hear. Be careful!

[Daria_Lane]

well there's a popular article around here that tells dumpees to go NC for about a moth then after amonth to call the ex and see what he's up to, if he sounds happy to hear from you, that you should go LC..if not permenant NC

 

anyway im surprised he agreed to the walk., probably would agree to the exhibit too however mke SURE it's a mass email, dont specify anything.

As for the birthday thing, simple birthday wishes is enough. a gift is a little too much right now..from his behavior towards the birthday wishes is how you'll know whether along the line you should invite him someplace else

[browneyedgirl36]

I agree with the other posters...no gifts. I'm not even sure I'd do a card, but that's just me. I actually STILL have a gift I bought for a guy several years ago for Christmas. I had planned to give it to him, even TOLD him I had it for him, but then I just ended up keeping it, because I found out shortly after I told him about it that he was with someone else, and it seemed very inappropriate to give it to him.

 

I still also have the bottle of wine I bought for my most recent ex for Christmas 2006. I was tempted to give it to him because we were (and are) still speaking, but...nah. Again, too much pressure, probably not appropriate. And, it was a $28 bottle of wine. I'd rather drink it myself OR give it to someone who really wants to be with me!

[Hunny1607307342]

lol ok thanks guys you've given me a little perspective

ive decided to do the art thing as casually as possible

not give him the gift or call on his birthday but just send him a really sweet birthday text.

And then I'll forget about any other sort of plans and just try my best to move on